Speaking of Sociopath...is he one?

[hurtnomorerika]

He lied about his marriage, invited me to his house. Brought his daughter to mine. Had sex with me while she (daughter) was in the other room playing with my daughter. Kept pursuing me even after I broke up with him when I found out he was a MM. He would wait to BS went to sleep and ask me to meet him places late at night. He was friends with a maintenance guy in their apartment complex he would sneak me into empty apartments while BS was in their apt without a clue of what he was outside doing. He had sex with me on BS b-day one year. We were together on V-day while wife was at work. He had sex with me in his wife's mother truck and her stepdad's truck. He did alot of other stuff, but this stuff stands out the most. When he was doing this stuff he didnt seem to feel guilty at all.

 

Then he gets me pregnant, leaves and continues to live in bliss like he's king of the earth and he's done nothing wrong. A person like that has no conscience or guilt.

 

Is he a sociopath?

[MissBee]

He lied about his marriage, invited me to his house. Brought his daughter to mine. Had sex with me while she (daughter) was in the other room playing with my daughter. Kept pursuing me even after I broke up with him when I found out he was a MM. He would wait to BS went to sleep and ask me to meet him places late at night. He was friends with a maintenance guy in their apartment complex he would sneak me into empty apartments while BS was in their apt without a clue of what he was outside doing. He had sex with me on BS b-day one year. We were together on V-day while wife was at work. He had sex with me in his wife's mother truck and her stepdad's truck. He did alot of other stuff, but this stuff stands out the most. When he was doing this stuff he didnt seem to feel guilty at all.

 

Then he gets me pregnant, leaves and continues to live in bliss like he's king of the earth and he's done nothing wrong. A person like that has no conscience or guilt.

 

Is he a sociopath?

 

Only a clinician can say.

 

It doesn't matter what label he has though, his terrible actions are still terrible, and whether we deem it sociopathy, or something else, he behaved awfully. Was he a lot older than you?

[hurtnomorerika]

Only a clinician can say.

 

It doesn't matter what label he has though, his terrible actions are still terrible, and whether we deem it sociopathy, or something else, he behaved awfully. Was he a lot older than you?

 

He's 29, Im 27. Yes, he did some terrible things. We both did. I dont want to place all the blame on him. I was so IN LOVE atleast I thought I was, I never gave too much thought to his actions BUT NOW that Im out of it. I look back and I say "what was he thinking"? "what was I thinking" during that time. Clearly we were not thinking.

[whichwayisup]

He lied about his marriage, invited me to his house. Brought his daughter to mine. Had sex with me while she (daughter) was in the other room playing with my daughter. Kept pursuing me even after I broke up with him when I found out he was a MM. He would wait to BS went to sleep and ask me to meet him places late at night. He was friends with a maintenance guy in their apartment complex he would sneak me into empty apartments while BS was in their apt without a clue of what he was outside doing. He had sex with me on BS b-day one year. We were together on V-day while wife was at work. He had sex with me in his wife's mother truck and her stepdad's truck. He did alot of other stuff, but this stuff stands out the most. When he was doing this stuff he didnt seem to feel guilty at all.

 

Then he gets me pregnant, leaves and continues to live in bliss like he's king of the earth and he's done nothing wrong. A person like that has no conscience or guilt.

 

Is he a sociopath?

 

The real question should be, once you found out that he was married, WHY you continued with him?

 

To answer your question, who knows if he is one or not. He IS a selfish jerk though, that's a fact. Though you allowed it to go on and he relished that, used your love and all that you felt, manipulated you. The more you continued with him, it gave him the green light (permission) to do as he pleased with you.

[hurtnomorerika]

The real question should be, once you found out that he was married, WHY you continued with him?

 

To answer your question, who knows if he is one or not. He IS a selfish jerk though, that's a fact. Though you allowed it to go on and he relished that, used your love and all that you felt, manipulated you. The more you continued with him, it gave him the green light (permission) to do as he pleased with you.

 

 

I think I continued because I cared about him and at that time in life I had been out of a abusive relationship for quite sometime and I felt lonely. He filled that loneliness.

 

You're right, he knew I was vulnerable and that I loved him. He manipulated me. I found myself as most OW do, going along. I was going along with alot of stuff that I knew was wrong even with the way he was disrespecting me because I didnt want to mess up what we had. Which was "nothing".

[whichwayisup]

I think I continued because I cared about him and at that time in life I had been out of a abusive relationship for quite sometime and I felt lonely. He filled that loneliness.

 

You're right, he knew I was vulnerable and that I loved him. He manipulated me. I found myself as most OW do, going along. I was going along with alot of stuff that I knew was wrong even with the way he was disrespecting me because I didnt want to mess up what we had. Which was "nothing".

 

Now is a great time for you to bond with women friends and those who truly care about you. Get some counseling as well to help rebuild your confidence, self esteem and grow. Be independent and rely on NO man to make you feel loved and special. Your love for yourself has to be enough.

 

One day when the timing is right and you're really ready to be in a healthy, honest and simple relationship (meaning no drama and crap, games etc) a great man (single) will walk into your life when you least expect it.

 

Take care of you now and heal.

[hurtnomorerika]

Now is a great time for you to bond with women friends and those who truly care about you. Get some counseling as well to help rebuild your confidence, self esteem and grow. Be independent and rely on NO man to make you feel loved and special. Your love for yourself has to be enough.

 

One day when the timing is right and you're really ready to be in a healthy, honest and simple relationship (meaning no drama and crap, games etc) a great man (single) will walk into your life when you least expect it.

 

Take care of you now and heal.

 

Right! Im not ready to be involved with anyone yet. Physically, I feel like I could smash someone right now, Its been so long since I've been intimate with someone. However, I was telling a friend of mine that I can wait. I've been through so much with this situation and it has been a life lesson learned. I dont want to be intimately involved with someone until I KNOW they feel the same way.

 

I DO need some counseling, not just talking to family/friends some real counseling. Someone I can spill everything to and not be ashamed of anything, but get some kind of clarity as in who I am so this cannot happen again. I do need to heal, I've fought a long and hard fight and Im still hurting. His disappearance has been almost like a death, Im still grieving. I had to go through pregnancy and childbirth all through this.

[2sunny]

I think I continued because I cared about him and at that time in life I had been out of a abusive relationship for quite sometime and I felt lonely. He filled that loneliness.

 

You're right, he knew I was vulnerable and that I loved him. He manipulated me. I found myself as most OW do, going along. I was going along with alot of stuff that I knew was wrong even with the way he was disrespecting me because I didnt want to mess up what we had. Which was "nothing".

 

Nope! YOU ALLOWED the manipulation!!!

 

Own it! Own HOW YOU participated!

 

It's only on you!

 

You aren't his victim! You are the result of your own choices!

[krazikat]

Nope! YOU ALLOWED the manipulation!!!

 

Own it! Own HOW YOU participated!

 

It's only on you!

 

You aren't his victim! You are the result of your own choices!

 

I agree with this. I know you are in a tough spot rika, but you have to own your actions. You knew he was married yet you failed to protect yourself and became pregnant, he made it clear he didn't want a child, you decided for him. Unless you were fully protected and BC failed, I am at a loss as to what you expected? Did you expect him to leave his wife for you because you were pregnant? You knew what he was, what he was about...why the heck would you even want to waste any more time on him?

 

And still you protect his secret. Sheesh.

 

You had no problem sneaking around to **** him. You are not a victim. The wife remains in the dark. That's who I feel bad for, actually, the two people I feel bad for is the BS and the baby. Step up and own your ****.

[hurtnomorerika]

I agree with this. I know you are in a tough spot rika, but you have to own your actions. You knew he was married yet you failed to protect yourself and became pregnant, he made it clear he didn't want a child, you decided for him. Unless you were fully protected and BC failed, I am at a loss as to what you expected? Did you expect him to leave his wife for you because you were pregnant? You knew what he was, what he was about...why the heck would you even want to waste any more time on him?

 

And still you protect his secret. Sheesh.

 

You had no problem sneaking around to **** him. You are not a victim. The wife remains in the dark. That's who I feel bad for, actually, the two people I feel bad for is the BS and the baby. Step up and own your ****.

 

I have OWNED it. I admitted to everything you said I already. Thanks for your response.

[hurtnomorerika]

The only people Im protecting is myself and my daughters. He's shown me he's capable of anything, therefore Im not going to OUT him. I dont know what he will do to me or my kids. I'll let the childsupport people deal with OUTING him.

 

Not to be offensive, it goes back to the OW being blamed for everything. It doesnt matter what he did, you allowed him to do it. Its all your fault. Oh well. I'll forever be blamed, Im used to it. Keep blaming.

[2sunny]

The only people Im protecting is myself and my daughters. He's shown me he's capable of anything, therefore Im not going to OUT him. I dont know what he will do to me or my kids. I'll let the childsupport people deal with OUTING him.

 

Not to be offensive, it goes back to the OW being blamed for everything. It doesnt matter what he did, you allowed him to do it. Its all your fault. Oh well. I'll forever be blamed, Im used to it. Keep blaming.

 

Second paragraph - what the heck is that about?

 

Using all those different terms in one paragraph is down right confusing!

 

He - you - your- I'm - I'll ... Who are you referring to and what exactly are you trying to say?

[ComingInHot]

Originally Posted by MissBee View Post

"Only a clinician can say."

 

How A**HOLE? do we need a Clinician to say he is that?!

[krazikat]

The only people Im protecting is myself and my daughters. He's shown me he's capable of anything, therefore Im not going to OUT him. I dont know what he will do to me or my kids. I'll let the childsupport people deal with OUTING him.

 

Not to be offensive, it goes back to the OW being blamed for everything. It doesnt matter what he did, you allowed him to do it. Its all your fault. Oh well. I'll forever be blamed, Im used to it. Keep blaming.

 

Not at all...he is an absolute **** head....I don't think anyone argues that. He is 100%responsible for his behavior and the choices he made....absolutely he gets blame.

 

Us women, we have more of the risk associated with sex. Men don't have to worry about getting pregnant. And too many of them just don't care, and end up with babies they didn't want. They don't have to make that tough decision about keeping a baby. That is why I, as a woman, always encourage other women to protect themselves. This isn't just about you being an ow...it is about you knowing what kind of asshat he was and still did not protect yourself. You have said what you did, but in the next breathe blame him...that is not owning your part.

 

Just because you file for child support doesn't mean you'll get it. Sure, you will get an order for it, but he may dodge it. These snakes have their ways, and from your description he doesn't sound like a high wage Earner. So if you fear for your safety is it worth a couple hundred bucks a month that you might not get?

 

So is he dangerous, as in, as he harmed or threatened to harm you?

[hurtnomorerika]

Not at all...he is an absolute **** head....I don't think anyone argues that. He is 100%responsible for his behavior and the choices he made....absolutely he gets blame.

 

Us women, we have more of the risk associated with sex. Men don't have to worry about getting pregnant. And too many of them just don't care, and end up with babies they didn't want. They don't have to make that tough decision about keeping a baby. That is why I, as a woman, always encourage other women to protect themselves. This isn't just about you being an ow...it is about you knowing what kind of asshat he was and still did not protect yourself. You have said what you did, but in the next breathe blame him...that is not owning your part.

 

Just because you file for child support doesn't mean you'll get it. Sure, you will get an order for it, but he may dodge it. These snakes have their ways, and from your description he doesn't sound like a high wage Earner. So if you fear for your safety is it worth a couple hundred bucks a month that you might not get?

 

So is he dangerous, as in, as he harmed or threatened to harm you?

 

 

I do take blame in this, I take more blame than him because I should have known better. I got caught up, I wasnt thinking rationally, I wanted to be loved and I wanted to feel wanted. My Ex treated me so badly, AT THAT TIME my ex and MM were so different like day and night. He had shown me something different than what I was used to. I think I explained that I saw what he was doing I knew it wrong and I continued to go along with. I was in the wrong for that, I should have left it alone. I didnt, so now Im getting my payback. I dont know what else to say to prove that I OWNED my part in it.

 

Believe it or not he does make pretty good money. I've already been told that his CS payments will be garnished from his checks. So I will get it, UNLESS, he quits his job.

 

No he's never even raised his voice at me. Nowadays you cant put nothing past anyone. Especially in a situation like this.

Edited November 13, 2013 by hurtnomorerika
forgot to add something.

[krazikat]

I do take blame in this, I take more blame than him because I should have known better. I got caught up, I wasnt thinking rationally, I wanted to be loved and I wanted to feel wanted. My Ex treated me so badly, AT THAT TIME my ex and MM were so different like day and night. He had shown me something different than what I was used to. I think I explained that I saw what he was doing I knew it wrong and I continued to go along with. I was in the wrong for that, I should have left it alone. I didnt, so now Im getting my payback. I dont know what else to say to prove that I OWNED my part in it.

 

Believe it or not he does make pretty good money. I've already been told that his CS payments will be garnished from his checks. So I will get it, UNLESS, he quits his job.

 

No he's never even raised his voice at me. Nowadays you cant put nothing past anyone. Especially in a situation like this.

 

See my post on your other thread for.details...but just because it is garnished doesn't mean you will get it if he quits his job, if he works under the table, etc. so there is no guarantee you will get it...unfortunately I know this first hand...

 

And honestly, girl I just want to give you a big hug right now, so (((((hurtnomorerika)))))

 

Your story does make me sad. And it pisses me off. These fools run around here lying to everyone and causing devastation. He sounds like a predator, I had one of those, too.

[hurtnomorerika]

See my post on your other thread for.details...but just because it is garnished doesn't mean you will get it if he quits his job, if he works under the table, etc. so there is no guarantee you will get it...unfortunately I know this first hand...

 

And honestly, girl I just want to give you a big hug right now, so (((((hurtnomorerika)))))

 

Your story does make me sad. And it pisses me off. These fools run around here lying to everyone and causing devastation. He sounds like a predator, I had one of those, too.

 

Im in tears right now. Thanks, I need a hug. I feel so stupid for continuing to let myself get deeper and deeper into the situation. He was like a high for me and now that Im down and I can see the mess I've made. Its like WTF was I thinking?!!!. I think he is a predator and a serial cheater, and it makes me sad to say this but, I dont think this is the end of him. He's going to do it to someone else. I just hope they're smarter than me and have better control over their emotions.

[2sunny]

Here's the qualifications:

 

 

Superficial charm and good intelligence

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking

Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations

Unreliability

Untruthfulness and insincerity

Lack of remorse and shame

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

General poverty in major affective reactions

Specific loss of insight

Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations

Fantastic and uninviting behavior with alcohol and sometimes without

Suicide threats rarely carried out

Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated

Failure to follow any life plan

 

 

You know him better than we do - you determine if any of these apply based on your evidence.

[krazikat]

Im in tears right now. Thanks, I need a hug. I feel so stupid for continuing to let myself get deeper and deeper into the situation. He was like a high for me and now that Im down and I can see the mess I've made. Its like WTF was I thinking?!!!. I think he is a predator and a serial cheater, and it makes me sad to say this but, I dont think this is the end of him. He's going to do it to someone else. I just hope they're smarter than me and have better control over their emotions.

 

Its okay to cry...get it all out.

 

I was a teen and in your situation...minus being ow but alone with a new baby. He was a serial cheater. He was handsome, charming...I was in love. I was with him for 2 years prior...and when be found out I was pregnant he said he was going to marry me. He write me love letters. Then I found out about several women (girls) he cheated on me with...and one of them was also pregnant by him. Then I found out he already had a handful of kids, all by different women (girls!).

 

I left and never looked back. My love turned to hate...and I think I needed that anger to survive.

 

I was a high school drop out teen mom...but you would never know it. I am successful, independent, confident...

 

I am not bragging, rika. I am saying this because if I could step up as a kid, take control of my life, and do the damn thing...you can do it, too. Take time to grieve your situation, then put that **** away! Put it behind you! Take control. You will be fine..better than you would ever be with a donkey like him weighing you down.

[experiencethedevine]

Its okay to cry...get it all out.

 

I was a teen and in your situation...minus being ow but alone with a new baby. He was a serial cheater. He was handsome, charming...I was in love. I was with him for 2 years prior...and when be found out I was pregnant he said he was going to marry me. He write me love letters. Then I found out about several women (girls) he cheated on me with...and one of them was also pregnant by him. Then I found out he already had a handful of kids, all by different women (girls!).

 

I left and never looked back. My love turned to hate...and I think I needed that anger to survive.

 

I was a high school drop out teen mom...but you would never know it. I am successful, independent, confident...

 

I am not bragging, rika. I am saying this because if I could step up as a kid, take control of my life, and do the damn thing...you can do it, too. Take time to grieve your situation, then put that **** away! Put it behind you! Take control. You will be fine..better than you would ever be with a donkey like him weighing you down.

 

Wise words for you Rika. You WILL indeed, be better than you've ever been when you have lived through this experience and learned from it.

 

It will take time, and it WILL be difficult, but it is as krazikat says, a learning curve, with the opportunity to develop a whole new experience for yourself with determination and drive, so that you can look back in a couple of years and smile when you put on your very own earned chufty badge and face the world as a different woman.

 

One who will never allow a man to take advantage of your good nature in such a vile way again.

 

Sending all good thoughts for a better future for you.

[Survivor12]

Ask yourself this question: If he had asked you to participate in a plan to physically harm or murder someone, would you have gone along? If your answer is no, it's likely because you think that it is wrong and is not within your moral boundaries and unless he were holding a gun to your head, you would exercise your right to choose, right?

 

But you did go along with having sex with your daughters in the next room and continued to engage in sex with him after finding out that he was married. Yes, he may have encouraged you, but ultimately, you had the freedom to choose whether or not to participate.

 

I'm not beating up on you. I'm trying to help you understand that you have the freedom and ability to set your own boundaries based on what you feel to be right and wrong, With that in mind, rather than focusing on blaming him (yes, he's a creep), it would be more helpful to focus on setting boundaries for yourself to preserve your moral code and keep you from acting in ways you will later regret (like getting involved with creeps).

 

I do believe that you could benefit from fully accepting the mistakes you have made, acknowledging that in reality, he didnt make your decisions for you. Once you are completely honest with yourself, you will be less likely to repeat the same mistakes in the future. Feeling good about yourself is the root of happiness.

 

The power is yours.

[Mcle]

He does sound like a predator. Especially since you were vulnerable from the end of an abusive realtionship. Psychopaths or sociopaths can sense weakness and vulnerability like its blood in the water.

 

I don't think you are trying to get off the hook for your behavior. I think you want and need to understand what happened. Especially if you are having his child. You will now be in an even more vulnerable situation.

 

I would read up online about psychopaths. Whether he is one or not you need to strengthen yourself against manipulation by bad people. It is so sad how abuse victims are targeted by even more abusers. Good luck to you and stay away from him.

[will-ow]

Do I think he's been an ass and treated you badly?

Yes, absolutely.

But do I think that makes him a sociopath? No, absolutely not. I think it just makes him a fairly average cheating MM who had his cake and ate it for a while.

 

And I'm really sorry, and I promise I'm not being judgemental because I'm an OW too, but as a practising psychologist and abuse survivor I am concerned at the way you tell your story as if you've been a passive victim of his 'sociopathic' and predatory behaviours.... but

 

you chose to get back with him after discovering he was married and breaking it off

you chose to sleep with him while your children were in the next room

you chose to spend time and have sex with him on his BS's birthday

you chose to have sex with him in places you now seem to think are evidence of no conscience/sociopathic tendencies

you are (at least equally) responsible for birth control

 

I'm really sorry for the situation you now find yourself in and the hurt you're feeling, but unless this relationship was in someway coercive or abusive, which you haven't suggested, I think you need to take responsibility for the choices you made and stop trying to put all of the blame on the MM. Sorry.

Edited November 18, 2013 by will-ow

[hurtnomorerika]

He does sound like a predator. Especially since you were vulnerable from the end of an abusive realtionship. Psychopaths or sociopaths can sense weakness and vulnerability like its blood in the water.

 

I don't think you are trying to get off the hook for your behavior. I think you want and need to understand what happened. Especially if you are having his child. You will now be in an even more vulnerable situation.

 

I would read up online about psychopaths. Whether he is one or not you need to strengthen yourself against manipulation by bad people. It is so sad how abuse victims are targeted by even more abusers. Good luck to you and stay away from him.

 

Exactly. I've explained a million times that I do take blame for this more than him. Everything that WE did was wrong, Im not sugar coating my behalf. Thats all. I think people should read all of my responses before they reply to post.

[hurtnomorerika]

At this point what else is there to say? Me and him, (both of us) made some f-up choices. Do I regret it now? yes, can I change whats happened? No. All I can do is do better in the future.