What are the "right" reasons to have a child?

[Elliotte]

Hi everyone, I have a major dilemma and need all the fresh perspectives I can get, thanks in advance to anyone kind enough to reply!

 

Starting at the beginning, I got engaged at 22, ended up breaking up with my then fiance, then we found out she was pregnant, I tried "doing the right thing" and staying with her, which only lead to misery and breaking up again after our son was born. Followed by a long custody battle in which I wanted joint custody, and slowly gained more and more time with my son until two years ago when she decided to move across the country to be with a boyfriend and now I have my son full time 10 months out of the year, he's currently in 1st grade.

 

During the years of drama fighting to be as much a part of my son's life as I could, I dated around a bit, really got into the single mindset, and planned on never getting serious with anyone again. After the breakup I got a vasectomy to avoid any further surprises. I spent a long time on my own, tried being serious once and that relationship ended miserably as well.

 

Finally 2.5 years ago (when I was 27) I met the woman of my dreams. We had an incredible fling and she was amazing with my son. We were in love, only problem was, she was here on a temporary visa, and had to return to her country. In order for us to pursue anything she would have to move back under a student visa in order to stay in the states with me legitimately. At that time we discussed marriage as a possibility, as well as leaving open the idea of adopting a child.

 

She moves back, spends a lot of time struggling to fill the role of step mom, and we fight a lot, over step coupling, intimacy, marriage, etc. We keep moving forward, thinking if we just accomplish all our goals we will be happy again eventually. We get along great, we've worked to a point where we rarely argue, and instead work through things productively!

 

The biggest change in her since the fighting was she has become VERY ready to have a baby. Her friends are having babies, and throughout our fights she has become very fixated on having one as soon as possible. All of her changes in what she wants come up during fights, now she wants to have a kid of her own, doesn't want to adopt, and if I cannot successfully reverse my vasectomy, she wants to go to a sperm bank to get pregnant, which I do not like the idea of at all.

 

I've opened up to the idea of having a child with her, I've researched vasectomy reversals, talked to my doctor about it, but am completely not motivated by her "if you won't impregnate me, I'll find some other way to" attitude on the subject. If I am going to have a child with someone, I want to feel confident that this is the person I am going to spend my life with, and be parents together for. But she's told me several times that she wants a baby so bad that if I can't give her one, she will leave me and get it from someone else.

 

The fear of the procedure not working and her leaving me anyways really not makes me wonder if we are doing this for the right reasons. I don't want to make her feel like I am wasting her time but I am feeling pushed harshly towards a decision I am not completely ready for. After one surprise child came into my life, and how much I love my son, the idea of having another, only this time actually being with the mother sounds amazing. But she seems to be stressing her biological clock so much that it's constantly ringing in my ears! All I want to do is slow down and take the time to figure things out and get comfortable, and actually be able to talk with each other on the subject rather than it be a constant source of tension.

 

Comments? What would you do in my position, or hers?

[salparadise]

Oh man, that's a tough one. If you hadn't said she is the woman of your dreams I would say let her go due to fundamental incompatibilities. I can only say what I would do... if I was sure that she is the woman of my dreams, love and commitment running deep, pure and unshakable... I'd have the reversal and give her a child, but only through a heartfelt desire for her happiness and fulfillment. I would not do it in response to an ultimatum or threat to leave you and have a child with someone else. There are a lot of sperm donors on the planet and it doesn't sound to me like she's all that particular about which one she uses.

[serial muse]

Oh man, that's a tough one. If you hadn't said she is the woman of your dreams I would say let her go due to fundamental incompatibilities. I can only say what I would do... if I was sure that she is the woman of my dreams, love and commitment running deep, pure and unshakable... I'd have the reversal and give her a child, but only through a heartfelt desire for her happiness and fulfillment. I would not do it in response to an ultimatum or threat to leave you and have a child with someone else. There are a lot of sperm donors on the planet and it doesn't sound to me like she's all that particular about which one she uses.

 

I hear this, as well as the OP's concerns...and I totally agree that the ultimatum here is problematic.

 

That said. OP, you did mention that you fought a lot over other types of commitment - so I'm wondering how much that earlier ambivalence is coloring her perception of your commitment to having a child with her. It certainly would give me pause, and would affect how I hear your "I'm looking into it" approach.

 

It seems you guys are going round and round. I understand that her saying "fine, I'll go out and get myself a sperm donor" would be off-putting. But to tell you the truth, I wonder if she really means it, or if this is actually a way to signal to you that she fears your ambivalence...if you see what I mean. Because you're NOT saying to her, yes I'll get the reversal, yes I'll have a child with you. You're saying "maybe". So she's saying "maybe" too. And the result is that you're in a standoff situation.

 

Having dealt with that sort of ambivalence in the past, I understand how crazy-making it is. Living in limbo, frankly, sucks. So I have some sympathy for her position (although I don't think she was wise to say that about the sperm donor). I hear what she said about a sperm donor as desperation, not actual intention - you know her best, though, so you can best interpret her true intentions.

 

Reading through the lines, though, I think what matters here is that kids really are a dealbreaker for her. She's clear on that point. The question is where you stand on it. I don't think you should allow yourself to be bullied into it, but you have to admit at least that she's made her position clear - and you haven't. And there's a certain amount of bullying in that, too, I'm sorry to say. I'm sure it's not intentional, but as I said, it really sucks to feel like you're being held hostage to someone else's need for indefinite time to make up his/her mind.

 

Perhaps you could set some solid timeline for coming to a decision about this? So that you make it clear you understand her feelings and that you are taking them seriously and not planning to string her along indefinitely -- but at the same time, you're holding firm to taking some time to think for yourself about this?

 

Also, I wasn't clear on whether you two actually did get married?

Edited November 12, 2013 by serial muse

[salparadise]

I think what matters here is that kids really are a dealbreaker for her. She's clear on that point. The question is where you stand on it. I don't think you should allow yourself to be bullied into it, but you have to admit at least that she's made her position clear - and you haven't. And there's a certain amount of bullying in that, too, I'm sorry to say. I'm sure it's not intentional, but as I said, it really sucks to feel like you're being held hostage to someone else's need for indefinite time to make up his/her mind.

 

Excellent points. It's truly a difficult situation for them both. He did say- "the idea of having another [child], only this time actually being with the mother sounds amazing." And she said- "that she wants a baby so bad that if I can't give her one, she will leave me and get it from someone else." That's not exactly conducive to summoning forth those loving feelings. She should be saying she want his baby with all her heart and soul and would be eternally appreciative. Instead she's busting his balls. She's clearly not very sophisticated in her motivational endeavors. I think this attitude would be a deal breaker for me, but of course I'm not the one who's in love with her.

[violet1]

Oh my goodness! I'm in this situation and have been for a long time. Among other things it's partially why I'm planning on divorce. I don't feel like my husband and I want the same things. I also have never felt like it was as much of a priority for him as it is for me because he has kids and I don't. I love my step children, I do, but I still want one of my own. My husband did agree to get a sperm donor though. It's all irrelevant now because I no longer want a child with him. Why is that not an option for you, but adoption is?

 

I have said similar things to my H. When everyone around you is having kids and you can't, it's difficult to handle. Seeing you with your son is probably hard too. No matter how much she loves him, she's still not his mother. I know that's at least how I feel with my step daughter. I'm willing to bet she's starting to develop resentment. This happened to me. If you seriously want to make this relationship work, I strongly suggest couples counseling. My H and I did counseling, but unfortunately it's just too late. We did discuss the child issues and therapy helped a lot with that though. I allowed the resentment develop for way too long and both of us neglected each other. Don't let it get to that point. You are not in an easy situation. However, if you two can compromise and work together instead of against each other, you can make it.

[Lemonitaz]

This line jumps out at me from the OP:

 

"I don't want to make her feel like I am wasting her time but I am feeling pushed harshly towards a decision I am not completely ready for."

 

This is a tough situation, but like the other posters I believe the 'ultimatum' is troubling. It does not sound like you are ready for another child. I've been married 3 years, together for many more and we would like children and talk about it often, but it always comes back to us not feeling financially ready. I would *never* give someone I loved an ultimatum like that. For the child's best interest, it should be a mutually agreed upon decision. You have not agreed.

 

Have you guys explored couples counseling? I think that would be a great idea if not, at least for this one issue. If you really love her and don't want to lose her maybe this could help you guys get on the same page.

[Elliotte]

Thanks for all the heartfelt responses guys. Yes, we are married now.

 

After being a single father for nearly 7 years, having to fight against my son's mother for what is best for him (she is very flaky and if he was with her full time, he would be transferring schools at least once a year!), and despite all of the hardships involved, I love being a father, my son is an amazing kid. The idea of being able to have another child, only this time having the mother there and truly working as a team to raise a child sounds amazing, I'd like to have a daughter this time to get the best of both worlds.

 

My main problem is that my wife has almost always brought up these sudden changes during the heat of arguments. She's literally told me she needs to have a kid so she won't be alone in case we get divorced some day. She's told me since her parents divorced she seems to believe a divorce is almost an inevitability! She brought up the sperm donor thing in the middle of an argument as well. Since we've moved in together we have slowly worked through problems, but there's still a lot of tension on certain subjects and the situation is slowly pulling away from feeling like we're on the edge of breaking up, about this subject, about step-coupling, about intimacy, etc.

 

I agree that couple's counseling seems to be the best next step, to help our communication. I just wish she would stop feeling like I am not on board for having a child together, and realize that we need to continue solidifying the foundation of our relationship a bit more before we bring another human being into the middle of it, I've never heard of having a baby as a good idea for "fixing" a relationship!

[serial muse]

Thanks for all the heartfelt responses guys. Yes, we are married now.

 

After being a single father for nearly 7 years, having to fight against my son's mother for what is best for him (she is very flaky and if he was with her full time, he would be transferring schools at least once a year!), and despite all of the hardships involved, I love being a father, my son is an amazing kid. The idea of being able to have another child, only this time having the mother there and truly working as a team to raise a child sounds amazing, I'd like to have a daughter this time to get the best of both worlds.

 

My main problem is that my wife has almost always brought up these sudden changes during the heat of arguments. She's literally told me she needs to have a kid so she won't be alone in case we get divorced some day. She's told me since her parents divorced she seems to believe a divorce is almost an inevitability! She brought up the sperm donor thing in the middle of an argument as well. Since we've moved in together we have slowly worked through problems, but there's still a lot of tension on certain subjects and the situation is slowly pulling away from feeling like we're on the edge of breaking up, about this subject, about step-coupling, about intimacy, etc.

 

I agree that couple's counseling seems to be the best next step, to help our communication. I just wish she would stop feeling like I am not on board for having a child together, and realize that we need to continue solidifying the foundation of our relationship a bit more before we bring another human being into the middle of it, I've never heard of having a baby as a good idea for "fixing" a relationship!

 

I totally understand and agree. Couples' counseling does seem like the way to go at this point. You guys do have a lot to discuss, trust issues being at the forefront. It's a shame that she isn't fighting fair - bringing up the sperm donor thing in the middle of an argument is basically taking the nuclear option. Hopefully she'll be able to see, perhaps with a counselor's help, that that sort of thing only exacerbates feelings of instability, which is ironically what she seems to fear most.

 

Hope you guys work it out. You sound like a good dad.

 

Edited to add: By the way, I'm not sure we answered the question in your thread title, but it sounds like that was only part of the issue anyway...

Edited November 13, 2013 by serial muse

[Elliotte]

Edited to add: By the way, I'm not sure we answered the question in your thread title, but it sounds like that was only part of the issue anyway...

 

Ah very true. I guess to elaborate on the original question. I feel like having a child is the right thing to do when a the parents are in a stable relationship, I'm not expecting perfection here but at the very least her and I shouldn't be on the precipice of breaking up! The past year has often felt like a battle to keep the relationship afloat, which I would never want to add a baby into. She seems to want a baby as soon as possible in order to get what she wants before the inevitable divorce. Which in my opinion is one of the worst reasons to want a child.

 

I'll be honest, she seems to have gotten completely baby-crazed, several friends and family are having babies lately and she seems to want one no matter what the consequences. This attitude of hers is easily the biggest reason I have against having a child with her. My son's mother was similar in this attitude and I had to fight her tooth and nail to get time with my son, eventually leading to me getting him the majority of the time, I do not want to have a kid with someone who seems to only want a child for her own benefit.

[violet1]

Thanks for all the heartfelt responses guys. Yes, we are married now.

 

After being a single father for nearly 7 years, having to fight against my son's mother for what is best for him (she is very flaky and if he was with her full time, he would be transferring schools at least once a year!), and despite all of the hardships involved, I love being a father, my son is an amazing kid. The idea of being able to have another child, only this time having the mother there and truly working as a team to raise a child sounds amazing, I'd like to have a daughter this time to get the best of both worlds.

 

My main problem is that my wife has almost always brought up these sudden changes during the heat of arguments. She's literally told me she needs to have a kid so she won't be alone in case we get divorced some day. She's told me since her parents divorced she seems to believe a divorce is almost an inevitability! She brought up the sperm donor thing in the middle of an argument as well. Since we've moved in together we have slowly worked through problems, but there's still a lot of tension on certain subjects and the situation is slowly pulling away from feeling like we're on the edge of breaking up, about this subject, about step-coupling, about intimacy, etc.

 

I agree that couple's counseling seems to be the best next step, to help our communication. I just wish she would stop feeling like I am not on board for having a child together, and realize that we need to continue solidifying the foundation of our relationship a bit more before we bring another human being into the middle of it, I've never heard of having a baby as a good idea for "fixing" a relationship!

 

I know, this such a hard situation to be in. My husband's situation is similar to yours. He's also afraid of having a child to only end in divorce and having to go through the custody battle again. I've also questioned if he just didn't want another child again. I just know a lot of resentment developed between us. It's destroyed our marriage. We also have full physical custody of one of my step daughters. It's been a struggle and huge adjustment.

 

I think I do understand what your wife is feeling though. When my sis-in-law got pregnant 2 years ago, I went home and cried. I felt like I was the only married woman who wanted a child and couldn't have one. The fact is, for you two to have a child together, you're going to need help medically. Sometimes, I'd get jealous that he and I couldn't have a child the natural way. We couldn't just have sex and get pregnant. Plus, being a child less married woman, especially in my area is not easy. I get asked all of the time why I don't have kids. I get embarrassed to tell people my husband has a vasectomy. People always have negative responses to me wanting children when I married a man with a vasectomy. Their responses are discouraging and would make me angry about my marital situation. In return, I started to resent and turn away further from my husband. This also affected our sex life because I felt like there was no point if we couldn't ever get pregnant. I'm not sure if this is what your wife is feeling. I'm just trying to give you perspective of another woman who is also in a similar situation as her. I would hate for your marriage to be destroyed like mine just because of the baby issue. My biggest regret was not pushing marriage counselling years ago. My marriage is dead and I no longer love my husband. However, if I had dealt with my resentment differently and faced the problems head on, I might not be where I am now. I really do wish you the best!

[violet1]

Another suggestion: have you thought about getting a puppy? It does curve the baby hunger a bit. I don't feel nearly as baby hungry as I did when I got my dog a few years ago. He's a small dog too so I carry him around like he's a baby. Lol Christmas is coming up and it would be a great gift for her and your son.

Edited November 13, 2013 by violet1

[Elliotte]

Thanks so much for your perspective Violet, I am curious if you made a similar transition with your husband. Before you met him had you always wanted a child of your own? When you and him began a serious relationship, was there a period of time where you felt ok with not having kids with him?

 

I am curious what fluctuation you had on the having kids aspect during the course of the relationship, because my wife as bounced back and forth. We were serious, then we nearly broke up early on, then we decided to go for it and figure it out later, she even told her family I had a vasectomy and seemed fine with it for awhile, but I feel like her resentment is a big reason why she wants a kid now, she views my son as the main thing to blame for why I had a vasectomy, and has basically said her relationship with him is at a standstill and will not improve until she has a kid of her own.

[pteromom]

I understand what she's feeling. Having a child was very very important to me too.

 

I would have regretted it the rest of my life if I had given up on that dream.

 

You are married to your wife. You said it would be amazing to have a child with her. That's enough of a reason to say yes. Your reasons to say no are based on FEAR (what if we divorce and I find myself in the same situation as I am with my son?!)

 

What would I do in your position?

 

I would go to your wife. I would say that having and raising a child with her - someone you love - will be amazing. That you want it too. You are definitely considering reversing your vasectomy (don't even talk about the sperm donor stuff since you aren't there yet.) You just need a little time to adjust to the idea.

 

If it helps her to know it is moving forward, she can go meet with her OBGYN to see if there are any tests she should have done, and make a plan to prepare for getting pregnant (getting off birth control, changing any medications she's on, etc.)

 

I am a little concerned with her resentment toward your son. It shows a little lack of maturity on her part to hold her relationship with him hostage. It's unfair, and only punishes him. Makes me concerned with whether she will treat the two children equally when she does have her own baby.

 

As far as the sperm donor thing, IF you reverse your vasectomy, and IF it doesn't work, THEN you can consider your options there. I promise you though that if that is the path you have to go down, you'll be ok.

 

Lastly - to answer your question "What are the right reasons to have a child?"

 

Because your life is happy, full, and whole, and you want to add another dimension of joy to it.

 

Because you have a desire to raise and release a good person into the world.

 

Because you have a lot of love in your heart and want to share it.

[Elliotte]

You are married to your wife. You said it would be amazing to have a child with her. That's enough of a reason to say yes. Your reasons to say no are based on FEAR (what if we divorce and I find myself in the same situation as I am with my son?!)

 

Fear I can get over. When my wife directly tells me the reason she wants to have a child is the same as my fears, that's where I have a major problem. It's like she wants to have a kid as soon as possible so that it will make divorce "easier" on her. It'd be nice to hear from her that she wants to have a child with me because we would be amazing parents together, but usually discussing the topic involves her mentioning divorce.

 

I have told her I want to have a child with her, but need some time getting comfortable with it, I know my fears are something I have to get over, (and will get over) but so far she has only increased my fears, rather than soothe them. It feels like her fears are what is making her want a baby ASAP.

 

I hope going to a therapist can help us to stop making each other's fears increase.

[violet1]

Thanks so much for your perspective Violet, I am curious if you made a similar transition with your husband. Before you met him had you always wanted a child of your own? When you and him began a serious relationship, was there a period of time where you felt ok with not having kids with him?

 

I am curious what fluctuation you had on the having kids aspect during the course of the relationship, because my wife as bounced back and forth. We were serious, then we nearly broke up early on, then we decided to go for it and figure it out later, she even told her family I had a vasectomy and seemed fine with it for awhile, but I feel like her resentment is a big reason why she wants a kid now, she views my son as the main thing to blame for why I had a vasectomy, and has basically said her relationship with him is at a standstill and will not improve until she has a kid of her own.

I've always wanted a child of my own. Adoption is a last resort for me because I want to feel a baby growing inside of me. In fact, I rejected my husband's marriage proposal 3 times. I wasn't sure I wanted to marry a man with a vasectomy. He promised me if we got married that we'd look into having a child within a year, two tops. I was so blindly in love, I just though that it would all work. I never realized how hard it would be living with someone who has children when I don't. A year after marriage is when my resentment started to develop. At this point, I should have pushed marriage counseling.

 

There have been times my emotions have waffled a bit. I thought I could be happy with just him and his kids, but my desire to be a mom continued to grow along with the resentment. I never really felt a lot of resentment towards the kids though. When I did, I felt a lot of guilt because it's not their fault. More so of the situation in itself bothered me. I said so many cruel things to him about having kids young and a vasectomy at the age of 24. I wanted a baby so bad it hurt. I became very mean. I'm ashamed of my behavior now, but I used sex against him. I told him that he took away my womanhood by not being willing to give me a child. I didn't realize it at the time, but all of my comments and our arguments damaged his self esteem and increased his fear of having another child. He said to me one time that women only want him to have a child and not for love and partnership. His ex wife lied to him about taking birth control when he was 21. Getting his vasectomy was his way of protecting himself.

 

I have a feeling your wife is saying these cruel things to you because she's hurting. Being a step mom and not having children when you want them is very painful. You don't realize how difficult it is until you experience it first hand.

 

I really think that your baby conversations need to be put on hold for now. I loved the advice PMom gave you. However, I believe the resentment issues need to be resolved first. When my husband and I finally went to marriage counseling, I learned that resentment is poison. Not only does it poison your relationship, but it poisons your soul. Counseling can help the two of you to truly understand each other and to build the life and family you both want.

[violet1]

Fear I can get over. When my wife directly tells me the reason she wants to have a child is the same as my fears, that's where I have a major problem. It's like she wants to have a kid as soon as possible so that it will make divorce "easier" on her. It'd be nice to hear from her that she wants to have a child with me because we would be amazing parents together, but usually discussing the topic involves her mentioning divorce.

 

I have told her I want to have a child with her, but need some time getting comfortable with it, I know my fears are something I have to get over, (and will get over) but so far she has only increased my fears, rather than soothe them. It feels like her fears are what is making her want a baby ASAP.

 

I hope going to a therapist can help us to stop making each other's fears increase.

Counseling will help both of you take control of your fears. It's interesting that she wants a baby so she won't be alone after divorce. I'm willing to bet it's deeper than that. She probably has deep routed issues that haven't been dealt with yet. I was so pushy about having a child because I had a very unstable, emotionally abusive mother who was murdered when I was a teen. I wanted to prove to myself that I was nothing like her. I now realize that I don't need a baby to see that I'm nothing like her.

[violet1]

Sorry double post.

Edited November 14, 2013 by violet1

[Elliotte]

I agree with you whole-heartedly Violet, it is good to hear you worked past the resentment. It sounds like therapy will be the only way to help her past this, as it seems there's no chance of me being able to help her with this on my own, and I am certainly hopeful it will help me with my issues too.

[Elliotte]

Counseling will help both of you take control of your fears. It's interesting that she wants a baby so she won't be alone after divorce. I'm willing to bet it's deeper than that. She probably has deep routed issues that haven't been dealt with yet. I was so pushy about having a child because I had a very unstable, emotionally abusive mother who was murdered when I was a teen. I wanted to prove to myself that I was nothing like her. I now realize that I don't need a baby to see that I'm nothing like her.

 

She outlined it a bit more talking about when her parents divorced and how most of the older people she knows are divorced, or should be.

 

I'm curious, do you really feel like after you've made all this progress due to therapy, things are still beyond reconciliation with your husband? I've heard many times that marriage counseling often helps you work out WHY you and your spouse's marriage is failing, but not necessarily that it fixes things between two partners. Do you believe many marriages would have been saved had they sought counseling much sooner?

[emva07]

I think you are right, having a baby with someone that is already planning on divorcing you is NOT a right reason to impregnate her. If she is resolute that it's either your child or someone's else's I'd say let her have someone else's because either way she is going to leave you no?

[violet1]

How are things? Did you and your wife decide to give counseling a shot?

[Elliotte]

Thanks for the follow up Violet!

 

I'm thinking for now we need a breather before her and I dive into therapy. We finally seem to be reaching our stride as a couple, what to not take personally, when to give space, etc. It feels like our first year living together was so full of fights and rushing towards progress that we were both constantly feeling "on the edge" of the relationship, and ready to call it quits. Much like her freaking out about having a baby, I was freaking out about our sex life being very low. When I freaked out about sex, it made her stressed about it and want to avoid it. Same with me and her freak outs about having a baby. Both our issues have subsided over time as we have leveled out and the fights about "you need to do what I want or this isn't going to work out" have almost completely gone away.

 

While she definitely wants a baby, and I want to have one with her, I think her rush to have one as soon as possible was very much based on her fear of me leaving her and her regretting all the choices she made in order to be with me (no longer pursuing a life in the country she grew up in).

 

We've finally reached a comfortable place, where we share some family time, have consistent couple time, and are gaining confidence in the stability of being together, at the moment my focus is on that, especially through the holidays this year when last year's was such a mess.

 

Maybe this comes across as delaying what needs to be done, but I think building up security is what is best for both of us now, as part of the work we need to do to solidify our relationship's foundation, and couples' therapy is going to be part that foundation building in the near future before we start making the concrete plans towards parenthood.

[pink_sugar]

Thanks for the follow up Violet!

 

I'm thinking for now we need a breather before her and I dive into therapy. We finally seem to be reaching our stride as a couple, what to not take personally, when to give space, etc. It feels like our first year living together was so full of fights and rushing towards progress that we were both constantly feeling "on the edge" of the relationship, and ready to call it quits. Much like her freaking out about having a baby, I was freaking out about our sex life being very low. When I freaked out about sex, it made her stressed about it and want to avoid it. Same with me and her freak outs about having a baby. Both our issues have subsided over time as we have leveled out and the fights about "you need to do what I want or this isn't going to work out" have almost completely gone away.

 

While she definitely wants a baby, and I want to have one with her, I think her rush to have one as soon as possible was very much based on her fear of me leaving her and her regretting all the choices she made in order to be with me (no longer pursuing a life in the country she grew up in).

 

We've finally reached a comfortable place, where we share some family time, have consistent couple time, and are gaining confidence in the stability of being together, at the moment my focus is on that, especially through the holidays this year when last year's was such a mess.

 

Maybe this comes across as delaying what needs to be done, but I think building up security is what is best for both of us now, as part of the work we need to do to solidify our relationship's foundation, and couples' therapy is going to be part that foundation building in the near future before we start making the concrete plans towards parenthood.

 

May I ask how old she is?

[Elliotte]

May I ask how old she is?

 

Late twenties.

[violet1]

How is she with your son? It's hard being a full time step mom, but at the same time it can be very rewarding. When my stepdaughter first moved in with us it was quite the adjustment. It's natural to get a little irritated when your not used to having someone around on a daily basis.

 

I'm happy for you! I was worried your update wouldn't be a good one. I really hope things continue to go well.

Edited November 23, 2013 by violet1