I don't think i want to stay in this marriage any longer

November 13, 2013

I want to divorce my husband. Me and my husband have been married for only 2 years yet we have known each other for over 10 and dated for 7. Which i know many of you will say you dated that long and why didn't i make up my mind before marriage. I love my husband i absolutely love my husband, i honestly don't see anybody else but him, honestly the thought of been with another man truly repulses me because i only have eyes for my husband thats how much i love him after all these years. I'm just truly in love with him however his family drives me crazy and they are always in the way calling every day every hour even if he is at work they call and they constantly want to come to our house he is pretty much their puppet. We get into really really bad fights because of his parents ALL the time. His mother is extremely clingy his sister is too they instilled in him that he has to take care of his sister like its their daughter because my inlaws had his sister when they were older so they let her do whatever they want and expect my husband to be the strict one with her and its just bull**** to the point that i don't even want to have kids because the thought of my MIL's overbearingness just kills the mood. She is very controlling and she will want to control everything if i have kids and just the thought makes me not want to have kids honestly.

Its so bad, that me and my husband can't get intimate because the phone won't stop ringing seriously from his mother calling and its just a f*** turn off. I am so tired of the family meddling that i honestly can't stand it anymore all i want is to just leave. He won't attend counseling he is just hard headed like that so this is not an option. Our fights are growing worse every day, his mother is asking for money more often (even if she doesn't need it because my husband does what she says) I just feel like I'm not even in a marriage i feel like i am married to his parents and not him or something. His mother tells him that she comes first always and forever because marriages are temporary and what not, and i just don't want to do this anymore i honestly do not want to do this, they stay in our house and am a neat freak and they leave a mess all the time, i have to clean up after them, they don't wash the dishes after they are done, they leave my bathroom a mess, overall the house and i feel like a freaking personal maid because i hate seen my home a mess, I'm just so fed up, i want to honestly get a divorce i am frustrated of this crap, i have only been married 2 years and since day one his sister was tagging along EVERYWHERE with us i couldn't even hold my husband's hand because she clinged on to his arm all the time am use so f** tired. (she is 17 btw). We didn't have a honeymoon so we decided to spend time together going out on dates and stuff and his sister ALWAYS tagged along, i had no time alone, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night!

i really want to get a divorce, my husband does not draw the line, my husband does not stop his parents he just gets mad at me and last time we got in a fight it was really really really bad there is just no middle ground I just want to get a divorce, i want to tell my husband i want a divorce and for him to marry his dam family and leave me alone.

Edited November 13, 2013 by bluedays

November 13, 2013

You seem really upset. Have you conveyed this to your husband that it is bad enough that you feel you may not be able to remain in the marriage? I'm sure you've talked about it but does he understand how serious you are about it?

His mum is divorced I'm assuming? Who says marriage is temporary? The whole idea of it is that it's permanent. Has she replaced her husband with her son?

November 13, 2013

You seem really upset. Have you conveyed this to your husband that it is bad enough that you feel you may not be able to remain in the marriage? I'm sure you've talked about it but does he understand how serious you are about it?

His mum is divorced I'm assuming? Who says marriage is temporary? The whole idea of it is that it's permanent. Has she replaced her husband with her son?

crederer:

His parents aren't divorced is just that my FIL does whatever she says. She believes our marriage does not come first to her, that she comes first and so does his sister (she really pushes his sister onto him all the time! and she is really clingy) and no is not a culture or religious thing is just she won't let go of the fact that we are married. Am tired of his family already truly truly tired and i can't take another 20 years of this crap, i feel like she is the lady from that tv show raymond i think is called ugh….

I have expressed to my husband many times and he says thats his family and i pretty much have no say in it. Our fights are so bad and we don't even have sex ever its like it doesn't exist in our marriage am so fed up i just want to run far far away

November 13, 2013

Well, I think you have to put divorce on the table at this point. It seems that he truly does not care about the level of distress his family is putting on you and you're below his family in his priority list. I am just amazed that you managed to put up with this for all those years before you guys got married.

November 13, 2013

i think divorce is in order

November 13, 2013

I agree...you are dealing with way to much stress because of this. You have to do what is best for you at this point and if that means you need to as the other poster said put divorce on the table then that is what you need to do. I am sorry for you because its obvious you love him.

November 13, 2013

Considering the amount of times you typed "I want a divorce" - just do it.

November 13, 2013

i guess am hoping for him to come around because i am very much in love with him and our relationship and i wonder if there is a possibility that i can make him sort of just stand his ground when it comes to his family and our marriage? Is there a way to make him realize that his family is ruining our marriage i just don't know what else to do i feel hopeless.

November 13, 2013

Then it's time that you step up to the plate and drop the hammer on him. Let him know that your tired of being the second billing and as his wife, you should come first. Let him know that your filing for divorce and he can do as he pleases but without you. It just might wake his ass up and he'll see what he's losing. If he come around and makes changes you can always cancel the divorce but as of what your saying, his tree needs a good shaking.

It's one thing to help family but what he doesn't understand is that they are abusing and taking advantage of him. He's old enough to know that his wife comes first. If he doesn't know that, he will soon enough. In a situation like this, I don't blame you one bit. Nothing worse being low man on the totem pole.

November 13, 2013

i guess am hoping for him to come around because i am very much in love with him and our relationship and i wonder if there is a possibility that i can make him sort of just stand his ground when it comes to his family and our marriage? Is there a way to make him realize that his family is ruining our marriage i just don't know what else to do i feel hopeless.

Unfortunately, it looks like he has no incentive to change as long as you keep putting up with it. The arguing doesn't do anything and he won't go to counseling. Your only hope is to seriously consider ending the relationship.

November 13, 2013

If you have seriously tried to convey your message and what you say doesn't matter or get through, you have some serious thinking to do because it may not improve through the years.

My H is from a close, tight, Italian family; they do not even need other people to have a party, they are a large family and close. I've never been his priority, they are. His mother has even admonished me when we are having troubles, blaming me, when in fact, it's his fault, and his mom should tell him to be a man and take care of his family.

I won't t/j and go into things, but run if you can't resolve this issue. I'm to the point I don't care anymore, and I am just "existing" after 16 years of M. You are early in your M, don't waste your life like I did if he doesn't care enough to make you and he a priority.

November 14, 2013

Hi everyone, so i brought up divorce to him today and told him i can't deal with his mother meddling 24/7 and he turned things around on me said i don't like his family and we just got in to a huge fight, i just couldn't take it anymore, he even told me that i hate his mother and blah blah, and i told him i just think she is extremely intrusive and annoying and that they lived their life and we can't even live ours and i told him that he should have married his mother and not me and everything just blew up the tension was just so intense everything went out the window. I even yelled out of anger and frustration and told him his sister is not his damn daughter thats not his responsibility and he still said i wouldn't understand that relationship He kept saying thats his family and what not, and after everything sorta cooled off he pretty much told me i feel like your tired of everything and i fear you leaving me, he says he doesn't want me to leave or cheat on him and blah blah and i told him i would never cheat but i will leave and he kept saying but thats my family. i just don't know what else to do he just doesn't freaking get it i understand its his family and i would never ask him to choose or stop communicating but just to draw the damn line am devastated and desperate!

November 14, 2013

Then it's time that you step up to the plate and drop the hammer on him. Let him know that your tired of being the second billing and as his wife, you should come first. Let him know that your filing for divorce and he can do as he pleases but without you. It just might wake his ass up and he'll see what he's losing. If he come around and makes changes you can always cancel the divorce but as of what your saying, his tree needs a good shaking.

It's one thing to help family but what he doesn't understand is that they are abusing and taking advantage of him. He's old enough to know that his wife comes first. If he doesn't know that, he will soon enough. In a situation like this, I don't blame you one bit. Nothing worse being low man on the totem pole.

they are abusing him to the EXTEME and i told him and he doesn't believe me because he says they would never do such a thing that they would never abuse of his trust and the day they do that will be the last time they will be helped by him that if his family needs help he will offer it until then.

November 14, 2013

The two of you will need to come to sort of a compromise where you put up with some annoyances while he puts down his foot with his family on a lot of other things. You're past the point where you can work this out on your own. You should really be seeing a professional therapist who can help you fix the relationship. I would let your husband know that if he doesn't want to lose you, he needs to go to counseling with you. He may not want it, but hopefully, he wants to keep you more. It doesn't have to be an immediate ultimatum. But you do have to be firm in letting him know that if he can't even do that, it's looking likely that your marriage might not be able to survive for very long. Hopefully he will understand how serious of an issue this has become for you. Good luck!

November 14, 2013

He's not going to be able to see the truth or be able to address the issues because he was raised to believe that's the way it should be.

Tell him that he will have to agree to marriage counseling if he doesn't want you to leave. Otherwise, you have two choices, accept everything as it is or divorce. You can't change him if he doesn't want to change.

November 14, 2013

The two of you will need to come to sort of a compromise where you put up with some annoyances while he puts down his foot with his family on a lot of other things. You're past the point where you can work this out on your own. You should really be seeing a professional therapist who can help you fix the relationship. I would let your husband know that if he doesn't want to lose you, he needs to go to counseling with you. He may not want it, but hopefully, he wants to keep you more. It doesn't have to be an immediate ultimatum. But you do have to be firm in letting him know that if he can't even do that, it's looking likely that your marriage might not be able to survive for very long. Hopefully he will understand how serious of an issue this has become for you. Good luck!

^^^^ Completely agree

November 14, 2013

Counseling is clearly needed. You're telling him you want a divorce because you don't like this situation and he's basically blaming it on you because you don't like his family- that's not going to get you anywhere.

What about having a conversation with him about what YOU want the boundaries to be? Maybe it's too vague for you to just tell him they are too intrusive... what if you straight up said to him, "I don't want them coming to this house more than X times per week." Or "I don't want you to be taking care of your sister more than X times per week"? I don't think that's unreasonable and then you can see if he is willing to work at ALL with you.

MY MIL is clingy too and thinks/expects her son to do things that I find to be ridiculous. Calling multiple times per day and wanting him to come over and do things alllll the time. But once I told him it was making me uncomfortable and can there be some boundaries, he agreed and had that conversation with his mother- situation has improved.

I don't know what the deal is with the mom trying to claim that her relationship with her son is more important than your relationship with your husband, but NOT true and it is HIS job to stand up to her regarding your relationship.

November 14, 2013

when i tell him that his family shouldn't come so often he gets pissed off at me about it. His sister sleeps over almost every freaking day, and when i mean we don't have sex i mean we literally don't i can count with one hand the amount of times we do and 5 been too many! He just simply doesn't see anything wrong, his sister does whatever she wants she literally stays at the house every single day and i fear the day high school is over and college begins she won't ever leave and she is not our child not our responsibility. There is no point in enforcing boundaries when he doesn't "see anything wrong" am so heartbroken because i really love him a lot he is a great great man and a great husband but our fights are growing worse and its just about his family more and more, i mentioned therapy to him and he said no thats not for us ugh…

Lemonitaz:

his mother feels that his family will always be priority and first not me in other words unless we have children. she is just very clingy.

i honestly feel like attacking his family and saying NO enough! but i know that will be another issue.

November 14, 2013

i guess am hoping for him to come around because i am very much in love with him and our relationship and i wonder if there is a possibility that i can make him sort of just stand his ground when it comes to his family and our marriage? Is there a way to make him realize that his family is ruining our marriage i just don't know what else to do i feel hopeless.

You can't make him change.

Get divorced since the only change you can make is your own choices/actions.

November 14, 2013

He kept saying thats his family and what not, and after everything sorta cooled off he pretty much told me i feel like your tired of everything and i fear you leaving me, he says he doesn't want me to leave or cheat on him and blah blah and i told him i would never cheat but i will leave and he kept saying but thats my family. i QUOTE]

Your reply should be, "yes it's your family and THEIR ALWAYS HERE INSTEAD OF BEING AT THEIR OWN HOME!"

IMO you got his attention when you laid your cards on the table. Keep them there so he can see them every day. Tell him that new boundaries have to be drawn up and ENFORCED in order for the marriage to survive. The rules should be, little sister has a home and your home isn't it. She need to sleep in her own bed in her own house. Your MIL is his mother but your his wife. You can and will be first at all times. He can have his relationship with his family, let him know that your not denying him that but his family's interference has crossed the line and you as his wife have a say so as to what goes on in your marital home and they don't.

Give him a chance to make his adjustments. Stay out of it. He's a grown man and he need to start acting like it and a husband. He has to be the one to make the rules to his family AND he has to be the one to defend his wife when the $h!t hits the fan if he has the backbone to tell them the new rules. Let him know that you have no intentions of being the bad guy and the rat in the wood pile just because you want a normal household.

If needed, I would hold his feet to the fire because I got a feeling that in the heat of an argument he might feel that the topic of divorce was just you talking out of your hat. Let him know your a serious as a heart attack.

Edited November 14, 2013 by bubbaganoosh

November 14, 2013

when i tell him that his family shouldn't come so often he gets pissed off at me about it. His sister sleeps over almost every freaking day, and when i mean we don't have sex i mean we literally don't i can count with one hand the amount of times we do and 5 been too many! He just simply doesn't see anything wrong, his sister does whatever she wants she literally stays at the house every single day and i fear the day high school is over and college begins she won't ever leave and she is not our child not our responsibility. There is no point in enforcing boundaries when he doesn't "see anything wrong" am so heartbroken because i really love him a lot he is a great great man and a great husband but our fights are growing worse and its just about his family more and more, i mentioned therapy to him and he said no thats not for us ugh…

Lemonitaz:

his mother feels that his family will always be priority and first not me in other words unless we have children. she is just very clingy.

i honestly feel like attacking his family and saying NO enough! but i know that will be another issue.

Ask him what he IS willing to do. It just sounds like he's not willing to do ANYTHING to make the situation better. No therapy, no behavioral change, nothing. I mean, if he's really that stubborn, you would have to either accept this kind of living situation or divorce him. I don't see another option at this point.

November 14, 2013

What does this guy think he's the only one that is close to his family or something?

A lot of people are close to their family but don't let it get to this point.

Guy sounds kind of wimpy and doesn't want to stand up to his mother. My mom has tried similar things before (not to this extent) but sometimes you have to put your foot down and say no. The sky will not fall, I assure you that.

November 14, 2013

Stories like these make me rage.

My aunt ruined her son's marriage because of behaviour like this. She hated his wife and kept abusing her, invading their home, their space and their marriage until the wife couldn't take it anymore and left. My cousin had tolerated my aunt's controlling behaviour his whole life and didn't know how to go against her. I think your husband is the same. He probably tolerates his mom's unacceptable behaviour because he's still stuck in the mindset "She's my mom, I have to do what she says, I have to make her happy". He's probably only known just that mindset his whole life.

As other people have said, councelling. If that doesn't work, move out and into another city/state/country. I know it will be difficult but people like your inlaws will not understand how to respect your marriage no matter how many times you tell them. Just like my aunt. No matter how many times other family members told her to mind her own business, she didn't listen. This is my cousin's second marriage she has ruined. It would be good to put distance between yourself and those annoying family members.

Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out.

November 14, 2013

thank you everyone, i have decided to file for divorce, i am very upset and sad about all this and as much as i love and care about my husband i can't stand it any second, he won't enforce our need for privacy, because in his eyes (thats my family) which i get but i married him, have sex with him, want to have children with him, not his family. His sister is in the house 24/7 making a huge mess which i have to clean after for specially when i come home from work exhausted, she wastes a lot of our money because my husband gives her whatever she wants, she just got a new iPad and broke it and the next day my husband bought her a new 500$ iPad am just done at this point, and am just fed up,

I realized that bringing children in to this marriage will be a disaster because my mother in law would never leave us alone for good, and then my husband's sister is in the way of our new family and i can't take it anymore, so am walking out of this marriage, i have been trying for so long and am truly devastated because i adore my husband and he is very good to me but when it comes to his family there is no boundaries. I am seeking a lawyer and will put the papers on the table for him to sign as soon as possible. i am sad because i feel like i am quitting but this situation is out of control and he won't do anything about it and even if he tried to his mother doesn't abide and eventually he just keeps going along with his family.

Thank you all for the advice wish me luck through all this, i haven't slept or eaten healthy in days.

Edited November 14, 2013 by bluedays

November 14, 2013

Stories like these make me rage.

My aunt ruined her son's marriage because of behaviour like this. She hated his wife and kept abusing her, invading their home, their space and their marriage until the wife couldn't take it anymore and left. My cousin had tolerated my aunt's controlling behaviour his whole life and didn't know how to go against her. I think your husband is the same. He probably tolerates his mom's unacceptable behaviour because he's still stuck in the mindset "She's my mom, I have to do what she says, I have to make her happy". He's probably only known just that mindset his whole life.

As other people have said, councelling. If that doesn't work, move out and into another city/state/country. I know it will be difficult but people like your inlaws will not understand how to respect your marriage no matter how many times you tell them. Just like my aunt. No matter how many times other family members told her to mind her own business, she didn't listen. This is my cousin's second marriage she has ruined. It would be good to put distance between yourself and those annoying family members.

Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out.

That is terrible i feel terrible for your cousin, did he ever realize at least his mother was too controlling? i hope my husband eventually does, i just feel really sad in my marriage and its affecting us both to the point that it feels like we are an old couple that has been married for 20+ years instead of 2 years. I just can't take another 20 years of this i just can't it pains me because i still am in love with my husband and i know he adores me but there really is nothing else i can do and am so angry that i feel like telling him thank your family for this, but i know his family would say its my fault screw me and say all these things to put the blame on me and my husband will believe them.

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I don't think i want to stay in this marriage any longer

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