Author bythesea123 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 No problem And yes, that would also be a huge red flag for sure. OP, get a PI if you can, it will get you the information you need, especially when he is doing all these late hours and extra days of work. Also if you can, try to see if you can a paycheck stub that shows hours. Though if he is salaray based, it won't help, they pay the same amount no matter how much you work. He is salary based so it wouldn't matter.
Realist3 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I totally get it - you just want to discount my personal experience. I read some of your other replies and you tend to play devil's advocate. I agree there are a lot of people on this forum who are probably alarmists. However, I have known this man for 8 years. I have 5 children. My bull**** meter is honed to a fine point. I know when he's lying to me just as easily as I know when one of my children are lying to me. He is absolutely hiding things from me. And if finding a woman's necklace and a racy text is not a "red flag" then I don't know what the hell would be. I registered here to find others who had the same experience so I could get some advice. My hope was to find someone who was in a similar situation where the husband ended up not being a serial cheater. Everything I stated in my eyes falls into the "highly suspect circumstantial evidence" category. *ALMOST* enough to be 100% sure, but not enough to prove it. This has nothing to do with my personality - I'm a very laid back, free spirited person. Probably another big part of why I have stayed with a compulsive liar for 8 years. And let things slide cuz maybe he kinda sorta didn't do anything wrong. While I appreciate the fact that you are *trying* to be helpful and are certainly entitled to your own opinion, I'd like to ask you to just get lost. Your posts are not helpful or nice. In the midst of trying to deal with my husband's increasing indifference towards our marriage and the uncertainty of a possible affair and divorce, the last thing I need is someone dismissing my observations and feelings out of hand. (whew run on sentence) I WANT my marriage to work - I WANT my children to grow up in a 2 parent household (the 2 parents they were born to) - I WANT a husband I can trust implicitly with my heart, and a marriage that is full of more joy than pain. I don't have some evil desire to bust my husband cheating so I can stomp his head into the dirt or drag him through a nasty divorce. Anyhow.... as for the other suggestions: I can't afford a PI right now, but I am taking the kids home to TN for Thanksgiving (10 day trip). I plan on buying a VAR and sticking it in his car somewhere. Hopefully that will give me more clarity on the affair aspect. At this point, though, I almost don't even care anymore about that. I'm more and more confident each day I want to leave just because he's a liar. I think the fact that he has most likely been unfaithful at least once or twice in our marriage is bad, but lying to your spouse on an everyday basis is much worse. I can't believe a word he says. I have always said cheating wasn't necessarily going to be a deal breaker for me. But serial cheating - yes. Compulsive lying - yes. Then get after him.
Realist3 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Everything I stated in my eyes falls into the "highly suspect circumstantial evidence" category. *ALMOST* enough to be 100% sure, but not enough to prove it. Remember, you only have to prove it to yourself.
Owl Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Since you know he's deleting texts...is the cell phone account in both of your names, or just his? If both, contact your cell phone provider and request the text history for all the phones on the plan. There might be a fee associated with it, but it's likely worth it. Does he use a shared home computer for his FB/email/etc...? If it is a shared asset, putting a keylogger on it doesn't create any legal problems in most states...so get one on there, ASAP. You've already got advice for putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car...makes sense. Make it happen. If he's got a habit of going into another room when he's home to take/make calls on his cell, put a VAR in there too. Review credit card activity. See if there are charges for meals/motels/etc... that you're not aware of. Above all...DO NOT CONFRONT UNTIL YOU HAVE ENOUGH EVIDENCE THAT HE CAN'T DENY IT. Don't let him know you're onto him until it's unavoidable.
RightThere Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I had this conversation with my Dad - where's there's smoke, there's usually fire. Being on the forum has really opened my eyes to the reality of cheating. Because all of the sad stories start out with red flags and intuitions. Deleted texts and working long hours. It's almost too cliche. He experienced this with my mom and had the financial means to hire a PI - busted her right away. I think I have just had blinders on for so many years.... I have caught him in so many lies over the years - big and small. From what he ate for lunch, to going out and partying when he was supposed to be at work. I just can't trust him at all. Don't ignore the red flags. I did for a long time because I trusted my STBXW. She took that trust and abused it like no other.
cocahouts Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Careful, VAR or recorders can be illegal. I caught my wife with one and brought it to a lawyer. They told me to get rid of it and never mention it. Wiretapping laws are different in every state so recording audio is illegal in most places,expecially in like a car. Virginia is a one party concent state so when I confronted her the confession was legal. The VAR will verify what your thinking and help you either get a confession or help you catch him on nanny cam. Nanny cam has no audio so it's legal, stupid bull**** I know. Check the laws in your state, be careful. Can your dad help you? You sound miserable. This sounds selfish but you will be hurting your kids with your misery in the long run. If he's good with them at play time but doesn't like the parent part of the deal,sounds like a good weekend father. He's a liar and can't help it...A confession might not work. The VAR might help point you in the right direction to get real proof but when I heard what I did it killed me inside. Get away....Please don't let something like faith make you stay
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