Yesterday Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Mikale7 Thanks for the update, Your dilema about her honesty is the question. I am sorry for your situation, but from what you have posted I don't believe she is being honest. Instead she is sorry she got caught. 1. A F**k buddy is not a ONS. 2. You don't ask "how is it hanging" to someone you only screwed once. Far too personal a statement, and far too disrespectful to you. This is far too familiar to be the only message between them. 3. She deleted the FB account rather than opening up her secrecy to you. This means she has something to hide, such as this was more than one night together. 4. She was only a couple of months in Hawaii after you transferred? So a sexual affair while preparing for her move of your home to So Cal? Was it at your home? 5. You worked with this guy as well? Likely their relationship evolved, not a ONS at all. 6. She disrespects you with a young man you work with too, wow? 7. She risked her family, friends, work associates, husband for this guy. In order to forgive her, if she is genuinely remorseful. You need her full disclosure and honesty for every detail you may want to hear from her. She isn't the person you originally married and trusted. She needs to provide full password access to all of her devices and accounts - no deletions allowed although it is likely too late. I truly am sorry for the situation she created for you. Be strong and talk this through. She won't be completely honest until you show her what she is about to lose.... you, her family and her friends. 1
Chi townD Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I agree with Yesterday about full disclosure. You might end up getting trickle truthed. Right now, she telling you it was a one night stand, then later you find out it was more than that. That brings you BACK to square one. Then, you find out she did things with him she never did with you. THAT brings you back to square one. Each new piece of information is like a new D Day all over again. Do you really want to continue to re-live this pain with each new piece of information you discover?
Try Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) No Drifter, I don't think it's any easier either way. But I think I could move on knowing she had been totally honest with me. Obviously I'm having some difficulty with her story based upon her Face Book message. That's why I was seeking other opinions here. I appreciate your thoughtful response. Based on just what you know, it cannot by definition be called a ONS. A ONS is purely something sexual that happens with no emotional feelings between the two, and then is over with them not communicating much afterwards. Even if you assume the unbelievable that they only had sex one time, the fact that they knew each other, and communicated with each other both before and afterwards, indicates at a minimum that this was an emotional affair (EA) that then also became physical. What you are getting is standard cheater trickle truth. In trickle truth, cheaters find out what you know and can prove, and then admit only the minimum based on that. They seem to think that the fact they have been lying up until then, is not important, and that everything that they say, even if it sounds unbelievable, must be taken by you as the undisputed truth. Common sense and logic will tell you that there was obviously more, but cheaters will look you in the eye and lie, and demand that only what they admit to be the sole bases of related discussions and decision going forward. Well I have news for you. You do not need the cheaters permission to use common sense and logic to draw your own conclusions based on the evidence. Ask yourself the following question. If this were a civil trial in a state where infidelity matters in the divorce settlement, and you were on a jury where what you know about this matter was submitted as evidence, would you base your award on a ONS or on a full on affair? What you know is strong enough evidence that in a murder trial, a full on affair would be assumed, so you are safe assuming this too. Edited November 13, 2013 by Try 1
Bryanp Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Clearly this was not a ONS. He was a **** buddy to her. You seem like a nice guy. I have a hunch that she knew since you were gone then she could get herself a lover and if caught you would end up forgiving her anyway so she had nothing to loose. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be so accepting and forgiving as you. You are being played and I think you know this. I would suggest the following: 1. Both of you get tested for STD's 2. Pay $500 for a polygraph 3. See an attorney to understand your options. She sounds like she is very remorseful.........for getting caught. She never would have told you the truth and would have continued to play you for a fool. 1
tom670 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Clearly this was not a ONS. He was a **** buddy to her. You seem like a nice guy. I have a hunch that she knew since you were gone then she could get herself a lover and if caught you would end up forgiving her anyway so she had nothing to loose. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be so accepting and forgiving as you. You are being played and I think you know this. I would suggest the following: 1. Both of you get tested for STD's 2. Pay $500 for a polygraph 3. See an attorney to understand your options. She sounds like she is very remorseful.........for getting caught. She never would have told you the truth and would have continued to play you for a fool. On top of this I would threaten her with a polygraph test you may get the rest of the story that way.
michelangelo Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Based on just what you know, it cannot by definition be called a ONS. A ONS is purely something sexual that happens with no emotional feelings between the two, and then is over with them not communicating much afterwards. Even if you assume the unbelievable that they only had sex one time, the fact that they knew each other, and communicated with each other both before and afterwards, indicates at a minimum that this was an emotional affair (EA) that then also became physical. What you are getting is standard cheater trickle truth. In trickle truth, cheaters find out what you know and can prove, and then admit only the minimum based on that. They seem to think that the fact they have been lying up until then, is not important, and that everything that they say, even if it sounds unbelievable, must be taken by you as the undisputed truth. Common sense and logic will tell you that there was obviously more, but cheaters will look you in the eye and lie, and demand that only what they admit to be the sole bases of related discussions and decision going forward. Well I have news for you. You do not need the cheaters permission to use common sense and logic to draw your own conclusions based on the evidence. Ask yourself the following question. If this were a civil trial in a state where infidelity matters in the divorce settlement, and you were on a jury where what you know about this matter was submitted as evidence, would you base your award on a ONS or on a full on affair? What you know is strong enough evidence that in a murder trial, a full on affair would be assumed, so you are safe assuming this too. Read the boldfaced quote over and over until it sinks in!
2sunny Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Take her today to get a polygraph. You need to understand the whole story. Since you require her truth - and she's not willing to offer ALL of it - get her to tke the test. But you already know - your gut tells you - you're just ignoring it. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I know I should err on the side of giving her the benefit of the doubtWhy do you "know" this? She ha proven herself capable of betraying you, why does she deserve the benefit of the doubt? Please don't be a door mat...find your balls and make her work to regain your trust. 1
2sunny Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 No Drifter, I don't think it's any easier either way. But I think I could move on knowing she had been totally honest with me. Obviously I'm having some difficulty with her story based upon her Face Book message. That's why I was seeking other opinions here. I appreciate your thoughtful response. But she wasn't honest. You had to discover it. I doubt she would have ever handed you the truth about this. So now you know she does what she wants as long as you won't find out...us that what you want in your marriage?
Darren Steez Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 F**k buddy is not a ONS. If she was there for months then they banged.. alot. There you go. Can you forgive that?
Snowflower Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Mikale, whether she physically cheated one time or a 100 times, it's all bad. I don't think you should get all wrapped up in the number of times. It is all ugly. It is certainly possible that she is telling you the truth and that she slept with him once. Only she will know what is the absolute truth. A pure ONS is more of a quick hook-up kind of situation. You know, the drunken encounter after meeting at a bar-type of scenario. Since she worked with him, it wasn't a pure ONS-even if it did happen one time. You need to figure out what you can deal with. Unfortunately, you will never know what is the real truth-whether it was 1 time or 100. Do you want to be in a relationship where you will never know for sure? 1
2sunny Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 No woman makes effort to communicate with a person that way IF they don't have ANY feelings about the other person. She was "thinking about him" enough to reach out and communicate with him. That's not a ONS and it's not a FB either. Both of these are void of ANY "feelings". She had enough feelings to make effort to reach out to him - she initiated dialog. What was her motive in initiating THAT dialog? She was intentional in wanting HIM to think about HER. Maybe she THOUGHT he would stroke her ego! Give her compliments? Say he missed her? There was a reason - she just may not tell you! Either way, she was looking TO her OM to provide HER some sort of validation.
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