beyondcrushed Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I broke up with my ex 2 months ago. We were together for 8 months. The whole time he would have episodes of pulling away and withdrawing from me. I'm wondering if all men do this or just some? And, if some, what kind of men e.g. insecure, non-commital, emotionally unavailable? Would a strong confident man who knows what he wants and is sure of himself withdraw? I want to know if I can expect this in my next relationship, so I can learn how to deal with it.
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It's impossible to say that ALL men or women do anything. Generalizations don't serve anybody. This guy pulled away. If a strong, confident, man who knows what he wants pulled away, you'd know about it & he wouldn't come back. This push pull merry go round business is not the behavior of somebody who knows what they want.
Dark_history Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It's impossible to say that ALL men or women do anything. Generalizations don't serve anybody. This guy pulled away. If a strong, confident, man who knows what he wants pulled away, you'd know about it & he wouldn't come back. This push pull merry go round business is not the behavior of somebody who knows what they want. All men and women breathe oxygen to live. See I poked a hole in your statement there On the serious side OP, d0nnivain is correct, you won't know right away if a man is secure and will pull away slowly or directly if they are not interested, you can only look for the signs.
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) At the start of our relationship, he was moving quickly, saying things like -- "I love you", "lets move in together", "we are exclusive and committed". I thought he was all in, so I thought it "safe" to jump right in with my heart. Then I see the "signs" and ask him about them. He says everything is fine. He's not pulling away. He says he thinks I'm insecure and needy. I back off and when it happens again, I confront him. But everytime I do, it pushes him further from me. Eventually, he ends it. Keep in mind we were both each others' rebounds, which is likley why he wasn't so sure about me and kept pulling away. But I thought it was safe to love him. The problem is you don't really know what you are getting into with someone or the outcome. Love is a risk. A risk that your love may lose interest and let you go. You better believe I'll now be more cautious when giving my love away. Thanks everyone. Edited November 12, 2013 by beyondcrushed
carhill Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 The whole time he would have episodes of pulling away and withdrawing from me. IMO, more context is necessary. As example, you might have a disagreement with him, the argument gets a bit heated, then he pulls away. Etc, Etc. Generally, men are socialized and peer-integrated to deal with emotions in a solitary fashion. We, as a rule, don't do the group hug/cry thing and spill our private emotional business to our friends, including girlfriends/wives. It took therapy for me to learn to quell that part of my personality and become more stoic, as it was grossly unattractive to women, based on direct feedback from them, and often not very polite feedback. Are there absolutes? IMO, nope, there aren't. You want what you want in a LTR and you weren't getting it from this guy, though evidently he was giving you enough of what you wanted to transition from strangers to him being attractive to him being your BF. It's unknown whether what you want is atypical of what a man can give, or not. It's also unknown whether the man in question was generally unemotionally available or not, relevant to the context currently provided. Finally, as you've indicated 'all men' in your title, this leads me to believe that this issue has been a consistent one, for yourself. Please clarify if incorrect. If correct, and it is repetitive and you find it distressing, and presuming you are accepting the advances of the men who demonstrate such behaviors, it may be time to hoist the mirror up and examine why you're accepting advances from this population of men, presuming we can't generalize about all men, as well as examine what you consider to be 'withdrawing' and/or 'pulling away'. Good luck! 1
desperategirl Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 As stated by the previous posters, it is impossible to say that all men do one thing. I did know a guy (a friend) who withdrew BIG time from a girl who he went on to get engaged to (getting married soon!) He said he needed some time to evaluate that the relationship was what he wanted. OTOH some guys just diasspear. Hard to say if it's withdrawing to possibly return, or just disappearing forever without more contect, and even with more contaxt it's an educated guess. Any more info?
Never Again Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 OP, it's hard to gauge accurately in your case since we don't know all the details. However, I can tell you that almost everyone accordions with their level of intimacy. They'll get close, then pull away because they need some "me time" to rest and recharge. While I do not think he should have dismissed you by calling you insecure, it's hard to judge the situation without knowing how you confronted him on it. I always pull away here and there, but not because I want to breakup or because I "don't know what I want". I've always been entirely secure in my relationships. However, sometimes I need to be able to live my own life. A significant other should be *part* of your life, not the center of it. After 8.5 months of being completely enraptured with my girlfriend and spending TONS of time with her, I needed to come up for air. I still loved her, but the obsessive "I need to be around you, and spend all my time with you, and show you tons of affection, and have sex with you ALL the time" spark wore off. I needed to take a breath and spend a month or two catching up with the family and friends I neglected over those months. I needed to do my own thing. I needed space for 6-8 weeks, and then I was ready to dive back in. Then I was promptly dumped. So take my personal account with a grain of salt. I do think everyone needs a healthy level of space every once in awhile...it all depends on how they handle it.
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 At the start of our relationship, he was moving quickly, saying things like -- "I love you", "lets move in together", "we are exclusive and committed". I thought he was all in, so I thought it "safe" to jump right in with my heart. . Statements like those too early actually make me assume the guy is a player who will say anything to get what he wants.
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 More context.... He came from a physically abusive home where his dad beat him and his mom didn't protect him from it and didn't show him any love. His mom was abused by the dad too and was emotionally unstable. His exwife was strong and independent/confident and he married her cause she was the opposite of his mother, who he was upset with. But his exwife was cold towards him their entire marriage. They never fought. They would get upset with each other but hold it in and just be distant with each other for a few days until it blew over. He said when someone criticizes or yells at him it reminds him of his dad. His coping mechanism was/is to withdraw into a shell. Whenever someone is emotional around him, it reminds him of his mom and he sees it as weakness and detests it. We hooked up 2 months after he split with his wife. And 1 month after my exh and I decided to split. At that point he was still coming to terms with the end of his marriage. He was heartbroken/devestated but made a decision to move on and start something with me. He wanted the love and affection his mother and wife never gave him. He had that with me. I was already emotionally over my exh (a year before we decided to end it). My bf and I were smitten with each other. Texting all the time, seeing each other every night/day we had free, and coffee/lunch breaks at work. I was finalizing our separation agreement and buying a home all at the same time. It was very stressful. My exh was giving me some grief during our negotiations. I would vent to my bf about what was going on and how stressed I was. He wanted to be there for me and help me. So I turned to him for support -- someone to talk to. A day later, he all of a sudden seemed distant. Lacked interest in my life. Didn't have that sparkle in his eye for me. Didn't text me as much. Made plans with his friends and never talked about making plans with me. I confronted him about it -- "everything ok? You seem distant. You aren't talked to me as much." He said yes, everything is fine. He was annoyed with me asking him. This created huge tension between us so things weren't quite right for a couple weeks. One night at his place, he was not affectionate or talkative at all. I again asked him what is going on. He got upset. We decide to take a break. He says he just wants to have fun and he thinks he can't do that with me right now. A week later, he misses me and we reconcile cause he thinks I was just stressed over the separation/move and should've given me some slack. (How generous.) So things are blissful again. About a couple months later he does it again. Mind you he is busier at this point in his life but he was distant even when we were together. I sensed it. He wasn't as forthcoming about what was happening in his life -- even the benign things. Not like he normally was. But I play it cool thinking he's withdrawing again and will come back around. But he calls me on my coolness. So I tell him how I think he's distant again. He reassures me and wonders if I'll be secure in our relationship. Then a month later we go to NYC. The night before our departure, I show up 30 mins later than expected. We were just vegging and crashing before our flight in the am. He was upset I was late and told me so then pulled away. I apologized and tried to play it cool but couldn't and asked what was wrong. He said nothing. I left it alone until bedtime and then we talked about it. He wasn't as lovey dovey on our trip but considerate and attentive. a few weeks later we are talking about summer. He tells me all the holiday/vacation plans he's making. They don't include me. Fine, he doesn't have to include me in everything. I get that, but even a week or weekend together would've been nice. Expected if you are in a LTR. I would think. I know he was in my plans. Then he's spending more time with friends. Which I was glad about cause we were spending all our time together and I knew it couldn't be sustained. But he was late meeting me one night after being out with his friend and I told him I was upset about it. He said I was late for NYC so I shouldn't be upset. Then he seems to pull away again. Less plans, less talking, less coffee breaks. So I am upset and try to hold it in, again. But fail. I ask him again if everything is ok. He seems annoyed and says yes. I felt bad leaving him to go on a trip to Jamaica. He said go, and have fun. I get back, things seem fine. I get upset at work cause i was having a hard time with getting vacation time off for the summer. I vent to him about it. He was completely cold and unsympathetic to me. I called him on it. Was emotional with him over it at work. He immediately got annoyed/upset with me. Told me I was out of control, emotionally unstable and to never act like this at work again. I agreed. I become fearful of losing him so I try to please him. He wanted me to help around his house cause I was staying there often. So I did. He wanted to try a new sport and he invited me to try. So I did. We go camping and he tries to teach me something and I try to learn but quit. Cause I'm trying to please him, I'm losing myself. during the camping trip, he is disrespectful towards me -- snappy, condesending. We fight a couple times. He is quite distant, no sex, little to no affectcion. And what affection there was seemed forced on his part. We get back from camping and I try to hold it in, yet again, but confront him. I ask what is going on, why no affection, why the distance. He said the fighting pushed him further away from me. He says he doesn't think wer're right for each other. He says I mean a lot to him but he doesn't love me. I am devastatd. He says he's not breaking up with me, though. The remaining couple weeks of our relationship are marked with less texting, less enthusiasm, less everything from him. I couldn't stand the heartache, lack of love and rejection I was feeling and talked to him about what he wanted. He said he's still struggling with the end of his marriage and my neediness, insecurity and me trying to please him turns him off. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship. So we end it. I think its a combination of our personalities that caused the withdrawals. I think the neediness is a turnoff and given his personality, pushed him further and further away.
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Statements like those too early actually make me assume the guy is a player who will say anything to get what he wants. I know. But I don't know where he would've had time to play other women. We were together and talked all the time. Maybe I was his main gf and he had one offs here and there when I wasn't looking. He didn't give the vibe of being a player, although he did find it easy to make friends with other women. LOL, I know, I know. Maybe he was trying things out with me and had these 'friends' on stand by. Maybe he was so devastated over his wife that he sincerely wanted those things with me to replace what he lost. I did have a look at his cell and found nothing, no indication of playing another woman. (He would always grab my phone and rifle through it.)
KatZee Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I would say it's a very common thing that men do. Men are wired differently than females. This is actually known as the "rubber band effect." It's essentially a guy thing. So yes. Did His Rubber Band Break? | Mars Venus If You Let It: The Rubber Band Effect
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 So don't expect somebody who has just left his marriage to be ready to have a full on relationship. And I don't think you should expect to be able to do that yourself, either. The neediness - will not be attractive to many men at all. So forget about whether "men" will pull away; focus on yourself. You are right. We weren't ready to be in any kind of relationship. Needed time to get past our marriages. And yes, I need to focus on myself so I'm not needy, and this will make for a better relationship the next time around. Thank you.
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