clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 I'm a little down today....my boyfriend has been telling me that he feels like he still wants to live like he's young, date, party, go out with people to bars, etc....and that we're not in the same place. Thats basically the jist of it all. I want to go out and have fun every now and then, but I certainly dont want to live like I'm still in college, and he apparently does. He says that he feels like he didnt get to have as much fun in college as I did, and like he missed out on things. I say bull$h*t, b/c he went out and partied in college too!!! (inner dialogue, I didnt actually say that to him) I've been calm and supportive and understanding, b/c I know that if one person wants something different then they should go do it..... But I feel like crap. He doesnt have any friends where he lives, so how does he think he's going to go out w/ friends and have fun?! (a question he posed himself) He's 24, has a job he hates, and has no friends where he lives......and he's basically said that he thinks he's having a hard time growing up, in that he knows he will eventually but I guess doesnt want to yet. BLAHBLAHBLAH....you know what else he said?!?! He said something like, "this would be so much easier if you were yelling at me or being a bit@h, but youre being so calm and understanding making it really hard" (talking about whether or not to break up) I asked him if he wants a few days to think about it all and let me know what he wants, so thats what he's doing. I feel like I already know where this is going.....and I'm so down
Debster Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Weak, weak, weak. I'm sorry girl but you just gave him permission to walk all over you. Your boyfriend doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship with you. Instead of responding with 'Well, see yah. I deserve someone who is in it 100%', you give him time to think about whether or not you are good enough for him. I say take the bull by the horns. This guys wants to play the field. It appears as if you don't. So dump him. Take away his options. Good luck.
alphamale Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by kat23 BLAHBLAHBLAH....you know what else he said?!?! He said something like, "this would be so much easier if you were yelling at me or being a bit@h, but youre being so calm and understanding making it really hard" (talking about whether or not to break up) I asked him if he wants a few days to think about it all and let me know what he wants, so thats what he's doing. I feel like I already know where this is going.....and I'm so down cheer up....most 24 yr olds know very little about what they want If you don't want to break up then be direct and voice you opinion After a few wks or months of his so-called "freedom" he'll most likely be back.
Sukotto Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Well the lack of friends thing and the fact he hates his job doesn't sound too promising for his ideas of going out partying. I suggest you tell him that you only want someone who can give you a 100% and since he cannot provide that then you think you should no longer see each other. If you can get that out then your doing well, I give it a month at most and you'll have him back grovelling. It might give him some time to grow up. Though in that month your opinion of him might change, he's already made up his mind prior to bringing this to your attention, so its really unlikely that you'll be able to change it. At most you may force him to change his mind and this problem will pop up again in the future. You haven't mentioned the living situation which could be more complicated, do you live together?
Author clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Alphamale, you said the very same word that he did..."Freedom" He says that he wants to feel like he still has his freedom to do things....but I must say that all the things he listed were things that people can still do in a relationship. I know that if he has a few weeks or months by himself, he'll realize that its meaningless and want to be with me (i didnt tell him that in those particular words). His point of view is that if he does that, then he doesnt get a second chance with me. And that its wrong to break up with someone, date some other people or go out partying, and then try to get that person back. I always feel good when someone thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, realizes its NOT and then comes back to me. I've never taken any of them back, but it still feels good! I just hate waiting for this to end....i really think thats where its going. I mean, why else would someone take a few days to figure out if they want to be w/ someone or not?!
Author clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 You haven't mentioned the living situation which could be more complicated, do you live together? No, we dont live together....he lives 4 hours away. We see each other on the weekends, and talk on the phone at nights during the week. He was trying to decide whether or not to move closer (he already moved to my state to be closer to me, he just didnt get a job in my city). I have to be here for 2 more years b/c I'm starting nursing school to get my BSN. We've realized that the distance is extremely hard (we've done it through our whole relationship), and that if we're going to stay together he would need to move at some point...b/c 2 more years of LD is impossible. If youve read any of my other posts, I've mentioned how often he talks about a future with me. He even talks about house hunting, furniture shopping, sailing together, coming home from work, etc etc. He said that in his mind, moving here would mean that "we're there"
Author clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 He said that in his mind, moving here would mean that "we're there" I guess I should say more about that part.... His intention was to move HERE to my city in the first place. He says that he inherently knows that things wouldnt change, meaning get more serious, and that he has all these irrational thoughts. For example, a desire to go out w/ friends when he has none where he lives; wanting "freedom" to go over to a guy friends house and bullsh*t around when he has no one to do that with; he wants to go out and dance/party with ME and feels like we cant, even though he knows we can; etc etc Maybe he's just immature and wants to stay that way, but knows that with me he'll need to grow up????? I dont even know if I make sense......this thing is all i can think about!!! Does everyone think I should end this now, or should i let him figure it out on his own and then see what conclusion he makes
Sukotto Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Well you dont want to give him a choice since he'll most likely say he still wants you even if he doesn't since he wont like the fact that he's on the losing end of the deal. Just male psychology really in this case. The choice is really yours, I personally wouldn't be waiting about for someone to make a decision. Thats just going to eat you up in side, then you have to wonder if they really did resolve the problems that brought the issue up. I would just cut my losses and look for someone a bit more mature.
Author clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 I completely agree with you, in theory I suggest you tell him that you only want someone who can give you a 100% and since he cannot provide that then you think you should no longer see each other. The problem with taking this into my hands, is that I KNOW he'll respond this way: "No, no...I dont want to lose you, everythings fine...I was just being immature and paranoid...I'm sorry...I dont want to break up..." He'll ignore whatever it is thats going on in his head, and go along with whatever he thinks I want him to do. He's a HUGE people pleaser, and goes along with whatever advice sounds good. I've told him this, and thats why I want HIM to take time and decide for himself, rather than pushing him into a decision we'll both be wondering about later. Something that I probably should have mentioned earlier is this: You may or may not know I have a daughter (2yrs old in a few months). He's known this from the beginning, and has been okay with it. He knows that I'm not wanting to get married, or looking for a father for my girl. From the beginning, we decided that we'd focus on the 2 of us (he and myself) and form a foundation from that, not be an "instant family". I'm VERY careful about this situation, for myself and for him. Anyway, the other day the 3 of us (my daughter included) were in a bookstore, and i wasnt around at the time but he was with her. Some lady says, "Oh my gosh, what a beeauuutiful daughter you have!!!" (b/c she really is quite pretty ) And later that night all this stuff I've talked about in this thread came up. I'm sure he's just freaked out. I personally was troubled by this as well, but not to the extent that he apparently was. He's seemed fine with everything and happy...and then all of a sudden there's all this crap. I just briefly spoke to him on AOL and he was telling me about how shocked he is b/c he just found out that 2 more guys he knows are either married or engaged. I responded, "well, arent you glad youre dating someone that doesnt want to get married"
Girl123 Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 This may be the unpopular opinion, but I think you should wait it out and let him make his decision decision. By the sounds of it, he seems like he wants you to freak out and be a bit#@ and all that, so that he can be excused for his behavior. I know people like that, and the best thing you can do for him and you is to hold him accountable for his choices. If and when he comes back and realizes he made a mistake, it will be his mistake to take responsibility for. There is nothing weak about being sincere to your feelings. If you want to stay with this man, don't act otherwise, because then you will be the one with regrets. Of course, should he decide he wants to stay in the relationship, make it clear that there are some reparations to be made. The both of you should, at that point, be committed to addressing and resolving the doubt and insecurity that his "freedom" chasing has caused.
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