lalsc Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 My husband is currently deployed overseas. I always though we had a picture perfect marriage, we have been married 3 years. I always felt loved and desired and tried to make him feel the same. Thats why I say "I never thought this would happen to ME!" Two months ago he skyped me to inform me of the A. She was a contractor and they had been together 4 times! I was crushed. I live several states away from my family and felt so very much alone. I sat and wallowed for a few days. I dont want things to end, sure he messed up but its not like him to do this. it must be the deployment. I was his first. I came up with so many excuses for him. I asked him why he did it as well. I recieved an email listing all the things I had done wrong in our relationship. I was furious and hurt that he tried to put the blame on me for his actions. After several long discussions, he agreed to get counseling and we were going to try and rebuild our marriage. I confronted him two days later and asked if he had ceased contact with the OW. He had been communicating through FB with her and refused to agree to stop. Why!? He finally ceased contact and he has been trying to put forth an effort withs some relationship excersises via internet. He is still there and thats what makes this more difficult. I am stuck in limbo until he returns. Tonight, I got "Honest" with me. I was informed that the euphoric love stage had ceased prior to our engagement and that he married me because he thought it was the right thing to do at the time. He dosent think he did it for the right reasons. he realized that Im not a perfect goddess on a pedestal. The root of everything comes back to me being the culprit. I know there was love there, he just cant remember. I want so badly for us to be ok again. to wake up from this nightmare. I cant tell anyone because I dont want them to look at us any differnt, especially if we make it. I dont want to talk to his family at all because I am afraid to be to close because they might not be family next christmas. Im so jumbled and tired. I just want to give up on day to day things and lay on my couch until he returns.
Shocked Suzie Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 From personal experience!!!! Do not except blame for him having an A! How dare he!! This is no way your fault, if you have issues in your relationship having an A is 1, not the answer 2, totally self centred 3, not gonna help your M 4, is seriously not your fault! while you have you time, do some research., read, Seek personal therapy... Do not be a door matt...tell the OW to back rite off and until he eats the biggest lump of humble pie, shows you 100% remorse, commitment and admits to his errors then don't back down or believe a word he says! SS x 1
Shocked Suzie Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Wake up and do the 180. He is like a dog that needs training...he won't change til you do. You can find the 180 over on the Surviving Infidelity website. Good luck. Agreed! You need to straighten up n show him you are no push over! If you want to save your M this is the only way Ss x
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Your husband is in the fog of the affair and you should not take what he tells you at face value. He has already proven that he will lie to you, so don't assume what he is telling you is true. I know that you are sad, hurt, betrayed and probably a little embarrassed over this situation. However affairs are like mold, they live and grow in the best in the dark. When it is exposed to the light of day, it tends to wither and die. Same is true here, that is why wide exposure is the best. Right now he gets to eat his cake and have it too, he needs to have consequences for his actions. You need to expose to close friends and family immediately. I would demand to know her name and who she works for immediately. If he will not comply, assume the affair is continuing and limit your contact. Additionally, I recommend that you consult with an attorney and determine your legal position, should divorce become necessary. You don't have to file, but you do need to know your rights. You also need to protect yourself financially as well. If he gives you a name and contractors name, send an email to their personnel department. If he refuses, send an email to his commander to obtain the information. Lastly, do not except any responsibility for the affair NONE. You may not have been a perfect partner, but none of the things you did MADE him have an affair. Having sex with another woman never helps your marriage, this is just him trying to justify his selfish behavior. If you do reconcile, you need to go to couples counseling to rebuild this relationship. If you have no children I would think long and hard before reconciliation. He most likely has many more deployments in his future.
harrybrown Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 His decision to cheat was his decision and his alone. He bears all the blame for the affair. He is trying to justify his horrible actions by blaming you and magnifying any perceived faults. He is in the affair fog. I am glad you told him to stop all contact with the OW. How would he feel if you had the affair? Tell him to quit stabbing you in the back. (something close to what Dr. Phil said, but not quoted) He has ripped your heart out and thrown it in the fire. Tell him how horrible this makes you feel. What is he going to do to fix it?
cocahouts Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I'm sorry, 3 years isn't that long and if you have no kids I would leave. If you're close to someone in his family I would ask for their help. See a lawyer, talk with his unit, JAG, I'm thinking military. I was military years ago and this is not something they usually take lightly, expecially with deployments. I married young, military also to get away from my family. I know the feeling of not wanting to go back. First years of marriage are hard, military makes it harder but the first years are what makes it worth it in the long run. It doesn't sound like a good start, I'm sorry. If he's your first love and it's the dreamy feelings your holding onto. You might have found the wrong guy. If you have any of those Skype records, keep them. I'm sorry. Good luck
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