Responding Vs Ignoring

[ABrokenNerd]

I think responding vs ignoring just boils down to what your goal is. If your goal is just to move on to a point where you're happy with yourself and you don't really care about what they have to say from a relationship standpoint, then you shouldn't respond at all except when it comes to extenuating circumstances (such as they have your stuff, you have kids and such) until you reach a point where you are fine with just having casual interactions with them. And even then you don't have to talk with them at all. There is no obligation anymore.

 

But if your goals include reconciliation, then you have to leave some sort of door open to contact during the nc or perhaps later on when you've healed. I think no matter the substance in which your ex messages you, its okay to respond once you've examined this one thing. Are you responding in reaction, or are you actually responding with stuff that relates to what they are telling you. In these situations, if your actions are only reactionary, I would hold off on contact as much as you possibly can until your not a puppet on your ex's strings. That's just my 2 cents.

[chris21422]

That's true that's why dumpee's shouldn't respond to all of his/her messages so it doesn't look like you just stringing along.

 

That you have your own life and they are not the priority anymore.

 

Dumpee's should be always reply smart and strong.

 

A reply like "I respond but I don't really care" mentality..

 

I'm not saying you need to respond to every of their messages. You do this when you think it's only right to respond.

 

 

 

But if your goals include reconciliation, then you have to leave some sort of door open to contact during the nc or perhaps later on when you've healed. I think no matter the substance in which your ex messages you, its okay to respond once you've examined this one thing. Are you responding in reaction, or are you actually responding with stuff that relates to what they are telling you. In these situations, if your actions are only reactionary, I would hold off on contact as much as you possibly can until your not a puppet on your ex's strings. That's just my 2 cents.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's true that's why dumpee's shouldn't respond to all of his/her messages so it doesn't look like you just stringing along.

 

That you have your own life and they are not the priority anymore.

 

Dumpee's should be always reply smart and strong.

 

A reply like "I respond but I don't really care" mentality..

 

I'm not saying you need to respond to every of their messages. You do this when you think it's only right to respond.

 

Honestly, there are very few messages worth responding to at your stage of the breakup. And there's really no such thing as "replying strong". The strongest reply right now is no reply.

[xUnknown]

I think responding vs ignoring just boils down to what your goal is. If your goal is just to move on to a point where you're happy with yourself and you don't really care about what they have to say from a relationship standpoint, then you shouldn't respond at all except when it comes to extenuating circumstances (such as they have your stuff, you have kids and such) until you reach a point where you are fine with just having casual interactions with them. And even then you don't have to talk with them at all. There is no obligation anymore.

 

But if your goals include reconciliation, then you have to leave some sort of door open to contact during the nc or perhaps later on when you've healed. I think no matter the substance in which your ex messages you, its okay to respond once you've examined this one thing. Are you responding in reaction, or are you actually responding with stuff that relates to what they are telling you. In these situations, if your actions are only reactionary, I would hold off on contact as much as you possibly can until your not a puppet on your ex's strings. That's just my 2 cents.

 

I feel like perhaps I closed the door. My ex mentioned, "I still want to be there for you and still be your friend. We have our own stuff to work on and I think we should focus on ourselves and see where we're at in 6 months". I told her I can't be her friend and that it wouldn't be smart for either of us going through the grieving process. I feel like that was the right call, but I pretty much closed the door if there was any chance to reconcile.

[Simon Phoenix]

I feel like perhaps I closed the door. My ex mentioned, "I still want to be there for you and still be your friend. We have our own stuff to work on and I think we should focus on ourselves and see where we're at in 6 months". I told her I can't be her friend and that it wouldn't be smart for either of us going through the grieving process. I feel like that was the right call, but I pretty much closed the door if there was any chance to reconcile.

 

If she wants to reconcile, she's more than capable of knocking on the door and seeing if anyone's home. She had no problem ending things -- if she was so inclined she should have no problem restarting things. If she does, then she isn't serious about it in the first place.

[xUnknown]

If she wants to reconcile, she's more than capable of knocking on the door and seeing if anyone's home. She had no problem ending things -- if she was so inclined she should have no problem restarting things. If she does, then she isn't serious about it in the first place.

 

How would you take this text, on the day of our would be 2 year anniv (17 days of NC after we broke up)...

 

"I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today. You're never far from my thoughts. Hope you're doing okay and your project is going well" --big project I'm working on for work.

 

 

It happened 16 days ago, but my cousin thinks I closed that door. I don't know if it was a breadcrumb, or she was knocking. I never responded, however, the following day she calls me for a problem with her car. I broke the 17 days of NC and responded and tied up a loose end.

 

-Thanks.

[Ftheeastcoast]

That's not the correct way for the dumper to play it. I don't care how many dumpers you know do it that way (even though I think you are making that up, every dumper I know who wanted to get back with the person they dumped didn't just give up had their dumpee not responded to "hey"). If a dumper is serious about getting back with the dumpee, they are going to be aggressive, or at the very least sporadically continue to try to make contact, upping the ante from the attempt before. If not, they are wishy-washy and fickle. If you really would have given up that easily, then you aren't serious about getting them back.

 

It's not up to him to take the risk to reply to you -- it's up to you to take the risk to keep trying until he makes it abundantly clear that he has no interest -- i.e. telling you no, continuing to refuse more meaningful contact, blocking you.

 

Exactly.

 

It's absolute crap to insinuate that, because the dumpee didn't respond to a breadcrumb, the dumper should give up reconciling. It's your job to get through the walls you created.

 

She keeps talking about how him not taking a breadcrumb is a signal he doesn't want to get back together.

 

Which is the stronger signal, breaking up with him, or asking what's up?

 

I understand the dumper has to start somewhere, but starting is going to be the hardest part and giving up because he might not reply to a meaningless question just proves she doesn't really want him back.

[Simon Phoenix]

How would you take this text, on the day of our would be 2 year anniv (17 days of NC after we broke up)...

 

"I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today. You're never far from my thoughts. Hope you're doing okay and your project is going well" --big project I'm working on for work.

 

 

It happened 16 days ago, but my cousin thinks I closed that door. I don't know if it was a breadcrumb, or she was knocking. I never responded, however, the following day she calls me for a problem with her car. I broke the 17 days of NC and responded and tied up a loose end.

 

-Thanks.

 

I'd take it as a useless breadcrumb.

[sun1972]

If she reaches out, then respond if you want, but I would suggest you suggest that we take a little time to think about it. I mean, weeks sounds silly to you, but breaking up and making up and breaking up sounds a lot more silly to me. I mean, if you have really talked every day for five years, you might need a bit of a break from each other to clear your heads.

 

well for once i kept quiet and...she mailed me, seems like we both have the same problem leaving each other alone for a full day

[Simon Phoenix]

well for once i kept quiet and...she mailed me, seems like we both have the same problem leaving each other alone for a full day

 

Sounds a bit co-dependent.

[chris21422]

I think the more you show that you are emotional with them the more they don't want to get back with you.

 

I think they see Ignoring as 2 things..

 

- Still hurt and angry that's why he/she doesn't wanna talk to me

- He/She moved on and doesn't care about me anymore.

 

I think it would just be really depends on the dumpers personality of how they would approach reconciliation

 

- If the dumper have strong personality I don't think they will have a problem coming out there and saying "I want you back I made a mistake" even though dumpee is ignoring them (mostly men do this)

 

- If the dumper have a weak personality I think they will be embarrassed and just approach you slowly if they want to get back as they fear rejection too. (mostly women do this)

 

 

That's why I see Ignoring a female dumper is like closing doors for everything.

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, there are very few messages worth responding to at your stage of the breakup. And there's really no such thing as "replying strong". The strongest reply right now is no reply.

Edited November 15, 2013 by chris21422

[Simon Phoenix]

I think the more you show that you are emotional with them the more they don't want to get back with you.

 

I think they see Ignoring as 2 things..

 

- Still hurt and angry that's why he/she doesn't wanna talk to me

- He/She moved on and doesn't care about me anymore.

 

I think it would just be really depends on the dumpers personality of how they would approach reconciliation

 

- If the dumper have strong personality I don't think they will have a problem coming out there and saying "I want you back I made a mistake" even though dumpee is ignoring them (mostly men do this)

 

- If the dumper have a weak personality I think they will be embarrassed and will never admit that they made a mistake . and just approach you slowly if they want to get back as they fear rejection too. (mostly women do this)

 

 

That's why I see Ignoring a female dumper is like closing doors for everything.

 

And you are absolutely, unequivocally wrong. First of all, I don't care if a dumper fears rejection and neither should you. They had no problem rejecting you, so it's up to them to be an adult and go out on a limb if they really want to make it work. If they aren't willing to do it, then they don't really want you back. And do you really want someone who isn't willing to take a stand for you? You should have more self-value than that.

 

Second of all, it's absolutely showing weakness as a dumpee to be trying to frame your response to what you think the dumper's mindset is. You are putting the dumper on the pedestal. If anything, a dumper will respect you more for going off by yourself and denying contact. Yes, they might be upset first, but a mature dumper will realize that that's what they signed up for when they let you loose. And eventually, they'll understand why you ignored and they will respect you for having the strength to take a step back instead of being at their beck and call.

 

I'm sorry dude, I don't agree with anything you just posted and it runs counter-intuitive to absolutely all of my real-life experiences. Every girl except one that's ever dumped me has come back after I had completely moved on from contact with them. You ignoring them does not affect them. If they want you back in their life, they don't care. At all.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[xUnknown]

And you are absolutely, unequivocally wrong. First of all, I don't care if a dumper fears rejection and neither should you. They had no problem rejecting you, so it's up to them to be an adult and go out on a limb if they really want to make it work. If they aren't willing to do it, then they don't really want you back. And do you really want someone who isn't willing to take a stand for you? You should have more self-value than that.

 

Second of all, it's absolutely showing weakness as a dumpee to be trying to frame your response to what you think the dumper's mindset is. You are putting the dumper on the pedestal. If anything, a dumper will respect you more for going off by yourself and denying contact. Yes, they might be upset first, but a mature dumper will realize that that's what they signed up for when they let you loose. And eventually, they'll understand why you ignored and they will respect you for having the strength to take a step back instead of being at their beck and call.

 

I'm sorry dude, I don't agree with anything you just posted and it runs counter-intuitive to absolutely all of my real-life experiences. Every girl except one that's ever dumped me has come back after I had completely moved on from contact with them. You ignoring them does not affect them. If they want you back in their life, they don't care. At all.

 

I love this debate... I honestly see both sides of the story. I think a girl with self esteem issues and is stubborn (such as my ex), won't make the move back unless she 100% knows for sure i'd take her back. Its too much of a risk to her ego. She is the type that would feel out the situation first. But, if she cares more about her ego then winning me back, then screw her.

[Simon Phoenix]

I love this debate... I honestly see both sides of the story. I think a girl with self esteem issues and is stubborn (such as my ex), won't make the move back unless she 100% knows for sure i'd take her back. Its too much of a risk to her ego. She is the type that would feel out the situation first. But, if she cares more about her ego then winning me back, then screw her.

 

Which is pretty much my point.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

If someone wants you back they have a lot of work to do.

 

Sending one "feeler" message is not at all doing a lot of work.

 

You responding just makes sure they DON'T have to do much work at all.

[heartshaped]

I tried to contact my ex (now boyfriend, again) around four to five times before he really responded and we had any type of substantial conversation. The first time I contacted him he did respond, but I was in a relationship and dropping breadcrumbs and he cut contact. He did not acknowledge me into I chose to put all of my cards on the table. I cannot say that before that I was too serious about my intentions.

[Never Again]

If someone wants you back they have a lot of work to do.

 

Sending one "feeler" message is not at all doing a lot of work.

 

You responding just makes sure they DON'T have to do much work at all.

 

Odd thing; when they don't have to put in much work...they often lose interest anyway.

 

If you open the door too quickly, if you're just sitting waiting to open it...well, it tends to have them rethink walking through.

[xUnknown]

Odd thing; when they don't have to put in much work...they often lose interest anyway.

 

If you open the door too quickly, if you're just sitting waiting to open it...well, it tends to have them rethink walking through.

 

Bot men and women like to be left kept guessing...that's how it is in the initial attraction stage. Why let them back in all the way in the beginning. They'll just lose interest.

[chris21422]

Saw this on a different site.. thought I would share it..

 

 

"Ignoring someone is a powerful move because it taps directly into the other person's ego. Most people live by their egos - the ego affects how someone perceives themself in relation to others, in relation to the world. Someone with a strong ego, is usually more assured and more confident.

 

Ignoring an ex is a powerful at 'winning' them back because even though the relationship is over, the ex still wants to feel that you miss them (even if just a little bit). By ignoring them, you are showing them that you have moved on, that you are possibly spending time with other people, and that your priorities have changed (and they are no longer one of your priorities), plus it strikes their ego really hard. They thought they had 'power' over you, but now they realize that they do not any longer.

 

Thus, in order to reassure themselves that they are still on your mind, the ex will attempt to re-establish contact with you so they can stroke their own ego and assuage their feelings of insignificance."

[Simon Phoenix]

Saw this on a different site.. thought I would share it..

 

 

"Ignoring someone is a powerful move because it taps directly into the other person's ego. Most people live by their egos - the ego affects how someone perceives themself in relation to others, in relation to the world. Someone with a strong ego, is usually more assured and more confident.

 

Ignoring an ex is a powerful at 'winning' them back because even though the relationship is over, the ex still wants to feel that you miss them (even if just a little bit). By ignoring them, you are showing them that you have moved on, that you are possibly spending time with other people, and that your priorities have changed (and they are no longer one of your priorities), plus it strikes their ego really hard. They thought they had 'power' over you, but now they realize that they do not any longer.

 

Thus, in order to reassure themselves that they are still on your mind, the ex will attempt to re-establish contact with you so they can stroke their own ego and assuage their feelings of insignificance."

 

Yep, and when you answer they get their ego boost and proceed not to care anymore.

[emz23]

I'm pretty sure my ex is glad he responded to my "breadcrumb message". I fully appreciate that it wasn't his responsibility to take the risk but he chose to do that.

Now he knows I want to try again and can decide how he wants to play things from here. I know I've still got a long way to go to prove to him I'm serious but at least now he knows the option is there which he wouldn't know now if he hadn't responded.

I appreciate the risk was there for him as he didn't know what I was going to say and I could have just rejected him again when he contacted me. I guess he just knows what I'm like and knows I wouldn't contact him out of the blue after 2 months for no reason.

A breadcrumb is not always a breadcrumb and people have different ways of expressing themselves. Some are good at it and some (like me) are really bad at it.

[2fargone]

I love this debate... I honestly see both sides of the story. I think a girl with self esteem issues and is stubborn (such as my ex), won't make the move back unless she 100% knows for sure i'd take her back. Its too much of a risk to her ego. She is the type that would feel out the situation first. But, if she cares more about her ego then winning me back, then screw her.

 

 

 

Not always true. I know for a fact that my ex, months before we met, tried to contact her ex for 3 months, just sending messages over MSN without knowing he would read or not and calling once a week without him answerring. She fully owned up to the fact that she screwed up and said she would do anything to make it right.

 

 

And yes my ex is one of low self-esteem and pulling herself up to her surroundings, wether it's job performance or a new bf....

[r321148]

This is a good debate.

 

I think it's situation dependent. You know your ex best and what they're like so you are in the best position to make judgement on what to do. You also know yourself best and what is the right thing for you to do. (notice that you are the most important thing in all of this).

 

If my ex contacted me (it's been about 3 months now and not a peep so I doubt she will). I would probably respond even if she did just say "hey how's it going?". But then I am at a stage now where I don't really care if she comes back or not. I'd be open to what she had to say though. If she contacted me I'd be able to tell within a few messages what her intentions were and then if I felt she was just ego stroking etc I could choose to cut contact again if I so wish. I know she can't hurt me again now because I honestly don't care. i have seen what my life is like without her and it's pretty good.

 

It's a bit like the poem from "Narnia land":

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger,

Strike the bell and bide the danger,

Or wonder, till it drives you mad,

What would have followed if you had"

 

Some people are on the side of "no danger today, thanks" whereas others will be more "hey what the hell". I guess that depends on what stage of recovery you're at and what your nature is.

 

My two penneth worth

Edited November 16, 2013 by r321148
grammar

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm pretty sure my ex is glad he responded to my "breadcrumb message". I fully appreciate that it wasn't his responsibility to take the risk but he chose to do that.

Now he knows I want to try again and can decide how he wants to play things from here. I know I've still got a long way to go to prove to him I'm serious but at least now he knows the option is there which he wouldn't know now if he hadn't responded.

I appreciate the risk was there for him as he didn't know what I was going to say and I could have just rejected him again when he contacted me. I guess he just knows what I'm like and knows I wouldn't contact him out of the blue after 2 months for no reason.

A breadcrumb is not always a breadcrumb and people have different ways of expressing themselves. Some are good at it and some (like me) are really bad at it.

 

If he hadn't responded, would you have really given up? If so, that's still weak as f*ck.

[Ftheeastcoast]

I'm pretty sure my ex is glad he responded to my "breadcrumb message". I fully appreciate that it wasn't his responsibility to take the risk but he chose to do that.

Now he knows I want to try again and can decide how he wants to play things from here. I know I've still got a long way to go to prove to him I'm serious but at least now he knows the option is there which he wouldn't know now if he hadn't responded.

I appreciate the risk was there for him as he didn't know what I was going to say and I could have just rejected him again when he contacted me. I guess he just knows what I'm like and knows I wouldn't contact him out of the blue after 2 months for no reason.

A breadcrumb is not always a breadcrumb and people have different ways of expressing themselves. Some are good at it and some (like me) are really bad at it.

 

If you can't get over being cut off after dumping him you don't deserve to be with him. Pretty simple.

 

I get that you're saying "take a chance" but the odds are terrible. For the dumpee, showing some resolve and strength is more important.

 

 

This is what every dumpee hopes for and very few get. Which is exactly why they shouldn't respond. If it's only been a few days, or weeks, I say don't respond at all. It's pointless and people need to be slapped for thinking things can heal that fast.

 

 

 

If it's been a few months, I think it's different. I'd never initiate, but I think you can respond if you think you've regained your mental stability and strength in yourself. Let's say you exchange some texts and things are going well, here is my main stipulation: I would be assertive and propose getting coffee/drinks and catching up in person and name a date.

 

If they refuse, you know without a doubt it was a breadcrumb and you're only choice is to tell them "look, I'm progressing pretty well and I don't appreciate you contacting me for no reason. You know how I feel about things but I have to move on, my offer is on the table but until then please give me space."

 

 

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND DONT LET SOMEONE OWN YOUR EMOTIONS.