Willis Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 My ex texted me on Facebook yesterday. It's been FOUR years since our break up and other than some humiliating attempts at getting her back in the first few days after the break up, I simply went NC and moved on. She moved on pretty quickly and spent some years with this new guy. They lived together and all that but they broke up three-four months ago (I know this from Facebook) after a two-three year relationship. I was with her for a year. She texted me on FB: "Hi. Long time no see. How are you? Congrats on your new job!" I responded "Hi. I'm really good. Thanks. How are you?" We texted for a whole day but mostly talked about her life. She moved away, has a new job, she traveled to Europe, stayed there two months (although she claimed she was away for FOUR months? - why would she exaggerate?) and stuff like that. When I think about it, she talked a lot about herself and much of it were things she always told me she wanted to do (travel, move, study abroad) and she made it clear she was realizing her dreams, much to the point where I actually wrote: "Sounds like you're chasing your dreams" She responded "Thanks. And so are you!" (I recently landed a job I once told her I wanted) She seems happy to speak to me again, she initiated the contact but she NEVER tried to in the past. When we broke up she never once spoke to me again, which has made me question her intentions with this sudden contact?????????? Any advice? She's single, I'm single, I'm open to finding out what she wants and then taking it from there.
JBlackstone Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Why did you break up the first time? I'd say 4 years is enough time to have really changed as a person so your relationship could be different. I definitely believe in second chances, so I would say see what happens! But be cautious, if her last relationship only ended a few months ago she could be confused. She may be reaching out to you because she's feeling nostalgic, she misses you, or she's finally over you and was simply saying hello to someone she used to date. There could be a million reasons behind her contact. I would take it slow and stay cautious! 4
organizedchaos Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 My ex texted me on Facebook yesterday. It's been FOUR years since our break up and other than some humiliating attempts at getting her back in the first few days after the break up, I simply went NC and moved on. She moved on pretty quickly and spent some years with this new guy. They lived together and all that but they broke up three-four months ago (I know this from Facebook) after a two-three year relationship. I was with her for a year. She texted me on FB: "Hi. Long time no see. How are you? Congrats on your new job!" I responded "Hi. I'm really good. Thanks. How are you?" We texted for a whole day but mostly talked about her life. She moved away, has a new job, she traveled to Europe, stayed there two months (although she claimed she was away for FOUR months? - why would she exaggerate?) and stuff like that. When I think about it, she talked a lot about herself and much of it were things she always told me she wanted to do (travel, move, study abroad) and she made it clear she was realizing her dreams, much to the point where I actually wrote: "Sounds like you're chasing your dreams" She responded "Thanks. And so are you!" (I recently landed a job I once told her I wanted) She seems happy to speak to me again, she initiated the contact but she NEVER tried to in the past. When we broke up she never once spoke to me again, which has made me question her intentions with this sudden contact?????????? Any advice? She's single, I'm single, I'm open to finding out what she wants and then taking it from there. Well if she moved away, then what's the point of getting your hopes up?
Author Willis Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Well if she moved away, then what's the point of getting your hopes up? Well, she didn't move that far away from where I live actually. I don't see why that would mean I shouldn't get my hopes up if it's just an hour away from where I live currently. We are both in our 20s btw.
Author Willis Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Why did you break up the first time? I'd say 4 years is enough time to have really changed as a person so your relationship could be different. I definitely believe in second chances, so I would say see what happens! But be cautious, if her last relationship only ended a few months ago she could be confused. She may be reaching out to you because she's feeling nostalgic, she misses you, or she's finally over you and was simply saying hello to someone she used to date. There could be a million reasons behind her contact. I would take it slow and stay cautious! We broke up because she wasn't sure what she felt for me at the time and I wanted to pursue my dream and moved away during the most critical time in our relationship. She dumped me about two months after I moved away and was already with this new guy three months after. I think she was finally over me before all this. It seemed she was in a good relationship for three years, so I highly doubt she had any feelings for me.
AllTooWell Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 In my view depending on her situation with her now exboyfriend (the one that she just broke up with) She ws probably feeling rejected by him and reached out to you. A LOOOT of people do this when they're broken up with. I just had an ex reach out to me after 3 years because he and his ex just had a mutual breakup. It's been 4 years so like above, you could pursue something again. But I don't think you should automatically assume that's what she wants. She could have easily just wanted to catch up, see how you are doing, etc. 1
Stealth3 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 You just proves to her that you're the biggest doormat out there. It's been 4 ****ing years and you answer like its nothing. She says jump and you ask how high. She doesn't give a **** about your life and your dreams and all that bs. Where was she a few years ago? Why all if the sudden she cares how you're doing? She only messaged you because of her recent breakup and needed an ego boost. She wanted to know if her pet was still out there. I mean holy **** dude...she ignores you, threats you like ****...ignores you all this time and the second is convenient for her to talk to you, you just answer like nothing happened. My advice, stop being a doormat before you hurt yourself again. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. She made her choice long ago, you should have stayed NC. Stand up for yourself and forget about her or go after her and be her second choice doormat until she dumps you again for a potential first choice that she puts her eyes on. 4
Chi townD Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Don't you find it strange that she contacts you after coming out of this long term relationship with this dude? She knows you, has felt comfortable around you and that's what I suspect is happening here. You're familiar and comfortable. Dude, you're setting yourself up to be the "rebound guy". 1
Stealth3 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Its even worse because you said you texted all day... So after 4 years and her ignoring you and treating you like ****, you just dedicate a whole weekend day for her just like that. She doesn't even apologize, just pretends like it never happened. And you just pretend it never happened and listen to her bitch about **** like you are her personal tampon where she can let it all out... You showed her that even after all the time and all she did, you still respect her enough to dedicate a day worth of texting to her. You showed her she still has power over you and is important enough.....
aybc123 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 imo she just wants to reconnect catch up and see how each other were doing because you cared for each other previously. I dont think its that strange. When you break up with someone everything is too fresh to have a friendship or talk about it which is half the reason i think dumpers seem to act so coldly. Then when you're in a relationship a) youre not really interested in anyone else and b) even if you wanted to be friends it's not totally appropriate, especially if there is anything unresolved. It's really cynical to think shes just doing this for an ego stroke , i mean ultimately that is the reason but that's the reason everyone does everything, to feel good/ better, there are no unselfish acts. If it were me i'd just be pleased that she obviously cared enough in the first place to want to catch up, be friendly myself but leave it at that a casual friend you have some shared happy memories with. An hour away would be too far for me to want to pursue anything but i can see why op is tempted because they didnt break up in the first place due to not wanting to be together (i assume if he'd stuck around they would've lasted a lot longer). 1
aybc123 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Its even worse because you said you texted all day... So after 4 years and her ignoring you and treating you like ****, you just dedicate a whole weekend day for her just like that. She doesn't even apologize, just pretends like it never happened. And you just pretend it never happened and listen to her bitch about **** like you are her personal tampon where she can let it all out... You showed her that even after all the time and all she did, you still respect her enough to dedicate a day worth of texting to her. You showed her she still has power over you and is important enough..... guys stop putting your own baggage onto this situation, they broke up because he moved away, he said they didnt talk for 4 years not that one or the other were ignoring each other. Dont be so bitter. 6
Sugarkane Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Don't you just love it when dumpers contact you out of the blue, years later?! Laughable. Can I do this? For some reason this doesn't make the dumper desperate And not over it.
aybc123 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 ^ It doesnt make it the case if you're the dumpee either, that's only your personal perspective on the situation influenced by your current mindset. If i got dumped went NC for 6 months got into a relationship for 3 years, came out of it and then after a few months later wondered what my ex of all those years was upto i wouldnt be like 'oh but i can't ill seem desperate and clingy' it just wouldnt enter into my consciousness because i wouldnt be feeling desperate or clingy, i just cared about them and wanted to catch up now that it was an appropriate time. if they didn't respond imo that makes them the one with the problem, from either perspective whether you dumped or got dumped like 'oh god its been 4 years and they're still not over it? seriously? lol'
Sugarkane Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Because why else does everyone on here say not to contact them, even years later? Especially if the dumper left out of the blue and left everything unresolved. You'd be lucky to get a reply. QUOTE=aybc123;5332916]^ It doesnt make it the case if you're the dumpee either, that's only your personal perspective on the situation influenced by your current mindset. If i got dumped went NC for 6 months got into a relationship for 3 years, came out of it and then after a few months later wondered what my ex of all those years was upto i wouldnt be like 'oh but i can't ill seem desperate and clingy' it just wouldnt enter into my consciousness because i wouldnt be feeling desperate or clingy, i just cared about them and wanted to catch up now that it was an appropriate time. if they didn't respond imo that makes them the one with the problem, from either perspective whether you dumped or got dumped like 'oh god its been 4 years and they're still not over it? seriously? lol'
Sugarkane Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 And this is what dumpers seem to think if you contact them, YEARS later. ^ It doesnt make it the case if you're the dumpee either, that's only your personal perspective on the situation influenced by your current mindset. If i got dumped went NC for 6 months got into a relationship for 3 years, came out of it and then after a few months later wondered what my ex of all those years was upto i wouldnt be like 'oh but i can't ill seem desperate and clingy' it just wouldnt enter into my consciousness because i wouldnt be feeling desperate or clingy, i just cared about them and wanted to catch up now that it was an appropriate time. if they didn't respond imo that makes them the one with the problem, from either perspective whether you dumped or got dumped like 'oh god its been 4 years and they're still not over it? seriously? lol'
Confusedguy81 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 You just proves to her that you're the biggest doormat out there. It's been 4 ****ing years and you answer like its nothing. She says jump and you ask how high. She doesn't give a **** about your life and your dreams and all that bs. Where was she a few years ago? Why all if the sudden she cares how you're doing? She only messaged you because of her recent breakup and needed an ego boost. She wanted to know if her pet was still out there. I mean holy **** dude...she ignores you, threats you like ****...ignores you all this time and the second is convenient for her to talk to you, you just answer like nothing happened. My advice, stop being a doormat before you hurt yourself again. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. She made her choice long ago, you should have stayed NC. Stand up for yourself and forget about her or go after her and be her second choice doormat until she dumps you again for a potential first choice that she puts her eyes on. I completely agree with this. I would have responded maybe days later or something and wouldn't have kept the conversation going for very long. I would say something like "Glad you're doing well. Take care of yourself" and end it at that.
2fargone Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 And this is what dumpers seem to think if you contact them, YEARS later. You seem like a very bitter person. I hope you feel better some day....
devilish innocent Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 She's probably contacting you for the same reason people contact somebody they used to be friends with. Because it's interesting to see how people's lives have turned out and to go over what happened in your own life. It's possible, although not certain, that there could be a few lingering feelings from the past mixed in there as well. Given the circumstances, if you're still interested in her, you can always try asking her out on a date. You would need to start all over again from scratch at this point. You both have had time to change. You'd need to get to know each other all over again, and then see whether or not feelings redevelop. She could still turn you down, so you should make sure you're at a point where you can handle another rejection from her.
Sugarkane Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 You seem like a very bitter person. I hope you feel better some day.... Just telling the truth, since there's double standards in the dumper vs dumpee contacting. Thanks for your opinion.
Sugarkane Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 If i posted on here should I contact the ex that brought me here. People would say no. So why is it ok for a dumper too? Please answer if you actually have an opinion.
Chi townD Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Hey, it's been years and if you're at the point where you have no romantic feelings towards her and you are indifferent towards her, then go ahead and talk each others ears off. All I'M saying is don't get sucked back into being "rebound guy". Remember, she just got out of a long term relationship and is feeling a bit alone right now. 1
Author Willis Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Its even worse because you said you texted all day... So after 4 years and her ignoring you and treating you like ****, you just dedicate a whole weekend day for her just like that. She doesn't even apologize, just pretends like it never happened. And you just pretend it never happened and listen to her bitch about **** like you are her personal tampon where she can let it all out... You showed her that even after all the time and all she did, you still respect her enough to dedicate a day worth of texting to her. You showed her she still has power over you and is important enough..... Apologize for what exactly? That I moved away and could see her once every two weeks? Or because she was tired of missing me? The break-up was hard on both of us, but she ended up moving on first. Should she apologize for that? Thanks for this aggressive response, though. I appreciate it.
Author Willis Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Don't you find it strange that she contacts you after coming out of this long term relationship with this dude? She knows you, has felt comfortable around you and that's what I suspect is happening here. You're familiar and comfortable. Dude, you're setting yourself up to be the "rebound guy". It could be. It felt good speaking to her again but I guess she could be searching for someone to ease her pain? And I don't want to be that dude. But what if she's doing it because she truly misses me? Should I just suspect #1 and ignore her from now on?
cavalier99 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) Umm what is the big deal about talking to an ex after your recovered?? Im not even sure what there is to analyze. It is like talking to anyone else. Everyone has some sorta motive to get back in touch after a while. Be it a BU, a thought, a fond memory..who cares. No big deal IMO. Also who cares if you ease her pain about a BU. I could be viewed as an emotioal tampon for many of my friends and even an EX. But when you are indifferednt it isnt being an emotional tampon (this only applies in the months post BU were you need to avoid this like the plague) ..it is just being a friend or friendly years later. They do the same for me. I ocasinally dump all sorts of relationship BS on my most recent ex and friends and get advise or at least someone to listen to me. No big deal. Cav Edited November 12, 2013 by cavalier99 1
Author Willis Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Umm what is the big deal about talking to an ex after your recovered?? Im not even sure what there is to analyze. It is like talking to anyone else. Everyone has some sorta motive to get back in touch after a while. Be it a BU, a thought, a fond memory..who cares. No big deal IMO. Also who cares if you ease her pain about a BU. I could be viewed as an emotioal tampon for many of my friends and even an EX. But when you are indifferednt it isnt being an emotional tampon (this only applies in the months post BU were you need to avoid this like the plague) ..it is just being a friend or friendly years later. They do the same for me. I ocasinally dump all sorts of relationship BS on my most recent ex and friends and get advise or at least someone to listen to me. No big deal. Cav She's the type to move on and never look back. So when she does look back it's quite interesting. You have to keep in mind that four years of complete NC is too long to suddenly just "be friendly." Why not be friendly while her boyfriend is around? Why only text when you're single again? 1
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