BlessYourCottonSocks Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I'm moving in with my boyfriend of 3 years in December. We practically live together already, but I just signed over my lease at my apartment and officially am moving into his house. I am excited and I'm glad I get to see him everyday. But I'm not quite sure how he really feels about it either. We talked about it lightly, and he always his "issues" with serious relationship banter. As do I, we both kind of just go into our safe shell... We decided to live together, not to take our relationship to the next level, but because I needed a roommate and he wanted to lighten the load on his mortgage. He did pick me over his buddy moving in. It kind of just happened and wasn't something we really planned, it was kind of just perfect timing. The deal was I would pay him $400 a month and it would save me money and I wouldn't have to find a roommate/apartment..I think deep down inside he wants me to move in because he loves me and likes to have me around, but he said "we will see how it goes". Which sort of scares me, because this can either break us or make us. I don't know what to expect...He is a little OCD and likes things a certain way and CLEAN. I'm sorta the opposite. I create piles, will do the dishes the next day and don't find the dire need to mop the floor at 10 at night. So I have a couple of questions, is it a good sign that your boyfriend wants you to move in with him? And what do I expect when I move in with a boyfriend? Especially an OCD boyfriend...
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 You gotta talk about these things. Living with someone is an adjustment & especially if you are moving into HIS house, the reptilian part of his brain (we all have one) may feel like you are invading. Since you are combining households you may end up with two of things. When DH moved in with me we had 2 living rooms, 2 bedrooms, 2 sets of dishes etc. Because he was coming into my house, to help him feel more like it was his space too, his furniture went in the living room & mine went into the family room (which had previously been empty because I never furnished it). We made his dishes the daily dishes & got rid of mine but we kept my silverware (cause it matched -- he was a guy after all) What are your expectations with respect to these seemingly mundane issues? Talk about chores & responsibilities! Will you do each other's laundry? DH Isn't allowed to touch my stuff unless I hand it to him b/c he ruined too many things. I can't get it through his head that you don't mix colors & not everything should be washed in hot water on the stain setting. Shortly before I got married I asked a dear male friend for marital advice; he & I had just reconnected but he'd been married for 20 years. He said, "Try not have money problems & hire a cleaning service." It prevents a lot of fights. 1
Elliotte Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I find it kind of odd you two are moving in "out of convenience" after being in a relationship for 3 years. Have you two talked about where the relationship is going? I would certainly hope he wants his girlfriend to live with him! Not trying to be judgmental, you two have your own pace. There is a big difference between you two "being over" at each other's places all the time versus living together. There's almost always one person who is more OCD about cleanliness than the other, you will go through a tough learning curve with that, but it always comes with living with someone new. There's definitely a delicate balance to be found between being up front and honest when problems arise, and giving each other space to think things through when emotions get overwhelming. Having privacy when you want to relax by yourself is something a lot of people need, so the sooner you can work out some boundaries and compromises for living together, the better. Congrats to you and your bf! Hope all goes smoothly! 2
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Thanks for the reply! Since you are combining households you may end up with two of things. When DH moved in with me we had 2 living rooms, 2 bedrooms, 2 sets of dishes etc. Because he was coming into my house, to help him feel more like it was his space too, his furniture went in the living room & mine went into the family room (which had previously been empty because I never furnished it). We made his dishes the daily dishes & got rid of mine but we kept my silverware (cause it matched -- he was a guy after all) What are your expectations with respect to these seemingly mundane issues? I will have my own bedroom and bathroom so I will have option for "space" if need be. Most likely I will be sleeping with him, but it's nice to have my own private room where I can go and relax. But he has everything else, so I don't have anything else to bring. Talk about chores & responsibilities! Will you do each other's laundry? DH Isn't allowed to touch my stuff unless I hand it to him b/c he ruined too many things. I can't get it through his head that you don't mix colors & not everything should be washed in hot water on the stain setting. Lol, men suck at laundry, but since my BF is OCD he actually does a good job at it. We kind of do things together, I put the dishes away and tidy up for him. But when it comes to cleaning, we just do it together to get it over with. I fold and put his laundry away for him just cause I like to. He already jokes with me and says I'm prepping to be "wifey material". Shortly before I got married I asked a dear male friend for marital advice; he & I had just reconnected but he'd been married for 20 years. He said, "Try not have money problems & hire a cleaning service." It prevents a lot of fights. :-/ haha yea I could see that. A lot of our arguments are stupid things about putting the dishes away or not emptying the trash. BLAH BLAH BLAH
Author BlessYourCottonSocks Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 I find it kind of odd you two are moving in "out of convenience" after being in a relationship for 3 years. Have you two talked about where the relationship is going? I would certainly hope he wants his girlfriend to live with him! Not trying to be judgmental, you two have your own pace. Trust me, I do too. haha We both kinda refrain from talking about where things are going...I get nervous and he gets uncomfortable. We have talked about it more though than in the past...but we just love eachother, enjoy the company and are happy with things for now..I'm in no rush. I do want to marry him one day and I think he sees that bigger picture also. Just the other day he sent me an article: Marriage Isn't for You | Seth Adam Smith so maybe he is opening up more with that idea! There is a big difference between you two "being over" at each other's places all the time versus living together. There's almost always one person who is more OCD about cleanliness than the other, you will go through a tough learning curve with that, but it always comes with living with someone new. There's definitely a delicate balance to be found between being up front and honest when problems arise, and giving each other space to think things through when emotions get overwhelming. Having privacy when you want to relax by yourself is something a lot of people need, so the sooner you can work out some boundaries and compromises for living together, the better. My mom is OCD so I had to deal with that growing up, it was hard, but I somehow managed. If anything my mom learned to adapt to my living ways. I have become a lot better with my bf in regards to adapting to his OCD-ness. but still I have my mess ups. 1
Els Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) So I have a couple of questions, is it a good sign that your boyfriend wants you to move in with him? Uh. I think in your case, it'd be a neutral sign, since it was proposed out of convenience and to lighten the load on his mortgage. Not necessarily bad but doesn't necessarily mean more than convenience, either. Depending on what your expectations for the R in the near future is, this might be fine, or not. And what do I expect when I move in with a boyfriend? Especially an OCD boyfriend... Different people express (and control) their OCD to varying degrees and in varying ways, so none of us can tell you that. It's something you have to find out on your own. Do you have a backup plan (finances, another place to stay) in case this doesn't work out? Edited November 14, 2013 by Elswyth 1
devilish innocent Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 You need to be careful about reading too much into his wanting to live with you. A lot of women move in with a guy assuming it means that in a year or two they'll be engaged while the guy may not be thinking in that direction at all. Then, these women end up disappointed when there's still no ring a number of years later. My husband and I moved in together before we were engaged, but we'd had a lot of serious talks about the issue so we both knew where things stood. If you're okay living together for many years without marriage, then it probably doesn't matter. But if you think you'll be bothered by being a live-in girlfriend indefinitely, then now is the time to start discussing the issue. 1
me85 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) Gosh, no one can tell you or know for sure. I moved in right away which was BAD or maybe it was just BAD because he wasn't the right one for me. lol I think that is what it really boils down to. You two need to sit down & talk about what it would mean for the two of you as a COUPLE though. Don't make it about needing a roommate anyway, or an economic decision. I think that would be a terrible mistake. I moved in with my ex because I was practically living with him already anyway & he really wanted me to move in & so I thought, "Well, he wants me too plus it makes sense finacially, so..." 2 years later...we broke up. Now that does NOT mean it won't work for you guys just because it didn't work for myself or others. I just realize we took that step prematurely & did not sit down like adults first and really talk about it intimately. Which is VITAL. What are your expectations? What are his? Are you ready? Is HE ready?? Edited November 14, 2013 by me85
Eggplant Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 No -- if you want to lighten the mortgage, find a buddy, or live with your family. If you want him to move forward ever in the relationship, you need to move backwards. Unless you don't want to move forwards or get married, in which case, do move in with him.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 This isn't going to go well... It wasn't perfect timing it was bad timing, this sounds like it could easily become a disaster due to the lack of communication, the situation in which you are moving in as well, and the incompatibility in which you both choose to live. Good luck, you're going to need...everything is unfolding in a bad way even though you probably consider this progress. Highly doubt this will work in the end. This situation is so typical. 1
Recommended Posts