tanbark813 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 A lot of thinking lately has me wondering if I expect too much from people. I know I place very high standards on myself, and if I don't achieve my goals, I beat myself up about it. I think I often place these expectations on others and when they fail to meet them, I expect that they will do the same to themselves. But when they don't seem to be beating themselves up as much as I may myself in that same situation, it makes me a little frustrated and I try to point out to them why they should feel bad. This, of course, just puts most people on the defensive and unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. Given how much people suck, I'm wondering if I would be happier if I were to just lower my expectations. I mean, is it unreasonable for me to believe that I'll be able to find a girl who's completely happy with me being the only guy in her life and would never lie to me and would always want to include me in her life? I'm starting to wonder if what I'm searching for really exists or not...
Starry_Night Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Are you serious? This is what a relationship is suppossed to be. You should be in her life totally, you should be the only man in her life at all as far as her being intimate with or talking to in a romantic way. You should not settle for not being the only one just because you have had bad experiences. I wish there were more guys like this who really wanted a relationship and not just short term relationship. Don't change who you are or what you want out of life just because one girl wasn't able to give you what you deserve.
savethedrama4allama Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 I think you need to RAISE your expectations. Look at the luck you've been having with women two-timing you. Maybe next time say "I won't date anyone who has done a lot of coke." Maybe it'll weed out some of the rif-raff, not that people who have done coke are all bad. But you did mention that was something you were having second thoughts about seeing your girlfriend over and bam, she screwed you in the end. Trust me, if you hold to your standards, when you find that woman who fits them it will be great. Its not like you're breaking up with women because they chew too loudly or they only have one PhD. You expect fidelity and they're not giving it to you. Hold on for the one who will. In the meantime- CALL ME. Just kiddin.
Sukotto Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 How high are your standards for deciding on who to date? I'm willing to give most girls a chance if they can meet the following criteria: Can make me laugh within the first 5 minutes of chattingDon't talk just about themselves and try to find out about meDon't dress like a slutNot too short, i'm reasonably tall and anything less than 5'4" is off limits If they can meet all of the above then they get a chance at a second meeting usually over coffee, a quick hour chat and then depending on how the conversation goes they might get a proper date providing they aren't Wanted felonPsychopathDrug AddictGold Digger
alphamale Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 you should have 3 to 5 "must haves" in a woman. if you find someone that fullfills those must have criteria and she wants to be with you then you should overlook the other criteria she does not meet. if you can find 60-70% of what you're looking for in one wooman then u are ahead of the game. you will never find 90-100% in one person. and another thing...you cannot control other peoples behavior most of the time but you can modify it somewhat. don't beat yourself up cause others don't meet your expectations in any area. everyone is unique and lives by a different set of rules.
Scarlett_girl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 i so know what you mean Tanbark..with me..i'm super emotional and give 100% of myself to the people i am closest too and guys I date but some people are just not like that and it can be frustrating....it's nto about your standards..its more about what you need in a relationship..and i think..judging from your past posts..you need to really figure out what you need and want in a girl..i mean really need and really want.. i had to do taht after my bf and I broke up in nov....it took me a while but i figured out what alphamale says about the "checklist" and even if I find a guy cute..if he doesnt meet at least 3 of my "points".. i know he's not for me cuz of past experiences.. good luck! oh and for the record..here is my list: -Intellectual intelligence -politically passionate -good sense of humour -well spoken -non materialistic (no metrosexual) -independent and not needy -confident..not arrogant but NOT insecure
krbshappy71 Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 If you lower your standards, you will lower the quality of people you date. How, exactly, do you think this will help your situation??? You are already frustrated with the quality of the people you have dated! Do you enjoy yourself and being alone when you are alone? Then you have nothing to lose by hanging out alone until the right person comes along that is worth being with. If you have more fun alone than with the person, that's a big hint they aren't the one. Be the person you want to live with the rest of your life.
Author tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Well I've dated a bunch of different types of girls. My last LTR ended because the girl lied to me a number of times. The two before that the girls both cheated on me. Now, one of the girls who cheated on me knew I didn't love her. She said she loved me but knew I didn't love her back. I never really knew why, I just wasn't fully into her. So while I was angry about the lying and cheating, I could sort of understand, I just wish she broke things off herself before finding another guy. As for the last gf and the other of the two who cheated on me, I was in love with both those girls. And both of them, while two completely different people, told me that I expect too much of them. I think I'm laid back when it comes to just dating, but once I get into an exclusive relationship with someone, I expect a lot from them. This boils down to: * Wanting them to be honest with me about everything, no matter what. * Wanting to be included in plans with their friends. * Wanting to spend a lot of time with them. * Wanting romantic displays of their feelings, whether it be affection, verbal flirting, etc.. (I know, I'm a girl when it comes to relationships ) * Wanting them to introduce me as their bf and not just by name; basically, to be proud to show me off. As far as standards go, I want someone with a sense of humor, intelligence, passion about something (art, music, politics, whatever, but *something*). I can find girls who meet my standards, but those are a little bit different than the behavioral expectations I have, and that seem to be where people fall short (in my eyes). I give those things to girls who I am with, so I get a bit frustrated when they don't reciprocate. I'm starting to wonder now if expecting that in return is expecting too much and maybe I would be happier if I lowered what I expected from people. Maybe that makes more sense.
Author tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Oh, and I want a girl who shares my love for Eminem.
Sukotto Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Have you been turning away too many girls because the inital impressions dont go off well? I've found that alot of them dont show their true colours until after the first few dates and they get comfortable with you. Then you either find out that they're not what you wanted and head running for the door or that they're actually better than expected. A few people just dont have the ability to make good first impressions but are really a lot better once you get to know them. I personally dont see anything wrong with your list of requirements for a long term relationship. Maybe try a different tactic next time and just come out and say what you want after the first few months. I try to be as open minded as possible at first in case its shyness or nerves, but in some cases they are just complete ass hats.
Author tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Sukotto Have you been turning away too many girls because the inital impressions dont go off well? No, if anything I probably don't turn away enough girls. Getting a date is no problem. I wrote this thread with strictly LTR's in mind. I don't want to be in a relationship with every girl I date. I don't just jump into them and, honestly, most girls annoy me to the point that I don't want to spend a lot of time with them. But once I find someone who I do want to get exclusive with, it seems like I get similar feedback about expecting too much of them. I was just wondering if there might be something to that.
Sukotto Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Maybe you just live in an area with a high concentration of ass hats. Maybe try throwing your net further afield and see what you get. I guess you could try and prioritise what you need in a relationship and try to meet as many as the criteria as possible. For me sense of humor and intelligence are most important, i need someone I can laugh with and have a reasonably intelectual conversation with. Though thats mainly the person and not what they need to bring to the relationship. Communication is important to me I need to know how they're feeling and if they can't convey then its wasted time. Physical intimacy like hugs, hand holding and just generally being around each other Involvement with friends, i need to feel like i'm part of their life I dont like the lots of time spent together thing personally, i think every 2nd or 3rd day is acceptable. Any more and I feel too restricted.
Stone Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 I didn't read your whole post but I did see something that stood out at me, I used to beat myself up over failures all the time untill I learned Failure is your biggest sucess, you learn from your failures. I think you should raise the bar for yourself and youpotential dates... Failure and Determination= Sucess. As far as sharing your love for Eminim ( or however you spell it) I'd let crap like that go, how important is it really?
Author tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Stone As far as sharing your love for Eminim ( or however you spell it) I'd let crap like that go, how important is it really? Well that part was just a joke. The rest was serious.
Dakini Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Tanbark, I am right there with you in that I expect as much from people as I give to them. However, I have learned that having these types of expectations just leads to heartache, and ultimately not being fulfilled in a relationship. Most often, your partner will never view the world exactly as you do, and to impose your view onto them in unreasonable. I also thought this this was a bit demanding: Originally posted by tanbark813 * Wanting to be included in plans with their friends. IMO, each partner needs time ALONE with his or her friends. They need time to talk about things away from you - I find that it strengthens the relationship if you are not socializing together ALL the time. I am not saying to never include you, but once or twice a week, maybe, your partner may need some time with their friends without you.
kellyp1 Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Don't lower them, it's not worth it. Be true to yourself if nothing else. I don't have a problem getting a date, my problem is that I come across so young and like I have fun with life, that I attract a lot of people who aren't serious about anything, much less a relationship. The last guy I dated, I was crazy about. I thought we got along really well but the bottom line was he did not want a relationship. I spent 9 months of dating just him figuring this out though. Figure out sooner if the ones you like want the same things you do. If they don't, move on. Don't invest time in pointless causes with the hope that things might work out. You seem like a good guy just spend more time focused on what you need and less trying to make a bad situation work out because of attraction. BTW - being single right now, I need to take some of my own advice!
Author tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Dakini IMO, each partner needs time ALONE with his or her friends. They need time to talk about things away from you - I find that it strengthens the relationship if you are not socializing together ALL the time. I am not saying to never include you, but once or twice a week, maybe, your partner may need some time with their friends without you. Funny you should mention that as that was one of the major causes of arguments. It's not that I disagree with you, but my most recent relationship was long distance. We lived two hours apart, so we were able to spend our weekends together, but we didn't have time during the week. So given the limited time we had together, I just figured including me with plans with her friends would be like killing two birds with one stone. She saw it as me trying to cut her off from her friends.
moimeme Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 If you have more fun alone than with the person, that's a big hint they aren't the one. Be the person you want to live with the rest of your life. Oh I liiiike that Wanting them to be honest with me about everything, no matter what. * Wanting to be included in plans with their friends. * Wanting to spend a lot of time with them. * Wanting romantic displays of their feelings, whether it be affection, verbal flirting, etc.. (I know, I'm a girl when it comes to relationships ) * Wanting them to introduce me as their bf and not just by name; basically, to be proud to show me off. What you're defining is a type of relationship. This is good. I don't think people devote enough time to figuring out what sort of relationship they want - they just know they're unhappy when they're not getting the type of relationship you like. This is just another screening tool. At some point when you're interested in someone, ask her idea of what an ideal relationship is. You will find someone who likes to relate the same way, eventually. I dont like the lots of time spent together thing personally, i think every 2nd or 3rd day is acceptable. Any more and I feel too restricted. This is another style entirely. I'm not sure how this would work out for someone in an LTR - you can't exactly marry someone but ask her to come by and visit every couple of days You don't really want to throw in the towel, Tanbark. The thing is that you have to resolve for yourself whether you *MUST HAVE SOMEONE NOW* or whether you are willing to bide your time and wait for somene who is truly compatible, no matter how long that takes. And it might take a while. It could take years, even. Seems to me it only makes sense, though. I settled a couple of times because I thought I was being too demanding. It doesn't work. Better to embrace what you truly need and wait until it shows up.
savethedrama4allama Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Sukotto Maybe you just live in an area with a high concentration of ass hats. Ass hats. Ass hats. OMG, its my new favorite expression in the world.
billybadass36 Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 I'm the same way - Date for a while, and you're totally laid back, casual, don't have a problem with the girl you're "dating" being outgoing, maybe flirty a litte with other guys (because you're not yet "exclusive"), her outgoingness is one of the things that you're attracted to. During this time you don't see her very often...maybe twice a week...and she goes out with her friends routinely without asking your "permission" or seeing what you're up to. Then, after you see each other for some time and decide to become "boyfriend/girlfriend" one or the other or both modify their behavior to varying degrees. Once I get in an exclusive relationship, then that person becomes the center of my universe. Rightly or wrongly my guy friends take a back seat. Sure, we still do stuff from time to time, but my social life is focused around my gf, not them. I expect the same thing from my gf because that's how I think being "exclusive" works. Conflict arises when there are different views/attitudes whatever about what that "exclusive" tag means. She may be acting in the same way as she was when we were "just dating", but she didn't make the switch when I did. My behavior and my expectations change once we're "boyfriend/girlfriend", and not every woman on the planet feels the same way. I just think, some women are good for "just dating" (read, "banging"), and other women are like-minded to us and are good for our version of "exlusivity". It's just a matter of finding a person with the same outlook on what it means to be in an exclusive relationship. For me, my individual identity takes a bit of a backseat to that of "our" relationship. Some people need more space and need to maintain more of an "individual" role in the relationship. Seldom does it work out when the two parties to the relationship differ in this regard. One or the other partner in one of these mismatched relationships is deemed "controlling" or "deceitful" depending on which one they are, but with a totally different person they would be totally happy and content. Different strokes, man. It's not about "lowering standards", it's about finding someone that's like-minded about what it means to be in a committed, monogamous relationship.
Pocky Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by tanbark813 But when they don't seem to be beating themselves up as much as I may myself in that same situation, it makes me a little frustrated and I try to point out to them why they should feel bad. This, of course, just puts most people on the defensive and unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. I don't think beating oneself up is healthy. I don't think tearing ourselves apart for mistakes me make is healthy. While you may feel it conducive to your growth, if you enforced this type of behavior on me I would be perturbed and the relationship wouldn't last. Each of us has our own way of dealing with our actions in life and what may work for you may not work for someone else. You can't force someone to take responsibility for their actions - it's something we have to do on an individual basis. Honestly, if you told kept telling me how I should feel bad because of my behavior and I didn't feel like I should, I'd probably to tell you to F off.
alphamale Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 TANBARK: give less of yourself and give intermittently. you may find that the women you date will give more of themselves when you do this. I know that logically it does not makes sense but in life many things are oppostie of what they should be.
Dakini Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale give less of yourself and give intermittently. you may find that the women you date will give more of themselves when you do this. Follow this advice to have the least fulfilling relationship of your life.
Thanos Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I know this is a very late reply, but I just read your post and had to write something. I have been through the same exact situation in the past months, and I also had to think if I was expecting too much or if I should lower my expectations. I'm still struggling, everyone seems to take people so lightly, in every way, hopefully someone is out there, if I exist, he/she has to be out there too. Good luck to you.
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