LT GF left me for my roommate... still love her

[kfey]

Here's the long version of the story:

 

My girlfriend and I had been together for 14 months. We are 24 and 25, out of college a couple years, and hold jobs in our field. Living (separately, but spending every night together) in the area we're from in the city we went to college in (Madison, WI). It was a volatile relationship to be sure, but a loving one. We were committed (or so I thought) and saw a counselor together. We talked about moving together for grad school, getting married, having kids. We both were a part of each other's families essentially, spending holidays together. If you are into astrology, we are both Cancers and both fiery personalities. Our fights were intense, but no matter what the other did we reunited. Until what happened two weeks ago.

 

She has known my roommate as long as I have—that is to say only a few months. He was a Craigslist find because my friend and I needed a third for our house. We were all becoming friends. My girlfriend started getting a bit too close to him starting three weeks ago. I could go into detail, but basically she was spending more time with him and inviting him to go out with us and our friends.

 

One day that fateful week, she wanted to go for a hike. I couldn't go because of work, so she invited him. I expressed displeasure with it, telling her if I was spending time alone with another girl, especially a single one, I know she would disapprove. She said I was being weird, and that she wouldn't care if I did something similar. I said I doubt that. I told her I was concerned that she'd been spending a lot of time with him, such as staying up late one night talking to him instead of being in bed with me. She said nothing is happening or planned but she understood what I was saying, that it was only friendship and that I shouldn't feel threatened. I was clear that I didn't want any feelings to develop. She said she understood and if it ever went there she would tell me, but it won't. She said it wasn't even a thought in her mind. I told her I trusted her and that I would keep an eye on things, which she thought was fair.

 

So, she pretty much ignored my feelings and went with him. I let it go. After she got back a few hours later, we had dinner plans with my parents, which went smoothly as usual. The next day everything changed.

 

We had planned to go to our local farmers' market the next morning together. She woke up and was leaving without me, but gave me a kiss. I took it as that she was letting me sleep in. When I woke an hour later, she comes in with my roommate with coffee and bagels, one for me. I was disheartened to see them together. We spent most of the day together, but she didn't want to rake leaves with me, or even jump in the pile. She cooked us a quiche, and said she wanted to go for a hike at a nearby nature preserve we frequent. We went and on our way back, I asked to stop and get groceries. She loves grocery shopping and to my surprise said she wanted to stay in the car. We got home, cuddled for a bit in the living room, nothing was wrong. The roommate was there, but said he was taking off to see some other friends. Her and I had separate plans for the evening: I was going to see a concert, and she was going with a few of our friends to a corn maze outside of the city.

 

I got back very early, and tried contacting her a few times. I had trouble getting through but we finally were in touch at about 10. She said she was heading back. I had enjoyed the alone time in between, but I was getting concerned. She is always very communicative and was quick to jump on me when I was not returning texts or calls in a timely way, or not divulging everything. She wasn't back before 11, and I tried again to no avail. Around midnight she said she was getting food and would be back soon. At 1am her car finally pulled in. Instead of quickly coming inside as she usually did, she took some more time. I went outside and saw her slowly getting out of the car, with my roommate coming from the passenger side. I was very displeased.

 

We went inside and I confronted her. She admitted to having feelings for him and that we should break up. She said she was unhappy in the relationship. I was flabbergasted, appalled, betrayed. After I berated her a little, she gave some empty apologies, but I kicked her out. The roommate left. Not for her place, but for parts unknown. I finally got him to come back and he admitted that he went to the maze with her and they spent the time afterwards talking by the lake. I told him I doubted we could live together anymore, and he told me he was leaving to stay with a friend, then go back home to stay with his parents a bit.

 

I spoke with my girlfriend the next day. She said this was so terrible, she never wanted these feelings to happen, and never wanted to break up with me this way. She said she needed space, but said this was for the best. We didn't speak for a week.

 

He didn't do that. He didn't leave town. He tried to apologize to me but I couldn't accept it. A week later we talked, he agreed to move out, but said that my now-ex had invited him to stay with her. I expected this, and assumed he'd been staying with her in the interim. He told me what he did was immoral and pathetic, his words. But he wouldn't leave the two of us alone, like I asked. He did agree to at least not spend the evening with her and with a friend. However several hours later he reneged and said that he was going over.

 

I lost control. Went to her place, where her roommate told me neither were there. Broke the silence between us, basically begged her to stop. She was apparently at her parents, and I don't know where the roommate was. Then I made my big mistake: threatening that I would hurt myself unless she stopped. This was basically blackmail: I had no plans to do anything and was just trying to get her to stop seeing him and come to a therapy session. After a long phone conversation she seemed to agree. The next morning though, she reneged. I made another mistake then, showing up to a volunteer event she was working that afternoon. I did this to help, but she told me I needed to leave. I did. It wasn't good. She then told me not to contact her at all, and I haven't. I've gone to my parents to stay, and have been deeply depressed. Been hear a week now. I've been seeing a therapist and I'm on Prozac even.

 

Friends of ours have seen them together. No one is on her side in all this, I know. Even friends who I met through her are taking my side. They both say they're trying to get over the whole thing. I am pretty positive he's been staying with her, sleeping with her, doing everything with her. I got totally replaced. They both have reached out to mutual friends asking how I am.

 

Again, I haven't contacted either of them in a week. But God, do I want her back. I am aware what she did to me was terrible and showing deep personality flaws, but I still love her.

 

Based on everything I've read, and been told by all my friends, especially the ones who have been cheated on or divorced, is that I should move on. She did something awful, and though I'm sad and still love her, there's nothing I can do. She won't change unless she wants to.

 

I've looked online for the "relationship rewind" stuff and I'm skeptical. I have had my heart broken before and handled things differently, and eventually moved on after much pain. But this is far, far worse. I'm suffering, and while I am getting on with my life, working and doing grad school apps, I miss her and I wish she would come back, admit to her problems and recommit herself.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation, where your partner came back? Any guidance would be great.

Edited November 12, 2013 by kfey

[crederer]

Oh man, brutal. Sorry to hear that.

 

You gotta move on, this isn't the kind of chick you want to be in a ltr with anyways. I know it sucks, but there's no going back from the betrayal she served you.

 

If he's moving in with her already yyou can be damn sure it won't last long. I know that's no consilation to you but....hell man, just don't talk to her anymore, ever again. She doesn't deserve your attention. Begging and pleading with her wont be effective and you'll only degrade yourself.

[kfey]

I know, everyone's said that she isn't worth it and I'm willing to accept that.

 

It's very difficult. We have broken up before, but never lasting more than a few days. I instigated once, she instigated twice. But each time she extended the olive branch back, even begging for me when I was the one doing the breaking. The sobbing voice mails... it was too hard for me. Through everything I still love her because there were some very good parts to our relationship.

[barky2]

I'll tell you a quick one.

 

Boy and girl (couple)live with another girl and 2 guys.

 

Girl cheats and bangs new roomate and decides to be with him.

 

Boy who was cheated on moved out.

 

Joined sorority,sad and beaten, found strength to move forward.

 

Girl contacts original bf after 6 months, she's not happy.

 

They meet up ( original couple)

 

She moves out of house and goes back to ( original bf)

 

He takes her back.

 

He now, 4 months later, realizes what she did, how she treated him, regrew self respect, kicked her out and broke up with her.

 

I just went and had a congrats beer with him for standing up for himself.

 

 

True story.

 

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

 

 

Barky

[kfey]

I'll tell you a quick one.

 

Boy and girl (couple)live with another girl and 2 guys.

 

Girl cheats and bangs new roomate and decides to be with him.

 

Boy who was cheated on moved out.

 

Joined sorority,sad and beaten, found strength to move forward.

 

Girl contacts original bf after 6 months, she's not happy.

 

They meet up ( original couple)

 

She moves out of house and goes back to ( original bf)

 

He takes her back.

 

He now, 4 months later, realizes what she did, how she treated him, regrew self respect, kicked her out and broke up with her.

 

I just went and had a congrats beer with him for standing up for himself.

 

 

True story.

 

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Fair. I would take that chance though, if put in the situation your friend was in.

[crederer]

I know it sucks man and I'm sure there were great parts to the relationship. I really feel for you, but as a self respecting person, how could you take her back even if she wanted to at this point?

[kfey]

I know it sucks man and I'm sure there were great parts to the relationship. I really feel for you, but as a self respecting person, how could you take her back even if she wanted to at this point?

 

I would if she agreed to fix this personality defect she has. After all the trust I had in her, it's hard for me to believe that everything was a lie. She was very committed to me.

[Grumpybutfun]

kfey:

Dude, just to put this in perspective, the cheater, betrayer and liar made you so unhinged you went on Prozac and had to go to therapy. She is a loser. Move on. Your quality of life has suffered severely since you met her. Before you weren't angry, sad, on Prozac, in therapy, constantly paranoid, threatening suicide, etc. Do you see how she has made you crazy? That is not love. That is cruelty. It isn't a personality defect, it is lack of character and values. She is a terrible person regardless of the pretty package you see her in. She was so committed to you she F8cked the guy who lived with you...you are delusional if you think that is committed.

Grumps

Edited November 12, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[kfey]

kfey:

Dude, just to put this in perspective, the cheater, betrayer and liar made you so unhinged you went on Prozac and had to go to therapy. She is a loser. Move on. Your quality of life has suffered severely since you met her. Before you weren't angry, sad, on Prozac, in therapy, constantly paranoid, threatening suicide, etc. Do you see how she has made you crazy? That is not love. That is cruelty.

Grumps

 

I see your point, but it's a little inaccurate. I was the one who chose to make the suicide threat, go into therapy, etc.

 

I really appreciate the support from everyone but I'd like to hear from someone who has an outcome where the two got back together and it worked.

[Grumpybutfun]

I see your point, but it's a little inaccurate. I was the one who chose to make the suicide threat, go into therapy, etc.

 

I really appreciate the support from everyone but I'd like to hear from someone who has an outcome where the two got back together and it worked.

 

Yes, she did something so cruel that it made you a weak doormat with coping issues. Good luck in hearing from people whom this has actually worked out for because no matter if you get together or not, she is still the same person who thinks it is okay to go outside of commitment to get what she wants right then regardless of her promises and her supposed love. You might get some people who say, "Yes, we got back together," but ask them if they fear her walking out, cheating or telling lies?

I will bow out of the conversation though, because you apparently want to keep living in Denialville.

Grumps

[kfey]

I read a book at my therapist's behest called Is it Love or Addiction? Perhaps someone reading this thread has read it. Included were stories of infidelity by a partner that resulted in problems, which were corrected. I know, I'm in denial a bit. At least humor me.

[Keenly]

Room mate out.

 

 

Girlfriend gone.

 

Heart slowly pieced back together, as well as self esteem.

[Canadiangirl78]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I could feel your pain while reading your story... Ok so let's go with your theory that the reason she did this is because of a personality disorder, if that's true, do you really think you can fix that? You can't and you won't. She likely doesn't analyze what she does, she just does it. She's just the type of person that would do something like that to someone she's supposed to love. I'm sorry but that's just who she is. She obviously doesn't have much respect for you or herself. This girl was able to fall out of love with you as soon as someone else caught her eye. She doesn't sound like she wants to settle down with anyone right now. Think about what she did to you, I mean really sit and think about it, get pissed off at her..she deserves it but she doesn't deserve you. Just don't bother with her. Come post here whenever you need to talk, it's a lifesaver.

[Chi townD]

My question is, why the hell would you want her back?

 

Dude, seriously? This is how she felt for you that she could easily throw you away for a guy you found on frickin Craigslist?!?!

 

Give it time, but the honeymoon phase of this new relationship is going to go away and she'll start to feel guilty about what she did to you. She may reach out to you to see where your head is at. To see if you truly hate her.

 

One thing about most girls is they can't stand the fact that there might be a person on the planet that hates them or doesn't think they're a nice person.

 

Here's the hard part for you, IGNORE IT!!!! Don't respond to texts or emails, let all calls go to voicemail. BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!!

 

She not reaching out to you to come back, she's just gaging how much you hate her.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Dude....................

 

Brutal. So disrespectful. Both of them.

 

Like the last person said, do not return any of her messages if her conscience ever catches up to her. Do not try to be "just friends".

 

Stay no contact. If you talk to her and remain friendly, she will feel absolved of guilt and you just end up looking like a schmuck.

 

Sorry bro.

[Sparta]

Dude your the one that has the problem… Really can’t believe that your head is is so far up your ass… You can’t see for what she really is… she is just a ****ing tramp move on.

[barky2]

Fair. I would take that chance though, if put in the situation your friend was in.

 

Fair?

 

And you'd take the chance?

 

Do you have any self respect??

 

So you're ok with what she did?

 

Don't tell me no, because you're willing to take her right back.

 

Go ahead take her back, she'll do it again,and again.

 

Do you op.

 

Don't say I didnt warn you dude.

 

 

 

Barky

[stillafool]

I will never understand why people choose to screw around with their SOs friends and roommates when there are millions of other people to choose from. WTF she seems desperate, low class and lazy. Wish them well and get over her she's not worth the ground she walks on.

[kfey]

Fair?

 

And you'd take the chance?

 

Do you have any self respect??

 

So you're ok with what she did?

 

Don't tell me no, because you're willing to take her right back.

 

Go ahead take her back, she'll do it again,and again.

 

Do you op.

 

Don't say I didnt warn you dude.

 

 

 

Barky

 

I would take a chance on her. You know why I'm willing? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Angry bird]

FKey,

Listen, this is going to hurt for a long time. You may never lose the pain this person caused you, it ill be very dull in time, but you will always have a sense memory of it. Here is my perspective, right now you just want the pain of being rejected and losing the person you love to go away. And you think bringing her back is going to take away that pain.

 

I suggest, instead of running from the pain, and wanting to change it, meet the challenge head on. This is the thing, suffering forces us to grow up. Especially, loss of love. It forces us to see what "love" is really all about. its about trust and its unconditional. Sometimes we mistake relationships and attachments for love. Relationships can be an expression of love, but this is not what your ex girlfriend has shown you.

 

Your heart has been ripped out and coming to terms with this will not be easy. But, this is your life's journey at this time. Take the lesson...and learn as much as you can from it.

 

And, yes I do think she will be back, but the trust will not be there. And something tells me you are probably a very handsome man, that has many who would date or want to be with you.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you did shows her that your weak. Making threats to hurt yourself isn't going to get her back. It's like tying a dog to a tree. s long as the dog is tied up, it stays. Let it off the rope and the dogs running down the road.

 

That's no relationship. Either she wants to be there or she doesn't. What she did was inexcusable and she isn't worth getting back.

 

Like you said fool you once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Why do you want to run the risk and have it happen to you again? You've already been burned once, why twice. Let her go.

[Chi townD]

I would take a chance on her. You know why I'm willing? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Yeah, that rule works when someone fudges on a check, or you let someone borrow your tools.

 

Doesn't work to well with relationships and matters of the heart.

[kfey]

What you did shows her that your weak. Making threats to hurt yourself isn't going to get her back. It's like tying a dog to a tree. s long as the dog is tied up, it stays. Let it off the rope and the dogs running down the road.

 

You're correct, it was a mistake. It looked like it would work at first, but of course it didn't in the end.

 

I have not contacted her since that ordeal. Going on ten days since that now, and over two weeks since the initial break. She blocked me on Facebook after it I threatened to hurt myself. She still remains friends with all my friends on there, though.

[Chi townD]

GOOD! She's making moving on from her cheating ass incredibly easy for you.

 

Stay NC and start making positive changes in your life. This bitch isn't worth it.

[kfey]

Does anyone think she will contact me?