lost101 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 I'm 35 yrs old married with kids, three years ago I met this man at work and feel in love. He is married too and is 29 years my senior. We have being sexualy envolved since last year. I really love him, he makes my live wonderfull. I've changed jobs to move away from him, because I know this is wrong and has no future.We still see each other at least twice a week.He won't let me go and I can't resist him.When I don't see him I feel miserable.I don't know what to do. I feel very guilt too.I am in an unhappy marriage,I love my husband but still he can't make me happy. I need help!
reservoirdog1 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 How long has it been since you actually told your husband that you were unhappy, that there were problems in your marriage, and that you wanted to work on it with him? (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you actually brought your unhappiness directly to his attention.) What was his reaction? If you've never told your husband about your unhappiness, then I'd say you now know what you have to do. God knows, f*cking away the unhappiness won't fix your marriage. Wouldn't you agree?
Owl Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Lost- I'm going to give you the exact same advice I've given a TON of people... Advice, which is what I assume you posted here for: 1. Break it ALL off with your MM for at least six months. If he's your "soul mate", your "other half", then six months should mean nothing, right? You should just want him all the more after that. Tell him that you need it to make sure that what you feel is true, and tell him that he needs to learn the same thing for himself. 2. Confess to your husband EVERYTHING. Tell him what you feel, why, etc... Tell him EVERYTHING about your affair(s). Leave nothing out. 3. Decide after that WITH your husband if there is anything left to salvage in your marriage. Its NOT just your choice...this is his marriage too ya know. He may very well decide you're not worth the pain anymore and go looking for someone who CAN be faithful to him. 4. If you decide to stay...then WORK at it for six months. Go to counseling. MAINTAIN AN NC with your MM for the whole time...the timer starts over with every email or text message!!! Try to look for the man you fell in love with in your husband years ago. And, if after six months you still feel nothing for him, and still just HAVE to be with your MM, and you've been totally honest and maintained NC with him for that time...then file a divorce and begin working on leaving your husband for him. 5. If you decide NOT to stay with your husband, or if he decides to leave you...then break off your affair until after you've completed your divorce. Again, it should make your time with your MM all the better when it resumes, and if it's "true love" then he'll still be there for you. When you start an affair, you quit investing emotionally in your husband. That will in turn cause him to do the same thing to you...so what I suggest above is pretty simple. Make DARN sure that you know who you want to be with, by doing what I suggested above. My money says that once you've admitted to your husband what's going on, and found that he really DOES love you and want to work it out, you'll be amazed at how much you still feel for him!!! Try it...after all...what have you REALLY got to lose at this point???
Cecelius Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I gotta ask this, and its just conversational not rhetorical, but since when is one's spouse supposed to make one happy?
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Oh well, you cheated on your husband. No big deal, right? By the way, have fun in HELL!!
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I agree with Owl's advice. But marriage councilling is needed and fast. You do love your husband and his is your life. He's the one who holds you when you're sick, down or just to cheer you up. He's the one who is with you. Your MM friend is making you feel good about you because you are not connecting emotionally, sexually with your h right now. Focus that energy and passion into your husband. owl is right, let this guy for a while and talk with your husband, tell him that you both need time alone, get to know eachother again and fall inlove again. It can be done if you both are willing. Good luck and Happy Holidays!
Moose Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Virginiabob.......don't scare her ok? She still has a chance to avoid that. Listen, it's simple, you've even noticed it's wrong yourself. You feel guilty too. It is wrong, and you should feel guilty. First step, tell your husband. Second step, break it off with the OM, and even allow your husband, ( if he's willing ), to approach the OM with a warning. Third step, If your husband stays with you, fix what's broken in your marraige, and repent. Lastley, find a Church of your chosing, learn about the consequences of infidelity.
confusedkat Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I felt compelled to post to this thread. I, also, am a 35 year-old mother who is in an unhappy marriage. Husband is a good man, a little cold emotionally, a little controlling, blah blah blah....but basically a good and loyal man. I didn't have a sexual affair, but did commit emotional infidelity. While I struggle to see if there is real love left between my husband and I, I can only give this advice to you: If you know you love your husband, you need to break free of this other man, even if only for a few weeks. I mean no contact. It will be painful, probably mostly because of the way he makes you feel, not the love you feel for him. But after a few weeks, the smoke will clear and you can begin to heal yourself. Not so much for your husband. but for yourself, you need to get your head in the right place before you can work on your marriage. If you are anything like me, the guilt of looking outside for what is lacking inside is awful, and you can easily start to lose respect for who you are. If the other man is who you should be with, don't you think you should do it in the right way. And by that, I mean, finish one thing before you start another. Otherwise that relationship with also have many things to overcome in the long run. All this being said, first and foremost is giving your husband, family and marriage a real shot. I figure that I can't walk away from what I have until I can look both my children and myself in the eyes and say that I tried as hard as I could to make our family work. If it doesn't, at least I can leave with a clear conscience. But as long as your husband is competing with someone who you have no emotional baggage with and who you are not doing the daily "grind" of life with, he doesn't ever have a shot at trying to be what you need. I still feel my friend I turned to emotionally is a good man, caring man and consider him a friend. But, I know that distance was/is key to allowing the man who committed to me 8 years ago to try to be what I need. I am not judging you in anyway. I know how you feel. And I feel for you and your family. Take care of yourself and be strong.
Moose Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Confusedkat, Are you and your husband currently communicating on a regular basis, or have there been any counceling?
confusedkat Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 we are trying to communicate more, although I have to admit, I am still in the process of trying to fix myself right now. I am going to go to counseling after the first of the year. Holidays are so hectic, I haven't had time this month. But, I have learned that he doesn't stand a chance if I look elsewhere for emotional support. So, I have stopped doing that completely. At this point, I am taking it one day at a time. I firmly believe that in order to make every effort, it has to be done the "right" way. At least for me, I feel I have too much integrity to live two seperate lives. And I don't judge anyone, really. I only know what is right for me and I know I am not the kind of person that can live with guilt. I have enough of it in other areas of my life, I can't do it in my marriage, too.
lost101 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by whichwayisup I agree with Owl's advice. "He's the one who holds you when you're sick, down or just to cheer you up. " My MM is the one ,that holds me and take care of me, he is the onewho cheer me up. Until I met him I had to rely onmyself only, since I was a child.My husband can't keep a job and onky pay attention to me when he wants sex, and that dosen't happenvery often. Yes, I told him I am unhappy and want to leave. He dosen'ttake me seriously. We are trying to work things out, but I just feel unhappy. My MM will never live his wife, especially now that she is sick. I work very hard to pay the bills and keep the family health,but Idon't feel heis doing the same. And hell is here,I am already there.
lost 101 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Confusedkat my affair started like yours, so be aware.
uberfrau Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 lost101: What is it like being with a 64 year old guy? I'm 28, and I've wondered how 'able' older men are. I had a crush on a man this summer-he was 45. Are they better than younger men?
confusedkat Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Yes, I know how easy it could be for it to have slipped into something more. The emptiness I feel often would make it easy to start something I shouldn't. But I am very aware of the feelings I would have if I did and I can't and won't. My husband is a pretty good guy. Unfortunately, it sounds like your's has some serious issues. But issues or not, for both of us it is the question of finding happiness with who we have now, who we married. I am so sorry for your pain. I really can understand how you must feel. Try to decide if you would eventually feel better not keepng this secret, if maybe after the initial pain, you woul dbe better off being without the OM. Just food for thought.
TMCM Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 lost 101, You are wasting your time [and your H's] by 'trying to work things out' when you are still actively involved with the OM. I say this because you are NOT giving an honest effort to the task of saving/rebuilding your marriage, in other words, you are only window dressing so that you can then turn around and say that you 'tried' but that the situation was hopeless. Your affair is sapping away the emotional energy that is needed for you to truly work on saving/rebuilding your marriage. If you are really serious about giving your marriage one last shot, then you MUST end ALL contact with the OM and confess to your H about your affair, for only then your marriage has any chance to be rebuilt into a happier one for both you and your H. TMCM
lost 101 Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Uberfrau older man can , if health ,as good as a young man ,maybe better, because they are more romantic and ,more experienced. I've been luck 'cause my H is in his middle 40's and he is fine and so is my MM on his mid 60's.They are both active. ConfusedKat, Thanks for understanding my situation. i'm happy for you being more strong than I am. I got envolved in a big mess and now I'm don't know what to do.. Tmcmt I tried very hard all these years, I've been with my H for 13 years.The main problem we have is that he dosen't care about anybody.He won't keep a job, he is either fired or quit without having anything else, I have to work sometimes seven days a week so we can live a decent life.We have being talking about it and now he is finally trying hard. The problem is all the negative feelings we had through these years. I appreciatte you all trying to help, I think the better thing for me, like owl said is to give my self sometime away from my MM and make my mind. Like i said before i changed jobs to be away from him, but i still to adicted to him. The worse is the emotional adiction, I could go without sex, but i can't go without talking to him or seeing him. That's the worse...
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