Wife and Affair

[Mikale7]

I recently found out my Wife had an affair while she was in Hawaii and I in Southern Cali. I discovered this when I searched her Face Book messages. She referred to him as F***Buddy. My Wife is a beautiful petite Filipina and he was a much younger man. She assures me this was a one time occurrence and she has apologized for it.

 

My dilemma is whether I should accept the ONS story she's provided. I think it's difficult to put this past us if she is still untruthful. I know I should err on the side of giving her the benefit of the doubt but she has certainly damaged her credibility. Have any of you been in a similar situation and what did it take to restore your trust in your spouse?

 

M

[Confusedguy81]

Did you find out first and confront her about it or did she tell you straight up? If it's the former, I would be very cautious about her saying it won't happen again due to the fact that you basically caught her and she is trying to save herself. If she is straight up, then there is obvious guilt on her part and maybe consider counseling or something. Either way, it's hard to trust a cheater.

[Chi townD]

Unfortunately, this wasn't a ONS. A ONS is a fleeting one chance encounter. A drunken one time mistake with the mindset that you are never going to see that person again.

 

You don't exchange phone numbers or become facebook friends and carry on IM conversations with the person you cheated with. That's when the dynamic of the "ONS" changes into an affair.

[Mikale7]

Sorry for not being clear. I found out about her cheating on FaceBook and confronted her. This had actually occurred over a year ago and she had plenty of opportunities to come clean. She could not deny it due to overwhelming evidence that I possessed.

[Clay]

This is the worst kind of cheating aside of her just leaving you for the other man. The fact you had to figure this out yourself and you were never told. She was able to write about it in Facebook is clear she doesn't love you like you love her.

 

Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

 

If the answer is no on the first and not long on the second. I would ask for a separation. This is the time where you need to make it very clear to her that she is possibly on her way out the door for good. This kind of a betrayal is not just about ONS or just sex. She lied for a whole year and never told you anything. What else is she lieing about and how can you now trust anything that comes out of her mouth.

 

I would tell her you want no contact with her until you are ready to decide if you want to move forward or not. I know a lot of people may not agree with this even if she is really remorseful. If you don't put a end to this being an acceptable practice then you suffer longer.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. Might be time to consider moving on.

 

Clay

 

Remember your response to this will set the tone for how the rest of your marriage will go.

[michelangelo]

I recently found out my Wife had an affair while she was in Hawaii and I in Southern Cali. I discovered this when I searched her Face Book messages. She referred to him as F***Buddy. My Wife is a beautiful petite Filipina and he was a much younger man. She assures me this was a one time occurrence and she has apologized for it.

 

My dilemma is whether I should accept the ONS story she's provided. I think it's difficult to put this past us if she is still untruthful. I know I should err on the side of giving her the benefit of the doubt but she has certainly damaged her credibility. Have any of you been in a similar situation and what did it take to restore your trust in your spouse?

 

M

 

It would be a huge, huge mistake on your part to "err on the side of giving her the benefit of the doubt..."

 

Your wife has not just damaged her credibility, she's exploded it.

 

It is up to her to earn back any trust.

 

She has not done that yet.

[bubbaganoosh]

If you want to save the marriage then get her a polygraph test and find out if this was just one time. What she told you just might only be a small part of the truth. If she refuses the poly, then you know something else has happened and the only way your going to be able to salvage the marriage is by her coming completely clean.

 

Don't tell her when your taking her for the poly. Just load her up the day your taking her and fill her in on the way there. That way she has herself boxed in and no wiggle room. Remember, she was the one that cheated and the rust has been broken and without trust, your going to be looking over your shoulder through out the rest of your marriage. If she refuses, tell her it's either taking the polygraph test or your filing for divorce.

[harrybrown]

Has she written a no contact letter or email to the OM?

 

Has she given you all her passwords? Is she transparent and honest with you now?

 

Did she use protection? Has she been tested for stds?

 

Are you her backup plan or has she made you the number one and only one man in her life?

[beach]

Since/if you go easy on her - she will do it again.

 

Why are you so willing to forgive her so easily?

 

 

What consequences have you given her?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Sorry for not being clear. I found out about her cheating on FaceBook and confronted her. This had actually occurred over a year ago and she had plenty of opportunities to come clean. She could not deny it due to overwhelming evidence that I possessed.

 

ONS don't send Facebook messages. ONS don't leave behind overwhelming evidence. ONS are not referred to as F-buddy. F-buddy implies it is (was) an ongoing relationship with a "no strings attached" agreement.

 

She is only telling the bare minimum. It's a classic cheater response: admit to only what the betrayed spouse can prove.

 

There's more to the story.

 

Is she still "friends" with him on Facebook? If so, that will tell you a lot about how she feels about her "ONS".

[2sunny]

She risked your M to screw him...she must not think much of the commitment she made with you.

 

Has she had other opportunities to cheat that maybe you never found out about?

[2sunny]

And from you post in the other thread - she's done it multiple times. She seems very familiar with him - getting right to the sexual undertones.

 

She's screwed him many times. She also worked with him... She's had this ongoing.

[Lemonitaz]

I have to agree with Betrayed&Stayed that if she was using the term "F*** Buddy", that implies it was an ongoing mutually agreed situation.

 

She is not telling you the truth.

[Chi townD]

Sorry for not being clear. I found out about her cheating on FaceBook and confronted her. This had actually occurred over a year ago and she had plenty of opportunities to come clean. She could not deny it due to overwhelming evidence that I possessed.

 

 

Oh, I understood you clearly. And that doesn't change that this is an affair and NOT just a ONS. She went to Hawaii and screwed this guy and when she came back entered into an emotional affair (EA) with this dude for a year!

 

Bet you if this guy could have found a way to visit South Cali, she would have given you an excuse that she's staying the night at a friends house that's having trouble in her marriage, so she just going to stay with her and talk.

 

The only thing that stopped this going back to physical was distance.

[beach]

Oh, I understood you clearly. And that doesn't change that this is an affair and NOT just a ONS. She went to Hawaii and screwed this guy and when she came back entered into an emotional affair (EA) with this dude for a year!

 

Bet you if this guy could have found a way to visit South Cali, she would have given you an excuse that she's staying the night at a friends house that's having trouble in her marriage, so she just going to stay with her and talk.

 

The only thing that stopped this going back to physical was distance.

 

But his wife lived in Hawaii while he was in so cal working. She knew him from work (?).

 

She had ample time and opportunities to carry on an affair with her OM.

 

 

Why not kick her out and cut off all her access to joint money?

[Chi townD]

But his wife lived in Hawaii while he was in so cal working. She knew him from work (?).

 

She had ample time and opportunities to carry on an affair with her OM.

 

 

Why not kick her out and cut off all her access to joint money?

 

Not sure if you're right, I read as if she went on vacation to Hawaii. Not seeing where she actually lived there. But, I just re-read this thread and I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat and pieced together something interesting that I didn't see before.

 

In one of the emails, she refers to the guy as her f*ck buddy. Do you give a person that you've had a ONS the title of f*ck buddy? Nope!

 

That's usually a nickname you give to someone that is "friends with benefits". This wasn't a ONS, she's gone to bed with this guy several times.

 

Sorry, don't mean to stir up the hornets nest. But, that's how I see it.

[aliveagain]

Sorry did I miss something, was there another post with more information? I agree with those that think this is ongoing. Fu*k buddy is a relationship, a relationship with no strings attached, you call each other up anytime you want sex. Your each others booty call 24/7. Tell her you will give her one chance to to tell you the truth about this affair or any others, she will be required to take a polygraph and if any new information is discovered the lawyer you have on standby will file for divorce immediately. You might as well get to the real truth immediately so you don't wast one more moment with an remorseful cheater. If she refuse's, it's as good as a confession, you have your answer one way or another. If it turns out to be a ONS you will reconcile if she signs a post nuptial agreement. I don't think you have the truth from her, I will bet money her girlfriends know too. Expose other man immediately.

[beach]

His thread started on Oct 31st...

 

My Wife of 13 years Is a beautiful younger Filipina woman. I moved to Southern Cali while she remained in Hawaii due to a work obligation. I suspected that she may be cheating and checked her Facebook message page. I found a message from her to a much younger guy that she worked with in Hawaii. Her message was "Hey FB, How are they hanging?". His reply was "Not Bad =========>"

 

When I confronted her, she confessed and said it was just one time. However, is it common to use FB for a one time sexual affair? I appreciate any thoughts

 

M

 

No. I used to use the term F buddy ONLY with the guy I saw for ongoing, regular sex.

[Yesterday]

I recently found out my Wife had an affair while she was in Hawaii and I in Southern Cali. I discovered this when I searched her Face Book messages. She referred to him as F***Buddy. My Wife is a beautiful petite Filipina and he was a much younger man. She assures me this was a one time occurrence and she has apologized for it.

 

My dilemma is whether I should accept the ONS story she's provided. I think it's difficult to put this past us if she is still untruthful. I know I should err on the side of giving her the benefit of the doubt but she has certainly damaged her credibility. Have any of you been in a similar situation and what did it take to restore your trust in your spouse?

 

M

Mikale7

From this thread and your past threads....

 

You recently found out of this affair about 1 year ago, and you have been married 13 years? I assume your wife worked directly with this person in Hawaii? She continues to work with him still? Is he her boss, a co-worker a subordinate? Are they employed in the same office? How often does she interact with this guy at work? What age is your wife, and you?

 

I have the following questions for you,

 

1. How long have they been friends on FB.

2. Have there been other work situations where she could have been with him?

3. Her relationship on FB is a continuation of the affair, you should check all work related correspondence.

4. They have stepped over the line at work, and there is likely a risk for sexual harassment.

5. How long after their supposed ONS did they continue to communicate.

6. Do you have children?

7. How do you feel about your wife referring to a young OM as a F***Buddy? That term, states she and this co-worker have little respect for you. It is not a term used for a ONS mate.

 

I believe you need to find out a great deal about who your wife really is? Why she connected with a much younger guy, lied to you by omission for about one year and has like been lying to you about the real outcome of her affair. This is a very serious situation for you, you are about to realise a great deal of pain, anguish and remorse over the wife you thought you knew.

 

Failure for your wife to be agreeable in providing the details above, plus any other that you wish to ask, means that she is not over this affair and she isn't working on your marriage.

[beach]

She didn't intend to end it - and she didn't intend for you to find out.

 

What else does she hide?

 

If I'm married - and I don't trust based on evidence - I have no reason to be married.

[drifter777]

When my wife decided to blow up our marriage she had a ONS (by coincidence in Hawaii) with one guy and a two-week live in with another guy. I don't FEEL any real difference as far as the depth of the betrayal. Sure, a ONS is easier to rationalize, but its still just rationalization. To me the ONS was as disgusting, humiliating, and just as hurtful as the other case. But that's just me I suppose.

 

Is it somehow easier for you to live knowing she had a ONS rather than a longer or ongoing affair? Is it less of a betrayal?

[2sunny]

And nothing about any ONS or any affair is something you should accept! ACCEPT? Why would you consider accepting it? Like that's ok with you?

 

You should be flaming angry!

[tom670]

And nothing about any ONS or any affair is something you should accept! ACCEPT? Why would you consider accepting it? Like that's ok with you?

 

You should be flaming angry!

 

You should be finding this unacceptable.

 

There have to be consequences for her cheating just my opinion.

[Mikale7]

Mikale7

From this thread and your past threads....

 

You recently found out of this affair about 1 year ago, and you have been married 13 years? I assume your wife worked directly with this person in Hawaii? She continues to work with him still? Is he her boss, a co-worker a subordinate? Are they employed in the same office? How often does she interact with this guy at work? What age is your wife, and you?

 

I have the following questions for you,

 

1. How long have they been friends on FB.

2. Have there been other work situations where she could have been with him?

3. Her relationship on FB is a continuation of the affair, you should check all work related correspondence.

4. They have stepped over the line at work, and there is likely a risk for sexual harassment.

5. How long after their supposed ONS did they continue to communicate.

6. Do you have children?

7. How do you feel about your wife referring to a young OM as a F***Buddy? That term, states she and this co-worker have little respect for you. It is not a term used for a ONS mate.

 

I believe you need to find out a great deal about who your wife really is? Why she connected with a much younger guy, lied to you by omission for about one year and has like been lying to you about the real outcome of her affair. This is a very serious situation for you, you are about to realise a great deal of pain, anguish and remorse over the wife you thought you knew.

 

Failure for your wife to be agreeable in providing the details above, plus any other that you wish to ask, means that she is not over this affair and she isn't working on your marriage.

 

I had transferred to So Cal while my Wife remained behind in Hawaii for a couple of months due to her job. The infidelity was with a younger Man that she and I worked with in Oahu. When I confronted my Wife with with the Face Book message, she immediately closed the account so I may have lost other evidence but I couldn't refrain from confronting her. The Face Book message was about one month after the ONS She asked him how it was hanging and he replied not bad with =============> at the end of the message. Obviously I kept the message and have showed it to her.

 

She seems genuinely remorseful and this had occurred over a year prior to my discovery. We have no children together but from previous marriages-all grown now.

 

Michael

[Mikale7]

When my wife decided to blow up our marriage she had a ONS (by coincidence in Hawaii) with one guy and a two-week live in with another guy. I don't FEEL any real difference as far as the depth of the betrayal. Sure, a ONS is easier to rationalize, but its still just rationalization. To me the ONS was as disgusting, humiliating, and just as hurtful as the other case. But that's just me I suppose.

 

Is it somehow easier for you to live knowing she had a ONS rather than a longer or ongoing affair? Is it less of a betrayal?

 

No Drifter, I don't think it's any easier either way. But I think I could move on knowing she had been totally honest with me. Obviously I'm having some difficulty with her story based upon her Face Book message. That's why I was seeking other opinions here. I appreciate your thoughtful response.