Walker89 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we're both 24. He has recently told me that over a year ago he broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years because she cheated on him, then the next girl he began to see cheated on him as well. He was feeling unconfident, unhappy, and ended up sleeping with escorts in london, this happened 3 times. He then realised how horrible it was and he didn't like it and stopped. This was all before the two of us even met, and I really care about him and am not going to do anything drastic. I know really it shouldn't matter, but I'd just like some advice on how to deal with it. I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about, it was before we met, but it's shocked me and wasn't something I ever expected from him, but what we have is so great, he treats me fantastically and the 2 of us feel we have something special. I just want to stop thinking about it! Thanks in advance for any advice.
Author Walker89 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Yes he's clean, it was over a year ago and he got checked then, and again before we slept together. 1
antonio1149 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we're both 24. He has recently told me that over a year ago he broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years because she cheated on him, then the next girl he began to see cheated on him as well. He was feeling unconfident, unhappy, and ended up sleeping with escorts in london, this happened 3 times. He then realised how horrible it was and he didn't like it and stopped. This was all before the two of us even met, and I really care about him and am not going to do anything drastic. I know really it shouldn't matter, but I'd just like some advice on how to deal with it. I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about, it was before we met, but it's shocked me and wasn't something I ever expected from him, but what we have is so great, he treats me fantastically and the 2 of us feel we have something special. I just want to stop thinking about it! Thanks in advance for any advice. What exactly bothers you about it? Would you feel differently if he said he just hooked up with three girls he met out at clubs? If it's in the past, he regretted it, and you have a great relationship, I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it. But it's worth having a conversation about. Is he still feeling the temptation to go that route? Will you be enough for him or is he going to be fantasizing about the hot sex he had with the escorts? Personally, I think a bigger issue for women is when their partners continue going to strip clubs and using porn a lot. 2
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Don't worry about it. It doesn't mean the guy has a bad character all around. If he is honourable in every other respect, I would try to forget it. 1
Uwaae Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Its a rough one. A little dispicable, lets you know what kind of person he was in the past. Try not to bring it up, after asking him every possible question about it ofcourse
runningfar Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It was a questionable decision, but pretty understandable in the circumstances. He even told you, which was hardly forced since he was clean. Sounds like you have a good guy.. I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 In reality, it's about the same thing to a lot of men as having a ONS...one you pay upfront, the other you take out to dinner and do the whole song and dance...some guys just rather cut to the chase and just have a need, no strings, no questions asked...and most importantly, no expectations. I wouldn't say it was horrible and he didn't like it....that's a flat lie, he's just trying to make it seem like it was something he regrets and it was a mistake, as the majority of women are turned off by that behavior but ultimately are forgiving, they just need some time and some helpful lies/half-truths from the guy in order for them to complete the self-convincing process of ultimately being "accepting" about it and "believing him...that you are still in fact "special". So in the end, you're going to accept it...you might be disappointed to hear it, or caught off guard or have a different opinion about him that he might not be able to erase, but I'm sure like most women you'll find a way to cope and process it into a little box then tuck it into the back of your mind so I'm not worried about that...although might ultimately compound with other issues down the line. Honestly, not something I think defines a man who would do this on occasion however I notice that men who likely engage in this behavior are more likely to have other issues....it could be a sign of something more, because I know how many men think and respect women in general, let alone escorts that they're sleeping with....not very highly, and sex is sex. IMO prostitution should be legal...would probably leave a lot less women "confused" and feeling betrayed when said guys disappears after a toss in the sack. And a lot of men out there, are quite lonely and don't have a lot of options in the dating world, and I can empathize with that...especially if you're like handicapped or mentally disabled, man, that must royally suck to be ostracized from society and the major dating pool and still be called a pervert for sleeping with an escort when that's your only option to have sex. And that's what it's about for men....options, or lack thereof. Many in which do not have the luxury to swoon desired damsels into relations.
Els Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It's a dealbreaker for me. However, you have to decide for yourself whether or not it is, for you. What sort of advice do you want on how to deal with it? Which part of it bothers you?
Revolver Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 What's the difference between this an a casual hookup? Would you feel better if he told you had multiple FWB's instead
JamesM Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I agree with Ninja. Would it be better if he had hooked up with three random women for free? Oddly enough, he probably had safer sex with those escorts than he would have had with three strangers. This is something that you must personally decide how it will affect you. Your bf looks at it from your eyes now, but in reality, I doubt he feels much difference regarding his choices in the past when he was single. Think of it....two women cheated on him. In his mind, women were not to be trusted yet he wanted sex. He could hook up with random strangers and hopefully (but not probably) avoid a relationship, or he could pay a woman to have sex so that he could go home at the end of the night. If he had chosen the strangers, then he may be somewhere else with someone else. And he more than likely could have picked up an STD without knowing it and without thinking he needed testing.
Mascara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 The difference is, even with casual hookups you need to put some sort of effort into getting and maintaining it. All that going to prostitutes teaches a man is that his ultimate goal of regular and accessible sex is achievable even without needing to be a fully functioning human being - if you're a virgin, no need to work on your social skills, just go to a hooker. If you're having issues with your partner and sex is off, just go to a hooker. If you have trouble committing, don't let the concern of wanting sex push you into sorting out your issues - just pay for it. An ex of mine lost his virginity to a prostitute. He's in his 40s now, and longs for a committed relationship. But he just carries on going to hookers and he's fine for another few weeks. I will never knowingly date a man who has been to prostitutes. I told him that I understood and it was in the past. It wasn't. It coloured his entire view of sexual relationships. Men who visit prostitutes, for whatever reason are not people I want to share my life with. 2
JamesM Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 The difference is, even with casual hookups you need to put some sort of effort into getting and maintaining it. All that is required of a one night stand is the ability to convince a woman to take her clothes off for a quick evening of sex. No effort is required or needed to develop a true relationship. For most guys, this is a challenge and a way to obtain sex. True it requires some social skills and persuasion skills, but it does not require a emotional connection. We could carry on about escorts and the rights/wrongs of it, but that would be another thread. I am not referring to that. A guy who chooses to pay for sex as a simply fulfillment of desire can be easily compared to someone fulfilling any other desire. This kind of sex canNOT be compared to the sexual bond that is created between two loving people. IMO, the difference between a guy who visits escorts versus a guy who goes to bars and picks up women for ONS is not much at all. When I was single, I did neither as to me they both were about the same.
ja123 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It's weird to say, but I know that if I were a guy I would've gone to escorts at a certain point in my life. The distinction I make is whether is just a few isolated times or a habit. It sounds like for your bf it's the former. Only you, however, can decide what you are comfortable with and whether you can accept, forgive, and move forward.
Mascara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 All that is required of a one night stand is the ability to convince a woman to take her clothes off for a quick evening of sex. No effort is required or needed to develop a true relationship. For most guys, this is a challenge and a way to obtain sex. True it requires some social skills and persuasion skills, but it does not require a emotional connection. We could carry on about escorts and the rights/wrongs of it, but that would be another thread. I am not referring to that. A guy who chooses to pay for sex as a simply fulfillment of desire can be easily compared to someone fulfilling any other desire. This kind of sex canNOT be compared to the sexual bond that is created between two loving people. IMO, the difference between a guy who visits escorts versus a guy who goes to bars and picks up women for ONS is not much at all. When I was single, I did neither as to me they both were about the same. I don't have any objections to the moral side of seeing escorts. Even a one night stand, as you've agreed, requires a guy to have SOME social skills. I'm not saying I look down on guys who can have sex without an emotional connection. But I DO have zero respect for one who cannot or will not obtain sex any other way. I don't care what his reasons are. Unless you're elderly or disabled, I have no respect at all for a man who has visited hookers, now that I've experienced dating a man who had. And I don't date men I have no respect for.
FitChick Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It's not like he ONLY had sex with prostitutes. It helped him get through a bad phase in his life and now he's back on track with you. I've dated men who tried hookers at least once out of curiosity. I was very interested and wanted to know any new tricks they could pass on to me.
truth_seeker Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 In a way, it's more respectable that he went to the escorts than sleeping with three random girls. With the escorts, both knew what it was about: money in exchange for sex. With random girls, sometimes it's about lying and deception to get one person's needs met. 1
KathyM Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It would be a dealbreaker for me, because it shows that he has no moral stance against using women as objects, he is capable of totally separating out sex from emotion/feelings, he has no concern for the harm that comes to these women by being in that profession, but only cares about getting his rocks off, and he's not all that concerned about his own sexual health. Those are dealbreakers, as far as I'm concerned, but you'll have to judge for yourself if you have any concerns about his character/judgement because of this. I know I would have concerns, and it would be a dealbreaker for me. 1
Revolver Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I agree with Ninja. Would it be better if he had hooked up with three random women for free? Oddly enough, he probably had safer sex with those escorts than he would have had with three strangers. This is something that you must personally decide how it will affect you. Your bf looks at it from your eyes now, but in reality, I doubt he feels much difference regarding his choices in the past when he was single. Think of it....two women cheated on him. In his mind, women were not to be trusted yet he wanted sex. He could hook up with random strangers and hopefully (but not probably) avoid a relationship, or he could pay a woman to have sex so that he could go home at the end of the night. If he had chosen the strangers, then he may be somewhere else with someone else. And he more than likely could have picked up an STD without knowing it and without thinking he needed testing. It's funny because you're more likely to to get an std from a random hookup in college then you are from a sex worker. They HAVE to use condoms
Mascara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 They don't have to use condoms at all. Many offer bareback, I can show you websites where they offer their services. A lot of them include bareback in those services. In an effort to understand my ex, I looked into listing sites and forums created by both punters and hookers. On prostitute forums, it was quite common for them to say "I'm HIV positive but I need the money, what can I do". The advice would usually involve just carrying on, but with condoms, and don't tell the punters. Hopefully it won't break when they're with you. Or they will actually use one, because although they may with you - she could well be going bare with someone 20 minutes earlier who offered her double. 1
JamesM Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I agree...they don't have to use condoms, and some don't. But many (maybe most) who are classified as escorts and get paid more than the druggie on the street, do use them as it is good for business. Allowing a guy to go BB gets out to others and scares them off. My point is....three random hookups will be less concerned than three escorts in general. And guys who hookup at the bar will not be thinking as quickly that these girls could have an STD, whereas with an escort, it will be on their mind. In this case, he used them as a confidence builder right or wrong and not as a replacement. His emotions were shot and he needed to get what he wanted without getting hurt again. It seemed to have helped.
Mascara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Calling them escorts and differentiating between them and a druggie street hooker is misleading. Once again, I can show you links of women who describe themselves as escorts, are not street hookers ... and who will, for the right price, have done bareback sex with someone 30 minutes ago. And so called respectable escorts who have herpes and HIV. Seriously, if anyone wants to go to escorts knock yourself out. But don't make the mistake of thinking that because she looks pretty and clean and is working from a nice apartment that she is disease free or not open to offers.
FitChick Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 But don't make the mistake of thinking that because she looks pretty and clean and is working from a nice apartment that she is disease free or not open to offers. And regular women you pick up in bars never lie about using birth control or having an STD? The pros stand to lose money since this is how they make their living so they are more likely to use condoms. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I'm glad for your sake that he is clean. That was my 1st concern. I would have preferred to know about the escorts before making the decision to be intimate with him, not so much from a morals / ethics perspective but from a health concern. I can't fault him for not telling you but in this day & age, I think it's something that has to be discussed pre-intimacy & all people need to ask hard questions of their partners up front. Retroactive jealousy is a waste of time & effort so if you can't put his past out of your mind, just save both you the heart ache & move on.
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 In reality, it's about the same thing to a lot of men as having a ONS...one you pay upfront, the other you take out to dinner and do the whole song and dance...some guys just rather cut to the chase and just have a need, no strings, no questions asked...and most importantly, no expectations. I wouldn't say it was horrible and he didn't like it....that's a flat lie, he's just trying to make it seem like it was something he regrets and it was a mistake, as the majority of women are turned off by that behavior but ultimately are forgiving, they just need some time and some helpful lies/half-truths from the guy in order for them to complete the self-convincing process of ultimately being "accepting" about it and "believing him...that you are still in fact "special". So in the end, you're going to accept it...you might be disappointed to hear it, or caught off guard or have a different opinion about him that he might not be able to erase, but I'm sure like most women you'll find a way to cope and process it into a little box then tuck it into the back of your mind so I'm not worried about that...although might ultimately compound with other issues down the line. Honestly, not something I think defines a man who would do this on occasion however I notice that men who likely engage in this behavior are more likely to have other issues....it could be a sign of something more, because I know how many men think and respect women in general, let alone escorts that they're sleeping with....not very highly, and sex is sex. IMO prostitution should be legal...would probably leave a lot less women "confused" and feeling betrayed when said guys disappears after a toss in the sack. And a lot of men out there, are quite lonely and don't have a lot of options in the dating world, and I can empathize with that...especially if you're like handicapped or mentally disabled, man, that must royally suck to be ostracized from society and the major dating pool and still be called a pervert for sleeping with an escort when that's your only option to have sex. And that's what it's about for men....options, or lack thereof. Many in which do not have the luxury to swoon desired damsels into relations. While my moral beliefs still make me anti-prostitution (formally or albeit informally i.e. gold digging), I loved this perspective. It painted a different picture and evoked empathy, something I never had before in situations like these. Bravo!
bumpyroad Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 It would be a dealbreaker for me, because it shows that he has no moral stance against using women as objects, he is capable of totally separating out sex from emotion/feelings, he has no concern for the harm that comes to these women by being in that profession, but only cares about getting his rocks off, and he's not all that concerned about his own sexual health. Those are dealbreakers, as far as I'm concerned, but you'll have to judge for yourself if you have any concerns about his character/judgement because of this. I know I would have concerns, and it would be a dealbreaker for me. Yep, very well said. It's a tricky one, I can see all sides of the argument, but I feel the same as you, KathyM. It would just depress me and I'd go off them as a human being.
Recommended Posts