My girlfriend is emotionally unstable

[counterman]

So I have been in a relationship with this girl for 3 months. Things were slow for the first month but have been moving quickly over the last couple of months. I've met her family and she has met mine (nothing too serious!). And, I have slept over her house and she's slept over mine. Things have been pretty happy, except for the occasion where she is emotionally unstable.

 

I knew her past heading into this relationship. Over the past year, she's had a couple of bad relationships and she was hurt badly. She's still dealing with learning to trust again. She recently told me that she finds it hard to deal with being close to me sometimes and this causes her enormous anxiety. When she is this way, she doesn't want me to touch her at all. I feel hurt at times because it's usually very sudden when it happens. When I express that I am upset or hurt, she tells me that she can't deal with me being upset while she is. She told me that in her past relationships, she use to have to put aside her feelings to comfort her ex-boyfriends... I understand she wants me to be stable and strong for her, but I find it hard sometimes because I can't help how I feel and when I'm upset, it's hard for me now to show it. I have every right to feel the way I feel, whether it be upset or angry.

 

I try my best to comfort her, but it is incredibly hard when I feel like I'm the reason she is upset. She has tried explaining it to me that she doesn't mean to have a go at me, and it's just her dealing with her own issues with her past. Although she wanted to take things slower, we are where we at now and there's nothing we can do about it. She says she just wants me to understand that it is hard for her to deal with sometimes, being close to me. I'm trying so hard.

 

When we first started dating, she said she wanted to take things slower and that she didn't want a relationship. However, she said she liked me and took a chance on me. I know I am nothing like her past boyfriends and I know she tells me things about them to let me know that she hopes I'm not like them.

 

She doesn't seem that emotionally stable, but she says she's working through things.

 

Can this relationship work? What advice can you give that will help make things better?

[NJtoDC]

She's still dealing with learning to trust again. She recently told me that she finds it hard to deal with being close to me sometimes and this causes her enormous anxiety. When she is this way, she doesn't want me to touch her at all. I feel hurt at times because it's usually very sudden when it happens. When I express that I am upset or hurt, she tells me that she can't deal with me being upset while she is.

 

So you are paying for her struggle to get over what she sees as trust issues in the past? First, are we sure her trust was abused in the past as apposed to her being anxious and paranoid?

 

As far as it affects you, is there any legitimate circumstance between you that justifies her enormous anxiety? If she is over the top and pulling troubles out of thin air with you, it could be a her and not her ex's causing the problems. Perhaps a pattern. I don't know, just a thought.

 

How does that anxiety play out between you two? Are you actually happy in this relationship? Do you want something that will progress to a loving, committed, peaceful long term marriage? A future mother to your children? She says she doesn't want a relationship. Do you really want to have to try this hard to compensate for her issues? What do you get for your troubles?

 

Good luck!

[heartshaped]

I would take a step back if I were you.

 

It's okay for her to be upset and struggle with emotional intimacy, but it's not okay for her to belittle your feelings on the matter or take out her own issues on you.

[salparadise]

When she is this way, she doesn't want me to touch her at all. I feel hurt at times because it's usually very sudden when it happens. When I express that I am upset or hurt, she tells me that she can't deal with me being upset while she is.

 

I find it hard sometimes because I can't help how I feel and when I'm upset, it's hard for me not to show it. I have every right to feel the way I feel, whether it be upset or angry.

 

She has tried explaining it to me that she doesn't mean to have a go at me, and it's just her dealing with her own issues with her past.

 

Well, at least she's not projecting it directly onto you and making you responsible for her feelings at this early stage, but my guess is that it eventually will happen. She may have had dysfunctional relationships recently but that's not where this is coming from. The sudden changes are called splitting. A part of her was separated or split off during early development as a means of protecting her psyche from unbearable pain due to childhood trauma. When this stuff creeps back into her consciousness she splits, or goes into a sort of crisis mode.

 

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it's deeply seated and I think you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg due to the newness of the relationship. I'm surprised she's not able to suppress it at only three months in. She needs to get into therapy to try to resolve the issues rather than laying out ground rules for how you're expected to feel and behave. In fact, being forced to shut her feelings and behave in a certain way is likely to be related to the etiology of her issues.

 

I won't tell you what to do, but I will say that it's likely to get worse before it gets better, and the odds of it going away are low. It's not a brief therapy problem. Relationships are typically codependent and stormy. Partners will feel compassion and want to help them heal, but ultimately become enmeshed and the object of massive projection. Sorry this is not better news.

[counterman]

NJtoDC, I am paying for her struggles to get over her past. I know she was cheated on in one of her past relationships and this really threw her into disarray as she was ready to move in with this guy. But as for anxious and being paranoid, there is perhaps some of that. I mean, things seemingly go well and then all of a sudden, she's very moody and upset.

 

As objectively as possible, I could say I have been a very understanding boyfriend. There really is nothing with me that justifies her anxiety; it is her issues, though they are sometimes projected onto me. It seems that when things go well, one of these moments appear suddenly. It always takes me by surprise.

 

What usually happens is, she will be upset and I will try to console her. It's hard to console someone who dismisses almost everything you have to say, but I try my best. I give her some space and then she comes back and apologises. And then its back to normal again. I would still be rocked by the whole incident because I feel nothing has been solved. But when I bring it up again, she says she can't handle going through it again. I feel annoyed that we can't even discuss it.

 

I am happy in the relationship, except when these moments happen. As for marriage and whatnot, I hadn't really thought about it. I'm still in my early 20s. She does want a relationship with me. Ideally, she wanted it when she was completely ready. Circumstances have dictated otherwise, so I guess she has to deal with it as it is. What do I get for my troubles? I really don't know.

 

heartshaped, that's what hurts me the most - that she belittles my feelings. She has every right to feel the way she does, as do I. I don't want her to put aside her feelings for mine but rather just recognise that I get upset too. She's so caught up with how she's feeling that I am sometimes reluctant to share how I feel because it might make matters worse.

 

salparadise, she's had a rough childhood, with her parents getting divorced. Her father had a violent temper. Though he didn't physically abuse her, he sometimes would verbalise his anger. I would say that this contributes with the way she deals with matters. In one of her recent past relationships, she discovered that her ex-boyfriend had cheated on her repeatedly and then broke up with her via text message.

 

She was able to suppress it a month into the relationship, but the cracks started to show when she would all of a sudden go quiet. It wasn't until a 6 weeks or so in, she showed all of this.

 

That's what I am fearing. That she will project all this onto me. I'm trying my best to be as compassionate and understanding as I am but at the moment, I am not feeling any reciprocation.

 

I really want to bring up matter in a calm way, but I have every feeling that she will enter one of these moods if I do. There has got to be a way for us to both communicate how we're feeling. At the moment, this is ruining our relationship.

[FitChick]

Tell her you want to take a break until she gets her act together. Deep down she believes all men are the same and they will eventually hurt her. If they don't, she sabotages the relationship like she's doing with you. Nothing to do with you. She needs some type of therapy.

Edited November 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingDeadGrl]

It doesn't sound like she should even be in a relationship right now. She is still dealing with past hurt and that is something that should be dealt with before getting into another serious relationship.

You can't always heal completely from trust issues, but taking time in between relationships is crucial to your well being, as well it will benefit any future relationship you may have...

I would take a step back and tell her you think it's best she deals with her issues before you can continue. It's really not fair to you to have to deal with the baggage of her past relationships.

[counterman]

I think that's what she wanted, to take time for herself to heal. But then I came along. I don't think she's ready for a relationship too. I don't want to break up with her but I think she does need to heal on her own. I can bring up having a break... But how would that work? Would I see her less or not at all? How often should we contact each other?

[carhill]

I can bring up having a break... But how would that work?

You break contact.

Would I see her less or not at all?

Not at all

How often should we contact each other?

She can contact you as she pleases if/when her issues are resolved. If the timing is mutually advantageous, you can explore the option of dating/a relationship at that time, and it will be a new experience, as you'll both have changed in the interim.

 

This is something you can't 'fix'. Accept it and move on. It's OK to love someone and let them go. Good luck

[Stellar Wench]

So I have been in a relationship with this girl for 3 months. Things were slow for the first month but have been moving quickly over the last couple of months. I've met her family and she has met mine (nothing too serious!). And, I have slept over her house and she's slept over mine. Things have been pretty happy, except for the occasion where she is emotionally unstable.

 

I knew her past heading into this relationship. Over the past year, she's had a couple of bad relationships and she was hurt badly. She's still dealing with learning to trust again. She recently told me that she finds it hard to deal with being close to me sometimes and this causes her enormous anxiety. When she is this way, she doesn't want me to touch her at all. I feel hurt at times because it's usually very sudden when it happens. When I express that I am upset or hurt, she tells me that she can't deal with me being upset while she is. She told me that in her past relationships, she use to have to put aside her feelings to comfort her ex-boyfriends... I understand she wants me to be stable and strong for her, but I find it hard sometimes because I can't help how I feel and when I'm upset, it's hard for me now to show it. I have every right to feel the way I feel, whether it be upset or angry.

 

I try my best to comfort her, but it is incredibly hard when I feel like I'm the reason she is upset. She has tried explaining it to me that she doesn't mean to have a go at me, and it's just her dealing with her own issues with her past. Although she wanted to take things slower, we are where we at now and there's nothing we can do about it. She says she just wants me to understand that it is hard for her to deal with sometimes, being close to me. I'm trying so hard.

 

When we first started dating, she said she wanted to take things slower and that she didn't want a relationship. However, she said she liked me and took a chance on me. I know I am nothing like her past boyfriends and I know she tells me things about them to let me know that she hopes I'm not like them.

 

She doesn't seem that emotionally stable, but she says she's working through things.

 

Can this relationship work? What advice can you give that will help make things better?

the sex is great though right? Crazy chicks are usually great in bed. Enjoy what you can and then dump her. It'll never work out long term. Sadly, this poor girl will get passed around until she gets her sh*t straight. It's not up to you to straighten it out for her, so enjoy the ride while it's hot.

[salparadise]

Ok counterman, due to your young age and my familiarity with this I'm going save you a potential lifetime of misery and to jump to the conclusion. It's borderline personality disorder (google). If she was only able to suppress it for a month, and it's this bad at three months, you probably haven't seen anything close to the full expression. I wouldn't usually make such a declarative statement (I'm not a psychologist), but I know this pattern all too well.

 

Understand, this is not something she can just decide to change, it's not a matter of her understanding that you're entitled to your feelings. There is a lot more to it and you haven't even seen the half of it. I knew before you even said so that she'd had a rough childhood. That's the etiology (along with biological susceptibility). It was not caused by the previous boyfriend. It comes from significant dysfunction in the relationship with the primary caregiver(s) during early childhood.

 

Unfortunately, you can't do anything for her but wish her well and extricate yourself for your own sanity. Once we understand what's going on we feel a lot of compassion but the potential for a healthy relationship simply is not there. Sacrificing yourself is not a cure for her regardless, so there is only one reasonable choice. Sorry man.

[jba10582]

Well, at least she's not projecting it directly onto you and making you responsible for her feelings at this early stage, but my guess is that it eventually will happen. She may have had dysfunctional relationships recently but that's not where this is coming from. The sudden changes are called splitting. A part of her was separated or split off during early development as a means of protecting her psyche from unbearable pain due to childhood trauma. When this stuff creeps back into her consciousness she splits, or goes into a sort of crisis mode.

 

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it's deeply seated and I think you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg due to the newness of the relationship. I'm surprised she's not able to suppress it at only three months in. She needs to get into therapy to try to resolve the issues rather than laying out ground rules for how you're expected to feel and behave. In fact, being forced to shut her feelings and behave in a certain way is likely to be related to the etiology of her issues.

 

I won't tell you what to do, but I will say that it's likely to get worse before it gets better, and the odds of it going away are low. It's not a brief therapy problem. Relationships are typically codependent and stormy. Partners will feel compassion and want to help them heal, but ultimately become enmeshed and the object of massive projection. Sorry this is not better news.

 

I also feel like this is true. Early life experiences are deeply rooted in a person's behavior. You being understanding and staying calm and collected during emotional times are paramount to making this a successful relationship. You cannot fix her problems, let the emotional storm ride out and just be there for her when she needs it. Do not solve it for her. She doesn't need that, but rather needs to have her feelings validated with empathy. Let her do her own healing as her subconsious mind brings about past pain and experiences to the surface. Do not personalize it.

[bubbaganoosh]

I'm in no way making light if someone has emotional or psychological disorders and I want to make that clear but so many times I read these threads about how a guy gets in to a relationship with a girl who is somewhat unbalanced. From what I see, these guys think that their the Lone Ranger riding in on a white horse ready to save the damsel in distress from some mental issue and ride off in the sunset where in actual reality, their riding in to a buzz saw.

 

If she has issues and you notice them right off the bat, you have a choice to either get out of Dodge real fast or be prepared for a ton of heartache down the road.

 

I know about this. I went through it once with a girl who had every malady known to man and it got to the point that the more you try, the less they do, and you pay, and pay some more until there is no more to give.

 

Friend, maybe you should back off. It's only been a short time in this relationship. Find some one that is a bit more stable and be happy. You shouldn't have to shoulder someone else's troubles. The only way you can help her is by her wanting help and that help isn't from a boyfriend propping her up. It comes from a professional. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings. Just don't want to see you get saddled with someone else's problems.

[counterman]

carhill, thanks. I'm finding it hard to let go. Especially since I've said some things I cannot and don't want to take back. This sucks.

 

jba10582, that's the hard thing about all this, it's that I do personalise it. I know it has nothing to do with me and I've been trying hard to be understanding, but somehow I end up as the object of her issues. It's hard for me to stay calm and composed when she goes off emotionally. The highs are good but the lows are dreadful. Luckily there's been more highs than lows.

 

She says she has a lot to work through but I am really interested in knowing what she is actually doing to work through this. Rather than accept it as it is, she could surely address it.

 

What I find a bit confusing with all of this is that though she has been mistreated by her past boyfriends, she has never taken any responsibility for her actions. She made a choice to date these guys, full well knowing what she was getting herself into. Also, with regards to dating me, if she wanted things to go slower, she could have said something then and there... not wait until we're at this stage now and she brings it up in one big outburst.

 

salparadise, reading about borderline personality disorder, she does have some symptoms. You're right, I cannot sacrifice myself. I wish there was a way we could communicate and work through this. It simply cannot be that I have to stifle my feelings when she is like this and cop it. I'm trying to be strong and understanding but it's hard.

 

bubbaganoosh, no hurt feelings at all - what you say rings true. I certainly won't be able to help her; she needs to help herself.

 

I've decided to give it a couple of weeks, since this period wouldn't be the best time for her or myself, with her studies and work reading a hectic schedule. Meanwhile, we'll see how she responds to what has happened.

[crederer]

My ex had the same thing with the anxiety. It seemed to come out of the blue and then didn't want to be touched or looked at and just wanted to be left alone.

 

It's very hard to deal with. She wouldn't be abusive toward me but she would snap during and after the anxiety attacks and over the course of time I could see how it was really controlling her life.

 

She would avoid things or places where she had an anxiety attacks previously as a means of avoiding what she considered to be triggers. She dropped out of university while on the cusp of getting her masters (had an anxiety attack during a peer review), she distanced herself from friends whom she had an attack while with, plus a whole host of other things. She eventually had an anxiety attack while we were being intimate and then broke up with me 2 days later.

 

People that haven't experienced it don't know how serious these attacks are. When I tried talking to people about it they'd often dismiss it as though it was just normal every day stress and everyone has it and reacts poorly to it from time to time. But it's not like that at all. It's a true disorder. People that haven't seen it or experienced it have NO IDEA what it's actually like.

 

Just saying man, this is going to be a pretty crazy ride for you.

Edited November 13, 2013 by crederer