thien_to Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 I was doing OK. I really was. I was coming to terms with my situation. I accepted that she is gone and can never forgive me. I understood that I will, not right now but eventually, need to meet someone new and have a different relationship. One where I am not an assclown. I went to another city for a couple of days for work and it was good. All of a sudden on the plane back home I think that there is nobody at home to greet me; to welcome me back. To smile, hug me and say I missed you. It took all I could to not break down and cry on the plane. Then waiting for my luggage I see everyone has someone to greet them. Everyone but me. I got my luggage and trodded to the taxi to make the lonely journey to my lonely condo. I miss my old life. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and I berate myself for wallowing in this misery. My logical mind is not communicating with my heart and emotions. Right now the pain, hurt and loneliness is overcoming and logic that I try. I bought 2 lobsters from Halifax but instead of sharing it with her, there will only be a plate for one. I miss her so bad. Anyone in the Toronto area wanna share a lobster dinner? I hate feeling this pain!!! ARGGHHH...I know I screwed up but isn't 7 months of hell enough punishment? Maybe it isn't enough, I don't know anymore....I just want everything I destroyed back but I guess only Superman can turn back time.
jellybean Posted December 19, 2004 Posted December 19, 2004 Heh, no kidding... Things aren't any better at this end of the country - and it's been 6 months since the dumpage. I saw nothing but happy-in-love, hand-holding couples today on Robson St. The tears starting to well-up in my eyes, and I had to cut my shopping trip short and RACE home before I totally lost control. I also thought I was coming to terms with my situation, but it seems the holiday season has triggered a relapse. I've never felt so alone as I did today - walking amidst a million Xmas shoppers.... Do you have to travel out-of-town on business alot? The reason I'm asking is because if at all possible - have you considered adopting a pet?...I have 3 cats, and a reason to look forward to going home. A kitten would LOVE to share your lobster dinner
Author thien_to Posted December 19, 2004 Author Posted December 19, 2004 Hey JB, I thought about the pet thing. I had a cat but the ex took "custody" of him. I'm just worried about making such a commitment in the state of mind I'm in. Also I'm playing around with the idea of moving. Possibly back to Vancouver again or somewhere completly different. Can't make a decision until I can think clearly though.
XNemesisX Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Jellybean- I will second that about the cats!!! I have 2..and they are just wonderful to have. Karma and Rossie...my babies Go get a pet...they really do make you feel better. If your ex took custody of yours, go find a new one. There are so many animals out there that need a good home. And you need them just as much as they need you! I feel the same way when I go out. I feel like I'm going to break down into tears when I see happy couples out. That is why I am a hermit now. The cats do give me something to look forward to, and they make me smile.
Isabella82 Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Yes, I feel the same way when I go out. It is so bad. Plus I have this friend who I think is out to always hurt me. She knows I am still not over my ex, and I know she doesn't understand (She has NEVER had a long term relationship) But anyway today she writes me a text message that says, David (her new boyfriend) bought her white gold earrings for christmas. What was the point of that message?? My ex bought me stuff like that all the time, but I never once called her to gloat about it, she would always ask me. I am happy for her, but it doesn't really upset me, because I know her relationship won't last, but what is the point of her throwing it in my face. I think maybe she has been so jealous of my relationships in the past that now that I have no one she has to gloat about her boyfriend. I just wish Christmas would pass, and Valentines Day for that matter! I can not take this pain any longer, I told my mom I used to be so happy what the F happened and she said to me, happiness is all in the mind. I don't think so! There is nothing I can do, that would make me as happy as what I was with my ex! Anyone else agree??
alphamale Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 ahhhh, forget 'bout the past and start living in the day and planning your future.... find another woman, there are tons of them out there and each is beautiful and wonderful and unique (and some of 'em are damn good at sucking the you know what!!)
Merin Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Originally posted by thien_to I was doing OK. I really was. I was coming to terms with my situation. I accepted that she is gone and can never forgive me. I understood that I will, not right now but eventually, need to meet someone new and have a different relationship. One where I am not an assclown. I went to another city for a couple of days for work and it was good. All of a sudden on the plane back home I think that there is nobody at home to greet me; to welcome me back. To smile, hug me and say I missed you. It took all I could to not break down and cry on the plane. Then waiting for my luggage I see everyone has someone to greet them. Everyone but me. I got my luggage and trodded to the taxi to make the lonely journey to my lonely condo. I miss my old life. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and I berate myself for wallowing in this misery. My logical mind is not communicating with my heart and emotions. Right now the pain, hurt and loneliness is overcoming and logic that I try. I bought 2 lobsters from Halifax but instead of sharing it with her, there will only be a plate for one. I miss her so bad. Anyone in the Toronto area wanna share a lobster dinner? I hate feeling this pain!!! ARGGHHH...I know I screwed up but isn't 7 months of hell enough punishment? Maybe it isn't enough, I don't know anymore....I just want everything I destroyed back but I guess only Superman can turn back time. Thien.. okay so we made the pact never to ask the other to help them move.. but I would so have dinner with you my friend;) I hope you're feeling better this week...
Author thien_to Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 YX - I actually work PT at a pet store and donate half of what I make there to the Humane society so I get to play with animals on weekends and keep a bit busy. It's amazing what playing with a dog or holding a cat will do. The world just kinda disappears for a bit. Still can't make the long term commitment to a pet though, just not fair with the hours I work at my regular job. Issabella - damn...i totally forgot about Valentines...thanks now I'm REALLY depressed Alpha - hey man, I guess others may not like your comments but I guess you mean well. Even if you don't it's good to see 'cause it makes me realize how much this experiance has made me grown and change. No offense but I used to be like you, although I would like to go back because the hurt right now is so painful, change and growth is a one way street. I hope I will be stronger in the end. The price was so high though. Even with the mercy dinner date, I'm still not helping to move Merin! Dude it woulda been so great if you were here for dinner, tasty buggers those lobsters. We'll chat l8r It's so odd that when you start to feel kinda OK you come crashing down to the pits again. I'm a numb stage right now with periodic pangs of pain and anxiety. It's frustrating and tiring because I feel that I've already been through this part of hell.
SpaceCoyote Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Hey Thien, its been a couple days since your original post, so I hope you're feeling better. You know that I know EXACTLY what you are going through, as I am the king of relapses. You've been doing so well lately, you just need to rely on that strength of mind and heart that you've built up since your loss. You've probably developed your own coping strategies over time...you just need to fall back to those. The holidays are tough, and so are seeing happy couples. Its nice to hear from several people that I am not the only one who feels pain at the sight of a happy couple. I just keep telling myself it is all a temporary feeling and my time will come if I keep moving forward and don't let this destroy me. Isabella: V-Day will be tough for me too! It's my ex's favorite day of the year and this year she will be sharing it with someone else. But remember, it's 1.5 months away... so who knows what will happen between now and then.
Author thien_to Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Hey SC, I've been tackling this regressing/relapse issue from a logical point of view. I think think this may not be a relapse but another phase of loss. Let me know what you think. The first part was the greiving over the loss of one's partner. Whether you were the dumper (and then realized you were an assclown) or the dumpee (at the mercy of an assclown) you go through that loss and the subsequent pain, turmoil and anguish. That is the focus and you start to come out of it. The strategies for coping would be anger (I can't do this, I wish I could), saying the other person has changed and the old person you loved is a memory (what helped me), or some other such technique. Phase 1 was desperate mourning. Now Phase 2 or 1a 'cause I don't know if everyone goes through this or it's just a select few, I think of is the oppressive loneliness of reality. I have accepted reality. It still sucks. I haven't contacted the ex since she got the rest of her stuff and the desire to call her has subsided. Oh I still want to but the overwhelming urge isn't there. I miss her, want her back and see her 'ghost' in what was OUR home but now realize that is not reality. I am sure that I have fully accepted the situation. This is an important point since I know that I am not regressing if I have accepted. Now what I think happened this past weekend and I am still going through now is more fear and lonliness related. I am fearful of being alone. I somehow need to be comfortable with myself. Even when with friends I feel alone. Nobody is sharing that special connetion with me anymore. Sorta like when you were apart from your loved one, you didn't feel alone. You know that special someone is out there loving you and probably missing you too. I know people will say there are lots of people who love you but a friend's love and family's love is different. Not the same connection I am talking about. That special connection is so empowering, fills your...soul?....sounds cheesy but I couldn't come up with anything to describe what I was thinking. You feel complete. Without that connection it's like you're just spinning in circles and going in a downward spiral to boot. So the problem I have right now with finding a solution to Phase 1a is how do you fill that empty void where that special connection was? I want another connection to be able to take root. You cannnot fix it by having the ex come back and professing undying love. That is unrealistic because you have both changed so much from this experiance that the same connection is gone. You can never develop the exact same connection once it is broken. You can only hope to develop a new connection whether with your ex or someone new. But I digress...first you have to overcome the loss of that connection. I visualize this. The connection I am refering to is broken, where it used to be is a jagged, ragged edge....or a jagged open hole in your chest whichever visual you prefer. No new connection can take root until that jagged edge is smoothed over. You can only do this on your own since as I just said, no new connection can take true root at this time. Hence the rebound theoies. Now as I also stated before...how do I freakin' smooth that damn edge over?!?!?! I am doing what everyone (including the therapist that I have continued to see even though my ex has stopped) is telling me I need to do. I keep busy, I try to focus on new things, I go out and meet people, I'm trying new hobbies, yadda yadda...well I still have a jagged edge, a black hole that sucks everything down this infinite pit. I am no longer yearning for my ex back (ok ok just a wee bit of yearning) all I want is to be complete again. I went out clubbing this past weekend and met alot of new people. I even got a couple numbers of very attractive women, but that little ego boost was so temporary. How do I feel comfotable being by myself? How do I get normal again?
UnicornGirl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 I'm going through the same thing. I really appreciate you writing that down, it's such a good description. So many of us are going through this experience -- at least take comfort in that. We've been treated like dirt, pushed down on the ground, and stomped all over, and there's no telling how we'll ever get back on our feet again. All you can do is stop staring at that jagged edge and put one foot in front of the other. Time will progress and SOMETHING will happen. Right now I'm taking on the philosophy that watched dough never bakes, or whatever the saying is -- that is, if you keep staring at the damage, nothing new is ever going to happen. Time to stand up, dust off, and get busy. Always remember that YOU are your top priority, and your experiences make you beautiful, not damaged. It's hard to adopt that attitude as we are naturally masochistic, but at least try, and know that if you can't accept it right now, it's still the absolute truth.
Guest Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Yes. My sister bought me a tiny teeny kitten after I got dumped. It was very very good for me. Go get a cute wee pet and love it loads. Good luck
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