PJM9 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 What I've noticed lately and more people are settling for less than what they really are and disregarding a partner's past and their general views towards sex and intimacy. I believe that sometimes or many times, past behaviors can predict future behaviors. For instance, if I was the manager of a huge corporation I would never hire reformed alcoholics or someone who can't even last a year in a job. I just got out of a relationship about 4 months ago and I was not comfortable with her wild partying past and other things from the beginning. But ok I tried being the nice non-judgmental man and getting over it. I ended up getting cheated on. That's why I broke it off. That's only my 3rd relationship and I'm not wild myself. I've always wanted a girl that shares my same views such as being career oriented, hard worker, isn't into partying all night long nor casual sex and is selective in friends as well as partners. I'm not sure why some people think I'm asking too much and I should just focus on the present and now who were in the past. Now I'm starting to feel that I'm forced to settle for less. If I don't have a wild past, why should I settle for someone with such past? I don't want a religious girl ''until marriage only (as I'm an agnostic and don't share those views; would find it uncomfortable marrying a girl I can't be completely intimate with in a relationship)'' but neither the complete wild girl for the same reason too; I don't share those views either. I find both are extremes and it turns me off.
Author PJM9 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I'm I really asking too much? Even when I'm not wild myself and only been with 3 women (all of them relationships; the last one being the shortest of 7 months)? I don't expect a virgin waiting till marriage but I don't want the other extreme either. I'm being selective this time and would like a woman that shares those same views. But it seems that some people can't understand that and still think I should accept anything just for who they are today and disregard their past. I tried posting somewhere else and got labeled an insecure jerk? I don't know. Is it really insecurity to ask for someone similar to you??
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I think a lot of people DO settle. Indeed in many cultures relationships and marriages are still arranged and attuned more to the partners sharing values/religious beliefs rather than any 'feeling' for one another. No, I don't believe anyone should settle for love but I can understand why many do.
Author PJM9 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) No, I don't believe anyone should settle for love but I can understand why many do.Indeed. I still can't believe I got called names on that other site and told I really unfair. I'm not even a player myself (even when I said I got cheated on by a woman like that) but yet still have to be understanding and accept any woman just for the sake of love and ''Oh come on, that was in the past and she loves you...etc''? Edited November 11, 2013 by PJM9
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 It depends on the initial expectations. Yours seem pretty moderate so no I don't think you should settle. When people have unreasonable expectations or these specific laundry lists -- hair color, height, weight, earnings, religion, social status, political affiliation, etc. -- then yes, perhaps they should realign what is truly important but if you want somebody who shares your basic values, stick to your guns. That said being a tad more open minded about reformed people couldn't hurt; I was a lot wilder in college that I am now. Somebody who has 2+ years of sobriety under their belt is probably going to stay on the straight & narrow because they worked so hard to get there.
MissBee Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 There is no good reason to settle for less than you want/need. UNLESS your wants/needs are preposterous for some reason.However, if they are within reason, then you don't need to date people whom you do not want to date. The only thing is assessing your wants/needs and figuring out whether they are unreasonable and are stopping you from something potentially good. As sometimes people overlook what could be good based on ridiculous and superfluous wants, then the other extreme is settling for anything and willfully putting up with stuff you don't like just to be with someone. I have my list of absolute NOs as well as things I NEED from a relationship...then stuff I'd like. I don't date people seriously who possess things on my absolute NO list or who severely lack the stuff on my NEED list. If you're missing some of my wants though I don't overlook you because of that. 1
MissBee Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I think a lot of people DO settle. Indeed in many cultures relationships and marriages are still arranged and attuned more to the partners sharing values/religious beliefs rather than any 'feeling' for one another. No, I don't believe anyone should settle for love but I can understand why many do. Settling isn't only about feelings though. I think arranged marriages can work based on fundamental compatibility which develops into love overtime. And in the cultures I know where arranged marriages happen it's not forced. If you absolutely have no feelings or cannot get along you don't have to do it, but there is some logic to pairing people with some fundamental compatibility and seeing where the feelings develop from there. As we all know that simply "feeling" some kind of way guarantees nothing and it seems many people form relationships based on fleeting feelings which when they eventually die down, they realize they have nothing in common or differ very greatly on the most fundamental aspects of life. But I think that's entirely different from settling anyway. IMO in settling there is some conscious awareness that you are not all that happy with this situation and it wouldn't be what you would choose but you're going along with it for some reason.
ascendotum Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Now I'm starting to feel that I'm forced to settle for less. If I don't have a wild past, why should I settle for someone with such past? ... ^Why do you say this? ...just because you see others not caring about the their partner's good time girl/player pasts or because you think you will have a hard time to find a girl that you are attracted to who has not had done casual sex? You absolutely do not have to settle for a girl with a wild past. You seem to know what you want so why can't you still date and not compromise your expectations. Is being single 4 mths and not finding a suitable girl starting to get you down? Also as seen on threads here many people are going to be vague about their past. If a girl just said 'I've had my share of fun' or 'my past is my business', is that going to rule her out for you? (just curious)
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 you have your wants and needs from a a partner....personally i have a problem with anyone exalting themselves over another......love is a risk and even a virgin girl who waits until marriage can ask you fro a divorce a year later......there are no guarantees with love ...you can only hope in the spirit of honesty you find someone willing to be the same...........honest...then youc an work from there......so i dont believe in the phrase settling for less......there is no perfect match.......and forgiveness for flaws is paramount for any relationship to have longevity
Author PJM9 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Is being single 4 mths and not finding a suitable girl starting to get you down?Yes, indeed. A couple weeks ago I really thought it was her but again but it had to be a religious woman informing me about waiting till marriage and talking about god. Needless to say I got turned off. Also as seen on threads here many people are going to be vague about their past. If a girl just said 'I've had my share of fun' or 'my past is my business', is that going to rule her out for you? (just curious)I would have to keep an eye open and try to see if she fits the others I've mentioned. I'll be more careful this time. That is almost exactly what my 3rd gf said. One day she also stated being someone she wasn't proud of in the past but how she changed. She turned out to be a cheater.
Editbee Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 You have trouble finding such a woman because you live in a feminist-driven society. Women have all of the options and men have precious few. They expect you to sit around and take whatever bs they give you because they have infinitely more options than you do. It's a very bad time to be a man. This is why you are struggling.Just because we have more options, doesn't mean all of them are quality men. Some of them give us bs too that it's not even worth talking to them. Overall, I think in this generation both men and women are struggling in finding a suitable partner without having to settle for less. That's why we keep hearing the past is past cliche too many times.
SerCay Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) You have trouble finding such a woman because you live in a feminist-driven society. Women have all of the options and men have precious few. They expect you to sit around and take whatever bs they give you because they have infinitely more options than you do. It's a very bad time to be a man. This is why you are struggling. If this were true, LS would have more men than women coming here complaining...I think it goes both ways. EVERYONE has more options, and today's society is more and more individualistic. People are selfish, deeply rooted. In my opinion it's not about men or women have it better, it's about finding someone who is selfless like I am and we have a common goal of having a fun future and a nice family...those are the things I miss nowadays. Nowadays, people split up easily and people cheat easily. Maybe it has something to do with the sexualization of society, or maybe I'm just drifting away off topic right now lol. Anyway op, about the past of someone, it depends on the person really. My cousins husband was a true heartbreaker before he met her. Shortly before he met her he had switched his internal button (so he said) to ready to start a family, and he has never cheated on my cousin. Their marriage is lovely. So because he has had a lot of women and has broken a lot of hearts in the past, doesnt mean he cant be like this now. It really depends on whether the past behaviour was a phase, or is part of a personality. Edited November 12, 2013 by SerCay added something
Editbee Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 For what its worth I am the same exact way as you as a woman, except its been very hard for me to find a guy who hasnt slept around and who doesnt view sex as sport. I find more women than men are conservative sexually. Alot of men with a casual sex past also expect a purer girl like me to want them and call me judgmental when I dont. Prob. because society says it is okay to be a whore when youre a man.I've been dealing with this for years too. I'm now 25 and might not find that man. I'm sick of tired of those men so there is nothing great about getting hitting on a lot and having many options when none of them is what you're looking for. 1
dichotomy Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 There is a fine distinction between settling and compromising. One means simply giving up, the other means giving somethings you might not want to give up - to get other things that have value. Also lets be candid, in some cases you may not even know you have settled as people are not one to discolose all things to someone they love and want to be with - or later they change and you find your self without something you once had. but upfront - when your just dating? - you do need to find someone who shares your key beliefs. While a person past actions are important, people change, and do go through different phases in their lives - before you and even later with you.
Woggle Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It's okay to want a woman like that as long as you practice what you preach. 2
Author PJM9 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 It's okay to want a woman like that as long as you practice what you preach.You're right and I do practice the same. With me it's not about double standards but being compatible.
Author PJM9 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 For what its worth I am the same exact way as you as a woman, except its been very hard for me to find a guy who hasnt slept around and who doesnt view sex as sport. I find more women than men are conservative sexually. Alot of men with a casual sex past also expect a purer girl like me to want them and call me judgmental when I dont. Prob. because society says it is okay to be a whore when youre a man.Wow it's hard to find women like you in real life. Still on the search. I hope you do find the male counterpart of you as I'm looking for her too. It will take time that's for sure. 1
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