sun1972 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Hi all Ive been reading through these forums a lot since i split with my long term partner 3 days ago. I was the one who said the words, but we have spoken since and it is mutual, we didnt grow apart, it was circumstances we couldnt see a way of getting around. We both agreed that most of our time was good together, that we love each other but that the same issues stopping us having a future still exist. I have removed her from fb for now, but when she asked why i just explained it was just until i can look without it hurting. During the whole split, not a single angry word has been said in fact We also agreed that we need a period of not talking but want to be in each others lives eventually as friends...but everyone seems to say thats a bad idea So... in this case, obviously we both need time to move on, and keeping contact right now is a mistake. But i shared lots with this person, we were faithful, we were best friends as well as partners Once we dont hurt, why would we NOT want that friendship again?? Also my previous ex (admittedly only of 1 year) ... we didnt speak for maybee 3 months then she emailed me a joke and we nattered.. she just got married and it didnt hurt at all??. And i value her friendship. So, is it really ALWAYS a bad idea? or with a mutual, amicable breakup is it a different story?
strive Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Yes, it really depends on the BU. You're lucky that your BU was amicable, bust most of the time they're messy and one person is hurt more than the other. Which is why most exes can't be friends with each other, at least while one of them is still hurting.
HorseLuck Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 With a mutual, amicable break-up it can be a different story. Mutual break ups aren't split 50/50 so one person is going to have a harder time recovering. It's worth a shot imo, just don't be surprised if it doesn't work out. 1
Author sun1972 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Hey both In our case it was simply distance that killed us, we were too far to both commute (we did look at it, even viewed property, but the travel cost was 1/3 of our salary and we couldnt afford anywhere, and we both had reasons we couldn't give up our jobs of 20+ years ..in her case she did it once before, split within 2 months and only just got her job back. Totally understandable. We have argued a fair bit while apart, but i dont think we have had time together where we have had an angry word... So there is no danger of acrimonous stuff in the friendship zone. I guess problems occur when one person dates again and the other feels jealous? Or when one person dates again, and tells the other person that they can no longer talk. I guess what i dont understand is why people wouldnt value friendship just because of history Also i suppose ironically once you have dated someone.. you become an 'unnaceptable friend' to their next partner and it eventually has to end So that may be why people think it is not worth it? Im asking because i WILL start NC soon, we have spoken constantly since the split and i know thats not healthy, but while i do not harbour ANY hopes we will one day be together (distance will always be an issue) - i do harbour hopes we can one day be good friends
HorseLuck Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Hey both In our case it was simply distance that killed us, we were too far to both commute (we did look at it, even viewed property, but the travel cost was 1/3 of our salary and we couldnt afford anywhere, and we both had reasons we couldn't give up our jobs of 20+ years ..in her case she did it once before, split within 2 months and only just got her job back. Totally understandable. We have argued a fair bit while apart, but i dont think we have had time together where we have had an angry word... So there is no danger of acrimonous stuff in the friendship zone. I guess problems occur when one person dates again and the other feels jealous? Or when one person dates again, and tells the other person that they can no longer talk. I guess what i dont understand is why people wouldnt value friendship just because of history Also i suppose ironically once you have dated someone.. you become an 'unnaceptable friend' to their next partner and it eventually has to end So that may be why people think it is not worth it? Im asking because i WILL start NC soon, we have spoken constantly since the split and i know thats not healthy, but while i do not harbour ANY hopes we will one day be together (distance will always be an issue) - i do harbour hopes we can one day be good friends Friendship is dependent on the history you once had with said person. I'd like to be friends with my ex, if I can get over my feelings. Yet I think we would never be able to nurture a close relationship like what we once had..we were friends before dating. It'd be more like acquaintances now. It doesn't mean I wouldn't value a friendship, just that it seems close to impossible to restore and repair what was once there. Regarding your situation, it sounds like it wouldn't work if- one party or the other harbors feelings (they may or may not be aware of until somebody "new" steps into the picture), or if it creates issues with their new mate. The circumstances surrounding this relationship don't seem detrimental. The odds may be in your favor.
ponchsox Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 People who want to be friends are holding out hope for a reconciliation.
ponchsox Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Dumper wants to be friends = makes them feel less guilty Dumpee wants to be friends = can't let go, wants to get back together Mutual breakup = FWB 2
stillafool Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 There is nothing wrong with being friends after you both have moved on and no longer have romantic feelings toward each other. I think people here said you cannot be friends right after a break up which some people around here want to do to maintain contact. That is very unhealthy and unrealistic. When your ex can talk to you about a new love and you don't feel a thing then you can be friends. 2
Philosoraptor Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Most people do not say "ever". A true friendship can not exist until both parties have lost all feelings greater than friendship. At that point if both people want to try a friendship, it can be a positive thing. 2
Arty54 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 It always depends on the circumstances of the split and maybe what you had before. I knew my ex for 30yrs before we got together helping each other through our respective divorces and relationships. She dumped me and I'm suffering like so many dumpees but we both wish that one day we will reconnect as friends as we were best friends, whether we could capture that again who knows. The pain has to go first probably for both of us. We always joked before we got together about being FWB but that is a potential disaster zone IMO if you still have feelings for each other.
mammasita Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I dont ever say never - depending on the circumstances of the breakup....however I do think that when each person enters a new relationship the dynamics of that friendship can change and might possibly end.
blotter Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Here's a simple test to see if you are ready to be friends with her. Does the thought of her banging someone else bother you? Does the picture of her riding someone else's cock bother you? If it is a no to both of those then you are ready to be friends. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 In the begining you can't be friends because it hurts too much. As the acute pain of the break up wears off, you may want to try being friends but both of you have changed. The easy going camraderie of the begining of your romance is gone & your both a little wary because you hurt each other in the break up. Even if you can get past that, as soon as one of you starts dating again, there will all sorts of jealousy issues & the new SO may be highly against your continued friendship
Author sun1972 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Here's a simple test to see if you are ready to be friends with her. Does the thought of her banging someone else bother you? Does the picture of her riding someone else's cock bother you? If it is a no to both of those then you are ready to be friends. Right now- just reading that text has made me feel ill, so obviously no friends right now, and your right.
cavalier99 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Its easy being friendly with an ex once you have no more emotional romantic attachment. But post BU it is imposible without a long long period of NC for the dumpee. Cav
2fargone Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Ye, about that being friends after there are no more romantic feelings.... I contacted my ex from 5 years ago, after indeed an amicable breakup (she was still hung up on her ex, I totally understood thanks to very very good communication from both sides). I decided NC back then so we didn't speak for 5 years. I contacted her because my current ex made me doubt about myself, things I would do, the kind of person she said I am. I really needed a reality check from someone else. I'm sure there were no feelings left. But guess what happens... Hers came back. This might be an off-occassion though... YMMV. She is the most 'normal' girl I ever had (emotionally stable, very much in touch with her feelings and able to put them into words etc etc).
radiodarcy Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I wouldn't say you can never *ever* be friends with an ex. But it's not always a good idea immediately after the break up. I learned that the hard way when I tried to be friend with a previous ex. We had been friends prior to getting involved and he wanted to continue the friendship after ending the relationship. Perhaps because he started and ended things on his terms it was easier for him. But not for me, because I was still in love with him and saw being friends as a "foot in the door". I soon learned that it wouldn't be once he started bragging to me about all the girls he was meeting through online dating After about a week of torturing myself and sticking around to listen to the details, I finally went NC. That was three years ago and I'm pretty much over him now. I ran into him at the grocery store back in April. We talked/caught up but I had no desire to renew the friendship, although I suppose I could have. But for me it was pretty much done. Once we went past being friends, there really was no turning back after that.
reddragon588 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Simply because no angry words were spoken does not necessarily mean much. My split has had no angry words spoken but I couldn't be more decestated by it (I was dumped it was not mutual). It sounds like you need time to assess what happened and heal your emotions and feelings before you can be friends.
melell Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I feel like the concept of 'friendship' after a relationship refers a lot to the closeness etc that was once shared. Being friends so not to lose that. - Now that kind of 'best friend' situation I am pretty confident in saying wont ever happen. Or if it does it is extremely rare. Usually peoples partners fill the best friend role, so when that does happen, being close just isn't feasible. Friendship after a long relationship for me is the odd text every couple of months. Void of romantic feelings. Being friends where you hang out all the time and talk all the time like before is just not something that happens... especially when you start seeing different people.
Omei Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Most people say you cannot be friends with ex's I agree for the following two reasons... 1. You loved them so much how it ended those feelings will always be apart of you in some small fraction and its just too painful to have them in your life with them gone you get better with them staying gone your healing will never be broken all the what ifs and maybes will never be asked. 2. The breakup was because it was bad or you honestly no longer care for this person enough to have any type of relationship because knowing them just created too much stress within your life you dont like who they are or have become.
Sugarkane Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 People say this this when they've had a bad breakup especially. I'd be embarrassed if someone could tell people that I dumped someone cruelly and acted like a complete Ahole. Yet I've had this done to me and Aholes don't seem to care, you can tell people about their psycho Behaviour.
Fufu Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I think it really depends on the nature of the breakup. I've known of couples that after a relationship break up, they remain friends because both have accepted they are better of as friends and they are not meant for one another. I think at the end of the day, it's all up to the individual. If you can't accept what your ex did and no way you want to be a friend with them, then don't be. Never be friend with your ex as long as you still have emotional feelings with them or hoping for reconciliation. Friendship will never work in this situation.
NoLeafClover Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I don't talk to any of my ex's..F** that. I got plenty of friends I don't need an ex to keep around as a friend as a constant reminder of my past.
Still Searching Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I don't talk to any of my ex's..F** that. I got plenty of friends I don't need an ex to keep around as a friend as a constant reminder of my past. Yep. I've ran into a few of my exes over the years, at which point you share the "Hi, how are you?" lines, but aside from that, day to day life, they might as well be dead, to me. That's not to sound cold, I just mean that what they do in their life, and I in mine, have nothing to do with each other anymore. Just like that over-played song: They're just "somebody that I used to know". I don't wish anything bad upon them, they're great people, just weren't great for me. I wouldn't trade my time with any of them, as I learned something from each one.
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