Yet another "he hasn't called" question.

[WaitingforMrRight]

Ok, here's the deal. I went out with a guy last week, we met on a dating site. Ordinarily I do not subscribe to the "let's chat" for days/weeks/months thing; I prefer to exchange a couple of emails, set up a date and be done with it. However, this guy mentioned he was new to the dating scene and I could tell that he was nervous. Because of this and because he was out of town for several days, it ended up being a little over 2 weeks that we corresponded before we went on a date. Conversation was very different from most men, I was really intrigued by him and decided to break my own rules. We got a little worked up during the course of conversation...about how we were really excited to meet, how we each felt the other was 'special' or 'different.' My hopes were up, but I am realistic and experienced enough to know that those feelings could change upon meeting, for both of us.

 

So we met. And it was fantastic. It was better than anything I could have hoped for. No exaggerating. Conversation was great, we flirted, we talked about doing things in the future (as in dates, not babies, lol). He was the ultimate gentleman. After drinks we went outside to part ways and kissed....and kissed some more...and could not. stop. kissing. It was hot. He whispered sweet things in my ear and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and told me how gorgeous I am...many times. He also said "All I had to do was kiss you and I knew." (Knew what? I didn't ask.) And when I got home he sent a text that said, "wow. all I can say about you is WOW!!"

 

I can be pretty cynical, but can't see a way that this date went wrong.

 

For the next few days we texted normally, as we had been. On Friday he said, maybe we can get together this weekend? I said yes. Since then? Radio silence.

 

Here are the disclaimers:

a) He is a very busy guy. He's in the medical field and works 12+ hours per day, 3 or 4 days a week.

b) He is recently divorced and has a small child who he shares custody of. I did ask him if he was mourning his marriage or still had a connection to his ex; he was adamant that he did not. He left voluntarily because they had fallen out of love with each other over the last couple of years.

c) Here's a big one. I was his first date post-divorce.

 

Can anyone figure out a way to explain him dropping off the face of the earth? And yes, he has logged into dating site.

I'm not stupid. I know if a guy likes you he will take 30 seconds out of his day to text you, no matter how busy he is. Given our history, the drop off is unusual.

The only thing I can think is that he got carried away, thought about it later, decided he wasn't ready for something so intense and wants to just play the field. But does that even make sense? It was only one date, not a marriage proposal.

I'm not well-versed in divorced men.

 

Help! After that date I was down for the count...now I'm devastated. I haven't been this into anyone for a very long time.

[d0nnivain]

Pick up the phone & call him. Asking can't be worse than limbo.

[WaitingforMrRight]

Pick up the phone & call him. Asking can't be worse than limbo.

 

I'm going to give it a few more days. Trying to be patient, and don't want to be a nag. Going crazy, though.

Also, I am half waiting for him to text me and be all "I'm so sorry!" and I can be like, "no big deal, i've been sooooo busy." I wish.

Edited November 13, 2013 by WaitingforMrRight

[ExpatInItaly]

He could be seeing other women, too. I know he told you you're his first post-divorce date, but who really knows if that's true? It's nice to give the benefit of the doubt but you never know.

 

I'd see what happens over the next couple days. He could have a valid reason. In the meantime, explore other options.

[soccerrprp]

Your his first date since divorce. He's gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit and wants more. I would not be surprised if he was dating other women.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

I suspect you know why. Radiosilence is your answer, especially since he's finding time to log on to the dating site. He's not interested and/or has put you on a back burner. You thought it was a fabulous date, and you had a great connection. He may have a different view. It happens. Either that or he's on a rollercoaster of confusion and exploration post-divorce, or less likely, he's playing games.

 

...Help! After that date I was down for the count...now I'm devastated. I haven't been this into anyone for a very long time.

It was one date. You're getting way...way...too invested upfront, if you're devastated and down for the count because you don't get a second date. Many dates are one and dones because one or both people weren't interested in another round to learn more. They learned enough on the first date. He's dating others, or trying to. You should as well.

[Leigh 87]

Hey, I want to give you some VERY important advice: MANY women... SO many women, go on a date and say things like:

 

Typical women talk after "they think" they had an "amazing" date

- they had a GREAT connection

- he was amazing

- he held her face in his hand and " looked her in the eye":lmao:

 

 

 

Look I am not laughing AT YOU,but this happens ALL THE TIME!

 

SO many women, in fact, MOST of us, have been on a date WE thought was "amazing", only to get radio silence after.

 

It is common to get nothing from a guy who seemed to keen on us, who initiated talking about future dates and who just seemed 100% legit into us:lmao:

 

It happens to us all.

 

Men can act interested when they are not, or change their mind.

 

I know it is really annoying, to go into a date and think it was pretty effing perfect, only for the guy to NOT be thinking the same, right? I mean ,how could he NOT have felt it was wonderful? All the kissing, non stop conversation, the chemisry.

 

Look, a lot of the time the man WILL be genuine and his feelings WILL allign with his actions.

 

Just get used to the man dissapearing after what you consider to be a totally amazing date.

 

ALWAYS rememember: just because YOU think the time was completeley out of this world, DOES NOT mean the guy felt it, too.

 

 

 

I am really sorry you are left so surprised and feeling upset.... The key, I think, is to not get so invested next time.. Do notbelieve the guy feels the same way UNTIL you have BOTH dated a FEW MONTHS.

It takes months for a guy to prove that his actions are consistent with his words.

NEVER get too excited about a first, second or third date. Guys can dissapear at any time, and it happens to most of us at some point.

It will aways sting a bit, however, we can reduce the amount we invest, and control the outcome if they DO dissapear.

[Ruby Slippers]

He whispered sweet things in my ear and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and told me how gorgeous I am...many times. He also said "All I had to do was kiss you and I knew." (Knew what? I didn't ask.) And when I got home he sent a text that said, "wow. all I can say about you is WOW!!"

This would have been very romantic and lovely if he'd followed it up with sustained ardor. But he did not, so it comes across as empty player talk.

 

For the next few days we texted normally, as we had been. On Friday he said, maybe we can get together this weekend? I said yes. Since then? Radio silence.

So he waits till the last minute to ask you out for the weekend, then ignores you when you accept. To me, that's grounds enough not to see him again. It was bad enough that he didn't ask you in advance - it's terrible and very disrespectful that he simply ignored you. If he "knew" and really thought you were so special, he would have planned a date very soon after the first one, and he certainly wouldn't have ignored you.

 

a) He is a very busy guy. He's in the medical field and works 12+ hours per day, 3 or 4 days a week.

Means nothing if a man really likes a woman.

 

b) He is recently divorced and has a small child who he shares custody of. I did ask him if he was mourning his marriage or still had a connection to his ex; he was adamant that he did not. He left voluntarily because they had fallen out of love with each other over the last couple of years.

One useful thing I learned from this forum is that most people aren't anywhere near ready to date until at least a year after a divorce, and usually more like 2 years.

 

Can anyone figure out a way to explain him dropping off the face of the earth?

He's not that into you.

 

And yes, he has logged into dating site.

Definitely not that into you.

 

The only thing I can think is that he got carried away, thought about it later, decided he wasn't ready for something so intense and wants to just play the field. But does that even make sense?

Romantic story. I think he's just not that into you.

 

Help! After that date I was down for the count...now I'm devastated. I haven't been this into anyone for a very long time.

Don't be blinded by infatuation. You're devastated after 1 date? You need to go on some more dates - with different guys.

 

Do NOT let your attraction to this "busy" guy blind you to the facts I've laid out here. If you want something serious, don't waste your time with a guy who isn't serious about you, and consistent with his words and actions.

 

If I were you, if he gets back in touch with me, I'd tell him thanks but no thanks, then ignore and go totally NC for good. Might sound harsh, but it will save you a lot of heartache later.

[anna121]

Unfortunately, the most likely answer is what Ruby said above. Not that into you. Had

something else social come up that was more important than getting together with you.

 

Kind of a jerk move to propose a get-together and then not follow up. If there was some kind of real problem (kid got sick) he could have found 30 secs to let you know.

 

I'd forget about him. If he wants another shot, he can bloody well work for it.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

That he waited until Friday to ask you out for the same weekend, means that he most likely was working other options all week. None seemed to be coming through, so he asked you. Then a better prospect said yes, and you were dropped like a radioactive hot potato...radiosilence despite all the "wows," magic, and empty flattery.

 

He'll be back with excuses and more meaningless charm when he can't get anyone and has a lull in his calendar. I wouldn't give him the time of day when he does. You deserve way better treatment.

[Ruby Slippers]

He'll be back with excuses and more meaningless charm when he can't get anyone and has a lull in his calendar. I wouldn't give him the time of day when he does. You deserve way better treatment.

Yes, expect this.

 

I predict he'll have an excuse/sob story about why he didn't follow up on his date invitation for the weekend. Then he'll lay on the flattery and try to line up the next date. But only if none of his other leads work out.

 

I wouldn't even answer his text or call. Ever.

[Leigh 87]

Personally, I do not think guys like this are decent people.

 

I don't go around pretending to really like guys, when I don't.

 

I have empathy. I realise that if I act like a guy is so amazing, and he buys it, he will likely get hurt if it is all a lie, just because I want "options" in my dating schedule.

 

Being a girl, I have a few guys at a time who are interested in me, and man, I could NEVER feign interest if it wasn't genuine. To me, that is sick:sick:

 

I actually think guys like that are borederline sociopathic. Yes, they are doing something "wrong" with absolutely NO idea that it IS, in fact, not all that nice to PRETEND to really like a girl.

 

Why hold a girls face, look her in the eye, and tell her she is gorgeous when he OBVIOUSLY didn't mean it?

 

I mean PLEASE. WHY be over the top and all lovey when he knows full well he is not that into her?

 

It is just really sickening. People these days.

 

People who go to so much trouble to put an ACT on, and do over the top guestures to " whoo" a girl, are disgusting in my opinion.

 

I know you owe anyone anything if you don't know them, and yes it was the OP'S fault for buying what a guy she only just met said to be valid.

 

I was in the OPS shoes this year actually and I have only recently leart the lesson the OP has learnt.

 

I am just really disgusted by men who actually take a girls hand, look in their eyes and tell them how amazing they are. WHen they know full well they do not fancy the girl at all.

 

TO me, it is sickening how guys do this.

 

 

Just be careful. There are lot of sociopaths these days, or people who re just very devoid of empathy and consideration towards others.

[PinkCarnations]

I'm going to answer this from a book that i live by. He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt.

 

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “A*shole.” “A*shole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.” well in this situation.. it would be text message.. but all the same.

 

(Found the above advice on the internet but thought it applied to your situation. )

[WaitingforMrRight]

Wow, you guys are harsh. Not disagreeing with you, just...harsh.

I'm not a novice at dating, and believe me I know about the whole "it was great for me but not as great for him" thing. I can look back at the guys i've gone out with (who haven't called back) and think, you know what, they just weren't that into me, and can recall the signs. Why would a guy go through all those motions, though, if he "just not that into me"? Not that it's impossible, it just seems kind of sick, actually, to get all romantic and heavy if you're not into someone. I've never experienced that before.

 

And YES for the love of god I know that being busy is not an excuse. I said it in my original post.

 

After we began talking I googled his username and found him on another dating site, where he implicitly states he's recently divorced, not looking for anything serious and just wants to meet new people. He didn't say that on the site where I met him. It was only when we began talking that I found out how "new" he was to the scene. (He only moved out over the summer.) Had I known this beforehand I probably would have avoided him completely.

So yeah, I do think he wants to date around. And that's okay. Why not just play that way instead of getting so intense?

 

Maybe "devastated" was a poor choice of words. I know it's only been one date, but he is the first guy I've actually been excited about in months. Usually I have to force myself to go on a date. Most of my dates have been pretty crappy, to say the least. The last guy I went out with kicked a homeless man during our date, so this one was a huge step up, lol.

 

I should also add that this guy and I work for the same place. Pure coincidence, and we work in different buildings. It's a big place, but small enough that there is a very good chance we will run into each other. To just leave without a word creates a bit of an awkward situation.

[Brown-Eyez]

Ok, here's the deal. I went out with a guy last week, we met on a dating site. Ordinarily I do not subscribe to the "let's chat" for days/weeks/months thing; I prefer to exchange a couple of emails, set up a date and be done with it. However, this guy mentioned he was new to the dating scene and I could tell that he was nervous. Because of this and because he was out of town for several days, it ended up being a little over 2 weeks that we corresponded before we went on a date. Conversation was very different from most men, I was really intrigued by him and decided to break my own rules. We got a little worked up during the course of conversation...about how we were really excited to meet, how we each felt the other was 'special' or 'different.' My hopes were up, but I am realistic and experienced enough to know that those feelings could change upon meeting, for both of us.

 

So we met. And it was fantastic. It was better than anything I could have hoped for. No exaggerating. Conversation was great, we flirted, we talked about doing things in the future (as in dates, not babies, lol). He was the ultimate gentleman. After drinks we went outside to part ways and kissed....and kissed some more...and could not. stop. kissing. It was hot. He whispered sweet things in my ear and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and told me how gorgeous I am...many times. He also said "All I had to do was kiss you and I knew." (Knew what? I didn't ask.) And when I got home he sent a text that said, "wow. all I can say about you is WOW!!"

 

I can be pretty cynical, but can't see a way that this date went wrong.

 

For the next few days we texted normally, as we had been. On Friday he said, maybe we can get together this weekend? I said yes. Since then? Radio silence.

 

Here are the disclaimers:

a) He is a very busy guy. He's in the medical field and works 12+ hours per day, 3 or 4 days a week.

b) He is recently divorced and has a small child who he shares custody of. I did ask him if he was mourning his marriage or still had a connection to his ex; he was adamant that he did not. He left voluntarily because they had fallen out of love with each other over the last couple of years.

c) Here's a big one. I was his first date post-divorce.

 

Can anyone figure out a way to explain him dropping off the face of the earth? And yes, he has logged into dating site.

I'm not stupid. I know if a guy likes you he will take 30 seconds out of his day to text you, no matter how busy he is. Given our history, the drop off is unusual.

The only thing I can think is that he got carried away, thought about it later, decided he wasn't ready for something so intense and wants to just play the field. But does that even make sense? It was only one date, not a marriage proposal.

I'm not well-versed in divorced men.

 

Help! After that date I was down for the count...now I'm devastated. I haven't been this into anyone for a very long time.

 

I just want to say how sorry I am that your hopes were let down so badly

 

No one deserves that kind of pain but unfortunately if you risk your heart that can be the outcome.

 

You sound very savvy and I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think he did anything terribly wrong either (I doubt he was playing you when he said those lovely things..I bet he meant it..in the moment). I think you're right that it was too much too soon for him.

 

Don't let this get you down. I agree with everyone that you should absolutely make him WORK ALOT for you if you want to let him back in your life.

In the meantime, keep your chin up and know that you are a GREAT PERSON!

[Ruby Slippers]

Why would a guy go through all those motions, though, if he "just not that into me"? Not that it's impossible, it just seems kind of sick, actually, to get all romantic and heavy if you're not into someone. I've never experienced that before.

It is sick. My guess is he hasn't been romantic in a while, given that his marriage failed. So he's probably starved for it. He might well be like this with any woman he goes out with for a while. Pathetic - but many people are.

 

After we began talking I googled his username and found him on another dating site, where he implicitly states he's recently divorced, not looking for anything serious and just wants to meet new people. He didn't say that on the site where I met him.

Smart!

 

(He only moved out over the summer.)

He's already proven to be shady. He might not even be divorced yet. But yeah, nowhere near ready for anything serious again.

 

Why not just play that way instead of getting so intense?

Maybe he was hoping for easy sex.

 

I should also add that this guy and I work for the same place. Pure coincidence, and we work in different buildings. It's a big place, but small enough that there is a very good chance we will run into each other. To just leave without a word creates a bit of an awkward situation.

Him asking you on a date then ignoring you was the awkward part. He created that situation, so don't let him make YOU feel awkward. If I ran into him at work, I'd basically pretend I never saw him before - cold and cordial. I would find that very satisfying with a guy like this.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

So he's separated...or divorced?

 

Dating can be frustrating. It's hard to find mutual interest. No one is trying to be harsh. What some of us are suggesting here is to make sure a guy backs up his words with actions, and to limit how invested/excited you get about someone until you get a handle on who the person is.

 

Yes, my boyfriend held my face in his hands and stared in my eyes when he kissed me on our first date. Yes, he told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, the best kisser ever, blah blah blah. I'm sure his sappy lines were gag-worthy to everyone around us that night. BUT he set up our second date before we parted ways. He texted me when he thought I got home to make sure I was safe and thank me for an "amazing" date. He called me the next day. He spent a long time planning our second date. He worried about whether I would lose interest. Whether the dates he was planning were good enough. Yes, he works 80+ hours per week, and we live 1.5 hours apart, but he routinely dropped everything if he had a shot at spending any time with me. After our fourth date, he asked me to be exclusive. I didn't take anything he said or did seriously until he made it crystal clear that he wanted to focus on only me, he wanted a relationship with me, and he saw a future with me. Until then I just enjoyed the moment with no expectations, and dated him and other guys.

 

The key is do the guy's actions consistently match his words? Over time, does he follow through reliably? Sounds like this guy is looking to date around and have some casual fun. That's very typical with a separated or recently divorced guy. He's most likely on a journey to rediscover himself. If that's not what you want, ignore him when he returns.

[WaitingforMrRight]

I wish I could quote but I'm on my phone...sorry.

 

Given the timeframe I'm sure he's not officially divorced yet. Again, hindsight. If I'd known that I would have avoided. That's actually why I started online dating, because unless a dude is lying (which happens), you know where he stands and what he's looking for off the bat.

The site where I met the guy (okc) doesn't have a specific place to put if you are separated/divorced/never married/etc so he wasn't really being shady in that respect.

 

Could be that he was just looking for sex, but I didn't get that vibe. That actually happened to me on my first online date. Thought we had a great time, kissed afterward, then he invited me to his place. Oh hell no! After I told the guy no he sped off and never called again. Lesson learned.

Edited November 14, 2013 by WaitingforMrRight

[kassy]

Well you had a fun night and got a bit of a make out session out of it. All good. Doesn't sound like he's a horrible person but probably multi dating and working out being single and divorced. Even if he is a horrible person, it's all a moot point really. You two clearly don't want the same things from each other after the first date so appreciate it for a fun night and just move on.

 

My boyfriend is divorced and has a kid. It's a complex situation and we met 2 years after the divorce. I don't think straight after he would have been in a place to date doesn't matter how much we got on

[PinkCarnations]

I'm in the same situation right now.. It's been about 1.5 weeks since our "amazing date." He just started ignoring me out of the blue, but others have suggested it was because I didn't 'come home with him.' I do the same thing as you and check to see when he was last online on the dating site. It absolutely sucks to see that he has not replied to my message but has def been active on the dating site. Anyways, take it for what it is.. Think about him now and then. Do you own thing. And slowly, you'll forget about him. In the mean time, try to browse for other guys. As long as you don't act crazy, you should have no regrets. There was nothing else you could have done to change the outcome. In fact, don't show ANY sign of concern. Do not text him or follow-up!

[Pretty.in.Pink]

Please don't beat yourself up! There's a positive in everything. You learned there are guys like him out there, and you can add that to the list of things to avoid. Also, he didn't reel you in for weeks then disappear.

[Nyla]

It is never a good idea to get your hopes up too much, about a man that you barely know. People put their best foot forward when they meet someone, whether they met online or in person.

 

When I was single, I learned the hard way that it is best to let the man do the pursuing. That way, I knew that the man was interested and I wouldn't embarrass myself. I never called a man after a date, no matter how good it was. I also made sure that I did not return any post date contact right away; best not to seem too available. It sounds dishonest but men rarely respect women who are too forward and keen. If a man is interested, he will contact you and set up another date. Simple as that.

 

You mentioned that this man is recently divorced with a child. He is likely an emotional mess given that he has just endured the trauma of a divorce; are you sure that you want to be some divorced guy's rebound? Maybe the attraction that he had to you scared him. It is also quite possible that he is seeing other people; after all, you only went on ONE date.

[forgetmenot75]

Can't believe people here that gives bad advice. OMG! DO NOT CALL HIM!! PLEASE, DO NOT CALL HIM, NOR TEXT HIM!!

 

Yes, he's recently separated, no, he probably hasn't overcome his divorce yet.

YES, you should forget about him.

 

Him being on dating sites ONLINE after meeting you is BAD NEWS.

 

You already have the answers, it's not that difficult. Listen to your heart. you already know he doesn't want anything serious.

 

I'm sorry I hope he contacts you, though. PLease, do not make any move. It's on his side now. You don't need to look desperate or needy. People, c'mon!

[WaitingforMrRight]

Oh no worries, I do not chase or pursue...I have a strict one for one policy one text from him (or any guy), one reply from me. That way I have no doubts. The last time I texted him was to respond to his Q about going out over the weekend. No reply, no text.

 

I def don't want to be this guys rebound. That's why I asked if he was still attached to his marriage or wife in any way. His answer (in short, no) seemed genuine, but maybe this guy is a master of deceit. He said that they've basically been living as roommates for the past 2 years and finally decided to put an end to it while their child was still young.

 

I also def don't expect him to not see other people after only one date! I did expect him to call again, though...that's all.

[Leigh 87]

I wish I could quote but I'm on my phone...sorry.

 

Given the timeframe I'm sure he's not officially divorced yet. Again, hindsight. If I'd known that I would have avoided. That's actually why I started online dating, because unless a dude is lying (which happens), you know where he stands and what he's looking for off the bat.

The site where I met the guy (okc) doesn't have a specific place to put if you are separated/divorced/never married/etc so he wasn't really being shady in that respect.

 

Could be that he was just looking for sex, but I didn't get that vibe. That actually happened to me on my first online date. Thought we had a great time, kissed afterward, then he invited me to his place. Oh hell no! After I told the guy no he sped off and never called again. Lesson learned.

 

 

 

Yeah, you don't sound clueless about dating!

 

It really seems that this is the first guy who lied to you and acted like he felt intensely, when really, he didn't.

 

Even experienced dates get fooled.

 

Next time, just don't get your hopes up until he nails you down and follows through with his promises like the poster Kassy's boyfriend did.

 

By all means enjoy the date, but do not be too shocked if the guy doesn't talk to you again. It happens all the time, with guy who totally seemed into you.