sleepy1 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I'm 23, my partner is 24. We've been together for 18 months. My partner got his license about 3 months ago. Before that time, I would drive him around. Usually I would just pick him up to go out with him, but occasionally, I'd help him run errands. So, when he got a car, I was happy for him (and relieved I wouldn't need to drive him around anymore!). Last week, he got pulled over for speeding on his way home from my house and received a ticket with a hefty fine (because he lives out of state). He is now refusing to drive to my house and instead wants me to pick him up and drop him off on the same day. He presented reasons to me, which I debunked each one by one quickly, which got him angry. First, he said if he goes over 6 points, his license would be taken away. I researched and found out that it is far from the truth. Next, he said he doesn't want to get pulled over again because his insurance will go up. That doesn't make sense to me, since he drives 250 miles a week to and from work and driving to my house and back is about 40 miles. He has much more of chance getting pulled over on his way to work than driving to my house. Then, he says he's just tired of driving, tired in general from being overworked and his reasons get fuzzy from that point on. He thinks I should drive him to my house because I don't work as much as him and have more free time. He goes to school and works full time. He is tired and blames being tired for him getting pulled over last week. Before anyone asks, we both live at our parents houses. He has yet to introduce me to his family so if I drive to his town, we can't be intimate because I can't come in to the house when his parents are home. We also only have time to see each other about twice a week. My stance is that if he has means of transporting himself, he should be able to drive to my house. I feel that he is not acknowledging that he needs to work on his driving and on ways to be more alert on the road. Also the fact that I drove him around for a year. Deep down, I feel like he isn't budging because he wants to maintain control. It got to the point in the conversation that he just blurted out that "he just doesn't want to drive to my house". And of course, things from the past were brought up - my negative qualities that he's had to suck up and deal with. One thing I want to make clear is that I have no problem driving to his part of the woods. We just can't go inside his house and can't be close to one another, which is why my house is preferred. I told him I have no problem if he tells me that he's too tired to hang. I know he's busy and gets tired. Again, my issue is the absurdity of driving to his house to pick him up when he has means of transportation. I've talked to several people about this and they told me not to do it. I'm looking for an unbiased opinion. Granted he is a lot busier than me and claims to be tired, but I can't get passed feeling like I'm being jerked around.
Philosoraptor Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Sorry, he seems like a loser. He makes excuses when really all he needs to do is obey the law. He does seem to want to be a bit controlling here. Exactly what are you gaining from this relationship with the man who won't come to see you and hides you from his family? 10
stillafool Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 What a wuss! He's just now getting a drivers license at 24. I got mine at 15. Good grief, that alone would make me now want him. Get a real man.
FitChick Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Take turns on alternate weeks, which means he will only have to drive twice a month. If that is too much for him, tell him you can see each other twice a month, which means he will only have to drive once a month. Depends on how often he wants sex. 2
soccerrprp Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 His excuses are just that- excuses. Not good ones either. He's "jerking" you around and being selfish, needless to say.
emva07 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 what I take from all of this is.....he is not that into you. 2
cactusgal Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 How is he your "partner" if you've only been together 18 months, are in your early 20s, AND you've never met his family and you don't live together?? If he was really into you, he'd drive hours to see you. He's not. Move on. Sorry
pteromom Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 IFirst, he said if he goes over 6 points, his license would be taken away. I researched and found out that it is far from the truth. Next, he said he doesn't want to get pulled over again because his insurance will go up. Both of these are stupid reasons. He can just NOT SPEED, and that solves both those issues. Then, he says he's just tired of driving, tired in general from being overworked and his reasons get fuzzy from that point on. OK - so find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe he can drive to your place on his day off, and you can drive to his during the week. He has yet to introduce me to his family so if I drive to his town, we can't be intimate because I can't come in to the house when his parents are home. After 18 months, you haven't met his family?!?!??!?! Why?!?!!? Granted he is a lot busier than me and claims to be tired, but I can't get passed feeling like I'm being jerked around. I get that feeling too, man. All you are asking is that he is willing to put as much effort into seeing you as you are willing to put into seeing him. That's not unreasonable. 1
Zezima Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Maybe he doesn't like driving to your house because he has to drive on a busy road, or do something in terms of driving that he is scared of doing. He just doesn't want to admit it. Think about it, he got his license in his 20s which was very recently, chances are he didn't want to drive when he was younger because of anxiety.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 In all my years of dating, I've never once had to drive to the guy (unless I wanted to). I agree that he sounds like a lazy loser who's not that into you. 1
Dark_history Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 The real issue here should be why you haven't met his family yet. 2
Author sleepy1 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Thanks for the replies. An update: He did apologize after we had our long winded conversation. Though, the issue has not been resolved STILL because he didn't say he was doing one thing or the other. I just feel so frustrated. He is saying that I'm not seeing his perspective. I feel like I do, but it's skewed and it's him who's not seeing the absurdity of it. What a wuss! He's just now getting a drivers license at 24. I got mine at 15. Good grief, that alone would make me now want him. Get a real man. He wasn't able to attain a car because of financial reasons. His parents somewhat rely on him financially. He is a hard worker. The real issue here should be why you haven't met his family yet. My boyfriend is Peruvian and according to him, you are not introduced to the parents until a marriage is in order. He says that his parents may not be accepting of me, either. That said, that is another ongoing saga within our relationship.
Leigh 87 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I showed my mum this thread. She's in her late 50's... She laughed; not in a mean way, but she was baffled as to wh on earth you are actually bothering with this guy. My ex is a was a bonehead boyfriend. And he did more in a month than your bf did in a YEAR. Showed me to his dad within a week or two, his best friends within a moth or so.... My ex was a JERK. And you're ex isn't even sounding like he puts as much effort in as my jerk bf...... PLEASE go and find a guy who will drive to be with you, and introduce you to his family and friends. This guy is not that into you. WHen he meets a girl he is nuts about, he will make the effort. Please do not settle for less than a guy who is crazy about you. 1
Author sleepy1 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 ^^Thanks for the response. I see where you're coming from, although I should mention that we are both guys. I think that why he is having trouble introducing me to his mom and dad. His mom even knows of me (knows when he goes out with me, telling my boyfriend to say hi to me on the phone!) I think he is insecure in that regard. I decided not to pressure him about it when we first started going out, but I feel like we're going to need to have a discussion about THAT eventually. Sometimes I do feel like he's using me. One time, he wanted me to go to a seminar that incoming nursing students were required to go to and sign in AS HIM because he needed the money working. I refused. He came back at me by accusing me of not being supportive and not "helping him out". But then I think of all the times I was rotten to him, I feel like I "owe him", so to speak - and he has apologized to me when he did something he know wasn't right. Also, he does work really hard to support himself and his family and I need to say that I am the opposite - my dad supporting me, as I'm going to school and working part time.
todreaminblue Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 What a wuss! He's just now getting a drivers license at 24. I got mine at 15. Good grief, that alone would make me now want him. Get a real man. I am. 44 have never held a licence I did actually hold a learners which I used for photo Identification i aced the written test....but me and cars don't mix.....there are reasons people drive later rather than sooner none of them are wussy......deb 1
crederer Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 So he's incapable of driving the speed limit? Also, you've been together a year and a half and not met the parents? Lol what is happening to our hood?
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Let me give you a little guidance. Loveshack has taught me very well over the years, I am not exactly a dating genius myself, however: A guy who is really into you will: - introduce you to his family and friends within a month or less; once he thinks it could be going somewhere. - he will go out of his way for you. An example: there is a guy who is crazy about me but who, sadly, I do not have romantic feelings for. Anyways. Within the month we have met, he drives two hours to see me, hr drives me BACK the two hours if I need him to, he goes OUT OF HIS WAY to plan his weekends around me if I choose to see him then, he drives hours for me, he buys things for me and he just goes above and beyond in every way. Another guy I know is picking me up from the airport when I arrive home, since I am overseas atm. I have met him once. He lives a good 2 hours from Sydney International Airport. He also knows he is not getting sex out of it. Bottom line is: if a person is into you they will go above and beyond for you. They will move mountains for you. No, they will not withstand crap and bad treatement from you for years or even months, but INITIALLY they will do pretty much ANYTHING just to be with you. ........................................ My ex was lazy too, but he has met a perfect 10 model who cares for the disabled now. Meaning - I am certain he will move mountains for her, more so in the 2 months they have been dating than he EVER did for me in over 3 YEARS. If a "lazy" guy meets the right person, he will always move mountains for them. Even if their exes just thought he was " too lazy" to do anything nice for them. Naha, they just weren't that into us! I am really sorry you are going through this. I HIGHLY reccommend you cut contact and get over him. I wish I had done it a little sooner with my ex! 1
pteromom Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 ^^Thanks for the response. I see where you're coming from, although I should mention that we are both guys. I think that why he is having trouble introducing me to his mom and dad. Is he out to his parents? If not, this is a whole 'nother issue. 1
Author sleepy1 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Is he out to his parents? If not, this is a whole 'nother issue. Somewhat? He never gave me a definite answer on this. he also says his parent's opinions can sway, from time to time. My opinion is that it's his self-consciousness. The parents know OF me since he refers to me when he's on the phone talking to his mom and tells her he's hanging with me. I don't think HE'S conformtable putting the nail in the coffin and introducing me to his family as his boyfriend
regine_phalange Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 At first I thought he has a driving phobia, but then you mentioned that he drives to his work, so this is not the case. Relationships should be mutual. And also he should not take for granted your generosity of driving him around.
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