Wife cheating getting through it

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Sounds to make like she's cake eating.

 

If the married guy blew her off, she'd prob be back with pj next week if he would take her. But I don't even like sharing drinks with another person.

 

Spark and I have been there, and we both didn't divorce. Spark booted her guy right away. Mine sat down abd ate his cake for awhile until I booted him.

 

Both cane back.

Honestly, it just about the only success I've seen is the quicker the spouse 180s that tends to determine success.

 

Anyone remember bryanP? He 180ed right away and his wife was screwing her best friends husband. She practically crawled and begged by the end of it. But of course, he was having none of that.

 

Look at peaksandvalleys. Her husband might even have a CHILD by the OW. But she 180ed right away and trying to push for forgiveness in marital counseling etc etc etc. blah.

 

People who chest don't believe the consequences are coming or that there spouse will leave until they do.

 

They its all "oh my God, what? How could you do this to me? Please come back."

 

If Pj has the balls to pull this off, it's probably the best approach, but if I recall BryanP didn't come here posting what Pj has. BryanP knew how to do it before he even came here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Everybody seems to try the hard-nosed approach and make her apologize and give up the other man cold turkey, maybe in your case you could offer her forgiveness and forget the whole thing and you would be happier that way and maybe a couple months in you will get what you need from your wife as far as apology and truth.

 

Oh heck no.

No no no.

She's not going to apologize and give him up cold turkey genuinely just becayse we say, "PJ she's done you wrong pal."

 

To 180, PJ says, "well you know how I feel about you and the marriage, but you can't ride on two ships and since you are obviously happier with this dude or you'd be trying to make things work between us, I'm going to back off so you and him can be happy together. Best of luck. I'm hurting but I'll get through it."

 

Or he doesn't even say that, which I find is more effective. He just goes NC. Abd when she calls him, he doesn't answer the first couple times because he's busy living his life. Maybe he's weeding his garden (yes, I know it's November) maybe he's on a date. Who knows? His wife doesn't because she's had her head up her ass the last few months. But she knows he's still there because he keeps trying to hold her hand. Now if he stops trying to hold get hand, she'll notice he's gone.

 

If he exposes to the other man's wife. Which he should do out of decency, that'll probably be enough to stop things cold on that end. No more cake for her to munch on.

 

Then what? Who will she make in out McDonald's with now? And she had such big dreams of hitting the Wendy's drive-thru one day!

 

Then reality sets in and she faces the music.

 

You can't force her to apologize or give up OM. But she will probably damn well wish she had.

 

Over the years I've noticed a high correlation of women about to eclipse their child-bearing years that don't have children stepping out. There's probably a littłe fear behind that or aging in general.

[Snowflower]

Sounds to make like she's cake eating.

 

If the married guy blew her off, she'd prob be back with pj next week if he would take her. But I don't even like sharing drinks with another person.

 

Spark and I have been there, and we both didn't divorce. Spark booted her guy right away. Mine sat down abd ate his cake for awhile until I booted him.

 

Both cane back.

Honestly, it just about the only success I've seen is the quicker the spouse 180s that tends to determine success.

 

Anyone remember bryanP? He 180ed right away and his wife was screwing her best friends husband. She practically crawled and begged by the end of it. But of course, he was having none of that.

 

Look at peaksandvalleys. Her husband might even have a CHILD by the OW. But she 180ed right away and trying to push for forgiveness in marital counseling etc etc etc. blah.

 

People who chest don't believe the consequences are coming or that there spouse will leave until they do.

 

They its all "oh my God, what? How could you do this to me? Please come back."

 

I generally agree with you, DOT! However, I think it is different when the wife cheats than when the husband cheats as is the case with you, Spark and me.

 

The "go be with her and be happy," or, booting his butt out the door seems to often (not always, but many times) works more effectively on the cheating husband than the cheating wife.

 

I don't know BryanP's story so I can't comment on that.

 

However, many cheating wives believe that they have found their soulmate connection with the guy they are cheating with. They are completely disconnected from their marriage/husband and have bonded with the OM.

 

Sure, there are WW who cheat for the sex/fun/thrill only, but really, what guy would want to continue to be married to a woman like that?

 

So in PJ's case, if the MM blew her off, yes, she might return to the marriage but she would likely be mourning the loss of her "soulmate connection." This also does not bode well for the marriage. You read about it all the time here when a WW posts her story here.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's why we give PJ options so he can walk the talk instead of getting walked on like he has the last six weeks.

 

Surfer204 (203)? Tried niceing his way through with his wife and she was still an entitled, spoilt brat and they ended up D.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Sounds to make like she's cake eating.

 

If the married guy blew her off, she'd prob be back with pj next week if he would take her. But I don't even like sharing drinks with another person.

 

Spark and I have been there, and we both didn't divorce. Spark booted her guy right away. Mine sat down abd ate his cake for awhile until I booted him.

 

Both cane back.

Honestly, it just about the only success I've seen is the quicker the spouse 180s that tends to determine success.

 

Anyone remember bryanP? He 180ed right away and his wife was screwing her best friends husband. She practically crawled and begged by the end of it. But of course, he was having none of that.

 

Look at peaksandvalleys. Her husband might even have a CHILD by the OW. But she 180ed right away and trying to push for forgiveness in marital counseling etc etc etc. blah.

 

People who chest don't believe the consequences are coming or that there spouse will leave until they do.

 

They its all "oh my God, what? How could you do this to me? Please come back."

 

Of the four you name, three - Spark, bryanP, and peaks - took decisive action right away. That ain't what Pj is doing.

 

Not all people can pull "decisive action" off. It seems that some lack the will to do it, to try it, maybe out of fear that the cheater will be gone for good. I suspect the balance of power in those relationships was equal, that both partners love for each other was about equal.

 

Sometimes one partner loves the other so much more and thus is willing to put up with so much more before deciding to end it. I wonder in these cases if the betrayed partner would be happier just taking the cheater back and putting it all in the past - perhaps making changes to the relationship to try to affair-proof it going forward, getting counseling, reading the recommended books, communicating better, spending more time together? Is such a situation possible?

 

Pj kicked his wife out right away, apparently he was very angry and told her to go to her mom's, unfortunately, he apparently took no further action to kill the affair, and she just continued the affair and never came back. And now he doesn't even have a clue as to what is going on.

 

Maybe, in Pj's case, he would be better off making nice, going out with her again, wooing her again, if she even lets him, and at least he can see if that works for him, or maybe he at least can realize the truth of it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Dump her.

 

I have no doubt they had sex. He played her to bang her.

 

And if he can get in her pants, while she is married to you, after he is out of her life there will be others.

[Snowflower]

Basically, I found out 6 weeks ago my wife was having an affair with a 52 year old married man she met at darts. She goes every week with her Dad and some friends both older then her.

 

 

Did I read this correctly? She goes and plays darts with her Dad and then ends up having an affair with a mutual friend of her Dad's and her's? That's kind of twisted and a little gross.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well mr. Soulmate is probably in for a reality check of his own.

 

But honestly, overall, guys are more likely to take the boot from their wives and call it a day too. Less likely to recon if cheated on.

However, WW DO tend to gravitate back to husbands that show self-respect abd if they haven't blocked out the husband completely there's still hope.

 

I think it's HARDER for men to get back WW than women to get back WH. But it still happens. Robf really had his 180 down.

 

One thing I do notice on here is the guys that 180, get their confidence back etc. either drop the WW like a hot coal OR THEY MISS THE CUES that their wife is trying to recon. They expect WW to chainsaw down their door with a rose in between her teeth. (Whatever you get what I mean)

 

Usually the cues are much more subtle at first because she wants to see if she's got a shot at forgiveness.

 

Augustus had his wife try to initiate physical affection with him and he tossed her off saying they were divorcing and what didn't she get? Because he thought she'd "man up" and say, "you know Augustus, I take full responsibility please accept this chainsaw and rose as my reconciliation bid."

 

Then he posted about how he never saw ANY change it chance with her.

 

Craig moved back in the house with his wife and they started talking/getting friendly etc. but they didn't "resolve it all" in a freaking week or whatever so he took off on out again. Her biggest complaint about him was that she didn't feel secure because he'd take off on her.arg. That one really pissed me off because he was actually emailing me a lot for support/suggestions and he got thisclose to saving his M and he didn't stick it out. She even started sharing her vulnerable stuff and he took it as "complaining, see she hates me" or whatever.

 

There was another one that totally could've worked out but the dude kept bring up the relationship every freaking time his wife gave a half shot at a chance.

 

If you are doing 180, watch for subtle changes. Any subtle changes.

 

I generally agree with you, DOT! However, I think it is different when the wife cheats than when the husband cheats as is the case with you, Spark and me.

 

The "go be with her and be happy," or, booting his butt out the door seems to often (not always, but many times) works more effectively on the cheating husband than the cheating wife.

 

I don't know BryanP's story so I can't comment on that.

 

However, many cheating wives believe that they have found their soulmate connection with the guy they are cheating with. They are completely disconnected from their marriage/husband and have bonded with the OM.

 

Sure, there are WW who cheat for the sex/fun/thrill only, but really, what guy would want to continue to be married to a woman like that?

 

So in PJ's case, if the MM blew her off, yes, she might return to the marriage but she would likely be mourning the loss of her "soulmate connection." This also does not bode well for the marriage. You read about it all the time here when a WW posts her story here.

[KathyM]

Your wife is not motivated to reconcile. She is not invested in saving your marriage. She wants the OM, but does not seem willing to give that up at this point. Why would you want a wife who is in love with and pining away for someone else? If she was remorseful, repentant, still in love with you and determined to do whatever it took to rebuild your marriage, I could see working on it, but she has emotionally distanced herself from you and is not fighting for the marriage, and is not trying to rebuild. She is invested in this OM and is not doing anything to restore your marriage. I think that speaks volumes as to where her heart is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sometimes one partner loves the other so much more and thus is willing to put up with so much more before deciding to end it. I wonder in these cases if the betrayed partner would be happier just taking the cheater back and putting it all in the past - perhaps making changes to the relationship to try to affair-proof it going forward, getting counseling, reading the recommended books, communicating better, spending more time together? Is such a situation possible?

 

Maybe, in Pj's case, he would be better off making nice, going out with her again, wooing her again, if she even lets him, and at least he can see if that works for him, or maybe he at least can realize the truth of it.

 

I did the make nice for a LONG TIME. Things really deteriorated.

 

But once the 180 kicked in there was a shift.

I had no power until I made my own. Then it was obvious.

 

Niceing her back might work but it seems that he's been niceing her back and it hasn't worked.

 

It's cool. I get what you are saying. I'm just drawing up examples etc.

 

Unfortunately I can't think of too many threads where someone has done 180 late in the game that still wanted the marriage. Most late-game 180s just end up getting over the marriage once they see how crappy their partner treated them.

Usually because they've gotten sick of being in the thick of it trying to "nice" back their partners.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I am trying to give Pj an alternate point of view.

 

Forgive and forget and move on.

 

Maybe after a couple of months of the forgive-and-forget treatment she will feel guilty and come clean.

 

Or maybe Pj will be happy, anyway, and not care as long as she still will be with him.

 

Not all relationships, even where there is no cheating, have an equal or even close-to-equal power balance. Maybe Pj loves her way more than she loves him and he would be happier just having her back.

 

It seems no one ever recommends this approach and most of these threads end up in divorce with self-respect intact. Maybe Pj doesn't care so much about self-respect and would be happy with less self-respect and more wife.

 

Anyway, if it's not going well after a few months after Pj gives the forgive-and-forget method a try, he can always call it off and go hard-nosed on her again. He's already been in limbo six weeks and still is not ready to give up, so this method might be better for him.

 

As it is, Pj is miserable and wants his wife back really, really bad (you kind of have to read between the lines to see how bad he wants her back). Pj, please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

This approached is called "cheap grace" or "cheap forgiveness" and it does not work. It is akin to "rug sweeping".

 

It is not healthy for the individuals involved or for the relationship.

 

I don't know if you actually believe this POV or you're just being a devil's advocate.

[Chi townD]

Here's a couple of points you really need to open your eyes to.

 

Normally, cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. The only thing that you can prove is that an inappropriate relationship existed between them. So, that's what she admitted to. Chances are, a lot more happened. I can see it in her actions.

 

It wouldn't be hard at all, if the ONLY thing that they shared was a little flirting, meeting up a fast food restaurants and a couple of kisses, for her to come back to the marriage and do the hard work.

 

But she states that she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. Now tell me, who's gonna throw away a marriage over some flirting and a couple of kisses? Who would throw away a marriage over a 52 year old married man and it's painfully obvious that, that relationship isn't going anywhere? Who would throw away a marriage over some meaningless kisses? NO ONE!

 

So, something more happened. She's just not being honest with you.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

This approached is called "cheap grace" or "cheap forgiveness" and it does not work. It is akin to "rug sweeping".

 

It is not healthy for the individuals involved or for the relationship.

 

I don't know if you actually believe this POV or you're just being a devil's advocate.

 

Well, I don't really believe in it, but then again, I don't think I've seen it tried, or if I have, I have forgotten about it. I wasn't trying to be a devil's advocate, I guess I just felt that Pj wasn't strong enough to pull off the other stuff recommended, and I'm a little curious as to if another approach might work in some situations, where the betrayed is apparently way more invested in the relationship than the cheater - put the cheating in the past, not bring it up, but build a relationship going forward that would be stronger, not just go back to the same old routine.

 

I am 52 (but I don't play darts) and have seen a lot in my life and here and I am nowhere near as sure about what works and doesn't work FOR OTHER PEOPLE as you seem to be and how sure you are that it does not work. I know it wouldn't work for me, but I would never have put up with what Pj has put up with in the first place. I see people who are happy putting up with situations at work, with other family members, with friends, that I would never put up with myself, yet they seem to be OK with it and even happy.

 

Most of these threads seem to end up with the guy getting divorced by following the hard-nosed advice.

 

I do think that many of the betrayed who post here do so "too late," so that no approach would work, the marriage would be toast no matter what.

Edited November 11, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[Spark1111]

Mickey I would never be so arrogant as to suggest what someone should or should not do when it comes to making such a life-altering decision as whether or not to dissolve a relationship.

 

I am one of the foremost advocates of taking time to decide not to decide while one learn's their own heart and their own fortitude.

 

That being said, I believe it bodes better if the betrayed acts from a position of clearly defined boundaries of what is acceptable behavior towards them and any future relationship; acting from a position of strength as opposed to one of weakness.

 

NC, remorse and transparency, IC and MC at a minimum.

 

without seeing any of that at this point SHOULD be disheartening to PJ though they still may work it out if BOTH want to.

 

If only wishing would make it so, but BOTH people in a marriage must want it for it to work, especially after something as devastating as infidelity.

 

You can win the battle (have her return) but lose the war ( never examine the why, forgive or trust her again).

 

To me, that sounds like a life-sentence of anguish, more than divorce IMO.

[harrybrown]

She is not remorseful, she does not love you, she is not crawling back begging for forgiveness.

 

File for divorce now.

 

Has she been tested for stds?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

...put the cheating in the past, not bring it up, but build a relationship going forward that would be stronger, not just go back to the same old routine.

 

This is possible but only if there is a lot of work put in from both spouses. It requires professional counseling over time. It's extremely difficult and takes time. "Fake it till you make" might work for a few, but my guess is they would be the exception, not the rule.

 

In my experience, saving the marriage hinges on the cheater. If the cheater is not willing to be remorseful, humble, acknowledge the damage done, and willing to face the challenges without getting defensive, then there is a chance. Some cheaters aren't willing to do that, therefore the betrayed spouse has no choice but move towards divorce.

 

Often the cheaters don't want to look at their brokenness. They don't want to face the damage that they have caused. Some are not mature enough to handle it. Some just don't care about anything but themselves. In these cases, the BS has no choice but divorce. Forgiving and forgetting won't work, because the underlying causes have not been identified nor corrected. "Forgive and forget" can work with minor transgressions. It is impossible with major transgressions such that are discussed in this forum.

[2sunny]

Make the decision for her - for YOU!

 

Since she isn't making effort to fix what she's broken - she's still making effort for her OM.

 

And tell his wife, she needs to know the truth!

[Artie Lang]

be careful to not sweep this under the rug.

 

have you informed this OM's wife? she has a right to know.

[sidney2718]

I agree with Mickey. I too am not certain that the "gentle" approach will work, but as we know, each case is different. PJ's WW has indicated remorse and there is hope for an R.

 

But for it to come off PJ and his WW have to be able to sit down and talk without fear of temper tantrums or the hurling of past events at each other. If they can do this perhaps they can work out a roadmap where trust can be regained, remorse can be accepted and both can move on.

 

I say this because while I've not posted much I have lurked for quite a while before I became a member. One of the things that upsets me is the number of times folks want to move to nuclear weapons FIRST, hoping that that will shock the misbehaving partner back to their senses. It might. It might also so upset the misbehaving partner that all hope vanishes.

[Steadfast]

"Confused" or "unsure" means the cheater isn't crazy about their options. Chances are, if the OM felt the same way she does she'd already be gone.

 

Working on averages, she probably isn't prepared to burn all bridges with you. She'll want you to be 'understanding' while (he) figures it out. "Needing space" means time to have sex with him. With your full support that is.

 

Ignore words. Dismiss all talks about the relationship. Base your decisions on what she's doing, nothing more. No talking about it! Until she expresses that she's ready and willing to work on the relationship, you have nothing.

 

If she MUST have answers, tell her to start asking the right questions.

 

Start the timer. Limbo -one way or the other- ends then. Don't tell her anything. She already knows how you feel. Get your finances in order. Book time with an attorney. Only listen to her if she repeats the above.

 

Hang in. Keep posting.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you caught her cheating, you gave her another chance, she failed again by staying in contact. Why is it her choice if the marriage lives or die's? You need to take control, if she isn't on her knees begging you for another chance than very likely she isn't looking for one. If you want to bring her back to reality, expose the other man, tell his wife, end the fantasy, this is probably not his first rodeo. Your her back up plan while she continues to eat cake. Do not make the affair easy for her, talk to a lawyer, file if you have to because doing nothing is as good as giving her your approval to date. It takes time to divorce and you can stop it anytime before the final decree. Why waste more time, if she has left the marriage it's better you know sooner than later so you can start to heal. She needs to know you are moving on with or without her. She needs to know your taking yourself out of infidelity one way or another.

[tiredofitall2]

Friend, you caught her cheating, you gave her another chance, she failed again by staying in contact. Why is it her choice if the marriage lives or die's? You need to take control, if she isn't on her knees begging you for another chance than very likely she isn't looking for one. If you want to bring her back to reality, expose the other man, tell his wife, end the fantasy, this is probably not his first rodeo. Your her back up plan while she continues to eat cake. Do not make the affair easy for her, talk to a lawyer, file if you have to because doing nothing is as good as giving her your approval to date. It takes time to divorce and you can stop it anytime before the final decree. Why waste more time, if she has left the marriage it's better you know sooner than later so you can start to heal. She needs to know you are moving on with or without her. She needs to know your taking yourself out of infidelity one way or another.

 

Excellent advice, all steps that have been tried and proven effective! Expose the affair (make it uncomfortable) for both.

 

GAL (Get a life) demonstrate you will be OK without her.

 

Set a pan in place and take a stand. Do not show weakness. Be ready for a final divorce if she doesn't stop the A and comes back repentant.

 

Even if she comes back, but shows no signs she might not feel she did something wrong be careful as she is justifying her affair. She could do it again.

 

She already crossed the line and it will be easier the next time. Especially if she knows she can get away with it and you will always take her back without too much work.

 

Make her work for you and she will value you!

[bubbaganoosh]

Where in the world is PJ? PJ? PJ!

 

 

If you want to take her back then I would insist that she take a polygraph and find out if it was a PA. I would also let the OM's wife know about it. The dart league thing is out and so is her going out alone with friends unless you go with her.

 

If it was me, I would file because she really isn't putting a lot into any kind of remorse. Stop messaging her. Let her do the talking and when she does then give her your list of demands. If she stalls on it, then you'll know that she doesn't have her heart in it.

[BeholdtheMan]

Where in the world is PJ? PJ? PJ!

I'm afraid he might've taken this advice seriously

 

For extra comfort, you can bring your own welcome mat, strap it to your back and lie down facedown every time she opens her door so she can wipe her feet on you as she steps on your spine....you weren't going to be using that spine anyway.

 

Then if she goes inside to sit down, you can get on hands and knees in front of her and double your usefulness in her life as an Ottoman!

 

Then she won't have an excuse to get rid of you. No one throws away a multi-functional Ottoman!

 

It's hard to type on a keyboard while lying facedown outside the front door

[Confused48]

my H and he is a damn good man. A lot better than egotistical chauvinist males who think emotional cheating isn't as bad as some guy touching his "thing".

 

So guys cheating for the sex=expected

Women for the sex = Only an idiot would stay?

 

I'd also say do a poly for a parking lot confession (still side with the shrinks on their awesomeness). But here is the thing. Sometimes people don't have sex. Shocker huh? If my H had caught me in the early stages we would not have had sex. It took us three months from our first steamy come hither stare to getting physical past a lingering hand on the back or a brush across the bottom. And this was with AMPLE oppurtunity. We could have been having sex five days a week because neither of us worked.

 

I too am tired of people, men and women, who post about how men are this and women are that. It is probably the ones that happen to have there situation fall into the stereotypical patter so they think, yes, this is the way it is supposed to be. It's actually not helpful. It gives excuses for bad behaviors and assumes that others should react in pattern ways to bad behaviors bc they are male or female. It is also hurtful when people post things like, what kind of a man/woman are you if you would put up with that or if you would do that bad thing. It is just sexism and it is ugly.