AceTravis Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 So I will try and explain our relationship and the situation without writing an essay so here goes. We had dated for 6 years -- 2 1/2 in the same city and the last 3 1/2 long distance. I graduated from college May 2012 and she had already been out of college for two years. She offered to move to Houston but I declined the offer and said "You already have a career established and have had two promotions. I will work my ass off and move up to you (Dallas-Fort Worth area) before the end of 2012." About two months after I graduated I was offered a job in Houston and I really needed the money so I took it. I told her it would just be temporary and I would continue to look for a job near her. Sadly I became complacent and neglected looking for a job near her. She would bring it up occasionally and I would tell her I was looking with no luck. A year and a half after I graduated, November 2013, and I was still in Houston. So that's half of it -- the lack of commitment. The other half is that we had been fighting quite a lot the last month. We had fought quite a bit earlier on in our relationship which lead to a break-up and she still has bad memories from that especially if she thinks I'm regressing to that insecure man again. She had just taken a promotion where she was going to travel out of state for 4 days a week Monday-Thursday for a consulting gig. I'm sure it was a stressful move for her but I never really acknowledged it. We'd visit on the weekends and it would be great but then during the week we would argue and it was me who always started it. She had been doing the consulting gig for about 4 weeks now. I have a lot of insecurities and I believe I was taking them out on her. Also I think I was miserable in the fact that I had done NOTHING to improve my situation and get closer to her. I think deep down I felt like I was losing her so I was lashing out with my insecurities. So two weekends ago she visited her friend in Colorado. This had been planned on her part for a while. I think she opened up with her friend and told her everything she was feeling and came to the realization she needed to break up with me. The next day she did it which was a complete shock to me. She says she still loves me and cares about me deeply but she feels as if the relationship is "broken", she is unhappy, and that she doesn't believe it can change right now. Here are a few texts she sent me the day of the breakup and the day after: In response to me asking her if we are done-- "I feel like we are. I love you so much and will always, but it seems like maybe we want different things. You say you're unsure of what you want to do with your life and I know words are what I want to hear but actions aren't. I never wanted to give an ultimatum bc I don't believe in those. If someone wants something bad enough in their heart they make it happen. Also, I'm not sure it's fair and making you happy what I want to do career wise. You would always be before career, but I shifted focus bc after offering to move and 3 1/2 years it seemed to be the most stable place for me to find peace with myself." Another one: "I'm not giving up on our love.. I know it's real. It's just really hard right now for me and I feel it is for you too. That's why all the fighting. I'm at a point where I don't know if it will change, it's hard for me to believe it." Last text she sent me after I acknowledged a lot of the faults I had that might have caused this: "I'm glad you see that and acknowledge it. I really want to believe it but don't know if I can right now. Just give me some time to think about what was just said. I'll call you at the airport" I thought we were going to talk that night and maybe reconcile but she was still adamant about breaking up and giving her space to forget some of the past and find herself again. It's been NC on our part for 10 days now. I screwed up two days ago and called/texted her about how i felt. She didn't respond. She has also deactivated her Facebook instead of actually removing me because everyone that we have mutual friends with can't see her either. So what are people's opinions on this. Does it sound like it's over for good? Some moments I think this space will make her realize how much she loves me. Other times I have a horrible feeling that she is moving on and realizes she is happier without me. I also don't know why she couldn't have just gave me a short response to my text two days ago if she still loved me and cared about me. Any suggestions would be really helpful
2fargone Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Give her some time and space. Don't assume anything. Just wait it out, see what comes.
Chi townD Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Sorry dude, but it's over. She's listened to friends telling her that she should dump you. Then she did. Now, those same friends are rallying around her and reinforcing to her that she did the right thing. You're not going to get in the way of that. Therefore, you have to heal and move on. Remember, she made the choice to have you out of her life. That was HER choice, not yours. So, you have to do a strong NC on her. Do not respond to any texts or emails. Let all calls go to voicemail. She stated that she's not giving up on your love....bullsh*t. Yeah okay, she's not giving up, but she'll fall off the face of the planet and not give you an opportunity to fix things.....so much for love!
Author AceTravis Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 I'm not so sure it's that simple. I really do believe she still loves me. She has been really stressed out lately and I've been making it even harder on her. She has been working 12-13 hours a day in a state away from home. When she gets back to her hotel she calls me and we usually end up getting in a fight because of my insecurities. I hope some time to cool off will make her start to see things more clearly and also allow for me to start improving myself as well.
Author AceTravis Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Does anybody else have some words of wisdom?
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I've got some for ya. Stay away, far away from this person. My ex said the same stuff, I was meant to move to her etc. Also you can never know for sure what she TRULY feels like because if she says she still loves you she means she cares enough about you to not hurt you. Come on if two people truly love each other nothing can stop them. You've gotta start now and grow yourself. Let her miss you if she REALLY loves you she will come back. Prepare for the worst. Say what you gotta say but don't ask, don'g beg don't push. Just keep it short and to the point and let her go. That's what she wants, what can you do?
Author AceTravis Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Thanks for the advice Mooo. The one text she sent me that says "I'm not giving up on our love. I know it's real. It's just really hard for me right now and I feel it is for you too. I'm at a point where I don't know if it will get better" really confuses me. I feel like if she didn't feel that way she would just be honest with me. I don't feel like she's the kind of person that would want to let me off easy if she really didn't care anymore.
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 English is an imprecise language because we only have one word for love. Because you were together for so long, she probably has deep emotional feelings for you & genuinely wants the best for you & doesn't want to see you hurting. That does not mean that she wants the romantic 'till death do us part, happily ever after. That part of her may have died some time during at least the last year when there was no effort to close the distance. It happens that way some times . . . a little piece of somebody's heart dies from neglect each day & by the time the other person realizes it -- usually after the BU -- it's just too far gone to be revived. If you are both still OK with talking, I'd send her periodic updates about your job search / relocation efforts. Make sure to get in touch with her when you do schedule an interview. See if those concrete changes re-ignite the spark. When you do find a new job, I would move into your own place, not directly jump to living together. You need to get used to having the other one around again.
melell Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I have heard this type of thing time and time again. In my opinion it is a case of one person being pushed over the line, and once they are there the chances of them coming back around are pretty much nil. I know after a long time together it is really hard to stomach the reality of it, but it will stink in, whether you keep talking and her reluctance hurts you over and over again, or if you go nc and forget it now. Eventually you will see what the situation is, there is no avoiding it.
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