superb Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I understand it's a good way of getting to know different people but what if you don't have time to date? Get bored with it? Do you think you can find the right person without technically dating them? The term seems so outdated to me and I've not met many men who were very chivalrous anyway.
Blade96 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I understand it's a good way of getting to know different people but what if you don't have time to date? Get bored with it? Do you think you can find the right person without technically dating them? The term seems so outdated to me and I've not met many men who were very chivalrous anyway. You can. My ex did. My ex, who has many of the characteristics of a sociopath, I broke up with him because he did not want to date, he wanted to meet a girl and just live with her right away. Instant relationship, just add water. I can't do that no matter how many times he pressured me to. I want to get to know someone, and dating is good for me. But before I dumped him, he met a girl, and I suspect he was cozy with her when I was not around. Soon as I dumped him - they were living together. They are still together. Yeah it could work - if you find someone who doesn't mind and wants what you want too.
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 what are the other options? All I'm coming up with is the premise of the old show Dharma & Greg where they both confessed how lousy they were at dating so they got married. That made for funny TV but I'm not sure I'd try it in real life.
Author superb Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 You can. My ex did. My ex, who has many of the characteristics of a sociopath, I broke up with him because he did not want to date, he wanted to meet a girl and just live with her right away. Instant relationship, just add water. I can't do that no matter how many times he pressured me to. I want to get to know someone, and dating is good for me. But before I dumped him, he met a girl, and I suspect he was cozy with her when I was not around. Soon as I dumped him - they were living together. They are still together. Yeah it could work - if you find someone who doesn't mind and wants what you want too. I'm not interested in having a man live with me or even move that quickly. lol I sometimes wonder if I should hold that rule up but to me dating is difficult and having too many specific requirements can spell...forever alone.
Author superb Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 what are the other options? All I'm coming up with is the premise of the old show Dharma & Greg where they both confessed how lousy they were at dating so they got married. That made for funny TV but I'm not sure I'd try it in real life. That was a great show! Idk...but I do think I probably should change in order to achieve what I desire in a relationship sense. A lot of it has to do with meeting good men who seem worth the effort.
Blade96 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I'm not interested in having a man live with me or even move that quickly. lol I sometimes wonder if I should hold that rule up but to me dating is difficult and having too many specific requirements can spell...forever alone. I think first figure out what you want and what you are looking for . Once you know what you want in yourself and you know yourself, such as figure out a way you can get to know someone even if you get bored with dating, have a job where dating is difficult because you're often busy, or just whatever, you can find what you want. Gichin Funakoshi once said "First know yourself, then know others" He was a martial artist and the founder of Shotokan karate, but he was also a philosopher in his own way, and I think his words still hold true. 2
Author superb Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I think first figure out what you want and what you are looking for . Once you know what you want in yourself and you know yourself, such as figure out a way you can get to know someone even if you get bored with dating, have a job where dating is difficult because you're often busy, or just whatever, you can find what you want. Gichin Funakoshi once said "First know yourself, then know others" He was a martial artist and the founder of Shotokan karate, but he was also a philosopher in his own way, and I think his words still hold true. You're right. Perhaps it's just not my time and I should focus on myself more and not worry about being single or feeling lonely. I know what I want and I know what I offer, I also know how challenging it can be to make a relationship work and maybe I have enough on my plate as it is. Great relationships just happen...and worrying about when and why it hasn't come to me holds me from really being happy with myself.
Blade96 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 You're right. Perhaps it's just not my time and I should focus on myself more and not worry about being single or feeling lonely. I know what I want and I know what I offer, I also know how challenging it can be to make a relationship work and maybe I have enough on my plate as it is. Great relationships just happen...and worrying about when and why it hasn't come to me holds me from really being happy with myself. well....relationships don't JUST happen. It does take effort. You know what happens to those who wait? WAITING! I do not mean you just sit there and watch like a wallflower. I mean once you figure out how you are able to get to know people if you don't like dating. Do you skype? You can skype with them. Or chat with them. Or write by regular snail mail. Or some other way. Once you find a way that works for you, you will be able to find people who will like your style and you will actually enjoy this type of getting to know people.
todreaminblue Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I understand it's a good way of getting to know different people but what if you don't have time to date? Get bored with it? Do you think you can find the right person without technically dating them? The term seems so outdated to me and I've not met many men who were very chivalrous anyway. sonic boooom..... i do believe there are chivalrous men out there....the guys i date i dont end up with i tend to fall into relationships with guys i have gotten to know and have gotten to know me....and figure out they want to be with me.......never truly feels like dates......because they are so easy and fun.....i enjoy th esilences and things are never forced ...if go on a date i am wary .....defense mode operation.....and ill be watching for things i dont like.....with friends i accept them as is, flaws and all, i am more unforgiving with dates.......i also find dates have wayward tongues......dont like wayward tongues.....want to leash them...... i dont have to say that i dont like this i dont like that,to friends ...they already know ...that they are likely to get it bitten off...and are more respectful of my personal space ......the difference i have from a guy i am interested in to a friend who is male is i will not hold a friends hand.....i dont do night time outing with male friends.......and i dont let them kiss my lips..... so therefore i dotn date much.....smilin....i am dating at the moment cant say it makes me truly happy because things are expected that makes em uncomfortable...........the world is too fast for me....and dates ....shouldnt have to be hard...i prefer it light hearted and fun......like friends....cuddles yeah ....saliva ..umm ...no...deb
Author superb Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 well....relationships don't JUST happen. It does take effort. You know what happens to those who wait? WAITING! I do not mean you just sit there and watch like a wallflower. I mean once you figure out how you are able to get to know people if you don't like dating. Do you skype? You can skype with them. Or chat with them. Or write by regular snail mail. Or some other way. Once you find a way that works for you, you will be able to find people who will like your style and you will actually enjoy this type of getting to know people. I usually befriend a man and focus on getting to know him...typically I'm confused and never know where I stand with them. I don't put any pressure on them as far as dating goes and usually they reciprocate my affections in the same way and enjoy me. However, I don't feel positive movement forward with most of them and things usually fizzle out, by that time I'm invested in a way and end up feeling like I hate men....haha
Blade96 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I usually befriend a man and focus on getting to know him...typically I'm confused and never know where I stand with them. I don't put any pressure on them as far as dating goes and usually they reciprocate my affections in the same way and enjoy me. However, I don't feel positive movement forward with most of them and things usually fizzle out, by that time I'm invested in a way and end up feeling like I hate men....haha well it seems productive They enjoy you It fizzles out sure but it seems they enjoy it while it lasts and I know you read my thread and if your men are anything like my Russian crush they will reciprocate and it seems they do - My Russian fell in love with me first. and let me know today after I put no pressure on him just as was suggested. It seems like your men didn't do anything bad to you - it just fizzled out. I'd say keep doing what you're doing you sexy lady
Author superb Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 well it seems productive They enjoy you It fizzles out sure but it seems they enjoy it while it lasts and I know you read my thread and if your men are anything like my Russian crush they will reciprocate and it seems they do - My Russian fell in love with me first. and let me know today after I put no pressure on him just as was suggested. It seems like your men didn't do anything bad to you - it just fizzled out. I'd say keep doing what you're doing you sexy lady Hahaha, thanks I did read your post, I'm surprised he confessed to loving you-not because of you but because men seem very afraid to admit those feelings.
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Hahaha, thanks I did read your post, I'm surprised he confessed to loving you-not because of you but because men seem very afraid to admit those feelings. i feel it is the bravest thing fro a man to do .....is to show his heart......and tell a woman he loves her......same for a female.......i have admiration for people who do this .....courageous moves..it is probably the scariest thing to do ......deb 1
Blade96 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Hahaha, thanks I did read your post, I'm surprised he confessed to loving you-not because of you but because men seem very afraid to admit those feelings. well he did not say anything like я люблю тебя (I love you) or anything like that. But he did communicate his feelings to me directly as I have said by what he said about my loving to sing and I look so good on my profile pic with a winky and a smiley face. And again by us chatting for several hours and him hanging all over every word I wrote (in russian because that's all we speak) It was pretty direct! 1
Author superb Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 i feel it is the bravest thing fro a man to do .....is to show his heart......and tell a woman he loves her......same for a female.......i have admiration for people who do this .....courageous moves..it is probably the scariest thing to do ......deb I agree...and if you find someone willing to admit and embrace it, you're lucky I think. 1
Blade96 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I agree...and if you find someone willing to admit and embrace it, you're lucky I think. so yeah, keep doing what you're doing - because it seems productive and my Russian is 15 years older (im 35 so do the math) and is a gentleman, very mature, a man, not a boy. so he won't say i love you because we have just known each other just a month. He is not a creepy scary guy in the least. and yeah Russians are very emotional. Also fiercely loyal. If you make friends with one, you have a true friend because they are VERY loyal to friends, family, anyone they care about. 1
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I agree...and if you find someone willing to admit and embrace it, you're lucky I think. i do agree with you abotu beign blessed to fidn a guy who does this ...more than lucky.....i find it to be a feminine trait to give in to your fragility of your heart.....a maternal thing.......for a guy to embrace his courage while accepting his fragility..and then going ahead anyway ...yep brave.....yep admirable...worthy of respect...deb. 2
Author superb Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 so yeah, keep doing what you're doing - because it seems productive and my Russian is 15 years older (im 35 so do the math) and is a gentleman, very mature, a man, not a boy. so he won't say i love you because we have just known each other just a month. He is not a creepy scary guy in the least. and yeah Russians are very emotional. Also fiercely loyal. If you make friends with one, you have a true friend because they are VERY loyal to friends, family, anyone they care about. I don't know why I keep feeling like I read that he says he loves you. Maybe a premonition and he'll say it soon 1
Blade96 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) I don't know why I keep feeling like I read that he says he loves you. Maybe a premonition and he'll say it soon I'll say it back I've fallen hard for him as well I would never say that unless he does. Say those words too soon and you can definitely scare someone away! as Uwaaes said in my thread "psycho". Edited November 12, 2013 by Blade96 1
Grumpybutfun Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 The term seems so outdated to me and I've not met many men who were very chivalrous anyway. Superb: From what I have read on here, the 20 somethings could use a little bit more of "old-fashioned" and "chilvalrous." Dating used to be fun, lots of fun, but now in some areas of the world is rife with anxiety. Yes, I think expectations have changed in dating and I also think my generation (40's) isn't doing a very good job in being good role models due to their own insecurities, lack of integrity, devaluing commitment, etc. Yet, dating really is the only way to get to where most people want to go in life, which is sharing their lives with someone else so they can reflect the joy in you and your hopes and dreams. I always say think of dating as a job interview and you are hiring. Make it fun. Make it about what is important to you. Don't get caught up in the drama of game playing. Learn how to weed out the bad ones early on and look for signs of old fashioned values (fidelity, commitment, integrity, hardworking, takes responsibility for their actions, treats you with respect and honor, and an ability to be who they are / loving you completely without worrying about what other men think) without all the sexism and bitterness from relationships past. The thing I think young people have trouble understanding in the "me, me, me" age is that is that this attitude completely repels the notion of pair bonding. When they get out of their own head and stop being self-absorbed, they start seeing that life is really about what we do, how we treat others and how we feel for others, then they can attract people who want a traditional family/lover experience. Unfortunately, that experience is about learning how to put someone else equally beside you and sharing everything so many people do not know how to cultivate that value. Dating may not be what you expected, but the alternative is to be alone or to rush into experiences without a proper interview. I always enjoyed dating and it was easy for me because I knew it could be complicated so I just learned how to be honest with others about my expectations. Later, when I met my wife after years and years of dating, those experiences dating made me see what a gem she was. I had the realization that exactly what I needed was in this tiny package and I had no doubts that she was what I had been seeking. She thought I was a summer fling, and I was there to convince her through being a good man and showing her who I was internally that I was the always man, and I have been for 21 years. Don't give up, it is worth kissing a few frogs to find royalty. Grumps 1
Author superb Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Superb: From what I have read on here, the 20 somethings could use a little bit more of "old-fashioned" and "chilvalrous." Dating used to be fun, lots of fun, but now in some areas of the world is rife with anxiety. Yes, I think expectations have changed in dating and I also think my generation (40's) isn't doing a very good job in being good role models due to their own insecurities, lack of integrity, devaluing commitment, etc. Yet, dating really is the only way to get to where most people want to go in life, which is sharing their lives with someone else so they can reflect the joy in you and your hopes and dreams. I always say think of dating as a job interview and you are hiring. Make it fun. Make it about what is important to you. Don't get caught up in the drama of game playing. Learn how to weed out the bad ones early on and look for signs of old fashioned values (fidelity, commitment, integrity, hardworking, takes responsibility for their actions, treats you with respect and honor, and an ability to be who they are / loving you completely without worrying about what other men think) without all the sexism and bitterness from relationships past. The thing I think young people have trouble understanding in the "me, me, me" age is that is that this attitude completely repels the notion of pair bonding. When they get out of their own head and stop being self-absorbed, they start seeing that life is really about what we do, how we treat others and how we feel for others, then they can attract people who want a traditional family/lover experience. Unfortunately, that experience is about learning how to put someone else equally beside you and sharing everything so many people do not know how to cultivate that value. Dating may not be what you expected, but the alternative is to be alone or to rush into experiences without a proper interview. I always enjoyed dating and it was easy for me because I knew it could be complicated so I just learned how to be honest with others about my expectations. Later, when I met my wife after years and years of dating, those experiences dating made me see what a gem she was. I had the realization that exactly what I needed was in this tiny package and I had no doubts that she was what I had been seeking. She thought I was a summer fling, and I was there to convince her through being a good man and showing her who I was internally that I was the always man, and I have been for 21 years. Don't give up, it is worth kissing a few frogs to find royalty. Grumps I am going to be 35 years old this month, I have been married (10 ys)...I'm now divorced and;) been somewhat actively seeking a healthy relationship for about 3 years, been single for 7. I do like men in their 20's though...lol maybe that's my problem
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Finding a quality man to date may be a function of where you are looking. Yes, OLD is convenient but I think a lot of people on there are very jaded. Tell your friends & family that you are open to being introduced to a nice quality guy. You really don't know who knows somebody who might be good for you until you ask. Try making a connection through a shared hobby or interest. As for the "dates" themselves I think people shoot themselves in the foot by being too casual about the whole thing. If a man wanted to date me, I expected to romanced. I wanted the dinners, the flowers, the love notes etc. I expected he would open doors, hold out my chair & help me on with my coat. I was never subtle about it either. I would hand the guy my coat & stand there until he got the message. To this day my husband's mother jokes about all the training I gave her son to make him a better man. I respond my telling her she gave me good raw material to work with. DH just rolls his eyes because we're teasing him like he's not even in the room. While I recognize that my behavior might be off putting to sme men, I also recognize that I don't want to date those men any more than they want to date me.
jba10582 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I've been reading what you wrote. I hope you find the right encouragement here on LS even when things look down IRL.
Author superb Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 I've been reading what you wrote. I hope you find the right encouragement here on LS even when things look down IRL. Thanks...and thanks everyone for your words. I sometimes feel so isolated in my thoughts about relationships and it's nice to know I'm not alone.
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