Phoe Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Ha, this thread reminds me of a guy I dated for 3 years in college who forgot my birthday EVERY SINGLE TIME. Come on. My birthday was 4 days after his. Remembering to TEXT the girl you've been seeing 2-3 times a week since 2008 is not that hard... On my last birthday, after not seeing him for 2 years, I actually got a text. I got a text from an unknown number "Hey, when are you getting into town?" (I'd deleted his number long ago. "Sorry, who's this?" I text back. "Oh wow, hey, wrong number, meant to text someone else. This is B. How've you been? Oh wow, hey today is your birthday isn't it? What a funny coincidence." -__________- pathetic.
bulls42 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 i ignored ex from april to late june...then she contacted me and i got so enthralled that i broke up with current gf at time to start talking to ex...didnt go anywhere and i regret decision...so now i know from trusted experience if you break up def for good then there should be no contact at all! 6 years i was with this girl yikes
emz23 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Well, you aren't being honest with that approach and it's a bit selfish considering that you were the one who caused the situation. How is the dumpee supposed to read your mind? A "hey, how's it going?" or a message to that effect does not indicate at all that you want to reconcile. You are determining whether or not a person wants to get together by whether or not they respond to a message that has absolutely no hint of you wanting to get back with them. People can't read minds. If you want to fix something that you broke, you have to be direct. Your approach is flawed in this situation. You are respecting a decision that they didn't even make because you didn't give them the proper information to make that decision. Don't assume that a dumpee knows what your intentions are. No a hey how's it going message doesn't sound like reconciliation but then after months of not contacting; how do you start a conversation? Like I said before this isn't really about how selfish etc you think I am. The truth is that contacting him out of the blue a "hey, how's it going message" type message seemed like the right thing to do. Just to see if he was open to even talking to me. Whether you like it or not this is true of me and I'd imagine a lot of other dumpers. It's obviously a minefield as you have to work out which are genuine and which aren't. So regarding the reply vs ignore debate. The answer is it depends. A dumpee rides a horrible emotional roller coaster after a breakup, and you have to realize that those who've been rejected may want to talk to you, but feel they can't. I agree with this and as I said further up you do have to think of yourself. If you can't handle replying and getting into conversation then don't do it. But again if this is the case and I message and get no reply. Then keep texting like a crazy stalker I'm not respecting his wishes am I.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 No a hey how's it going message doesn't sound like reconciliation but then after months of not contacting; how do you start a conversation? Like I said before this isn't really about how selfish etc you think I am. The truth is that contacting him out of the blue a "hey, how's it going message" type message seemed like the right thing to do. Just to see if he was open to even talking to me. Whether you like it or not this is true of me and I'd imagine a lot of other dumpers. It's obviously a minefield as you have to work out which are genuine and which aren't. So regarding the reply vs ignore debate. The answer is it depends. I agree with this and as I said further up you do have to think of yourself. If you can't handle replying and getting into conversation then don't do it. But again if this is the case and I message and get no reply. Then keep texting like a crazy stalker I'm not respecting his wishes am I. If you are going to give up because he doesn't respond to a "hey, how's it going?" message, then you aren't serious about getting back with him in the first place. I'm sorry, but the onus is on you to put yourself out there a bit in this situation. If they don't reply, then try again after some time if you are really serious, and bump up your efforts. If they don't want you they don't want you, but if you are going to give up that easily, then you aren't very serious about reconciliation IMO. You can argue until you are blue in the face, but most dumpees would agree that your approach is kind of a crappy one that puts more onus on them coming to where you are instead of you going to where they are. Since you are the one who caused the situation by dumping, it's up to you to do most of the legwork to get the person back if that's what you want. You don't seem to grasp this concept.
emz23 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Again missing the point.Your thoughts on my approach are a little irrelevant here. Put that in my thread if you want to. Question: ignore or reply Answer: it depends Whether you agree with the approach or not it is how a lot of people would approach the situation. Myself included. If you want to reconcile then I think ignoring messages is a bad idea. My opinion. Obviously I add the fact that if you're not ready/it's too painful/don't want to reconcile then ignore away!
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) Again missing the point.Your thoughts on my approach are a little irrelevant here. Put that in my thread if you want to. Question: ignore or reply Answer: it depends Whether you agree with the approach or not it is how a lot of people would approach the situation. Myself included. If you want to reconcile then I think ignoring messages is a bad idea. My opinion. Obviously I add the fact that if you're not ready/it's too painful/don't want to reconcile then ignore away! I feel like I'm typing to a wall. But I'll try this again. The bolded is why I keep harping on you, because that's just weak sauce. When you say crap like that, you make it seem like you feel it's up to the dumpee to do the work in reconciliation, that your "hey, how's it going?" message should be something they cherish and if not, screw them. So you broke it, and you want it fixed, but it's up to them to fix it. That's how you come off and I disagree with it. You can argue about it until you are blue in the face, but I think the bolded is absolutely wrong. It's not up to the dumpee to do most of the work reconciliation, it's up to the dumper to do 90-plus percent of it. If the dumper wants the dumpee back, it's up to them to aggressively do it. If you as a dumper refuse to do it, then you don't want or deserve to have the dumpee back. It absolutely applies to this thread, because the OP was talking about which messages to respond to and which to ignore. Unless a dumper brings something of substance, then you should ignore all of it, especially if you are a) interested in reconciliation or b) still emotionally reeling from the breakup. Most dumpers that are serious about getting back with their dumpees will up the ante on their own until a) the dumpee takes them back or b) the dumpee makes it clear there will be no second chance. Every successful reconciliation that I've dealt with has had this dynamic. The dumper is the one that created the situation. So if its up to the dumper to do the massive majority of the work to fix it if they are so inclined. The only situation where a dumper doesn't have to be the one to do most of the reconciliation work is if they were a forced dumper (dumpee cheated on them, insulted them, offended them, did something specific to cause a dumping). Otherwise, it's up to the dumper. And the dumpee shouldn't feel compelled respond to messages such as "hey" "how's it going" "Happy Thanksgiving" because the dumper is being very lazy in sending such messages. I agree that those type of messages are typical at the beginning after a time of NC. But they bring nothing to the table. I would advise sending something with a bit more flavor. While I was a dumpee, I broke NC with my ex (who was somewhat of a forced dumper) by referencing an inside joke between the two of us. I got a response on that because I showed more thought than just a generic "hey". I'd be more willing to tell a dumpee to respond to a message that showed thought than a generic breadcrumb if they were emotionally ready to go down that road. Edited November 15, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 1
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 What happens when you respond and the ex tells you wonderful things about the time you spent together. You start to build hope of rekindling with kind messages. Then when you're all high, they pull away again, because they see it's a bad idea after all. They leave feeling good because they made sure you were ok while doing the right thing for them. I think that would be heartbreaking. After that, any amount of time you spent doing NC will be wiped out and you are now starting over with a freshly broken heart. I think what Simon is saying is: If you ignored a "hey how's it going" message, you might always wonder what their intentions are, but you have absolutely protected your heart from being re-broken. Furthermore, if their intention is truly to get back together, it has to be a strong intent. A strong enough intent that they are willing to message you more than one time with only a water-testing message. Otherwise, can their intent really be all that strong? Strong enough for you to trust they aren't just being wishy-washy? 1
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 What happens when you respond and the ex tells you wonderful things about the time you spent together. You start to build hope of rekindling with kind messages. Then when you're all high, they pull away again, because they see it's a bad idea after all. They leave feeling good because they made sure you were ok while doing the right thing for them. I think that would be heartbreaking. After that, any amount of time you spent doing NC will be wiped out and you are now starting over with a freshly broken heart. I think what Simon is saying is: If you ignored a "hey how's it going" message, you might always wonder what their intentions are, but you have absolutely protected your heart from being re-broken. Furthermore, if their intention is truly to get back together, it has to be a strong intent. A strong enough intent that they are willing to message you more than one time with only a water-testing message. Otherwise, can their intent really be all that strong? Strong enough for you to trust they aren't just being wishy-washy? You said what I've been trying to say in a lot more efficient matter. 1
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Have you really given consideration to their feelings? You should know they would be guarded and hesitant to let you back in. You are the one that hurt them. If you don't make it clear that you aren't going to hurt them again, why should they let you in for a "how's it going"? 2
sun1972 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I feel like I'm typing to a wall. But I'll try this again. The bolded is why I keep harping on you, because that's just weak sauce. When you say crap like that, you make it seem like you feel it's up to the dumpee to do the work in reconciliation, that your "hey, how's it going?" message should be something they cherish and if not, screw them. So you broke it, and you want it fixed, but it's up to them to fix it. That's how you come off and I disagree with it. You can argue about it until you are blue in the face, but I think the bolded is absolutely wrong. It's not up to the dumpee to do most of the work reconciliation, it's up to the dumper to do 90-plus percent of it. If the dumper wants the dumpee back, it's up to them to aggressively do it. If you as a dumper refuse to do it, then you don't want or deserve to have the dumpee back. It absolutely applies to this thread, because the OP was talking about which messages to respond to and which to ignore. Unless a dumper brings something of substance, then you should ignore all of it, especially if you are a) interested in reconciliation or b) still emotionally reeling from the breakup. Most dumpers that are serious about getting back with their dumpees will up the ante on their own until a) the dumpee takes them back or b) the dumpee makes it clear there will be no second chance. Every successful reconciliation that I've dealt with has had this dynamic. The dumper is the one that created the situation. So if its up to the dumper to do the massive majority of the work to fix it if they are so inclined. The only situation where a dumper doesn't have to be the one to do most of the reconciliation work is if they were a forced dumper (dumpee cheated on them, insulted them, offended them, did something specific to cause a dumping). Otherwise, it's up to the dumper. And the dumpee shouldn't feel compelled respond to messages such as "hey" "how's it going" "Happy Thanksgiving" because the dumper is being very lazy in sending such messages. I agree that those type of messages are typical at the beginning after a time of NC. But they bring nothing to the table. I would advise sending something with a bit more flavor. While I was a dumpee, I broke NC with my ex (who was somewhat of a forced dumper) by referencing an inside joke between the two of us. I got a response on that because I showed more thought than just a generic "hey". I'd be more willing to tell a dumpee to respond to a message that showed thought than a generic breadcrumb if they were emotionally ready to go down that road. Interesting post, and yes the dumper has to do the running I am curious though, do you not think that when the dumper wants that person back, and the dumpee isnt sure.. That the dumper can do more harm than good by pushing too hard and appearing needy?
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Have you really given consideration to their feelings? You should know they would be guarded and hesitant to let you back in. You are the one that hurt them. If you don't make it clear that you aren't going to hurt them again, why should they let you in for a "how's it going"? Yeah, when I was raw and recovering I would have never responded to such a message from my dumper. Now I might if I felt like it because I'm recovered and couldn't care less at this point, but yeah, my dumper would have had to come a lot more correct than that.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Yeah, when I was raw and recovering I would have never responded to such a message from my dumper. Now I might if I felt like it because I'm recovered and couldn't care less at this point, but yeah, my dumper would have had to come a lot more correct than that. I get what you're saying. So if you are at a point down the road where you've moved on, contact with the dumper wouldn't be a problem, depending on whether you were in the mood to talk to said dumper. And if you guys did hit it off again, it would be because of a new romance that bloomed, not the old one being resurrected. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Interesting post, and yes the dumper has to do the running I am curious though, do you not think that when the dumper wants that person back, and the dumpee isnt sure.. That the dumper can do more harm than good by pushing too hard and appearing needy? Maybe, but that's the risk the dumper needs to take if they are serious IMO. It's definitely less harmful than if the dumpee took that tactic. The dumper has to be willing to get a bit weak and needy. Now it might not work, but it definitely wouldn't be received nearly as negatively than if the situations were reversed. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I get what you're saying. So if you are at a point down the road where you've moved on, contact with the dumper wouldn't be a problem, depending on whether you were in the mood to talk to said dumper. And if you guys did hit it off again, it would be because of a new romance that bloomed, not the old one being resurrected. Exactly. The way I see it, the first relationship was flawed and broke. No way I'd want to go back to that. 1
sun1972 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Maybe, but that's the risk the dumper needs to take if they are serious IMO. It's definitely less harmful than if the dumpee took that tactic. The dumper has to be willing to get a bit weak and needy. Now it might not work, but it definitely wouldn't be received nearly as negatively than if the situations were reversed. This is the thing that worries me right now..the needy thing We split 4 days ago because i wouldnt do the commute (6 hours) and because i couldnt see a future and yes i was the one to end it. Since then ive made it clear i will do the commute and that im sure ive made a mistake....but we have literally spent 2 hours a night mailing back and forth talking...always ME that mails first...although she always responds. As a result i kind of wonder if she has actually had the chance to miss me as we are talking more right now than we would have when together As the dumpee, unsure wether you want to reconcile, would you appreciate a few days of NC to let you think?
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 This is the thing that worries me right now..the needy thing We split 4 days ago because i wouldnt do the commute (6 hours) and because i couldnt see a future and yes i was the one to end it. Since then ive made it clear i will do the commute and that im sure ive made a mistake....but we have literally spent 2 hours a night mailing back and forth talking...always ME that mails first...although she always responds. As a result i kind of wonder if she has actually had the chance to miss me as we are talking more right now than we would have when together As the dumpee, unsure wether you want to reconcile, would you appreciate a few days of NC to let you think? Days? More like weeks. You've stated that you've made a mistake, now it's time to let her think about it. You can't blame her for not trusting your motives. And personally, you need probably need to stay away a bit to really figure out what you want. You need to figure out if you are making an "oh crap!" knee-jerk reaction or if you really want her back.
sun1972 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Days? More like weeks. You've stated that you've made a mistake, now it's time to let her think about it. You can't blame her for not trusting your motives. And personally, you need probably need to stay away a bit to really figure out what you want. You need to figure out if you are making an "oh crap!" knee-jerk reaction or if you really want her back. Your right, i guess im having the normal worry that she will move on/meet someone else if i leave it too long And no i cant blame her at all for questioning motives Your right as well that i need to be sure i REALLY want to travel 6 hours a day and that im not just kneejerking Thanks simon.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Your right, i guess im having the normal worry that she will move on/meet someone else if i leave it too long And no i cant blame her at all for questioning motives Your right as well that i need to be sure i REALLY want to travel 6 hours a day and that im not just kneejerking Thanks simon. No problem. Best of luck. I mean, you decided on the break for a reason. I doubt it's something you did on impulse. And honestly, you can't worry about them meeting someone else. If you really love them you'll allow them some freedom. You first have to realize if you want her back. If you do, the goal should be to get her back and keep her back, not to get her back and fall right back into the same thing which caused everything to go south in the first place. I say make sure you know what you want over the next few weeks. Once you do, then start kicking at the tires if you decide that it's worth going back. 1
sun1972 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 No problem. Best of luck. I mean, you decided on the break for a reason. I doubt it's something you did on impulse. And honestly, you can't worry about them meeting someone else. If you really love them you'll allow them some freedom. You first have to realize if you want her back. If you do, the goal should be to get her back and keep her back, not to get her back and fall right back into the same thing which caused everything to go south in the first place. I say make sure you know what you want over the next few weeks. Once you do, then start kicking at the tires if you decide that it's worth going back. I know i want her back.. the commute has always intimidated me though Plus she ended it 1 year ago... said some stuff about 'not being sure she is in love with me etc' I did the usual beg/plead crap..and we got back within a few days, wedidnt even miss a weekend..and when we met.. she was all apologies and saying she has made a mistake and realised the second she saw me that she had been talking rubbish etc But ive struggled to put it past me.. I think the reason im trying to rush is xmas... she said last night that if i HAVE moved to near her it would be nice to spend xmas time together but..basically if i havent shown commitment by moving near to her by xmas, we wont be spending it together. Anyway im waffling, thanks again.. ill stop mailing and give her a week or two.. and if she finds someone within a month or two..well i guess it wasnt to be.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I don't trust relationships that break up and reconcile that quickly. That's not really solving the problem -- that's putting a piece of chewed bubble gum into a leak. Eventually, it's going to spring a bigger leak. Like you said, you had a hard time putting the first break behind you -- probably because you got back together too soon and didn't really learn anything. But anyway, I would pretty much have no dealings with her until Christmas at least -- don't email, don't call, don't check up on her on social media, take a break and work on you.
emz23 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I think we agree on some points. i.e. if you aren't ready then don't contact etc. I also agree that the dumper should do most of the work. If you ignored a "hey how's it going" message, you might always wonder what their intentions are, but you have absolutely protected your heart from being re-broken. I absolutely agree with this and that's why I said if you're not ready then you should ignore it. But it is a fact that a lot of dumpers will just use a testing the water message (especially ones who don't read forums such as this). It doesn't matter whether you like/agree with that or not it is true. Therefore a blanket: "if someone sends you a "hey how's it going" type message it is definitely breadcrumbs and they don't really want you back" isn't true. My ex responded to my text (if he had asked on here what to do, he would have been advised by you to ignore it). Now we are talking and he knows I regret the break up and that I want him back. If he hadn't taken the risk and replied he wouldn't know that. He can now decide how to play it and I'll respect whatever he wants. In some cases it is just breadcrumbs and it's just guilt etc. In other cases (such as mine) it's an attempt (after a period of no contact) to see if they would be open to even talking to you. No "one size fits all" applies here. To the OP: Judge each case on merit is my advice. You know your ex best after all. For what it's worth I think you played it right. The message was polite but didn't engage in conversation. If I received that I'd back off for a bit and realise you weren't ready to talk yet.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) I think we agree on some points. i.e. if you aren't ready then don't contact etc. I also agree that the dumper should do most of the work. If you ignored a "hey how's it going" message, you might always wonder what their intentions are, but you have absolutely protected your heart from being re-broken. I absolutely agree with this and that's why I said if you're not ready then you should ignore it. But it is a fact that a lot of dumpers will just use a testing the water message (especially ones who don't read forums such as this). It doesn't matter whether you like/agree with that or not it is true. Therefore a blanket: "if someone sends you a "hey how's it going" type message it is definitely breadcrumbs and they don't really want you back" isn't true. My ex responded to my text (if he had asked on here what to do, he would have been advised by you to ignore it). Now we are talking and he knows I regret the break up and that I want him back. If he hadn't taken the risk and replied he wouldn't know that. He can now decide how to play it and I'll respect whatever he wants. In some cases it is just breadcrumbs and it's just guilt etc. In other cases (such as mine) it's an attempt (after a period of no contact) to see if they would be open to even talking to you. No "one size fits all" applies here. To the OP: Judge each case on merit is my advice. You know your ex best after all. For what it's worth I think you played it right. The message was polite but didn't engage in conversation. If I received that I'd back off for a bit and realise you weren't ready to talk yet. That's not the correct way for the dumper to play it. I don't care how many dumpers you know do it that way (even though I think you are making that up, every dumper I know who wanted to get back with the person they dumped didn't just give up had their dumpee not responded to "hey"). If a dumper is serious about getting back with the dumpee, they are going to be aggressive, or at the very least sporadically continue to try to make contact, upping the ante from the attempt before. If not, they are wishy-washy and fickle. If you really would have given up that easily, then you aren't serious about getting them back. It's not up to him to take the risk to reply to you -- it's up to you to take the risk to keep trying until he makes it abundantly clear that he has no interest -- i.e. telling you no, continuing to refuse more meaningful contact, blocking you. Edited November 15, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 1
sun1972 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I don't trust relationships that break up and reconcile that quickly. That's not really solving the problem -- that's putting a piece of chewed bubble gum into a leak. Eventually, it's going to spring a bigger leak. Like you said, you had a hard time putting the first break behind you -- probably because you got back together too soon and didn't really learn anything. But anyway, I would pretty much have no dealings with her until Christmas at least -- don't email, don't call, don't check up on her on social media, take a break and work on you. what if she as the dumpee reaches out before then? It has been LDR for 5 years now, but we have not had a single day where we havent talked. Weeks seems ...well it seems a silly period of time.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 what if she as the dumpee reaches out before then? It has been LDR for 5 years now, but we have not had a single day where we havent talked. Weeks seems ...well it seems a silly period of time. If she reaches out, then respond if you want, but I would suggest you suggest that we take a little time to think about it. I mean, weeks sounds silly to you, but breaking up and making up and breaking up sounds a lot more silly to me. I mean, if you have really talked every day for five years, you might need a bit of a break from each other to clear your heads.
Author chris21422 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 You know sometimes even though I wrote this thread.. I'm still thinking the "What if I just ignored the message"... And you are right after all I know my ex.. I know that she is still concern that's why she message that but sometimes I wish I just didn't respond and sometimes I think I did the right thing.. It's really confusing for us dumpee's. To the OP: Judge each case on merit is my advice. You know your ex best after all. For what it's worth I think you played it right. The message was polite but didn't engage in conversation. If I received that I'd back off for a bit and realise you weren't ready to talk yet.
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