Author Michellinda Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Downtown, I just have to say this to you, you write so eloquently and it is so easy to see how well read and intelligent you are. Thank you for taking the time out to reply. 3
Author Michellinda Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Downtown: I have a few questions for you. Here is the recent story. Since the last time I was here he didnt contact me but I saw him trying to send little signs on facebook to me. I ignored them. On Thanksgiving he deleted me off of Facebook so I did reach out. He told me he deleted me because with all the posts from my friends it was making him furious that I seemed to be doing fine. I havent contacted him and he was so hurt. I told him I wasnt fine. (I still had stuff of mine at his apartment) Anyway we agreed to meet so I could get my things. During the weekend this woman that we both know gave me her apartment to cat sit (she also gave him a set of keys but told him I would be staying there). Friday night I arrive with friends and he's there at first he seemed happy to see me but then saw my friends and changed into his usual angry self. He was there with his friend and was drinking and smoking pot. He told me his parents were in town and he didnt want to be with them and that is why he came to the apartment Anyway that night we end up staying there together and all night he seems like his old self but in the morning he's raging why did you stay here? what do you want from me? Making me feel horrible. I tell him that Im going back there later so I think he would leave when i return Saturday night he is there sleeping in the room so this time I leave because of the way he reacted that morning. Suddenly in the am I get all these nasty texts like you dont care about me etc. He starts trying to bait me I dont let him throughout Sunday night and Monday he keeps texting nasty things and I respond saying I am not angry at you I care about you etc. I see him Monday night and we speak and I feel like at one point I got through to him. He is sitting there drinking scotch and calling his dealer for pot while he is telling me how he hates his life and he is cutting his parents off (his mother told me he ignored them the whole weekend) he said he is so messed up and doesnt know what to do. I cry and tell him I love him and want to help him and he seems to listen. When we part ways he sends me a text stating he was so glad to see me and thank you for listening to him and apologizing that his life is a mess and he is happy that I opened up to him so Im thinking progress then yesterday when I reach out to him again he is cold and responding one word answers. I stop texting and havent heard anything since. Please tell me what to do. Why do I feel so completely broken? What does he want me to chase him? or should I just leave him alone? I am tired and I think he already is talking to a new girl he met on November 21 (I did look at his phone) I also saw his mother text him why are you pushing us away? When I spoke to his sister and brother in law they said they were so sad about it but that he is a deeply complicated person and the sooner I move on the better. Please give me your thoughts and tell me was your wife like this???
Author Michellinda Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 I feel like Im a bad person if Im not there for him but I feel like Im doing all the chasing. He would always pursue me. I know he is sick but I dont know what to do.
deponie12 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 There is only one thing you need to do. That is NO CONTACT. This is a vicious cycle you are going through with him, you are allowing this to happen. No contact works, block his texts, block anyway he can get in touch with you. I too was in this same situation for three LONG years..... I am now free- you can do this!!!! Stay strong! We can not change these type of men, they need to change themselves, and from what I heard the chances of them ever changing is zero to none. Book suggestions: "Woman who love too much" "The No Contact Rule" "How to break an addiction to a person" all GREAT books that have helped me. Hugs to you!!! 2
Crila16 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 He's in his late 20's. A lot of them act this way. A lot of them act this way at 40 yrs old. Age is irrelevant. He's extremely emotionally immature. He's a lot of work and a huge headache. Yeah...you can deal with it now, sorta. But what about 10 yrs from now when the funny feeling fades? You wouldn't accept this abuse from a female friend, why would you except it from a man, just because he has the man bits we women like. there are plenty of other, nice and attractive men who will treat you right with those man bits. I'd walk away and NC. Not to hurt him, but just so you can heal. Be your own mother to your inner child. What would you tell your daughter if she was dating someone like this? You'd want to knock him out. 1
TanTry Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Hi I am really sorry that you are going through this Just wanted to post to let you know that you are not alone, I am in the same boat I miss my ex too...a lot Im sorry about what happened at the house, I suggest you go NC from now. Do not let him hurt you again, continue going to the gym and posting here I would just like to say though to Downtown that I think its slightly bad to label someone with a disorder if you dont know them, I know a person with BPD and they are very kind etc, they are the opposite of some of the qualities you mentioned so It worries me to see someone tar everyone with one brush Also as you say alot of people can show traits of BPD at some point There is no way to tell if he has it so I think giving advice based on the assumption he has can be detrimental (just my view) I would say to stuck to the facts of what we know, he has been emotionally abusive and controlling. Stay strong xx 1
Downtown Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Please tell me what to do. ...should I just leave him alone?Michellinda, I offer the same advice I gave you three weeks ago. This is the same advice every respondent in this thread has given. Specifically, my 11/12 post states: I join the other respondents in recommending that you stay away from this young man. If you find yourself being sucked back into that toxic relationship, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two on your own -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. Why do I feel so completely broken?If your Ex has strong BPD traits as you believe, that is exactly how you should be feeling after trying to save the toxic relationship for seven months. As I noted earlier, BPD is the most notorious mental disorder (among 157 listed in DSM-5) for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. It is very disorienting and confusing to be in love with a person who flips in seconds between adoring you to devaluing you.Please give me your thoughts and tell me was your wife like this??? Yes. My exW exhibited the same types of behaviors you are describing. Emotionally unstable people can be in touch with their love for you and then, in a few seconds, suddenly be in touch with only their disdain for you. 2
Downtown Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I would just like to say though to Downtown that I think its slightly bad to label someone with a disorder if you dont know them....TanTry, we both agree on that. As I said in post #29 above, "At issue is whether he has most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs." It worries me to see someone tar everyone with one brush.TanTry, I've not seen any respondent on this thread do that. If you've found such a statement, please quote it -- as I am doing here with two of your sentences -- so we can see that you are responding to a statement that someone actually made in this thread. 2
Author Michellinda Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Thank you all for the replies. I have never felt so awful after a break up. I feel like I cannot breathe and like someone hit me in the head. I am not contacting him anymore and doing exactly what you all suggest. To the readers he exhibits most of the borderline traits so this is why I feel he may have it. Even talks about ending his life. When he's fine he's happy but then could change in a flash and then he is this awful angry cold person. The reality is borderline or not he has emotionally abused me and I have to find out why I am so heartbroken over losing him. I can't breathe. I have been going to the gym every day and have lost weight so that is the upside. I signed up for an art class after work tonight. Everyone, I just want to be happy. I dont want to be down like this. I dont want to be a victim. I need to love myself and youre right if someone was doing this to my sister or if I had a daughter I would go ballistic on them so why am I allowing this child because that is what he is make me crazy. He broke me down that I feel like a worthless insecure idiot. I am crying when I am writing this. I am now scared of men. I feel like I was used. He even involved our families. I am so angry too and usually I am the happiest most bubbly person around. I just want to be me again. Thank you all for your responses and I am sticking to NC. 1
Author Michellinda Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Thank you all for the replies. I have never felt so awful after a break up. I feel like I cannot breathe and like someone hit me in the head. I am not contacting him anymore and doing exactly what you all suggest. To the readers he exhibits most of the borderline traits so this is why I feel he may have it. Even talks about ending his life. When he's fine he's happy but then could change in a flash and then he is this awful angry cold person. The reality is borderline or not he has emotionally abused me and I have to find out why I am so heartbroken over losing him. I can't breathe. I have been going to the gym every day and have lost weight so that is the upside. I signed up for an art class after work tonight. Everyone, I just want to be happy. I dont want to be down like this. I dont want to be a victim. I need to love myself and youre right if someone was doing this to my sister or if I had a daughter I would go ballistic on them so why am I allowing this child because that is what he is make me crazy? He broke me down that I feel like a worthless insecure idiot. I am crying when I am writing this. I am now scared of men. I feel like I was used. He even involved our families. I am so angry too and usually I am the happiest most bubbly person around. I just want to be me again. Thank you all for your responses and I am sticking to NC.
lovecomesandgoes Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 I'm in almost the exact same boat It's funny b/c with mine, I started off being the really crazy one since he was the one chasing after me, and I would often throw temper tantrums, yell at him, and breaking up at any sign of trouble. Until one day he was diagnosed with some health issues (it's under control now) and I started another fight, he tried to break up with me and said I stressed him out and wasn't helping with his health issues. A light bulb went off in my head and I felt extremely terrible and seeing him drive off made me SO sad my heart shattered into pieces, I quickly called him back after an hour apologizing b/c I really really adored him. Over the next few months I have made some serious personal changes and have improved my temper tremendously. I became very patient with him b/c getting a taste of losing him really sucked, but this time around he started acting up with me. Sometimes he would not act up for a good 2 weeks, sometimes he would just get super mad 2-3 times a week. Yes I do frustrate him with my nagging, but he was starting to do it so much it really hurt me. When he gets angry he turns into a different person, says mean things to me and apologizes after. Few times though, he gave me the silent treatment for DAYS after a fight that was clearly his fault, I never thought of this as emotional abuse b/c 90% of the time he apologizes and I do know that a lot of times he feels terrible and calls himself an idiot, I want to help him, but don't know how I wish he realizes what I realized, and learn to control his temper b/c one day it might drive the person you love far, far away. Us women...we are so loving. Lol. 1
Author Michellinda Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Hello everyone! Have been sticking to nc and everyday I feel stronger and happier. Yes I do get down and miss him but i now realize it's not him I miss it's what he pretended to be. I feel more pain not being with his dog than with him. I went to codependent meeting and this helped. I am focusing on myself and trying to fall in love with myself so I don't get into another toxic relationship. Thank you all for your replies and advice. I wish all of you love and happiness because we all are wonderful people and deserve only the best.
Downtown Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Michellinda, thanks for returning to let us know you are doing so well in your recovery. You are making wonderful progress. There is nothing wrong with continuing to have some love and good feelings toward an Ex who, for nearly a year, was an important part of your life -- as long as you continue to maintain NC long enough to have time to heal. It's a good sign, IMO, that you are feeling a greater sense of loss in being without your dog than being without your Ex. Your relationship with the dog was not toxic. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a great NYE!
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