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Posted

I don't know if anyone will understand what the hell I'm on about. But one of the most difficult things about getting through heartbreak is that the pain and suffering often seem to be relentless, inescapable, and so out of your control. It really is like bobbing around on a stormy ocean trying to "stop" the waves...an impossible task. Like an animal trapped in a cage, desperate to escape.

 

Given the above, I've noticed that getting even a tiny, minuscule moment of respite is hard as hell. For me, it's often the things I "try" to do that actually exacerbate the terror and misery. Forcing myself to go out, hanging with friends, trying to meditate, trying to put down my ex, just "getting on with it"...these sorts of conscious attempts to "move forward" often leave me MORE overwhelmed.

 

Sometimes when I've just "tried" to...maybe...go out with friends say, I'll get a sudden, overwhelmingly powerful spike of pain and terror...as though my brain wants to punish me for trying to distract it from its focus, the pain.

 

The things that HAVE punctuated my suffering with little moments of "OK-ness" are not the sorts of things I'd have predicted...I have gained comfort and relief ONLY from the following:

 

(a) Sometimes simple thoughts make me feel better.

 

Yesterday, I thought about myself ten years ago. I was living in Moscow, having an adventure, and just out of my only LTR (of 8 years). If you'd have told me then that in 10 years time I'd be here, in Bath, UK, with a five year old son, a single parent, having had two more significant LTRs during the decade...I'd have told you where to go...I could NEVER have believed it.

 

And 10 years before that...I'd have scoffed at what you've have told me about the forthcoming decade too.

 

Chances are, the "10 year rule" will apply again...where we'll all be in a decade's time is probably somewhere none of us can even conceive of as we sit here kidding ourselves that we can map it all out. Fact is...we don't have a clue...and right now I find that extremely comforting. It kinda lets me off the hook...means I can just buckle up and enjoy the ride.

 

(b) I am not even a believer. But at my lowest ebb, which sometimes occurs daily, I have been letting myself into an old church near to where my son goes to school. Inside, I've sat alone. There's never a soul around. It's a dusty, old fashioned church. I've sat. I've cried. I've suffered. Heck, I've even prayed.

 

It's been a place for me to "just suffer." And I'm so glad I found it.

 

In no other "space" have I been able to do that. Walking down the street, shopping, with friends, in my car, at work, even at home, I feel that my suffering and pain has been forced to take a back seat. Like I refuse to acknowledge it because I gotta get on with living...try to stuff it back in all the time...trying to act like I'm OK.

 

I remember once reading a quote by Alexander Solzhenytsyn...who was writing about his 8 years living alone in a labour camp. He wrote how his time in abject misery and appalling conditions led him to find solace, hope, and comfort in the strangest of places, thoughts and circumstances.

 

I think I'm with him...I'm learning that solace and comfort aren't always found in the places they are so desperately sought.

  • Like 5
Posted

I find comfort in The Lord. He will never let you down.

Posted

Wow, great post. You are right. Comfort is not always in most obvious places. I find myself finding the most comfort in the Lord. I pray and I try to voluneer and do good deeds. Gives me a different kind of comfort and sense of well being that no man or relationship can give me.

  • Like 1
Posted

I found it in partying, dancing, flirting and being SINGLE.

 

And everything that comes with the word SINGLE

 

 

 

Barky

Posted

Hanging out with friends, getting in the car and going for a drive to clear my head, and enjoying coffee out on the patio of my favorite little cafe.

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Posted

Comfort is such a tricky thing. I guess the most important has been just finding comfort in my own skin. I don't have a faith, I wouldn't know how it feels to rely on hope. I do read lots of philosophy and psychology; I regard Nietzsche and Freud as the head figures in my development. I think if you are able to affirm your life throught its tragedies (even the fear of death) then you have overcomed the barriers that prevent you from being your authentic self. For a while I sort comfort in love but I realized it was detrimental and rather an indicator of codpendency to put so much emphasis in my relationship as the meaning of my life. Now my life mainly consists of just being me, and sometimes it's hard. But when we take things one step at a time, anxiety and despair are less likely to interfere with you being proud of yourself.

  • Like 1
Posted

The times I have felt the most carefree through all this has been playing my guitar. I played professionally 5 years ago, but now it is just a hobby that I have not given enough time for quite awhile. I have really reconnected with my music and it has been a great release.

 

Other de-stressers where she has been in the back of my mind has been listening to upbeat music, playing pinball (I'm a huge pinhead) and hanging with friends and family.

 

It's tough as hell, but I'm trying to warm up to being alone again and thinking of our house as now my house. I've bought a few things for the house that wouldn't have been in here otherwise to change things up and personalize it a bit.

 

Speaking of the Solzhenitsyn quote, I started reading Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning to try to help with finding the meaning in all this misery. Oddly enough, the ex was a huge Frankl proponent (she worked as a counselor), but I am just now reading his seminal work because of what her decision has done to me. Weird how things work out like that sometimes...

Posted

I nested. I have a great comfy couch. I'd build a fire, snuggle under a blanket & read or watch TV. Sometimes I'd find comfort at the bottom of an ice cream bowl; other times in a wine bottle (but less often & I was already home)

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Posted

God will comfort you and give you true peace like nothing else in this world. I hope you'll believe in Him one day. When I get sad or am burdened by my thoughts, I pray and I'm amazed how quickly He gives me peace. It's a daily struggle, but He's healing my heartache. My brother went through a divorce and he was deeply depressed for three years. His faith sustained him and made him a better person, and he eventually met his perfect match.

Posted

Honestly, I found the most comfort through listening to music. I ate some comfort food for a few days, Soul Food (Macaroni, Greens, corn bread). I also went out with my friends a lot..We partied, dressed up, and took lots of pictures. I found a lot of comfort by typing and discussing the situation online!

 

If i would have stayed at home sad....I would not have moved on as quickly.

Posted

I find for me it's a balance. I'm pretty introverted so partying and hanging out in large groups of friends (not that I have a lot of friends anyway :/) would be overwhelming on its own. But feeling the way I do now, it would be downright suffocating.

 

I do seem to find comfort in my day to day routine - - particularly in taking care of my pets. I have a dog and four cats so they certainly keep me busy!

 

I also take group fitness classes at my gym. And even though I've been attending those classes for years, they seem to be a particular source of comfort now.

 

Perhaps because I see enough familiar faces and the instructors are always so motivating that even though I may not tell them what I'm going through, I'm still getting the support I need.

 

Ironically I started taking those classes as a result of my last break up. The good thing about a break up is that it not only causes me to take solace in my daily routines but to also cultivate new ones

Posted

I found comfort in traveling. Seeing something new and know that there's this great big world out there with different people in it.

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