I messed up

[Lee290]

Hi,

I have been with my bf for 2 years. He broke up with me almost 2 months ago, he said he needs space and our relationship got boring. First, i wanted him to give me another chance, but i gave up so we are on NC since our break up. He wanted us to stay friends but i refused, because i was hurt. Now, after all the time that passed i realized i made a huge mistake. I made him my priority in relationship, he was always on the first place for me, and i forgot to do things that makes me happy. I know he loved me very much, also he told me that when he broke up with me. But now i understand, he had to do it, because i thought i was happy but the truth is i wasn't, not because of him, but because of me.

I am thinking of breaking NC and tell him that i understand why he had to break up and everything. I know he is a great guy and i love him very much. But my perspective changed in these two months, and now i really see that I was the one who messed up big time. Do you think it's a good idea to contact him? I was thinking of being friends with him first, so that he will see that i really changed.

[TaraMaiden]

No.

 

He broke up with you.

And he gave you a reason.

 

He was bored and needed space.

It's not because he thought you were happy.

It's because HE wasn't.

 

If he wanted to reverse that reason, or it no longer applied, he would tell you.

 

It's up to the dumper to re-consider the decision, it's not up to the dumpee to search their own behavioural archives and plead, in essence, "I can change!"

 

Too little, too late.

 

Even if you were to convince him to re-visit the possibility of trying again, his heart wouldn't be in it, or he would be waiting for that boredom threshold to be reached.

 

It takes two to tango.

If it got 'boring' he's as much to blame as you might be.

 

Don't take this all on your own shoulders because you actually feel desperate to contact him, and are willing to shoulder the responsibility for what, apparently, went awry.

 

He lost interest.

It's over and done with.

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

 

Oh and.... Incidentally?

 

Good for you for not agreeing to the 'but let's be friends though' angle.

Bad move on his part.

[TaraMaiden]

And just to add, don't offer the hand of friendship now.

 

If you still 'love him very much' you can't be friends with someone you're pining over.

That's not honest friendship.

It's 'Friendship with a hidden agenda'. Because actually, friendship is part of the plan to get back under his skin....

 

Bad move on your part.

[Survivor12]

Hi,

I have been with my bf for 2 years. He broke up with me almost 2 months ago, he said he needs space and our relationship got boring. First, i wanted him to give me another chance, but i gave up so we are on NC since our break up. He wanted us to stay friends but i refused, because i was hurt. Now, after all the time that passed i realized i made a huge mistake. I made him my priority in relationship, he was always on the first place for me, and i forgot to do things that makes me happy. I know he loved me very much, also he told me that when he broke up with me. But now i understand, he had to do it, because i thought i was happy but the truth is i wasn't, not because of him, but because of me.

I am thinking of breaking NC and tell him that i understand why he had to break up and everything. I know he is a great guy and i love him very much. But my perspective changed in these two months, and now i really see that I was the one who messed up big time. Do you think it's a good idea to contact him? I was thinking of being friends with him first, so that he will see that i really changed.

 

--He broke up with you because he wasn't satisfied with the relationship.

--You tried to get him back, but he refused to get back together.

--After some time apart, you realize/convince yourself that YOU weren't happy

 

So, what exactly does your "change in perspective" have to do with HIS feelings? You didn't break up with him --he broke up with you and made it clear that he didn't want to get back together. Whether or not you were happy in the relationship had nothing to do with his decision.

 

Look, if he wanted you back, he would have let you know. Nothing has changed. Your "realization" is just your way of rationalizing the breakup and giving yourself a reason to believe that you have the power to change the outcome (i.e. We broke up not because he wanted to but because I messed up, therefore, if I "fix" myself, there is no reason we can't be together."), but what you're missing is that changing your perspective doesn't change his.

 

Don't contact him. If his perspective changes, he'll let you know. Until then, continue NC and take what you've learned to be happy in your next relationship.

[Lee290]

I now he broke up with me, but i think it was because the relationship lead nowhere, I know now it was right that he did it, none of us was happy, and the reason is me and my behaviour.

He wanted to stay in contacts, but i said no, so he probably won't contact me, and he also doesn't know that i changed..

[TaraMaiden]

If he doesn't know, he won't notice any change in you, having been separated from you.

 

You may think you've changed; this may be something you are telling yourself, in order to improve your chances of success with him, but realising change is necessary, and actually implementing that change - for the better, for yourself, your own benefit, and nobody else's - are two different things.

 

You don't want to change for anyone.

You want to - if that's right for you - change purely and simply for your own benefit and personal moral and psychological advancement.

Changing for someone else, in order to achieve a purpose, backfires on two counts:

One, it may not work, and two, it will only be temporary, because guaranteed, once we have that person back where we'd like them, the effort, to be that changed person for them, diminishes.

 

Either because we become lazy and think we've achieved the target, or because we wake up, become resentful of a change done for someone else's benefit (and they seem damn ungrateful too! And hang on, what about any changes THEY might need to make, huh?? HUH??)

 

For a person to appreciate change - and for them to want you, after you've made that change, they must be 'out of the picture' emotionally (because they see you doing damn bloody well without them, thanks very much) and they have to witness that development, that evolution, that transition into a better you, while it's happening.

 

Otherwise, if you now tell him "I've changed!" he will merely turn round and say "Oh really? How would that be? And how can you prove it?" Because he won't want to give up his freedom for an unknown, if he's had no evidence or compelling reason to do so.

 

Like I said - read the Guide.

[Lee290]

Thank you very much, you're right.

[Fufu]

Don't initiate the contact..

 

He's the one who let go of this relationship. If he ever wants ta reconciliation, he should be the one reaching out.

 

Even so what you are thinking about your "part" on the break up, it could be different from what he thought about you.

 

And never remain friend with a dumper

reason being:

* sense the message to him that you are absolutely fine with the break up and that makes him feel lesser "guilt"

* being friend = friendzoned. It means that if he gets a new gf or dates around, you will feel horrible.

[d0nnivain]

If you have truly grown as a person & are now dedicated your own happiness & mental health, go out & live your life. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Contacting him to tell him that you have changed, is only proof that you didn't. It shows that you don't value you own opinion but are still looking to him for validation & completion. Remember, actions speak louder than words.