Something so minor, became so major

[Crila16]

My boyfriend of 4 mos said something really upsetting to me last Tuesday. He said his pet peeve is to be kissed on the cheek by a stranger. Then he said I skeeved him out on our first date when I kissed him on the cheek. Of course I got upset at the thought of our first mtg as skeeving him out. It’s silly...but why would he tell me that? I didn’t need to know...just say nothing. He got mad at me for telling him he hurt me, and he got out of the car and slammed the door, saying he now knows he can't be honest with me.

 

 

Anyway, It wasn’t a huge deal or fight, I figured it would blow over, but 4 days later, still no contact.. I bended, even though I thought he was wrong, and contacted him. I asked if he wanted to talk or just walk away, because it wasn’t healthy to not communicate. He blew my txt off for hours, and finally late Sat night said we could talk Sun afternoon. Afternoon came and went, and nothing. I finally sent a txt asking why he was disrespecting me and if he didn’t want to be with me, just give me the courtesy of letting me know.

 

3am this morning, I get a break up txt...when he knew I'd be sleeping. He said I was always throwing things from his past in his face and he didn’t like it and it was best if we stopped seeing each other. He said he knows I deserved to be broken up with in person, but he’s sorry he’s doing it via txt. He said he cared for me a lot, but it wasn’t working, because i was always bringing up the past. Then he asked if we could stay in touch and be friends. I didn’t know where this was coming from. He was the one who hurt me.

 

He knows me...and I got so upset. I txt’d back “what part of your past did I ever throw in your face? If I did, i didn’t mean to hurt you... I love you.” There is one (just one) indiscretion that I joke with him about, but that’s it. After my “I’m confused” txts, he txt’d me back at 9:30am this morning, telling me I was negative about his indiscretion that I threw it in his face all the time...that he brushed it off most of the time, but it bothered him. Then he said he was so sorry for causing me pain and he was sick with sore throat and overloaded at work (summarizing the email). Then he said we could talk about things in a day or 2. I asked why he never told me it upset him. I would never hurt him on purpose and would have stopped immediately if I had known. Then I mentioned getting upset with him when he said I skeeved him out with a cheek kiss, because his opinion really matters to me, and I wanted him to be as happy about our first date as I was.

 

I’m only asking this question, because I can’t stop crying and I feel guilty. Does it sound like it’s over? I mean the guy was planning my birthday party with my friend on Tuesday morning, met my family twice, told me he loved me for the first time 2 weeks ago, talked about moving in with me 1 week ago. Things were going really well. Then this stupid argument ended in a break up.

[Zahara]

It's really bizarre when someone breaks up with you over something so minor. You'd think that if the relationship was of significance, something so simple could be fixed versus sacrificing everything. Don't feel guilty for not being able to read someone's mind.

 

I can't tell you if he is following through with a break-up but you should ask yourself if 1) you want to be with someone that shuts you out for days because he didn't like how you felt and then continues to do so even when you reach out 2) someone that cannot communicate maturely or be emotionally available to discuss their feelings.

 

Know that it will happen again because he's showing you how he deals with conflict.

 

I do have a feeling he used the "throwing his past back at him" as an excuse to end it.

Edited November 11, 2013 by Zahara

[Canadiangirl78]

It sounds to me like he may have been looking for a reason to break things off with you. Why would something so minor upset him that badly? It seems that he may have been thinking about breaking it off for a while, I obviously don't know forsure but that's just my two cents.

[Crila16]

Thank you Zahara.

 

Yeah...that's what I was afraid of. It's strange because we were spending quite a bit of time together, and all the time he was off of work (he works everyday) he's been spending with me.

 

I also wasn't sure if he thought I was going to break up with him first, and he wanted to get me first. I usually bend, and this time I didn't. I think he looked at that as I was going to end it, which I wasn't. It wasn't until I told him I loved him and didn't want us to be over, that he finally txt'd me back after his breakup email.

 

You're right though. Communication is important. I've seen very minor signs of lack of communication, but because it was so new, I wasn't 100% sure. I'm starting to wonder if he's the type of guy that once things start going wrong, he jumps ship and starts over with someone new, until problems start happening in that relationship. He was married for 7 years, but she cheated and left him. That was 10 years ago. He's had several long terms since, but no one he wanted to marry. He talks future with me, but maybe he just doesn't really want it.

[d0nnivain]

Anybody who is such a coward as to break up with you via text message doesn't deserve the time of day, let alone your tears.

 

 

After all this time you two should have been able to joke about his pet peeve. I actually would have turned it into a compliment -- wow I must be really awesome if you stuck around after I skeeved you out.

[Sugarkane]

He's a coward. I don't know why people don't regret it over ending it over such stupid things?

[Crila16]

@Canadagirl.

 

There was actually one time a little over a month ago (It was our first argument, where he said something and I didn’t communicate to him how much it hurt) and I lashed out 2 weeks later and just ended it in a huff like a child. He didn’t like it, told me to be more adult and after we made up, he made me promise never to do that again unless I meant it. Here it is a month later, and he’s breaking up with me. Things have been awesome,and he told me he loved me for the first time. 2 weeks later, he’s looking for a reason or excuse to break it off. I don’t know what really happened.

 

I have no choice but to let him go...I guess I just feel like I hurt him and pushed him into this, when he’s actually making a mountain out of a mole hill. Since he most likely wants to end things with me for good, I’m surprised after his break coward textat 3am that ended everything, he txt’d me back to say we could talk in a day or 2 (due to work). Is he going to just end it with me again,because apparently if he broke up with me with a lame excuse, why would he want to talk again to give me a lame excuse? He obviously just wants it over

[d0nnivain]

Four months & this is at least your 2nd fight? this break up comes 2 weeks after the 1st I love you's. Nobody needs that kind of drama.

 

 

NEXT.

[Zahara]

I know you mentioned that it was odd that he was planning your birthday, talked about moving in, spending all his time together, declaring he loves you for him to suddenly end it. But as odd as it may seem, it happens all the time. They lead you into believing that all is okay and playing the part when secretly within, there's this ongoing lead-up into their decision to break-up.

 

I wonder if he's just emotionally challenged and I have noticed that men that have been badly hurt in a past relationship tend to shut down after that kind of trauma.

 

In any case, whatever his issues are, you don't want to be with someone that is emotionally unavailable. Yes, these guys will talk about the future because the future to them is a very distant hurdle but when it's time to cross that hurdle, they reality is to daunting and they up and leave.

[Crila16]

I agree Sugarkane. I think a lot of people give up too easily now-a-days, and sometimes don't give what could be a beautiful thing a chance. It's like one fight, might as well break up and move on.

 

Yes...he was a coward. That's why I was surprised that he txt'd me back even to get together to talk in a day or 2 when he's not working...after already breaking up with me. We'll see if it happens, though he's usually a person of his word.

[Sugarkane]

This guy sounds like an idiot. Brining up things from months ago? And then blaming you? Typical.

[Crila16]

Thanks Donovan. I know you're right. It's just so hard to feel that way when your hearts involved.

 

That fact that I'm even on this site writing a post looking for advice, is probably not a good omen either. It means that there's a problem with the relationship and it most likely will end, even if we do get back together again, it will only be temporary. I have heard the saying, don't cry over a man, because the right man would never make you cry.

 

Guess what...I've been crying since 3am this morning.

[Sugarkane]

Ive wondered a lot about this too. Guys are brilliant at doing this.

I know you mentioned that it was odd that he was planning your birthday, talked about moving in, spending all his time together, declaring he loves you for him to suddenly end it. But as odd as it may seem, it happens all the time. They lead you into believing that all is okay and playing the part when secretly within, there's this ongoing lead-up into their decision to break-up.

 

I wonder if he's just emotionally challenged and I have noticed that men that have been badly hurt in a past relationship tend to shut down after that kind of trauma.

 

In any case, whatever his issues are, you don't want to be with someone that is emotionally unavailable. Yes, these guys will talk about the future because the future to them is a very distant hurdle but when it's time to cross that hurdle, they reality is to daunting and they up and leave.

[todreaminblue]

i think things that hurt people shouldn't be said and if there is a past that includes hurt they need to be dealt with once...not twice .....once and its over.....i have never ignored calls from partners......and they have never ignored mine even as exes i communicate....if there's a delay in my answer it is because i am busy or i am thinking of how to deal with a situation

 

there were immaturity shown on both sides here , seems you are hold onto things that hurt you.....guilty of this myself but i dont let it get to others and not partners........i internalize my hurts.....sometimes makes me really sick.....anyway....

 

 

if a guy i was with said to me i dont like kisses on the cheek it turned me off on our first date....i would say obviously not enough huh......smile and kiss him on the cheek again.......you didnt know him he didnt know you on a first date so awkwardness is normal......

 

in saying this i think he has been thinking about breaking up with you for a while......

[Crila16]

@Zahara.

 

He was totally destroyed by his ex wife. They were together for a total of 10 years, 3 years dating and marriage for 7. He was with her since highschool, and got married young. She ended up cheating. They've been divorced for 10 yrs, but she's remarried with children. He moved on 6 months after the divorce and dated and lived w/ a woman for 3 years....another for 2 years...and another for 3 years. He said through all those relationships, he never stopped thinking about his ex wife. Then he took a 2 year break from dating anyone seriously, until he met me. He said in the last 2 years, for the first time he doesn't feel a thing for his ex, and this was his first relationship, where she wasn't even a thought and he felt free of her, even before meeting me.

 

Sooo...maybe that relationship did destroy him for future happiness, but she's moved on just fine. He's still single.

[Zahara]

Sooo...maybe that relationship did destroy him for future happiness, but she's moved on just fine. He's still single.

 

Yep, been with a guy that was traumatized by an ex. I used to hear him say that the trauma made it hard for him to truly open up. Relationship after relationship and he couldn't go the distance.

[Crila16]

@Zahara...I'm assuming you and the guy broke up? Was it the communication factor, or the couldn't commit factor?

[Zahara]

@Zahara...I'm assuming you and the guy broke up? Was it the communication factor, or the couldn't commit factor?

 

Yes, we did. I tried hard to keep accommodating him because of his "trauma" but I couldn't take his inability to communicate, especially emotionally and his fear of committing. When I would leave, he would pull me back, when he'd get me back, he'd push me away. It was exhausting. He'd come back every 6 months. And when we would fight, he'd blame me for everything and would go silent for days. It was sheer mental and emotional abuse.

[Crila16]

@Zahara.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

My guy actually has been a really great guy until this argument last week. I don't like the way he handled it at all. He's the first guy I've ever brought home that my dad loved.

 

I don't doubt he cares about me...but after this argument, it triggered something, and I don't know what. I'm starting to feel guilty again, because now I'm thinking, if I'm so sensitive when he speaks how he's feeling to me and I get upset, how can he open up and tell me anything. I think that's what he's trying to tell me.

 

I don't know. I'm just hurt and confused, and I've got to accept that it's most likely over. The silly obviously triggered something bigger. I'm going to have to just leave him be.

[Zahara]

Yes, they're great at the beginning of the relationship. Once the honeymoon period wears off and the reality of commitment begins to flash in neon colors, they run. After our 8th month, I said I loved him and it went downhill. He would get snappy and annoyed at trivial things. It was the stress of being in the relationship and having to deal with the commitment that was inevitably going to be something he had to face.

 

I'm sure he cares for you but not enough to carry through with the relationship and then find such excuses to end it. And then leave you hanging for days? Not good. And if something is bothering him with how you behave, you don't end it, you don't let it brew for months and then BOOM end it. You let your partner in on the issue so it can be fixed/she can fix it.

 

All you can do is leave him be. Accept that he wants to end for whatever his reasons may be. All you can do.

[Canadiangirl78]

I'm sorry but this guy sounds to me like a bit of a jerk..is it possible that he's intentionally leaving you hanging by saying we can talk in a day or two? I only say that because my ex had major communication issues as well. If I was ever angry or upset by something he said/did and I voiced my concerns, it would somehow get turned around and twisted by him and by the end of the fight he was telling me what I worthless human being I am. I never understood how I would go to him about something that was bothering ME about him and his behaviour but before I knew it we were talking about ME and I was defending myself. He also would never want to talk when I wanted to, it always had to be on his time and when he was ready. It hardly seemed fair to me. If I needed to talk, it wouldn't matter, it wasn't happening until HE wanted to. It still boggles my mind how he could twist things the way he did and make me feel so insignificant. Sorry, off on a bit of a tangent there..anyway, I'm just thinking this guy wants you in limbo for some reason. The way he didn't contact you for days and then when you reached out to him he brushed you off until HE was ready. It just seems selfish to me and reminded me of my ex. It is probably a stroke to his ego knowing that you are just waiting until HE is ready to talk.

[Crila16]

@Canadiangirl.

 

I think he does like knowing I'm wrapped around his finger, and these are the things I need to discuss or figure out. When I controlled the relationship by not chasing him, he was hurt and maybe punishing me? I don't know, because he's never been like this before. I know he's always been great with me...and when I need him, he's been there. He even took off a busy work weekend for me, and came with me to Boston (4 hour drive) to my parents for my mom's big birthday. He was even coming home with me for Thanksgiving and taking work off, because he knew it was important to me.

 

Anyway, I agree with what you're saying...that it's on his terms. I'm actually really mad about that and is another thing I need to bring up with him.

 

I know it's probably the end, but I hope I at least get a chance to speak my mind. His behaviour (whether he has valid points or not) is wrong, and I did call him out on his lack of respect.

[sambo77]

It's really bizarre when someone breaks up with you over something so minor. You'd think that if the relationship was of significance, something so simple could be fixed versus sacrificing everything. Don't feel guilty for not being able to read someone's mind.

 

I can't tell you if he is following through with a break-up but you should ask yourself if 1) you want to be with someone that shuts you out for days because he didn't like how you felt and then continues to do so even when you reach out 2) someone that cannot communicate maturely or be emotionally available to discuss their feelings.

 

Know that it will happen again because he's showing you how he deals with conflict.

 

I do have a feeling he used the "throwing his past back at him" as an excuse to end it.

 

This is spot on.

 

He sounds very much like my ex too. You would certainly think if someone "loves you" then they would show you understanding, patience, and compassion and be willing to work together as a couple to move through whatever you face...together.

 

When people (a) can't deal with how you feel (your anger or frustration) in a mature fashion, (b) are unable to show up emotionally or verbally to communicate their feelings, and © demonstrate their own anger passively by ignoring you, blanking you, and shunning your attempts to communicate...then there is a problem.

 

If this is how he handles conflict, then you're better off knowing that now. You'd have pushed these buttons eventually...without a shadow of a doubt. I had a very similar incident with my ex and I simply could not BELIEVE that we were done because of a few relatively minor issues...couldn't believe it. I was so shocked that I was sure we could sort it out...but she kinda flipped...completely changed.

 

Because it seems so ridiculous you feel compelled to try to fix it...I found that it was a surprisingly impossible thing to fix.