Responding Vs Ignoring

[chris21422]

I think a lot of people seems to be confused with this when their EX contacts them During No contact period especially me . I think there's so many different situations on where you need to respond or ignore a message. When they start contact you there's a lot of reasons.

 

Either they start to Miss you, Ego, Guilty, Lonely, Horny, Want you back or just simply Checking the waters.

 

We can never know what's really on their mind and most advice on the internet I notice is to "Ignore your ex till they want to reconcile".

 

I think ignoring an ex in some cases is good but in some case it's bad and it can backfire on you especially if you want them back.

Think about it. When they text/call you whatever their intention is. "They still think about you"..

Sometimes it's really confusing especially for the dumpee to respond or not especially if they still want the person back.

 

I think there is positive and negative with responding and ignoring.

 

For me "Responding and Ignoring" the same time is the best option especially if you want a person back.

 

Show them that you have a better life without them. Always respond late cause you are busy

 

Don't respond to non-sense text message like "Hey What are you doing?" or if they say they "Miss you" don't respond,

 

If they are being emotional don't be there for them that's not your job you are not together anymore..

 

If they brought up the old relationship don't say anything and divert the conversation.

 

Never initiate contact Always let them! Never ask anything about them, Let them ask about you! It's all about you now not them.

 

Cut the conversation every time and say you need to go.

 

If they ask how are you? respond "I'm doing great" and don't ask how are they back.

 

Let them lead the conversation!! if they don't reply who cares? Back to "No Contact"

 

This is only my opinion and you can disagree with whatever you think it's right.. Good Luck to everyone ! Stay strong with "NO CONTACT"

[Simon Phoenix]

So basically you are saying ignore them until they send you something of substance. I think that's what most people advise.

[Lizrd3000]

All the tips you give are what I used, but I wasn't faking it.

I really was doing okay, and I did cut convo's because I had other things to do, and made her initiate conversations. Then we me up, had fun, and lied on the couch cuddling.

 

I tried to kiss her, and she told me she promised herself she wouldn't kiss me.. well... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

 

In the end, I did kiss her, and after 5 minutes of kissing she suddenly starts crying hysterically saying she missed me, and wanted to reconcille.

 

I was shocked.

 

one thing I did do was be there for her emotionally, after some weeks of ignoring though, so she knew how life was without me, then experiencing it again.

[chris21422]

Most people advice is "Ignore your ex till they want to reconcile"..

 

What I'm saying is If they simply ask something about you. respond on it..

 

and if they ask "Hey What are you doing?" or any type of message like this.. Ignore it.. It's just simply shows that they are bored and lonely with this type of questions.

 

If they greeted you on holidays, birthdays.. respond and greet them back and say thank you. but don't initiate to greet them!..

 

hope i make sense.

 

 

 

 

 

So basically you are saying ignore them until they send you something of substance. I think that's what most people advise.

Edited November 13, 2013 by chris21422

[todreaminblue]

I don't condone games i went no contact out of necessity he knew I needed it he gave me six months and he contacted me he said sorry I accepted we never got back together

 

 

 

I contemplated it as did he........wasn't meant to be if someone contacts me no matter what I feel I answer either to solve something or to let go he is very supportive of me I appreciate being able to be honest and not hide how I feel makes me mentally ill when I do it is why I am sick now I am not a game player I prefer simplicity as do most people I feel

 

 

Game playing is a waste of time for both in my mind anyway........

[Simon Phoenix]

Most people advice is "Ignore your ex till they want to reconcile"..

 

What I'm saying is If they simply ask something about you. respond on it..

 

and if they ask "Hey What are you doing?" or any type of message like this.. Ignore it.. It's just simply shows that they are bored and lonely with this type of questions.

 

If they greeted you on holidays, birthdays.. respond and greet them back and say thank you. but don't initiate to greet them!..

 

hope i make sense.

 

You do realize that happy holiday messages are usually messages where they select all on their contact list don't you? Those are about as worthless as a "hey" message.

[chris21422]

You are right! not the Happy birthday though..

 

You do realize that happy holiday messages are usually messages where they select all on their contact list don't you? Those are about as worthless as a "hey" message.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are right! not the Happy birthday though..

 

It's still pretty worthless.

[Never Again]

Happy holiday and birthday messages are all useless.

 

I won't say "thoughtless", but meaningless? Oh yeah.

 

Even if your ex picks you out specifically to say "Happy [blank]!"...it's to make them feel good.

 

I know. I've done it. I felt considerate. I was being a "good guy" and extending a wish of happiness on a day that's an easy excuse to make noncommittal contact.

 

They reach out because it makes them feel good. Doesn't really have much to do with you.

[chris21422]

You guys are probably right with holidays and birthdays..

 

That's what I will do I guess..

[emz23]

From a recent dumpers point of view:

I want my ex back (realized I made a hasty and bad decision breaking up with him) and have recently contacted him.

 

I sent a bit of a testing the water message. (of the kind seen above).

 

Hey how are you sorry for not being in touch. Hope your new job is going well

 

If he hadn't replied to this (he did, he rang me back 2 days later) I'd assume he had moved on or didn't want to hear from me and not contact anymore.

 

For birthdays, I know he is a polite person so if I text him happy birthday and he doesn't reply then I will think he doesn't want to hear from me and not contact him anymore.

 

I want what is best for him and if he has moved on without me or is not interested in me anymore then I have learned a harsh lesson. I will not contact him if I think he doesn't want to hear from me. I have respect for what he wants.

[Simon Phoenix]

From a recent dumpers point of view:

I want my ex back (realized I made a hasty and bad decision breaking up with him) and have recently contacted him.

 

I sent a bit of a testing the water message. (of the kind seen above).

 

Hey how are you sorry for not being in touch. Hope your new job is going well

 

If he hadn't replied to this (he did, he rang me back 2 days later) I'd assume he had moved on or didn't want to hear from me and not contact anymore.

 

For birthdays, I know he is a polite person so if I text him happy birthday and he doesn't reply then I will think he doesn't want to hear from me and not contact him anymore.

 

I want what is best for him and if he has moved on without me or is not interested in me anymore then I have learned a harsh lesson. I will not contact him if I think he doesn't want to hear from me. I have respect for what he wants.

 

Well, if you want him back it's your job to be more direct. Every dumpee on boards like this is advised to ignore contact from the dumper unless the dumper makes a genuine effort to facilitate reconciliation. So honestly, if you want your dumpee back, you need to step it up.

[emz23]

Well I guess this is the danger. If I hadn't looked at this board I wouldn't know that was the case. Red is Red to me and no reply = not interested.

Not every dumper/dumpee looks at boards like this and so wouldn't necessarily know what game the dumpee is playing.

 

I respect what he wants. He is responding to my texts and calls at the moment and I take that a reasonably good sign even though he refuses flat out to talk to me about "us". If he doesn't want to hear from me (indicated by not replying to my messages/calls) then I will respect that and not contact him.

 

Obviously your opinion from the other side of the dumper/dumpee fence is your own as is mine. I'm just saying how things are from my point of view at the moment. If he doesn't respond to my messages, I won't become a crazy stalker; I'd take the hint that he is no longer interested.

 

I've been on the other side of it and if my previous ex who dumped me messaged me months later saying "hey, want to get back together" I'd be like wtf?! That's a message I wouldn't respond to. That just sounds arrogant to me; like he assumes after time he can just step back into my life and my feelings for him would be the same. He'd have to at least be friendly and try to rebuild first (not that I'd want to with that one!)

 

Just my thoughts. Not advice.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I guess this is the danger. If I hadn't looked at this board I wouldn't know that was the case. Red is Red to me and no reply = not interested.

Not every dumper/dumpee looks at boards like this and so wouldn't necessarily know what game the dumpee is playing.

 

I respect what he wants. He is responding to my texts and calls at the moment and I take that a reasonably good sign even though he refuses flat out to talk to me about "us". If he doesn't want to hear from me (indicated by not replying to my messages/calls) then I will respect that and not contact him.

 

Obviously your opinion from the other side of the dumper/dumpee fence is your own as is mine. I'm just saying how things are from my point of view at the moment. If he doesn't respond to my messages, I won't become a crazy stalker; I'd take the hint that he is no longer interested.

 

I've been on the other side of it and if my previous ex who dumped me messaged me months later saying "hey, want to get back together" I'd be like wtf?! That's a message I wouldn't respond to. That just sounds arrogant to me; like he assumes after time he can just step back into my life and my feelings for him would be the same. He'd have to at least be friendly and try to rebuild first (not that I'd want to with that one!)

 

Just my thoughts. Not advice.

 

Well, sure, you'd think that if you were over someone. But put yourself in your ex's shoes -- you just threw him for a loop by dumping him, of course he's going to make you jump through hoops and not want to talk about the relationship. He's being guarded and he's skeptical of your motives. He's protecting his heart. If you really want him back, you need to put on your big girl pants and tell him (but make sure you really mean it) and let him evaluate. If he says no, then you have to drop it. But yeah, most dumpees are going to be wary about their dumper hinting around at the break, because most dumpers do that to make themselves feel better.

 

I'm sorry, but most dumpees aren't going to respond positively to your breadcrumbs, so if you are serious, you have to up the ante.

[melell]

It is so, so important to not plot with these things. The best advice I got on this site (now nearly 6 months post bu), was to not analyze things, not try and work it all out, not to plot out scenarios when contact is on the table.

 

I followed that advice to a tee.

 

I went through stages of contact. It was cut and dry. I had no contact the majority of the time. When contact was broken I only replied if it warranted a reply. I was straight to the point and answered whatever question honestly.

 

I made a point not to think about the conversation after it happened- no analyzing, just getting on with myself. Bar a few learning curves I didn't analyze what I had said, or what he had said. I only ever responded when I was emotionally able to- where even if I said something stupid I simply didn't care.

 

My ex came back, knocking on my door begging. I wasn't interested- and trust me I was in love with this guy, we had been together 6 years.

 

He would breadcrumb me every 3 weeks, and sometimes ignore me if I would reply. Even recently I got a very long email along the lines of '...don't think because we aren't talking that I don't think about you or miss you, because it is actually the opposite, you are always on my mind'.

 

After the breakup he was the extreme end of going out partying and loving single life, didn't care for how I felt, didn't care about anything. He left like it was absolutely nothing. I never in a million years expected him to come back.

 

Sorry for this long post! I guess my point is that if you won't to be happy don't think about it (contact), don't wonder, don't plot, don't try and work it out. If you force yourself not to, eventually your mind will stop going there.

[emz23]

I think you missed my point a little. This wasn't really about my situation I just used it as an example.

 

All I'm saying is my view on the ignore/reply question. Be careful with advice to flat out ignore them if/when they contact you.

 

Sure if you can't handle talking to them then don't reply. I know you do have to think of yourself in these situations. But if you want to reconcile "breadcrumbs" are sometimes actually "testing the water to see if reconciliation might be possible" messages (as in my case). I do want him back and my breadcrumbs weren't "breadcrumbs".

 

I don't know if my ex wants to reconcile but for arguments sake let's say he does. If he'd got advice on here he'd probably have been told to ignore the message. I would then have assumed he was over me/moved on/hated me or whatever and I'd have respected that decision and not contacted him any more. Then we wouldn't be talking now.

 

Like I say just my view from my current situation. Not giving advice on whether to definitely reply or not as I think that's down to the individual.

[xUnknown]

I think you missed my point a little. This wasn't really about my situation I just used it as an example.

 

All I'm saying is my view on the ignore/reply question. Be careful with advice to flat out ignore them if/when they contact you.

 

Sure if you can't handle talking to them then don't reply. I know you do have to think of yourself in these situations. But if you want to reconcile "breadcrumbs" are sometimes actually "testing the water to see if reconciliation might be possible" messages (as in my case). I do want him back and my breadcrumbs weren't "breadcrumbs".

 

I don't know if my ex wants to reconcile but for arguments sake let's say he does. If he'd got advice on here he'd probably have been told to ignore the message. I would then have assumed he was over me/moved on/hated me or whatever and I'd have respected that decision and not contacted him any more. Then we wouldn't be talking now.

 

Like I say just my view from my current situation. Not giving advice on whether to definitely reply or not as I think that's down to the individual.

 

I hear ya on this. As I was told from someone close to me, women (especially those who are stubborn - like my ex), aren't going to go out of their way and out of the blue want to reconcile. They aren't going to walk up to your front door and kick it in, because that's not them. Instead, they'll come up, tap at the door to see if you answer. That's how they are, they're stubborn, embarrassed, don't want to admit they're wrong, so they take a quieter approach to the situation. They aren't going to rip off the bandaid and go right it at it, instead, they'll pick at it...trying to ease their way in and slowly peal off the bandade - because thats the only way they can do it and keep part of their dignity.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you missed my point a little. This wasn't really about my situation I just used it as an example.

 

All I'm saying is my view on the ignore/reply question. Be careful with advice to flat out ignore them if/when they contact you.

 

Sure if you can't handle talking to them then don't reply. I know you do have to think of yourself in these situations. But if you want to reconcile "breadcrumbs" are sometimes actually "testing the water to see if reconciliation might be possible" messages (as in my case). I do want him back and my breadcrumbs weren't "breadcrumbs".

 

I don't know if my ex wants to reconcile but for arguments sake let's say he does. If he'd got advice on here he'd probably have been told to ignore the message. I would then have assumed he was over me/moved on/hated me or whatever and I'd have respected that decision and not contacted him any more. Then we wouldn't be talking now.

 

Like I say just my view from my current situation. Not giving advice on whether to definitely reply or not as I think that's down to the individual.

 

I remain unconvinced. When I'm the dumpee, I'm going to protect my heart and my interests first and foremost. If you are serious about reconciliation and you dumped me, then it is up to you to make your motives known. You caused this situation by dumping me -- if you are serious about getting me back you are going to have to prove it to me. You had no problem breaking my heart -- I have no problem making you sweat a little bit.

 

If you are unwilling to put your heart on the line, then you don't really want me in the first place. I would bet your ex misses you and likes talking to you in some way but is skeptical as all hell about your motivation for contacting him.

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear ya on this. As I was told from someone close to me, women (especially those who are stubborn - like my ex), aren't going to go out of their way and out of the blue want to reconcile. They aren't going to walk up to your front door and kick it in, because that's not them. Instead, they'll come up, tap at the door to see if you answer. That's how they are, they're stubborn, embarrassed, don't want to admit they're wrong, so they take a quieter approach to the situation. They aren't going to rip off the bandaid and go right it at it, instead, they'll pick at it...trying to ease their way in and slowly peal off the bandade - because thats the only way they can do it and keep part of their dignity.

 

Well, if their dignity is more important than getting the person back, then I guess they aren't going to get him back. Sure, admitting you're wrong is tough, but so is being dumped. If you want them back, you have to be willing to put yourself on the line. It's not the responsibility of the dumped to make the dumper feel good about a situation than they created.

[chris21422]

To be honest guys. I wrote this thread because my ex girlfriend of 2 years broke No Contact 5 days ago and I didn't know what freakin thing to do.

 

It's only been 3 weeks of No contact and she already broke it..

 

In the end It took me the next day to finally decide if i will respond and I Did..

 

Her Text: "Hi!!!! how are you? I heard the news about the bad weather in your hometown is your family ok?"

 

My reply: "I'm doing great and they are fine. Thanks"

 

She didn't reply anymore after that. At first I actually felt really bad for responding to her maybe because she didn't respond.

 

but I came to think of it does it really matter if I respond or not?

 

Is she gonna go back to my arms if I respond or not?

 

The answer is "NO"

 

So in the end I just know that replying to a question about my family and at the same time asking How I am is the right thing to do and at the same time my reply to her shows that I'm not interested by not asking her back..

 

I'll just think that us dumpee's should be really wise if we need to respond or not for whatever their intention is cause every situation is different.

Edited November 14, 2013 by chris21422

[Simon Phoenix]

To be honest guys. I wrote this thread because my ex girlfriend of 2 years broke No Contact 5 days ago and I didn't know what freakin thing to do.

 

It's only been 3 weeks of No contact and she already broke it..

 

In the end It took me the next day to finally decide if i will respond and I Did..

 

Her Text: "Hi!!!! how are you? I heard the news about the bad weather in your hometown is your family ok?"

 

My reply: "I'm doing great and they are fine. Thanks"

 

She didn't reply anymore after that. At first I actually felt really bad for responding to her maybe because she didn't respond.

 

but I came to think of it does it really matter if I respond or not?

 

Is she gonna go back to my arms if I respond or not?

 

The answer is "NO"

 

So in the end I just know that replying to a question about my family and at the same time asking How I am is the right thing to do and at the same time my reply to her shows that I'm not interested by not asking her back..

 

I'll just think that us dumpee's should be really wise if we need to respond or not for whatever their intention is cause every situation is different.

 

If I'm reading this right -- you've been broken up three weeks and you've been in no contact for five days -- then any response from you shows in her mind that you have interest. I don't think she felt you were uninterested from her response. You didn't come out and say you wanted her back, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she thinks you don't. If you did the whole begging and pleading for her back thing right after the break, she's going to assume that you are still interested for a while. It'll take a lot more than five days NC to uproot that idea from her head.

[chris21422]

No we been broken up for 3 weeks and We been in No contact for 3 weeks too.

 

I didn't do the begging thing. When she said she wanted to be alone No relations.. I didn't reply to her email anymore and just disappeared! I gave her what she wanted.. she didn't hear anything from me.

 

and she contacted me 5 days ago.. November 9. so funny is she is contacting me like nothing happened.. with so many !!! with her HI

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I'm reading this right -- you've been broken up three weeks and you've been in no contact for five days -- then any response from you shows in her mind that you have interest. I don't think she felt you were uninterested from her response. You didn't come out and say you wanted her back, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she thinks you don't. If you did the whole begging and pleading for her back thing right after the break, she's going to assume that you are still interested for a while. It'll take a lot more than five days NC to uproot that idea from her head.

[emz23]

I remain unconvinced. When I'm the dumpee, I'm going to protect my heart and my interests first and foremost. If you are serious about reconciliation and you dumped me, then it is up to you to make your motives known. You caused this situation by dumping me -- if you are serious about getting me back you are going to have to prove it to me. You had no problem breaking my heart -- I have no problem making you sweat a little bit.

 

If you are unwilling to put your heart on the line, then you don't really want me in the first place. I would bet your ex misses you and likes talking to you in some way but is skeptical as all hell about your motivation for contacting him.

 

I can understand that. Like I said whether to reply or not is down to the individual.

If this was the case. I dump you. I want to get back together. I send you a message. You don't respond. I respect that decision and don't contact you again even though I originally wanted to reconcile.

 

I'll just think that us dumpee's should be really wise if we need to respond or not for whatever their intention is cause every situation is different.

 

spot on

[Simon Phoenix]

I can understand that. Like I said whether to reply or not is down to the individual.

If this was the case. I dump you. I want to get back together. I send you a message. You don't respond. I respect that decision and don't contact you again even though I originally wanted to reconcile.

 

Well, you aren't being honest with that approach and it's a bit selfish considering that you were the one who caused the situation. How is the dumpee supposed to read your mind? A "hey, how's it going?" or a message to that effect does not indicate at all that you want to reconcile. You are determining whether or not a person wants to get together by whether or not they respond to a message that has absolutely no hint of you wanting to get back with them. People can't read minds. If you want to fix something that you broke, you have to be direct.

 

Your approach is flawed in this situation. You are respecting a decision that they didn't even make because you didn't give them the proper information to make that decision. Don't assume that a dumpee knows what your intentions are.

[Never Again]

I can understand that. Like I said whether to reply or not is down to the individual.

If this was the case. I dump you. I want to get back together. I send you a message. You don't respond. I respect that decision and don't contact you again even though I originally wanted to reconcile.

 

Ignoring a message from you does not suggest a hard set decision to never have contact. It docent even indicate a lack of interest.

 

A dumpee rides a horrible emotional roller coaster after a breakup, and you have to realize that those who've been rejected may want to talk to you, but feel they can't.

 

This forum is full of dumpees that went NC after responding to countless messages from dumpers. Each of us hopes that the dumper was testing the waters to ease back into reconciliation. Most of us have been burned because as soon as we showed interest, the dumper vanished...sometimes even mid conversation.

 

You hurt someone. You rejected them. They could want you back but still have every right to be skiddish around you. If you really want them back, you need to be willing to put in the hustle...even if it means looking foolish in the process.