pillows Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I met an amazing guy recently. We'll call him Mike. We met in a bar and from day 1 we got on great. He'd message me a lot, arranging dates, the dates went well. He was extremely confident and talkative. Outside of our dates, we would chat on Facebook for hours every day, usually initiated by him. On the 3rd date, he initiated sex... but stopped at the last second, saying he was afraid I'd get pregnant. I said I had condoms but he refused. I was devastated as I felt sexually rejected. My last 2 boyfriends before this had erection problems so sex is a HUGELY sensitive subject for me- and now someone was refusing sex with me- I felt as if nobody was able to, or wanted to, sleep with me. On our next date, Mike seemed a little distant but asked me to stay over. Nothing happened. After him not wanting sex the week before, I felt even more rejected. He mentioned it was "time to get up" and I thought he wanted me to leave so I did. He acted surprised but I made my excuses and left. Anyway, he messaged me asking what happened and the whole thing descended into a huge row that lasted hours. I refused to believe his side of the story that he was nervous- I couldn't believe that someone so confident would be nervous. Long story short I told him I didn't want to see him again. He tried to talk sense into me but I wouldn't listen. It was now night time. After all this I realised I was being crazy. Once I had calmed down I told him I was sorry and didn't mean it. That was last night. He contacted me today and said he doesn't want to see me again. We had a long talk about what went wrong and ironed things out but he says the damage is done and he cannot see us moving beyond this. He said this fight made everything too serious too fast. I told him we could forget it and move on but he won't listen. Have I blown it completely? I can't believe someone who seemed to like me so much, dumped me at the first fall. Is it just not meant to be? I am hoping if I give him time he will come round but it sounds like his mind is made up.
Phantom888 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 How old are you two? Was this the only disagreement so far? How did you two meet? These are relevant questions.
Author pillows Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 How old are you two? Was this the only disagreement so far? How did you two meet? These are relevant questions. We are mid/late 20s. Only disagreement in 1 month of dating- but it was a massive row. Met in a bar, he approached me. He is extremely good looking and a lot of girls like him but he is very picky. I guess I just couldn't believe someone like him would be interested in me and latched onto any signal that he had lost interest. Self fulfilling prophecy, self sabotage. I have had the same experience with other guys but they were actual boyfriends and always came back. Mike has made it clear we were "only dating". When I was trying to talk him round he said he felt very pressured and that it wasn't nice.
mrs rubble Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 He's probably selfish in bed anyway...most of the good-looking one's are. Plenty more prospects out there. NEXT PLEASE!! 4
superb Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I met an amazing guy recently. We'll call him Mike. We met in a bar and from day 1 we got on great. He'd message me a lot, arranging dates, the dates went well. He was extremely confident and talkative. Outside of our dates, we would chat on Facebook for hours every day, usually initiated by him. On the 3rd date, he initiated sex... but stopped at the last second, saying he was afraid I'd get pregnant. I said I had condoms but he refused. I was devastated as I felt sexually rejected. My last 2 boyfriends before this had erection problems so sex is a HUGELY sensitive subject for me- and now someone was refusing sex with me- I felt as if nobody was able to, or wanted to, sleep with me. On our next date, Mike seemed a little distant but asked me to stay over. Nothing happened. After him not wanting sex the week before, I felt even more rejected. He mentioned it was "time to get up" and I thought he wanted me to leave so I did. He acted surprised but I made my excuses and left. Anyway, he messaged me asking what happened and the whole thing descended into a huge row that lasted hours. I refused to believe his side of the story that he was nervous- I couldn't believe that someone so confident would be nervous. Long story short I told him I didn't want to see him again. He tried to talk sense into me but I wouldn't listen. It was now night time. After all this I realised I was being crazy. Once I had calmed down I told him I was sorry and didn't mean it. That was last night. He contacted me today and said he doesn't want to see me again. We had a long talk about what went wrong and ironed things out but he says the damage is done and he cannot see us moving beyond this. He said this fight made everything too serious too fast. I told him we could forget it and move on but he won't listen. Have I blown it completely? I can't believe someone who seemed to like me so much, dumped me at the first fall. Is it just not meant to be? I am hoping if I give him time he will come round but it s ounds like his mind is made up. You broke it off with him first....was that a test?
ja123 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) It sounds like it's over for real. It could be that the row and your breaking up with him turned him off. It could be that he has ED and was happy for the excuse not to have to "perform". But, that brings me to my next question. If you dated 2 guys with ED (assuming that they weren't grandpas), could it be that you're doing something on your end that is causing men to feel uncomfortable with you sexually? Are you judgmental, dismissive, condescending in any way? This might be a good time to reflect on this. What is the emotional subtext you have going on (of which you might not be aware) that is fostering your creating these situations? It would also be a good time to reflect on why you reacted in such an extreme manner and broke things off with this guy. You said that he dumped you at the "first fall" but that's what you did. If I were in his position, I'm afraid that I would have dumped you, too. Anyhow, try not t o take this as a huge defeat, but an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Edited November 12, 2013 by ja123
ChessPieceFace Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Have I blown it completely? Yep. That's what you get for assuming the worst. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, next time try and have some. 1
ja123 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Get off your high horse. With the amount of men today constantly wanking off to porn, ED is really not that uncommon. Perhaps that's another explanation. Your "high horse" comment just gives me the giggles, though!
Author pillows Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 You broke it off with him first....was that a test? No. I just couldn't believe what he was telling me and when he lashed out and started making insensitive jokes I snapped. It sounds like it's over for real. It could be that the row and your breaking up with him turned him off. It would also be a good time to reflect on why you reacted in such an extreme manner and broke things off with this guy. You said that he dumped you at the "first fall" but that's what you did. If I were in his position, I'm afraid that I would have dumped you, too. Anyhow, try not t o take this as a huge defeat, but an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Thanks... will try to not ket it happen again with someone else. He was amazing. I couldn't believe he'd be interested in someone like me and was terrified of my own feelings and equally terrified that he may not feel the same. I thought lots of people say things they don't mean when emotional but maybe not.
ja123 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Thanks... will try to not ket it happen again with someone else. He was amazing. I couldn't believe he'd be interested in someone like me and was terrified of my own feelings and equally terrified that he may not feel the same. Look, it sucks, and you're going to be hurting for a while. But, try not to glorify this guy or put him on a pedestal while completely denigrating yourself. You make a mistake, ok, but you didn't know him well enough at all. Things could've gone wrong for lots of other reasons. You mentioned something earlier about self-sabotage. Maybe your insecurities (about not deserving a guy like this) caused you to over-react during the row. Here's a good website about relationships, etc.: how to improve your self-esteem | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Once again, this is a chance for you to learn and grow. Hang in there!
RonaldS Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 General rule of thumb: if you like a guy, don't go batsh*t on him over something stupid after 4 dates. Yep, he's done. I would be too. Episodes like this don't portend a bright happy future (aka the writing is on the wall)
Author pillows Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) he messaged me tonight... in response to the msg i sent him LAST night. I had said Goodnight at the end of it and he just msged back saying "bye". I sent him a '?' and he explained it was a reply to last night so i just said 'ok' and left it. I have no idea why it took him so long to reply, unless he just wanted me to see that he hasn't changed his mind. Maybe he just thought it was rude to leave me with no reply. Proud of myself that I stayed strong and didn't converse more than that- I've already said everything I have to say. Edited November 12, 2013 by pillows
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 he messaged me tonight... in response to the msg i sent him LAST night. I had said Goodnight at the end of it and he just msged back saying "bye". I sent him a '?' and he explained it was a reply to last night so i just said 'ok' and left it. I have no idea why it took him so long to reply, unless he just wanted me to see that he hasn't changed his mind. Maybe he just thought it was rude to leave me with no reply. Proud of myself that I stayed strong and didn't converse more than that- I've already said everything I have to say. Yea, you just have to let go of the situation. This is where the cookie crumbled. It sounds like you are projecting your self esteem problems on this guy and that is a turn off.
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I met an amazing guy recently. We'll call him Mike. We met in a bar and from day 1 we got on great. He'd message me a lot, arranging dates, the dates went well. He was extremely confident and talkative. Outside of our dates, we would chat on Facebook for hours every day, usually initiated by him. On the 3rd date, he initiated sex... but stopped at the last second, saying he was afraid I'd get pregnant. I said I had condoms but he refused. I was devastated as I felt sexually rejected. My last 2 boyfriends before this had erection problems so sex is a HUGELY sensitive subject for me- and now someone was refusing sex with me- I felt as if nobody was able to, or wanted to, sleep with me. On our next date, Mike seemed a little distant but asked me to stay over. Nothing happened. After him not wanting sex the week before, I felt even more rejected. He mentioned it was "time to get up" and I thought he wanted me to leave so I did. He acted surprised but I made my excuses and left. Anyway, he messaged me asking what happened and the whole thing descended into a huge row that lasted hours. I refused to believe his side of the story that he was nervous- I couldn't believe that someone so confident would be nervous. Long story short I told him I didn't want to see him again. He tried to talk sense into me but I wouldn't listen. It was now night time. After all this I realised I was being crazy. Once I had calmed down I told him I was sorry and didn't mean it. That was last night. He contacted me today and said he doesn't want to see me again. We had a long talk about what went wrong and ironed things out but he says the damage is done and he cannot see us moving beyond this. He said this fight made everything too serious too fast. I told him we could forget it and move on but he won't listen. Have I blown it completely? I can't believe someone who seemed to like me so much, dumped me at the first fall. Is it just not meant to be? I am hoping if I give him time he will come round but it sounds like his mind is made up. You may also want to slow down and take time to know someone before engaging in this level of physical intimacy. Maybe be sure he really likes you and vice versa and that there is some foundation there. Just a suggestion
WaitingforMrRight Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Just wanted to say, I feel you sister. My last long term boyfriend had ED and it was the worst thing ever for my self esteem. He was not very helpful either, in finding ways to remedy it or please me. It hurt. A few months later I met a (what I thought was) a great guy and after several dates wanted to sleep with him. However the guy had this strange, abnormal paranoia about getting me pregnant. So the first time we tried he couldn't get it up because he was so worried. I was devastated. Then we tried again a few nights later and he was fine, but begged me to go on the pill. I said no, can we just keep using condoms while we are in this stage? He refused. Which turned into a HUGE argument. I walked out and never spoke to him again. Then I met/slept with another guy just to prove to myself that 'I still had it.' Then everything was back to normal. For me at least not that I'm advocating you sleep with a random guy, but hey...whatever works. 1
Author pillows Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 He messaged me last night saying he misses talking to me ()we used to chat for hours every day) and asked, since we are still friends on FB, does this mean we can be friends, but I declined. When he told me earlier this week that he had decided he didn't want to date me anymore, I told him that this is the end, I'm not into "let's stay friends", and I reminded him last night that he put an end to things fully aware of this. He has dated several women this year (with most he put an end to it after 1 or 2 dates) and is still friends with a couple of them but I find "friends" too painful. I think I will give him another few days
lollipopspot Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 He messaged me last night saying he misses talking to me ()we used to chat for hours every day) and asked, since we are still friends on FB, does this mean we can be friends, but I declined. When he told me earlier this week that he had decided he didn't want to date me anymore, I told him that this is the end, I'm not into "let's stay friends", and I reminded him last night that he put an end to things fully aware of this. You are just doing everything wrong, if you want to keep dating him. You freaked out and had a "massive" fight. I, as a female, would find what you present as your lack of clarity and self control very disturbing and I don't blame him for ending it. Now, he wants to be friends. This is your inroads to getting back with him and letting him see you're not going to go off the deep end when you get nervous. And you're not taking it.
Author pillows Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 When he says "friends" he literally means friends Im afraid. He went for coffee a couple of months ago with a former date "as friends".
lollipopspot Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Yeah I know. But since you flew off the handle and broke up with him, you need to try to show him that you're not like that, over time, in order to win him back. Unless you're still going to be like that, and in that case you need a really patient or desperate guy.
Author pillows Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Do you think so? I had a look at some sites last night about "staying friends" and they all said that when a guy wants this, he just wants his cake and to eat it, or he just wants the perks of a relationship with you without the bad bits, etc. I would be afraid that if we went ahead and were "friends" i would always hanker after him, or worse, we would hook up and he still wouldn't ask me out, so I'd just be a backup/hookup girl.
lollipopspot Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Well you won't get a chance at all if he just writes you off as hyper-emotional and reactive and you never speak to him again. I wouldn't sleep with him "as friends" though. But show him why he liked you so much to begin with, and work on being less reactive
forgetmenot75 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Do you think so? I had a look at some sites last night about "staying friends" and they all said that when a guy wants this, he just wants his cake and to eat it, or he just wants the perks of a relationship with you without the bad bits, etc. I would be afraid that if we went ahead and were "friends" i would always hanker after him, or worse, we would hook up and he still wouldn't ask me out, so I'd just be a backup/hookup girl. Have you remotely thought he might have sexual issues? I'd say: difficult guy----STAY AWAY I know, he's extremely good looking blah blah blah, but it will only give you painful moments. He doesn't see you as a woman. He has no sexual desire for you. forget about him, and find a man who actually wants to sleep with you.
MalachiX Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 DISCLAIMER: I'm sure you're a nice person and I'm sure you're legitimately sorry for what happened. I'm not trying to be harsh in the post that follows but I think there's something that a lot of women (and probably a lot of dudes) don't seem to understand: IF YOU DUMP SOMEONE YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK!!! Seriously. I've been the person on the other end of that and have had friends in this position as well. A girl says, "it's over" or "I don't want to see you any more" and you respect that (or try to convince her otherwise but give up). Then, they contact you several days later wanting to fix things and when you're not up for it they act like you dumped them. It's nuts! He didn't dump you (as you said in your threat). You dumped him and he didn't give you a get of jail free card. I also frankly get a bit peeved when I get the, "I was just being crazy" line. Frankly, going along with that seems kind of sexist on the guy's part. If we're a progressive gentlemen, we assume that you're a rational human being and mean what you say like any adult. We find it kinda of out-dated to say, "she's just being crazy right now but she stills likes me!" That attitude leads guys to do a lot of horrible things to women and I don't want any part of it. I'm really not trying to pick on you but I do think it's important for you to get a sense of how this feels from the other side. Hopefully, by understanding this, you won't do it again.
Titania22 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 He INITIATED sex on the third date but stopped for a completely legitimate reason of "I don't want to get you pregnant". If he was worried about pregnancy, why bother initiating sex in the first place, that just makes him a tease.
Frogwife Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 He's probably selfish in bed anyway...most of the good-looking one's are. Uhhhhhhh....what on earth??? This is the craziest thing I've ever heard (and it's certainly never been my experience!)...
Recommended Posts