girlie123 Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 My boyfriend and I have been broken up for a little more than two months. We were very serious, and were together for a year and a half. It was mutual at the time but has turned out to be harder on him than me. I'm dating someone else now, and we're having a great time together in every way. I'm so much happier, not just because of the new relationship, but because of all kinds of personal changes I've been able to make, so much growth. The only problem: the new guy is my ex's former roommate, and we were all friends before the breakup. This new guy and I had a history, though, so our relationship didn't come out of nowhere. This is a very touchy issue because my ex saw the affection between me and my new boyfriend, even when we were still together. It caused problems for us before the breakup. My friends say it's my responsibility to tell my ex I'm with this new person. I don't really think I have any obligation. To me, I've moved on, and am continuing my life in the way I hope he can continue his. We haven't even spoken to each other in about a month; it seems like it would be doubly awkward to see him and tell him that I'm seeing someone. Do I need to break this news in person? Let him hear it through the grapevine? Let him draw his own conclusions?
indigo_moon Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 I don't think you owe him any kind of explanation.....you're no longer together and neither has to tell the other anything with respect to the dating/relationship issue. If this new bf was the cause of past friction between you and your now-ex, he likely will draw his own conclusions but do you think there will be anything you can say to make him believe otherwise? Likely not. Just go about your life and hope this one works out !
head/heels Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 hate to be your boyfriend....counting my blessings your not.....
head/heels Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 not to be mean but you should have not had a past history with his roomate even if it was just flirting or grabarse...but what goes around comes around and i hope you can take it when one of your bfs flirts, has a "history" with and then goes out with your roomate....of all the guys in the world you chose to go out with his roomate...i dont care if they arent roomates anymore....that is just low....well i guess you reap what you sow......good luck and keep your guard up...karma is a biatch!
Chris_T. Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 So, you were in a "serious" relationship with your BF but flirted with his roomate in front of him. Hmmmm. I bet you swore up and down to him that you and his roomate were "just friends" and he had nothing to worry about. Don't bother telling him, like a previous poster stated, there's nothing you would be able to do or say that would make him believe something wasn't going on when you were together. Just leave him alone and let him heal and move on with his life.
Miss Perfection Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 No you dont have to tell him ANYTHING. You said yourself the break up was harder on HIM than it was on you. Think about this LOGICALLY for a sec.....why would you want to break the news to your EX, when YOU know its going to make him feel worse. I know you REALLY want to tell him about your "NEW GUY" because its going to put a big smile on your face when you see his self esteem crumble. I mean, come on THINK....you guys broke up...im sure he knows you are going to date someone else. You guys havent made contact with each other for a month now...why make contact now? just to rub it in his face?
indigo_moon Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 Originally posted by Miss Perfection No you dont have to tell him ANYTHING. You said yourself the break up was harder on HIM than it was on you. Think about this LOGICALLY for a sec.....why would you want to break the news to your EX, when YOU know its going to make him feel worse. I know you REALLY want to tell him about your "NEW GUY" because its going to put a big smile on your face when you see his self esteem crumble. I mean, come on THINK....you guys broke up...im sure he knows you are going to date someone else. You guys havent made contact with each other for a month now...why make contact now? just to rub it in his face? Yep, it would just be rubbing it into his face and that would be really mean and heartless, I think. She speaks of a 'history' she had with this current BF (who is her ex's former roommate), and how at the time she was with her ex, he (ex) noticed the affection between her and former roommate........hmmmm.....what was really going on there? Maybe the ex had reason to be upset back then.........?
Author girlie123 Posted December 19, 2004 Author Posted December 19, 2004 hey guys, just wanted to clarify that i'm not a despicable person. a) my motivation for talking to my ex is not to "rub my new boyfriend in his face." it's to show that i have enough respect for him that i didn't want him to hear about it from someone else. however, if it's going to hurt more than help, i don't want to do it. THAT was the reason for this post. b) i never had anything going on with my new boyfriend while i was with my ex. i was 100% faithful and good to him, and loved him more than anything. it didn't end because i decided one day that i wanted to be with this new person; there were many factors other than that which influenced our breakup. c) "history" with the new guy is defined as dating when we were freshmen in college, follwed by never having romantic contact until my relationship with my ex had ended. no, there was no flirting in front of my boyfriend. there was no cheating. "history" was meant to say that we had been exposed to each other in a dating situation in the past. sorry that you guys came to such drastic conclusions about my character. it's not at all an easy situation, and i'm not here to wave my new boyfriend as a victory flag. i was asking for advice in order to avoid that, as a matter of fact. thanks!
Chris_T. Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 I would never judge your character...I don't even know you, and everyone has skeletons. OK, so you clarified the situation for me. I'd say no, don't tell him anything. Nothing good can come from it. If he hears about it, he hears about it. You have your own life to live.
XNemesisX Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 I second that. Don't tell him. It would only be adding insult to injury. He's already having a hard enough time with this breakup. That is everyone's worst nightmare. Go through an intense breakup, then have the ex call only 2 months later and say they are dating their ex (who also happens to be your old roommate). Whoa. Please don't tell the poor guy.
Miss Perfection Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 i was 100% faithful and good to him, and loved him more than anything. it didn't end because i decided one day that i wanted to be with this new person; there were many factors other than that which influenced our breakup. This is a very touchy issue because my ex saw the affection between me and my new boyfriend, even when we were still together. It caused problems for us before the breakup. ^^^YOU CONTRADICTED YOURSELF^^^ 100% faithful my a**. You had strong feelings for the guy while you and your ex were together. Why didnt you tell your EX that BS when you were dating...I bet he would have dropped your a** in a new york minute. I know I would've. WOW.... Im sorry for bashing you like this but if I was in your EX's shoes...I would be PISSED off for having a girl use me. Yes thats right you USED him. I know theres more to your story and you are probably leaving out some important details....oh well. I would really love to hear your EX's side of the story.....
Author girlie123 Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 nope, i can say with a totally clear conscience that i did not "use" my ex. i was always respectful of him, and never flirted or cheated with this other person. our relationship was fulfilling for both of us while we were together, and i believe that he would say the same thing. it was after our relationship deteriorated that my new boyfriend asked me out, which, according to traditional rules of dating, is perfectly acceptable, or it was last time i checked. i think that it's natural to develop feelings for people, and sometimes you can't help being attracted to someone even if you are in a relationship. even married people are attracted to other people besides their spouse. it's what you do with those feelings that is important. in my case, i did NOT act on those feelings until i had honestly and fairly ended things with my boyfriend. throughout the relationship, i think my ex noticed the potential for relationship between myself and this person and that was difficult for him. i put very substantial effort into staying out of situations which would make my ex uncomfortable; i stayed away from this person as much as i could in order not to hurt my ex. Miss Perfection, although you tell me i had "strong feelings" for the other guy, i must insist that i know myself better than you do. the issue here is not whether i was faithful, honest, or whether i used my ex boyfriend. i don't need opinions on that because i know full well that i was a wonderful girlfriend to him and did everything i could to make him comfortable and happy. it is impossible to make a character judgement from a forum, especially when the issues of concern span years, as they do in this situation. i believe my question regarding telling him about my new boyfriend has been answered, and thanks to everyone that gave me advice!
indigo_moon Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Though you protest to have been above board as far as this roommate (now boyfriend) was concerned, you told a somewhat different story back in September of this year, here's the quote where you admitted to wanting to date him THEN, while you were STILL in your relationship with your now-ex: Originally posted by girlie123 hey mysticalstar, i am in the EXACT same situation as you, except i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. we broke up once and got back together. his former roommate has liked me for 2 years and recently told me!!! i liked him before i started dating my boyfriend, and i would love to date him (we have been involved before). my current relationship is a little suffocating, and i think i might be too young to be so "hardcore" about someone. i wish there were a simple, painless way to date casually without hurting my boyfriend. the link for above thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=314264#post314264 Interesting.
Chris_T. Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Originally posted by indigo_moon Though you protest to have been above board as far as this roommate (now boyfriend) was concerned, you told a somewhat different story back in September of this year, here's the quote where you admitted to wanting to date him THEN, while you were STILL in your relationship with your now-ex: the link for above thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=314264#post314264 Interesting. Whoo.
Author girlie123 Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 you are correct. i take full responsibility for that post. i don't dispute that i liked this other guy, had feelings for him, cared for him even. i did like him while i was with my boyfriend. i doubt that i'm the only person who has had this experience. between all those posts were plenty of good days, bad days, confusion, arguments, and a million other things that can never be explained over the internet, that are between him and me, that are personal. our relationship did not work out for several reasons that, believe it or not, had nothing to do with the person i'm currently with. i wanted to be in a more open relationship, yes. i did what i thought was best, and that's really all that anyone in this world can do. i'm a better person now, and a happier, more complete person. that's something that only i can know. although i had feelings for this other person, i didn't act on them. at least i didn't go behind my ex's back with a secret relationship, like plenty of other people do. is it cheating to feel affection for someone else? maybe, to some people. to me, though, i tried to love my ex with everything i had, and when i knew i couldn't do that anymore, i let him know and we ended our relationship. i feel like that was the decent thing to do. thanks guys.
Mary3 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 You were NEVER fair to your other bf because you wrestled with feelings for the *other* guy..... This is shameful and deceitful on your part and now you are trying to mend the broken fence.... Too late.
Author girlie123 Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 how is wrestling with feelings for someone else unfair to my ex? i believe that "wrestling" is, in fact, a good word for it. i struggled with it for a long time, trying to make those feelings go away and reconcile those emotions to myself. it was a fight with myself during which i had to make lots of tough decisions, some on my own and some with my ex-boyfriend. in the end, the result for us turned out to be a breakup. here's another interesting question: how many of you have been in a relationship in which you began to have feelings for another person? how did you handle it? did you cheat? a lot of people do. did you put those feelings aside? it's harder than it sounds. if you did, are you still happy with your relationship? by the way, there is no attempted mending of the proverbial fence going on here. what's done is done. i'm over it, and i've moved on, hence the original question of this post.
Miss Perfection Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Originally posted by girlie123 hey mysticalstar, i am in the EXACT same situation as you, except i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. we broke up once and got back together. his former roommate has liked me for 2 years and recently told me!!! i liked him before i started dating my boyfriend, and i would love to date him (we have been involved before). my current relationship is a little suffocating, and i think i might be too young to be so "hardcore" about someone. i wish there were a simple, painless way to date casually without hurting my boyfriend[/QuoTE] LOL " I think I might be too young to be so "hardcore" about someone" Yes, come up with excuses so you wont FEEL bad for leaving your bf for another guy. If you are too young then why are you even dating ? The whole point of dating is to find somone to have a "hardcore" relationship with. Sounds like you need men to get you through life. You USE men and suck the life out of them and then when you had enough you leave them and jump to the next. WOW I would love to call you so many names right now but I know my account will get deleted if I do. FEELING CREATURE!!!! I hope everyone reads this...this is amazing proof of how MOST women are. Not ALL but MOST. Especially the younger ones indigo_moon you are my HERO. Nice find!
Author girlie123 Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 haha, okay, okay, i'll admit it. i am nothing but a heartless, cruel animal who entices men into relationships only to suck the life out of them over several years and leave them gasping, heartbroken and listeless on the side of the road of life. muahahahaha you got me. it's almost flattering to be considered so powerful! no, jk. i appreciate being lumped into the category of "most women - especially the young ones." in fact, i mostly agree. i am a young woman, and probably behave like a lot of women do (and men, for that matter). i'm not even 20 years old. i'm capable of making mistakes. i'm young, i'm inexperienced, and sometimes i'm - gasp - wrong! i still agree with this infamous post of mine which has apparently come back to haunt me. i wasn't ready for the kind of serious relationship i had at the time. that's why i'm not in it any more. i got tired of feeling like i was married, tired of fighting like a married person, tired of acting like that. i didn't exit that relationship with the aspiration of becoming a slut, but of finding other people with whom i could have a good time and get along. and i have! so props to that. Miss Perfection, i agree with you that the primary social purpose of dating is to find someone to have a "hardcore" relationship with. however, most young adults (at least, most of the ones i go to college with) are not looking for marriage or significant long-term commitment right now. that includes me. i'm just trying to figure out what i do want in that "hardcore" person, and i'm going to date around until i discover what that is. additionally, anyone who has enough spare time and nothing better to do is welcome to listen to the legitimate reasons for my failed relationship which do not relate to my current boyfriend, since evidently most of those reasons have been determined for me by eager forum-readers. it appears that there are plenty of you out there. just let me know. until then, watch out, because i just might drain all the relationship health out of your soul, and abandon you, just as i have the countless numbers of weak men who will never again function successfully in the dating world because of my ruthlessness and cruelty!
Miss Perfection Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 so what are your plans with this new guy? sex? just for a good time? how about you dont date until you are ready and looking for a serious relationship? hows that for an idea? I bet you cant do that though...the thought of not having a man in your life for more than a few months is the WORST thing for you. Go ahead and continue what you are doing...but tell the guys you leave heartbroken that the reason you are leaving is because you want to bang someone else.
XNemesisX Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Girlie, I think that most of us here on this forum are most likely in situations or have been in situations that are like that of your ex-boyfriend. It is hard to find sympathy for you when we know and understand the pain he is probably going through. That is all. I think that it probably is best to just be single if you are looking at a "hardcore relationship" as being something that you are not even wanting to consider right now.. By dating someone for 2 years and allowing there to be a label of boyfriend and girlfriend when you just don't really truly want it to last is just insincere to that other person. Isn't the whole point of dating trying to find a potential wife/husband? Otherwise, why bother? I think you should think about this very carefully before committing again. Its ok to feel that way, that is why there is such a thing as being single~! Just don't hurt others by leading them to believe you are more serious than you are. It isn't fair. If you are looking at each boyfriend as "temporary" that just really sucks for them once they get their heart into it. Just try and look at your actions from another point of view.
indigo_moon Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 In girlie's defense, I don't think it's fair to call her a "whore." Now maybe I'll seem like a hypocrite for writing all this, as it was me who found her somewhat contradictory "old post", but after giving this more thought, I think she at LEAST didn't go screwing around on her then-boyfriend, something that's so in fashion these days. At least she's here wondering how to proceed so that she doesn't cause more pain to her ex (in terms of how he "finds out" about her new guy). She's not even 20.......when you're that young, you're not ready to "settle down" ....there's nothing wrong with dating different people and thereby gaining relationship experience. How many 19/20 yr olds are ready to get married? I DO think though, that this age is an impressionable one.......and if she's learned that she doesn't want a serious "hardcore" relationship, she needs to tell any prospective date that right off the bat.......including her current guy..................so there's no misunderstandings and hurt to him down the road. Again, I wouldn't call her a whore at all. What she's admitted to is peanuts compared to some of the crap people on here post about (being involved in affairs, for example, breaking up families and marriages) and the latter group of people don't get this kind of heated response.
Miss Perfection Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 What I dont understand is how someone can just have FEELINGS for someone else while dating someone they say they "LOVE" then drop everything and jump to the next person. I would never even have that thought in my mind..If I didnt like the person I was with I wouldnt lead them on and wait until I find a replacement for them. I would do it right then and there...but theres no way I would even date someone for more than 6months and not know if this person is even worth it. 2 years is way too long...now you screwed over a good man and hes going to wonder wtf he did wrong. He didnt do sh*t it was all YOU. peace..im getting steamed up over here...... Women wonder why men become a**h***S. For this very reason.
sandra parker Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 I think we are all being a bit harsh here. For the most part, we are in pain, and in the other side of the fence sort of speak. If I search long enough, he!he! I can remember being that young and yes, I can remember being where she is. I agree, there are certain ways everyone should follow in order to be humane and kind to others, but is there really a easy way to let someone down??? I am a dumpee and have struggled with anger/resentments for the past four months, but when I really see things from my ex's point of view, how could he have let me down easy??? It hurts and tha's it. He has a right to be happy with anyone he chooses to. We were together for five years and we are in our forties and he started dating this person he works with (she's 27) a month or so later I found out through the grapevine, asked him about it and he was indignant about having to explain HIS life to me since we were no longer together. As much as I hate to admit it, if the shoe was in the other foot, I probably would feel the same way. We are hurt and we are struggling with a lot of feelings. I am sure this poor girl is not a whore (what a terible thing to say tsk, tsk) she obviously cares enough to ask our opinion on how to handle telling her ex because she wants to minimize HIS pain. Having said that; I think only you know him (your ex) well enough to know whether it merits you telling him or him finding out through others. In my case, I wish he would've told me himself. It would've still hurt, but is would've shown he had some respect for my feelings and our long relationship. He didn't feel this way though and I can only speculate his reasons. Do what you honestly feel is best, be prepared for him to hurt regardless of how he finds out. even though you have moved on, he still loves you and hasn't, take care, Sandra
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