She did show narcissistic tendencies.

[sambo77]

It's natural, I think, to look for "reasons" for the BU. It's part of the process. I started out strongly pursuing the line that this was "my fault." I beat myself up, blamed myself (even though I did nothing out of the ordinary AT ALL, there are always little things we can look back on if we scrutinise it enough). I think she also "encouraged" me to self blame. While I was self-blaming I was apologetic, remorseful, even guilty.

 

I've moved on a little. Let myself off the hook a little. I now see quite narcissistic traits to my ex. I remember thinking it odd that while she'd been married for 6 years and had three or four LTRs before that (all under two years), she claimed never to have really loved any of them. I found that odd and I had no problems telling her I had at one time loved all my LTGFs. She coldly suggested she knew full well she'd never loved any of hers and explained how one poor guy she'd been living with she just deserted and moved out one day while he was at work...and he knew nothing of it?

 

(1) When we met she was in need of one thing only...to think well of herself. She craved that because she had felt SO bad about herself in her marriage. She craved it like an addict craves a drug. Just like addicts, narcissistic personalities primarily see others as a SOURCE of admiration. As with other addictions, there are good and bad sources. At first, narcissists may pursue the best sources—admiration from desirable others, such as people who possess characteristics that they highly value.

 

When the narcissist is successful in gaining approval from another, they often bring a quick end to these newly established bonds.

 

(2) When they've gained from you the one thing they subconsciously wanted all along...your admiration...they have kinda had their fix out of you. YOU were never the goal, getting a sense of admiration out of you was. If YOU (and they did pick you out as the best "source") loved them then it meant they got that feeling of value.

 

Just like a drug addict shows blatant disregard for his body (the pathway via which he can internalise the drug and get the high), narcissists can show dramatic and unexpected disregard for the pathway via which they get the admiration they have craved - the partner.

 

When they have "used up" the admiration, or maybe you show signs that your admiration is drying up (maybe you show anger or frustration towards them...which happens in all human interactions) or less constant than it once was...they will begin to subconsciously disregard you as the best source and (sometimes ruthlessly) begin the hunt for a new source.

 

Because that source is usually another person, this obviously leads to relationship problems. Narcissists get what they need from others—admiration—and then they tire of their partners when self-esteem benefits are no longer forthcoming. At this point, the narcissist is 100% ready to move on to the next source. There is even evidence that narcissists are actively searching for new sources even when involved in a relationship, as evidenced in one study showing narcissists’ perceptions of numerous attractive alternatives and their flirtatious behavior toward attractive others even while they were currently involved in a romantic relationship.

 

The painful thing to realise is that "I" (me...the person) was never what she wanted (which explains why I never felt she had much interest in getting to know "me")...I was simply the "syringe" that contained an always temporary fix of the drug she desperately craved - admiration and high regard.

 

I think she "thought" she loved me. But I truly believe that genuine love doesn't evaporate overnight. Loving someone is almost impossible when what you REALLY love is the temporary feeling of admiration you can conjure while connected up to them (they are just a petrol pump). While my ex is so desperate for feelings of high regard she will literally NEVER be able to love another person...and she COULD NOT love me.

[Haydn]

This could be a mirror of my ex Sambo. Word for word, scary.

[todreaminblue]

hmmmm.....I could dissect my ex and certain traits here are similar to how he was....but then i can look at it and think hey maybe that was me...i admire people......lots of people but i never tire of them.......so i have half a narcissist....i respect people and i want them to respect me so another half there.......i feel good when someone says something nice to me ....am i meant to feel bad or nothing....or happy...are narcissists ever even happy......i dont know...now i am paranoid i am a narcissist because i like it when people appreciate what i do i dont ask for it.....but i appreciate it...

 

 

 

one reason why i dont read medical journals......i was convinced once i had gangrene....turned out to be green texta pen.......

 

i also think sometimes i have female white knight(are they called knighties) syndrome

 

 

 

you never really know what is wrong with a person or what causes a break up and i dont think its good to dwell there.,.....seems a bit morose......a morosissist...iist...yep...smilin..i have been there for about four years.....not there anymore ...i am some place else....you are better off without her that is what counts....you count now.....and what your future holds for you ...stop looking over your shoulder...the view doesnt change......the view ahead...well endless possibility as high as as you want to go....best wishes....gangrene texta pen deb

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I can relate to this. Before my ex dumped me I told her she didn't need me, she just needed someone to be emotionally available to her.

 

I was right.

[grayarea]

She was also a dismissive/avoidant. Research adult attachment theory. They can shut off feelings like you wouldn't believe.