He wanted to keep in contact, gets angry when I am out??

[wispa2013]

Hey, so you remember last week I had to chuck my partner of a year out because, well it was toxic when it came to the arguements and name calling, and put downs and disrespect in the end. It was from both angles....it was a real love intense relationship which ended up resenting, he use to say to me that I had a chip on my shoulder about him being a doctor when it wasnt the case at all....weird statement, it was all about our arguements.

 

I miss him, and we had a curve moment when we were texting each other on Monday this week. I literally almost caved in....He has another 1.5 years left to study until he is a fully qualified GP, so he is constantly studying 24/7 and has to get this finished. Which he always stated when he was with me....which is fine, but I am a real out there person and love my life, my work, friends and social too, because I feel its about work and play if you can have that in your life and involve your partner too where possible.

 

I organised many things with him, skiing, spa weekend, weekends away, but he was always tired, jealousy if another man spoke to me if we were out, the questions one after the other and on it goes.....It was draining....

 

He is moving into a rented flat in London with a friend of his, who is married and its costing him an arm and a leg but he doesnt have a choice because his parents are moving as well as he has been with them for a while. He doesnt have his own place due to studying etc. I live on my own and just buying another pad on my own, which I am excited about......

 

Now since I chucked him out again for him name calling, etc....he has asked to stay in contact. Now, I seriously thought this would be ok? seriously I did, but clearly it hasnt been, in fact its worse than i thought.

 

I asked him if he still loved me, he said yes he did and hasnt stopped but he cant live with me but wants to carry on seeing me. Then says, at the moment my studying is first and I just dont have time for anyone or anyone else...when I ask if there is anyone else? so my thoughts were....hmm that made sense as when we were going out I felt it was all about his work/study and he was always knackered, so we couldnt really enjoy life that much when something was planned, I could see that there was no real passion to be there from him. I love my fitness which he resented, because he had diverticultis he cant workout, because of stomach cramps and a trip to the hospital. He hasnt the same energy and always thought I would meet someone else fitter, is his words etc.

 

Whenever I use to go to the gym, I would always get "did you meet anyone? was there any nice men there?, is everyone really fit there?!" It was literally one question after the other.

 

So the jealousy was intense, sweet in one way, dangerous because I lost my self esteem.

 

Now that I am single, I am going to the gym almost everyday, seeing friends, again, joined a dance group, alot healthier in what i eat, lost weight and feeling good. I am ok, not great as I miss him but ok and I am coping...or so I thought.

 

So on Friday night, I was out with friends until about 10pm, when I get a text, what have you been up to? I didnt reply as I wasnt around and left my phone at home, it was a last minute thing. Then the texts come in again, they start to get worse, "I dont want to keep in contact with you if you are dating or seeing someone else, are you?!"

 

I reassured I wasnt, but the same thing happened again on Saturday night, asking what I was doing as he was at home with his parents watching Strictly come dancing....bless him, I was in London, to which he responded "you are so spontaneous and out there, that is what worries me, if you are seeing somenoe else I dont want anymore contact from you?!" It was at this point that I thought, this doesnt make sense, he doesnt own me when clearly he wants to and I like to go out when he says he is busy studying. He asked me what I wanted and I told him...saying to be happy, fun, banter, laughter, etc etc...to share my life with someone etc etc.

 

Things were good at the weekend, when on Monday just gone it gets worse....this is why I have stopped contact.

 

I felt like I had what I would call a weak, cant control myself moment. I told him, that this is almost making me feel ill, and that he needed to sort out his study, stop being jealous and to let me and him get on with his life and even now its toxic. He said "I just need you to be on the same wavelength as me, you are up and down all the time and you arent being balanced, you keep chucking me out the house!" ( I did feel he wasnt understanding the reasons why though, I cant carry on with someone if they are verbally abusing me, calling me a C**t as in the past I told him to stop doing this and clearly he didnt!). He had this power over me, not sure if it was because he was a doctor or just because he could....but I felt like I was nothing in the end, my work too even though I earnt more, had my own house and loved my job/life...was it a jealousy?

 

Its hard for me to be strong, because its making me feel emotional and I cant think straight when I am around him with contact.... I am trying. However I am more likely to be stronger without any contact.

 

I said, because this is too painful to not be in contact, its for the best, it will help me anyway and him to concentrate with his work.....which we both know is true.....(everyone agrees too, family/friends etc) we have to do this. Well he calls me one after the other, texts me 24/7, saying I am so annoying, I still love you, miss you and want to be with you its because I am studying...blah blah blah.......

 

I feel I am not myself around him, like on edge, completely and utterly deflated, but on my own I am better if that makes sense, well I feel more focused? He did say I wouldnt be able to handle his studying and his operation when it happens. I didnt realise I was going into a relationship with someone who had so much study, was on anti depressants and was having an operation soon......does that sound selfish because he called me selfish for not taking all this on with him??

 

.... yet I have to be around him at home when he wants me??, in truth he needs someone younger or to look after him, I am at a different stage in my life and feel like I am 10 years ahead of him. I am just looking for a nice balance without any problems really. Is that too much to ask for or selfish of me? I hope not....

 

The next morning he carries on, "how is your day, what are you up to?!"

 

You see this man wont let go and is trying to make my life harder, I still love him and I know he does me too but I cant seem to forget those words he use to say to me, that were nasty, the times my esteem would be low, I would cry, he would start an arguement for the sake of it, the questions, the jealousy and the control....and my anger with him....thats another story and the things he needs to sort out etc.

 

I feel I have done the right thing...I am angry at myself for not being able to talk to him when we lived together, rather than anger and coldness but I guess that was me defending myself. I am learning.....

 

This man has a firm hold over me, and likes to point out my weaknesses which wasnt a bad thing by the way as I have come to realise a few, but do you believe its not fair I take on all his things? depression, work, operation? He would be around 3 months off work, bed ridden and would need to be looked after too?? He was always stating that I am selfish for not wanting to look after him, or understand his study..My question to myself was whatabout me?

 

thank you again, (she sighs....i just know he will be in contact again!)

 

x

[sun1972]

He obviously has a lot of issues, and i dont think the need to control or the intense jealousy will ever go.

 

I think you just need to be strong, and keep NC

[wispa2013]

He obviously has a lot of issues, and i dont think the need to control or the intense jealousy will ever go.

 

I think you just need to be strong, and keep NC

 

 

Thank you, I think that is the only way!

[HorseLuck]

Wooah. There is way too much going on here for me to quote it all, but it spells poison. It's also early in the morning and I haven't slept, so my post might be jumbled. You did the right thing and shouldn't feel guilty. Sure, it takes two to tango but at the rate you were going this relationship would not have lasted.

 

I see some similarities here with my situation. I dated someone studying to be a doctor. Stress and communication issues ultimately led to our demise, but controlling behavior and verbal abuse were not part of them. I've come across posts every now and than from people who were either dating med students or were in training themselves. The amount of time he has to devote to studying and being stressed out is not an excuse.

 

Controlling. Needy. Insecure. Passive aggressive. Verbally/emotionally abusive. He is all of those things and it doesn't sound like he owns up to any of it. Instead he is blame shifting on to you. It doesn't sound like he is in a healthy enough state of mind to be in a relationship at this time..or for a very long time until he sorts through his issues.

You need to cut the connection off and go strict no contact, no matter what.

 

He says you won't be able to handle his surgery..then he says blames you for not wanting to help him through the process. Do you see the contradiction there?

 

 

He had this power over me, not sure if it was because he was a doctor or just because he could....but I felt like I was nothing in the end, my work too even though I earnt more, had my own house and loved my job/life...was it a jealousy?

 

Regarding my ex, the title of his future occupation made me feel inferior. I allowed myself to feel that way which is the wrong mindset and stems from inadequacy. Your result may have been a combination of him controlling you and breaking your confidence down, or you naturally feeling inferior to a degree.

 

I feel I am not myself around him, like on edge, completely and utterly deflated, but on my own I am better if that makes sense, well I feel more focused?

 

I can understand that. I felt the same way though probably not the same reasons as you. Ex was always stressed out, couldn't relax. I picked up on some of that stress and it made me anxious. Only now do I realize how much more calm I feel throughout a 24 hour period.

 

Take a vacation!

[wispa2013]

Wooah. There is way too much going on here for me to quote it all, but it spells poison. It's also early in the morning and I haven't slept, so my post might be jumbled. You did the right thing and shouldn't feel guilty. Sure, it takes two to tango but at the rate you were going this relationship would not have lasted.

 

I see some similarities here with my situation. I dated someone studying to be a doctor. Stress and communication issues ultimately led to our demise, but controlling behavior and verbal abuse were not part of them. I've come across posts every now and than from people who were either dating med students or were in training themselves. The amount of time he has to devote to studying and being stressed out is not an excuse.

 

Controlling. Needy. Insecure. Passive aggressive. Verbally/emotionally abusive. He is all of those things and it doesn't sound like he owns up to any of it. Instead he is blame shifting on to you. It doesn't sound like he is in a healthy enough state of mind to be in a relationship at this time..or for a very long time until he sorts through his issues.

You need to cut the connection off and go strict no contact, no matter what.

 

He says you won't be able to handle his surgery..then he says blames you for not wanting to help him through the process. Do you see the contradiction there?

 

 

 

 

Regarding my ex, the title of his future occupation made me feel inferior. I allowed myself to feel that way which is the wrong mindset and stems from inadequacy. Your result may have been a combination of him controlling you and breaking your confidence down, or you naturally feeling inferior to a degree.

 

 

 

I can understand that. I felt the same way though probably not the same reasons as you. Ex was always stressed out, couldn't relax. I picked up on some of that stress and it made me anxious. Only now do I realize how much more calm I feel throughout a 24 hour period.

 

Take a vacation!

 

Aww thank you, I was getting worried that I wasnt anything good here and I was being selfish, when like you say its his projections. You are right about the whole doctor thing, I did feel in some way in awe of him because of his career and status then on the other hand I felt helpless and underneath him, he used that power in some way but then needed me in others, no wonder I was a wreck!

 

Interesting how you say others have been like this and yourself with your ex too. Contradiction indeed, it was very scary in the end, more so when I was out and about and I felt the need to just take myself away from him.

 

I do feel more calmer at peace, not on edge, cant sleep so much but feel more like i can enjoy my life again. I think I realised as well if you are sensitive you pick up on others stresses and strains and yet they want you to get them all the time when they dont get themselves....

 

thank you, just wanted to vent and I felt guilty in some areas too..xx