an_also Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Hey folks. I'm in need of some encouraging words. Here is my story: My ex and I met at work and started dating in January. Her home town is Chicago. She was working here (Toronto) because she got a good opportunity for her career. She had gone through some tough times a year before we met with someone she dated for a few months. That relationship was on the rocks and she ended up getting pregnant and opted to have an abortion. Apparently the guy didn't support her and basically went on vacation while she had to have the abortion without any support. So she was in a bad place and didn't really like Toronto anymore after that experience. She was also a bit insecure about her height as she is 5'10. Fast forward a year and her and I were dating. She had put here transfer application to go back to work in Chicago which would take affect in early May. Both of us knew that but decided to date anyways. We both fell for each other hard. I fell in love with her. The emotional chemistry we shared was incredible. I don't even know how to describe it. She even said that she's never been with anyone who's made her feel this way before. She truly felt like a best friend. And she was pretty to boot. She transferred in May and we decided to try a long distance relationship. She came back to visit in 3 weeks and stayed with me for a week. It was an amazing week. She told me that she wanted to move back to Toronto in a year to be with me. I was ecstatic. The plan was for her to move in with me in a year. Then a month later she was due to visit me here again, and she pulls that chute. She said that she doesn't want to leave Chicago again. She doesn't want to leave her family and friends to move to Toronto. We were essentially breaking up. She didn't want to do the long distance. She wanted a relationship where she would be able to see the person more often. Then the plan was for me to visit her in Chicago. She then cancels that trip. I asked her what if I moved to Chicago and that I was looking into jobs there. She said that she didn't think that would work. She gave me every excuse in the book as to why I would hate it there. She said that she's 30 years old now and didn't want to take the risk of me moving there and it not working in the longterm and that she just wanted to meet someone in Chicago. I tried everything. (reasoning, begging, the works etc). We still kept in contact for a few weeks after. She even wanted to visit me AGAIN here in toronto. But then when I pressed her on if she was really visiting, she said it was a bad idea. I basically told her that I need to go no contact and that the only way she should contact me was if she ever wanted to reconcile. I don't understand how someone can go from professing their love to another person and talking about spending the rest of our lives together to not even wanting me to move to her city to be with her. It's been almost 4 months since the breakup. I feel like I've gotten a bit better. But I still cry. I still feel like crap. I still feel like i have a strong emotional attachment to her. Even now it feels like I'll never be able to get over her. It's a tough pill to swallow because a part of me still feels that we would be together if we lived in the same city. This is the first woman I've ever fallen in love with. I don't know what to do. I still feel like contacting her via email to tell her that I"m still willing to move to Chicago but I know it's not a good idea. She still sends me breadcrumbs here and there. She emailed me last month to say that she still thinks of me and hopes that I'm doing well. I didn't respond. Am I having such a difficult time because this is the first time I've felt heartbreak? I thought I would be feeling better at this point considering it was only a 6 month relationship. I'm having a hard time because I'm also sad that I'm losing an amazing connection I had with her. I know from past experience that its really really hard to find. I need some encouragement from you fine folks at Love shack.
Scale Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Hey dude, So i'm sure you know already a lot that give it some time and stuff like that. We all feel how can 1 do this after feeling the other way and say so many things and doing so many things but its really bitter that they do behave horrible and unexpected. After having read so many posts on this website, you will realize that mostly women in their 20s are very confused of what they want and are also impatient to quiet an extent. For a lot of individuals this time you make your career and several hardships and circumstances come into your life and your trying to make a relationship work. Whether 6 months or 10 years or 1 month, its not the amount of time you spent in that relationship but how you guys felt for each other. The deeper you the more hurtful the break up is and for some reason 1 does not know what they want. What you did is correct of going NC so she can think but don't be hopeful. I feel the same way like you do even though it has 13 months of my break up but I'm trying to focus my energy else where. My problem is my own strong will power which doesn't allow me let go of her. I'm doing everything else, I have been deleted from her FB, Whatsapp and Gtalk etc but still. It was 1st love relationship for me too and had many life plans made which just crumbled down in no time. Stay wrong you will feel like terrible but go out with friends. Surround yourself with friends and stuff to do so you can keep your mind occupied and not think over it. Let her decide. Try to let go, don't push yourself to another relationship. Keep the memories if you want but don't think about them all the time. Anything else you want to ask, please feel free ?
Author an_also Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Thanks for the response. I think I might be trying to rush my healing process by putting a time limit on it. I'm slowly realizing that I'm the type of person who has a hard time letting go. So the process might take longer than someone else. I'm just having a really hard time accepting that its really over considering how great we both felt being together. Distance can really mess up a good thing. Also its hard to accept that she didn't want me to move to Chicago to be together. I might try getting counseling. I'm really trying my best to "feel" my pain. It feels like I'm somewhat stuck at the moment.
lovelylilly Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Hey dude, After having read so many posts on this website, you will realize that mostly women in their 20s are very confused of what they want and are also impatient to quiet an extent. For a lot of individuals this time you make your career and several hardships and circumstances come into your life and your trying to make a relationship work. Whether 6 months or 10 years or 1 month, its not the amount of time you spent in that relationship but how you guys felt for each other. The deeper you the more hurtful the break up is and for some reason 1 does not know what they want. I agree with the above. I don't think it's fair, but many things in life can get in the way of a great relationship. When people are unsure of what they want, they tend to push the one's close to them away. It sounds like to me that something happened to her-either she found a new guy, or she's stressed over something and she just doesn't want to put in the effort anymore. It sucks, but it happens. Long distant relationships are hard, too. I was in one, and I loved the guy with all my heart, but we fought all the time. All of our fights were over seeing each other too. Also, don't beat yourself up about not being over her quick enough. We all heal at our own pace, and if you had strong feelings for her, it makes sense it's taking a while to heal. Just hang in there and know that it does get better.
Author an_also Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 I've noticed that I really think about my ex when i get stressed out with work etc. I feel like i need her when i get stressed. Sometimes it feels like I won't be able to love anyone else as much as her. and I think I've developed anxiety after the breakup. Started therapy last week. Hopefully it helps. How do you know if you've reached the acceptance stage for good?
fixing Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 If this is your first heartbreak then its bound to be very painful. You know you have accepted and moved on from her when you couldnt care less if she sent you a message... Its quite natural for you to be feeling so low after losing someone so close. But it all gets better when enough time passes and you stay no contact. If you can, you should start dating alot of girls just to give you a better perspective of life. You 100% will fall in love again, it will be different and probably better than the first! Just know, that this is not your fault. So love yourself and look after number 1 for now
lovecomesandgoes Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Hey, let it go, long distance never works anyway. She did you a favour b/c you probably would've never had the guts and heart to break it off with her. It is the best decision in the long run. Easier said than done, I once loved a guy so much that I never minded any of his flaws! He was my best friend, confidant, my other half, you name it. We had amazing chemistry and connection, we would finish each other's jokes and sentences and always though the exact same thing at the same time. Even when we fought it felt great b/c saying sorry to each other after and hugging it out felt so great. Even after almost a year of dating, him texting me a simple "hii" during the day totally lights me up. We fought weekly over petty things, I cried a lot, but did I care? Hell no! But then things REALLY went south, we had a typical fight (me nagging, him yelling, blahblahblah) came to see me, he huffed and puffed in frustration and I tried to be nice, but I got fed up. He ended up dropping me home b/c the movie we wanted to see was sold out, I left simply saying "I hope you feel better" he crazily drove off and I decided to leave him alone. After a few days I realized that maybe he does adore me to the max, but his little tantrums are starting to become hard to handle. Not b/c I have to deal with them, but b/c they hurt me, and I take them quite personally. I came to the conclusion that if someone truly loves you so much, they would not easily huff and puff and think everything will be okay, they should know that when you kick the dog too much, the dog doesn't run back anymore. They would not risk doing that constantly knowing they might lose you for good, but hey, we live and we learn. Moral of my story: sometimes it is SO hard to let go, and as depressing as it is, we all have to keep our minds clear and just get on with life. Relationship takes two, and if one isn't co-operating, you are out of luck.
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