Dante311 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) From a string of back and forth emails of her placing blame on me and not owning up to her own faults... I decided to pour a little bit of sugar and salt on an open wound. I'm actually in a better place only a month after ------------------------------------------------------------ And I'm already extremely disappointed. With you. Your lack of understanding and acknowledgement speaks louder than words. You inflict emotional pain for numerous reasons - because you're hurt and it's easier to seek a scapegoat elsewhere than own up to your actions in this circumstance - because you can - and because it's comfort. Your denial of Matt's involvement only shows your meager attempt to deflect the blame from yourself. It isn't a one sided argument. Matt's involvement was of your own accord, and you ruined a friendship. You really are great, and so am I. I could sit here and beg you til the end of the world to be with me. Do I think you're making a mistake now? Yes and no. We were so good together. I truly believe it. Did we have a future? Yes. Could we still? Possibly. I made a mistake... and owned up to you - and you trying to nitpick at the smallest, and dumbest of things speaks to me greater than the number of times you could whisper the words, "I love you", because they're meaningless. You were, in my mind, looking for fault. And you sought hard enough, you found it. I was very good to you - massages, dinner, lunch, emotional and physical support when you needed it. And you know what, yeah, I had a fun loving playful nature that's going to make me a great pediatrician and father one day. Those are days I cannot wait for. The "I hate you" and "**** you XXXMYNAMEHERE"'s were unbearable... yet, I never retaliated nor uttered any words of dire hate and disdain for your very existence. You cannot even own up to how much you hurt me. And STILL... after 2 years of listening to you pick fights with me, I stood tall and strong trying to be that touchstone you needed. Then you ended it over the medschool bull**** Which, I still overcame. I'm on a good road... but you broke my spirit. You ruined my psyche. And you made me vulnerable. You blame me for my actions, and I hate myself for it no longer. I blame the circumstance. What I did is not me, and I know it. I don't care whether you do or believe it. I will not be a Matt XXXXXX. I am better than that. I don't care to sleep with high school boys (or girls) and/or solicit sex from girls that I don't love .. or know... or offline from craigslist or random misc facebook groups. These are my final words to you for awhile... as I reflect on how good and bad I have been with and without you. I really will always love you. I really do care about you. I always will. I hope you find comfort in knowing you've made me a better, stronger person... and allowed me to become a better me for myself... and MY future. I really wanted my future to include you. Sadly, that future is unforseen and unknown. If by some sheer miracle you appear from the nothings of nothing and we fall madly in love, so be it. And if not... c'est la vie. You are wonderful... and you made me the happiest... and the saddest... and the angriest... and allowed me to love. You made me feel what love is... you are my world and will ALWAYS possess and significant portion of my heart. You've nestled comfortably in my heart, my mind, and my soul. You are apart of me... and I believe I will always be in your heart as well. I cannot undo any of our past, nor do I want to. It was great.. and perhaps it will be great once more. When the skies grew dark, and the future vastly weary, you were the hand that wiped away the tears... and when you were unsure, or confused, I tried to listen and stand tall. There is no fault... there is no blame... however, your attempt at utilizing me as a scapegoat for this; faulting my actions as standalone without cause is unjust. I refuse to take blame and shout axios, "I am worthy" because I am not the one who is taking this fall. When you think back and reflect, think of all the good... and remember the bad. I hope together, and individually we can take the good and keep it dear to our hearts... and bring it forward with us... be it together in an unknown future, or apart. As friends, lovers, or naught ... And the bad, we learn from. I take these lessons and strive to make myself a stronger, more loving, more caring, devoted individual. Face OUR relationship... do not succumb to another's ideologies and their dysfunction. Every relationship has its ups and downs - sometimes you're on top of the world and the next you're living in the dumps (emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc...) Life is not as perfect as we imagine, but it's how we make the best of each moment. Forever will I think about waking up next to you, brushing your hair aside, your smile and kissing you (ignoring morning breathe)... these are the precious, loving moments I will never forget. Until my last breathe... I will love you. There is nothing more I wish for you than success and to be happy. My last wish is just that... but I hope you can reflect and admire your own flaws and fault in this, and acknowledge that we made eachother stronger, and better for our own futures, again be it apart or together regardless of the degree. Smile and overcome adversity - I know you can. I know I will. We must. I will continue to love, because a life without love is no life at all. I have loved you like crazy with expectation for you to love me the same way back. I took a fall, but I am not defeated, because I will just pick myself up and move on I truly do not believe this is an end to us... somehow, I feel that even if we don't reconcile as lovers, our bond, that significant connection between us will bring us back together - even as just friends. Perhaps not tomorrow, or the next... maybe not even a few months from now, but I know I'll be in touch or vice versa. Most of these words, out of fear, hatred, spite, and hurt will make you rebuke me and ignore... or not trust judgement. I simply ask that you read this now... and consider reading this in a week.. and again in a month... and a year. When our minds are more clear... and our thoughts free. I Love you XX XXXXXX, I always have. And I always will. Good Luck, sweetie. I will miss you --- I always will love her. No expectations... Edited November 11, 2013 by Dante311 1
2fargone Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Big mistake.... An obvious attempt to stay in control. Also, I wonder why so many dumpees seem to think they were so good to their exes... I know I wasn't. I also know that if talked about I would have changed it. And it doesn't justify leaving me in my book. But still, I'm aware I could have been better to her... 1
Author Dante311 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Big mistake.... An obvious attempt to stay in control. Also, I wonder why so many dumpees seem to think they were so good to their exes... I know I wasn't. I also know that if talked about I would have changed it. And it doesn't justify leaving me in my book. But still, I'm aware I could have been better to her... Nope I know I was really good to her. Your relationship is NOT every relationship. do not put yourself in MY shoes and think you know MY relationship. Thank you. It's a long, complicated relationship that I withstood. my brother and sister in law have been present when she would yell at me over the phone and insult me, demean me, and tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore.. and here the other side where she was sorry and missed me and loved me and apologized. ---- she wrote back to me... simple and sweet, but cold and mean. So I followed up... "So cold... Reread the email and give me space. Thank you. Do not treat me with insignificance. Own up to your faults. The email speaks the truth of how I feel. I am not a low life and you are disgusting if you can think of me that way. I'm moving on for now, but do hope to hear from you one day. This was our relationship, not us and Matt. Matt has his own insecurity issues to work on, and so do I.. as do you. You're as much fault as I am. And in the future, telling someone you love ''**** you" and "I hate you" is just as bad, if not worse than me seeking emotional selfishness or comfort that you called 'cheating'. Also, snooping on your boyfriend is a HUGE REDFLAG. you snooped on me prior to this bull**** and I was clean. You kept breaking me down with your words, Dana. Eventually you can only become an emotional punching bag for so long without hurting the object of your affection. Doesn't make what I did right, but it does provide me a sense of validation. You won't see this, and you can't. Your mind is filled with too much anger rage and hate. What you did to me, That hurt. don't stand there and say, 'be a man'... bc a relationship is about finding the balance. If you break ne down like a drill sergeant... build me back up. The thing is, you failed at that. Work on that. Break a soldier enough, he'll snap. Reflect on that. That's the only negative I can say about you considering I don't know what the future holds for me, u or us. You're smart, hard working, and Loving. I'll miss the lazy... ill miss fluffy... and ill miss kissing you everywhere. Cest la vie, love and live and learn. You were my first love. And always have a place in my heart. I will miss you. You're cold and mean bc you can and its easy to do right now. I hope you find happiness with or without me. Love you, have a good day"
Author Dante311 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 And even more so... the fact she KNOWS and ACKNOWLEDGES she snooped on me throughout the relationship and I overlooked it.. and she PICKED arguments with me.. AND said on numerous occasions "I hate you" and "**** you, you're an *******" and somehow managed to apologize and realize she loved me... ...I was the fool for sticking it out. Because I foolishly thought she would change. Lesson learned. I WAS that good to her.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 And even more so... the fact she KNOWS and ACKNOWLEDGES she snooped on me throughout the relationship and I overlooked it.. and she PICKED arguments with me.. AND said on numerous occasions "I hate you" and "**** you, you're an *******" and somehow managed to apologize and realize she loved me... ...I was the fool for sticking it out. Because I foolishly thought she would change. Lesson learned. I WAS that good to her. Did you cheat on her with Matt? That's kind if what I gathered from your post.
Author Dante311 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Did you cheat on her with Matt? That's kind if what I gathered from your post. This matt guy is her gay male best friend. So no. it's a long story, but he did something in the past (and still does) that she's accusing me of. I did not do it, but because he did and he's accusing me of it... i'm a low life. I was not caught red handed or in any act. He is in a dysfunctional relationship with his boyfriend. They cheat on eachother and he sleeps with 18-19 year old guys. He's 27 now. It sickens me. so no, there was no cheating.
im_thedude Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Okay great, you might feel like you got something out of emailing her back and forth. NOW STOP CONTACTING HER. Frankly, your passive aggressive emails are immature and gauche. And pretty creepy and pathological as well. I get the feeling that you are looking at this as some sort of game. You're not going to get validation from a whole lot of people on this forum after what you did because it's a backward way of thinking. Listing somebody's faults in the face of a breakup is akin to salt in the wound, but more accurately it's beating a dead horse. She is who she is and she did what she did. Time to face it as simply as that and move on. It's time to put this person squarely in your rear-view mirror and move forward. 1
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