alwayshopful Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Or so my bf keeps saying...for about 10 months now. At least once a month he brings it up...I am going on three years divorced. I am not so sure I am in a rush, but it bothers me that he says that he is gonna marry me but takes no action. He recently sold his boat to buy a new one and would have some extra money then and made a comment about him having that money and getting me a ring yet nothing has surfaced. After the boat transaction he says he hasn't ever bought me any jewelry...what would i like, he needs to buy me a gift. Uh ok... He tells me this week that he is gonna get me cutlery for Christmas. I am so mixed up. I mean we don't have to marry right away...I am fine with an extended engagement but why bring this up all the time? I actually called him out on it this weekend and he got defensive and flustered and turned it around on me...what you want to get married tomorrow? You want a ring right this minute? I said no but you keep bringing it up...
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I see your point. A woman likes to be asked. When my husband proposed to me he had this whole elaborate plan. . . took me a cruise, my ring came out as dessert under a domed cover to reveal the ring sitting on a bed of roses. Space & the movement of the ship prevented him from getting on one knee. I turned at looked him expectantly. After a moment of awkward silence he said "well?" I gave a him a look & teased, "well what? I haven't heard any questions yet." Give your guy some time to cool down & have the conversation again from a softer place. Explain that you love him & that you are excited that he keeps talking about the possibility of marriage even if you had previously been lukewarm to the idea in the past. Let him off the hook by sharing that you aren't looking for a ring right this minute but let him know should he decide he wants to formalize the engagement, you would be receptive. Then don't mention it again. 3
Author alwayshopful Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Unless he brings it up again like he usually does. I am sorry to say its getting old hearing it...just do it already lol
Author alwayshopful Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Ha, that is what I asked him!!!! I said do you just keep saying that to keep me around?? I mean I just don't get it and he said no, what I say is what I mean he told me and I love you as much now as I did in the beginning and I want you with me and I do want to marry you. The issue I have is him getting all defensive...I do not understand it. I just don't see him as being insecure. That is more me...but that is because he is not good at expressing himself or showing it and I feel like he just doesn't are most of the time.
Zahara Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Tell him gently that until he is ready and committed to going through with a proper proposal, that he should just keep it under wraps. For one, you are in no rush and you've only been dating for 10 months so tell him that you would prefer for him to take proposing and starting a life together seriously and that when he is ready, you both can discuss and move forward with it. Tell him it's losing it's significance and lustre if he keeps trivializing it by announcing it every now and then as if he's running to the store to get milk. Cutlery for a X'mas gift? Sounds like he's not very good in the gift giving department so buying a ring might be an even bigger problem for him. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I thought you caught him off guard. For months you haven't been thrilled about the idea, now you're ready to go. He might not have the ring yet & your seemingly sudden interest was perceived as ruining whatever surprise he may have planned. 1
Author alwayshopful Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Maybe you are onto something there d0nnivain. I hadn't thought of it that way however things just seem to be different lately...or maybe he is preoccupied with it...I do not know but I would sure like to find out.
Author alwayshopful Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 That is kind of sad huh??? I wanted to cry!!! He got me a TV for Christmas last year.
imfine Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I remember when my exH bought a new boat while talking up a future with me. I eventually got a ring, not near as nice as his boat, and thinking back it should have been a red flag. What he wanted always came first. Always. I put him first, he put me after his hobbies, family, friends. How does he treat you?
Author alwayshopful Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 He usually does put me before his friends and family but not usually before himself...and I am always trying to put him before myself. LOL...I divorced one man already bc he didn't make me a priority... 1
Zahara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 You posted on Addiction & Recovery. Ten months into your relationship and you're already starving for affection and attention because he's focused on porn. I'm fine with a guy getting off on porn but at the expense of neglecting and avoiding sex with me? That's a different story. What's going to happen 20 months from now? You get TVs and cutlery as gifts. No sex. No attention or affection. Maybe you need to start evaluating this. You divorced one man for not making you a priority, don't settle for another. 1
Author alwayshopful Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Yes, you are right...all sorts of red flags and I moved in with him in March too. I do love him but I do not want to grow old and lonely. It doesn't seem like it matters all that much to him either. We have a blow up about things and then he acts normal and it continues the same way. Things never get better. Maybe I have to high of expectations lol but for some reason I don't think so. I am sure I am no prize either but...
bwright42tx Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I am sure I am no prize either but... No one should feel like that. . .everyone is special and unique and a prize to the right person.
soccerrprp Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 "....Things never get better...." This guy has been talking about a ring for 10-months! Every month for 10-months! It's clear to me based on your initial post and that you have been waiting for him to make the next move....aka "...if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it." But he hasn't. He's a talker and someone who is probably selfish. For 10-months he's been saying this and then he gets called on it...bam...he gets defensive. Red flags waving....
Zahara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I am sure I am no prize either but... Is that your way of justifying his behavior in your head, therefore, making it much more easier to overlook and accept it for what it is? That post was sad. 1
Author alwayshopful Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Is that your way of justifying his behavior in your head, therefore, making it much more easier to overlook and accept it for what it is? That post was sad. Maybe that is what I was trying to do to a point...justify it although I know its not exactly what I should be doing. LOL...I was going to say I feel like I knew this would happen all along but I don't feel like it, I did know it...the red flags have been there from the get go. I was dealing with a health issue last year and he was the only one that didn't act like I had the plague. He didn't however give me what i really needed back then either so in a sense i settled!! My bad...I just try to give people the benefit of the doubt and to not have these outrageous expectations. One would think I would have learned a lesson by now.
Author alwayshopful Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 "....Things never get better...." This guy has been talking about a ring for 10-months! Every month for 10-months! It's clear to me based on your initial post and that you have been waiting for him to make the next move....aka "...if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it." But he hasn't. He's a talker and someone who is probably selfish. For 10-months he's been saying this and then he gets called on it...bam...he gets defensive. Red flags waving.... Yeah, you are right...he is selfish. I think of the other person before myself and I rarely get that returned. I called him out on it and when I call him out on anything he gets defensive. He doesn't like the confrontation...lol funny thing is since my divorce I cannot let things fester. I have to take action.
Zahara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Maybe that is what I was trying to do to a point...justify it although I know its not exactly what I should be doing. LOL...I was going to say I feel like I knew this would happen all along but I don't feel like it, I did know it...the red flags have been there from the get go. I was dealing with a health issue last year and he was the only one that didn't act like I had the plague. He didn't however give me what i really needed back then either so in a sense i settled!! My bad...I just try to give people the benefit of the doubt and to not have these outrageous expectations. One would think I would have learned a lesson by now. The ring is the least of your concerns. You have other things to seriously think about. You don't want to make the same mistake twice. He's showing you red flags. A ring, proposal, marriage isn't going to change who he is, infact I think he'll start to show you more of his colors. 1
Author alwayshopful Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 I dont think there are anymore true colors...I think I have the gist of it. I am sad though...I don't want to face reality and get out.
Zahara Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I dont think there are anymore true colors...I think I have the gist of it. I am sad though...I don't want to face reality and get out. You're going to be sad for a very long and indefinite span of time if you stay with him. And maybe that's more tolerable than being alone? I don't know. A decision you have to make for yourself. 1
crederer Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 You say you're in no rush but your follow up comments say otherwise. You've only been divorced 3 years, why do you want marriage so fast? How old are you? I think he's basically just telling you that he loves you, sees a life with you and when the timing is right, he plans on getting married. The time isn't right currently, though. I see no red flags here.
Author alwayshopful Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 You say you're in no rush but your follow up comments say otherwise. You've only been divorced 3 years, why do you want marriage so fast? How old are you? I think he's basically just telling you that he loves you, sees a life with you and when the timing is right, he plans on getting married. The time isn't right currently, though. I see no red flags here. I do not want to marry quickly...the issue I have is him constantly saying he is gonna marry me and not taking action. I do not get that. Why are you saying it over and over again and not doing anything?? Why not pop the question and getting engaged?? No one said you had to set a date. I am 44...I was married for 17 years, so no, I am not in a rush. The red flags are there...lack of sex and affection. This is not new news though. Its something I thought would be better once we moved in together and were with each other more often.
MidwestUSA Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Hey there, coincidence! I was also married for 17, and found myself divorced at 43. Can I ask how long you have been divorced? And how your dating experiences have been? There was a world of difference between dating immediately post divorce (bad, bad idea) and eight years later. My husband came home with a handful of stickers from the grocery, so excited, because he's saving to apply them toward a....... Set of cutlery! (Yea, I thought of you)
Author alwayshopful Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Hey there, coincidence! I was also married for 17, and found myself divorced at 43. Can I ask how long you have been divorced? And how your dating experiences have been? There was a world of difference between dating immediately post divorce (bad, bad idea) and eight years later. My husband came home with a handful of stickers from the grocery, so excited, because he's saving to apply them toward a....... Set of cutlery! (Yea, I thought of you) I have been divorced for 2 years this past spring so 2 and a half years. My dating experiences post divorce were horrible. I kind of came out of my marriage right into a bad relationship that took me a year to break free from. After that I did a lot of online dating which in itself is a disaster. I don't think there are many genuine men online...they are all after one thing and a relationship is not it. I probably wouldn't do that again...leave it to chance and fate and see what would happen. 8 years after your divorce you dated and met someone?? That is a long time?? I did not take the time after my divorce to just be...I had always been living with someone from the time I was of age...so I was co-dependent and needed someone now.
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