Wife cheating getting through it

[Pjclarke2013]

Hi, think I posted this the wrong forum earlier?

 

Does anyone have any advice?.

 

Basically, I found out 6 weeks ago my wife was having an affair with a 52 year old married man she met at darts. She goes every week with her Dad and some friends both older then her. Found a number of messages on her Facebook account that she didn't know got saved. Chatting about sex etc etc. As you can imagine this totally shocked and devastated me!.

 

The affair had been going on since late August, I found out at the end of September. When I confronted her she said she was unhappy and didn't feel like she could she could talk to me. This other guy who she met through darts told her the things she wanted to hear. It started off as just chatting at first. Then it got more personal, they met up at places like Mcdonalds and met for coffee a few times and they kissed a few times.

 

She has insisted a number of times, she did not sleep with him. It did not get that far she said. I have asked her numerous times and she says no she didn't. She told her parents what went on and they never slept together.

 

She does seem genuinely remorseful and upset over the whole thing and wishes she could take it all back. She breaks down in tears every time we talk about it. At present she is staying at her parents. She tried coming back about a month ago, but she told me she messaged this other guy a few times. So I basically kicked her back out to her mums, to get her head sorted out and decide what she wants. That was over a month ago now. She still doesn't know what she wants or whether we are going to stay together.

 

She keeps saying she needs more time and she doesn't know who she is and she is confused. But I have spent the last 6 weeks in limbo and I have no idea whether or not I should just end it.

 

At the moment, she just seems so cold and distant. She says its because she is ashamed of herself and doesn't know what to say. Whenever we speak its always one sided, i.e me messaging her.

 

I still love her, I did want to try and work through it. But she doesn't seem to know what she wants. I am not sure how much longer I am prepared to wait as I am sick of being in limbo and not knowing where I stand. Basically, the whole thing has left me unsure where I want to go now.

 

She says she has cut off all communication with this guy now. Whether or not its true I don't know.

 

One thing I do know through the whole thing. It wasn't my fault, we had problems like all marriages. But she can never use that as an excuse.

 

Any advice on how to get past this or try to work it out?.

[road]

WW has to go NC with the OM. OMW must be told. Just kissed means they did a lot more usually they had sex. So a polygraph test is mandatory.

 

To learn how to cope and recover get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

All you do is message her now?

 

Do you ever see her?

 

Take her on dates?

 

When was the last time you had sex with her?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

How old are you,

 

how old is she,

 

how long married,

 

how long in a relationship,

 

do you have any kids or planning any,

 

do you own a house together or

 

have a lot of assets together?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Is other man married or have girlfriend,

 

does he have kids,

 

does your wife still see him or talk to him,

 

has she had sex with him since she moved out,

 

is the only way you know anything from what your wife tells you?

[Pjclarke2013]

She is 32

Over 2 years

8 Years

No kids

Yes we own a house

Just the house

[Pjclarke2013]

I am 35

she is 32

we have been married two years

been together 8 years

no kids

own a house together

[Pjclarke2013]

Yes he is married

yes he does have kids

I don't know if she still speaks to him

She insists she never had sex with him

Yes the only way I find things out about what went on is from her.

[Pjclarke2013]

Yes I do message her

I see her about once a week.

We went out a month ago

Over a month ago

[dreamingoftigers]

WW has to go NC with the OM. OMW must be told. Just kissed means they did a lot more usually they had sex. So a polygraph test is mandatory.

 

To learn how to cope and recover get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

I missed that they kissed.

 

Yeah, dude if she's saying they kissed...she screwed him. I'm sorry man. Sorry to be so blunt. It's Universal Cheater's Code.

 

They aren't 12. They aren't going to stop at kissing. Sorry.

[dreamingoftigers]

Friend, I'm 31. Welcome to the Club you Never Wanted to be a Member of.

 

Married two years and she's cheating. No kids.

 

Bail. Bail now.

 

Of course it's your decision etc etc etc.

 

She can't "make up her mind" between a 52 year old married man with kids abd her own husband after six weeks? It's lawyer time.

 

Hard question 1: do you really think she could be your children's mother after this?

 

I'm sorry man.

[Spark1111]

generally Pj, we BS's want to see CHANGE for the BETTER.

 

No Contact EVER with the OM.... Mandatory counseling, both Individual (IC) and marriage (MC).

 

We need to see remorse as in the WS manning or womaning up to disclose the truth of every question asked and re dedicating themselves to the marriage, and complete transparency which includes all passwords to all means of their communications.

 

If the conditions are not met, we 180 which means we do not discuss the relationship, move to divorce, and focus on ourselves and a new future.

 

We all LOVE our spouses but realize we cannot be lied to if trust is to be restored; need to see THEM proactively working to get us back; and refuse to live in limbo.

 

You did not cause her to cheat. DId she ever communicate her unhappiness to you pre-affair?

 

Her confusion and self-loathing ends today. Either she works at you and the marriage or she gets set free to explore these feelings for another.

[Spark1111]

Yes I do message her

I see her about once a week.

We went out a month ago

Over a month ago

 

Missed this....

 

I guarantee they still speak. it is the cause of her confusion.

 

her distance is related to a life with you, or pie in the sky with him or some distant, to be named future player.

 

Don't see her once a week. Don't message her.

 

If she is not fighting for the marriage, then she is trying to let you down gently.

 

I'm sorry, but it is time for you to move on to a woman who loves and appreciates you.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I still love her,

 

Any advice on how to get past this or try to work it out?

 

Start asking her out on dates and courting her again.

 

Tell her you will never again bring up the affair as long as she will give you another chance.

 

Never stop paying her attention. Treat her like the other man did.

 

Make sure she knows how much you love her and how grateful you are to her for giving you a second chance.

[dreamingoftigers]

Start asking her out on dates and courting her again.

 

Tell her you will never again bring up the affair as long as she will give you another chance.

 

Never stop paying her attention. Treat her like the other man did.

 

Make sure she knows how much you love her and how grateful you are to her for giving you a second chance.

 

Then she'll know every single time she cheats just how loving and forgiving you'll be.....

[Snowflower]

Start asking her out on dates and courting her again.

 

Tell her you will never again bring up the affair as long as she will give you another chance.

 

Never stop paying her attention. Treat her like the other man did.

 

Make sure she knows how much you love her and how grateful you are to her for giving you a second chance.

 

Are you being sarcastic here, or is this your advice to the OP?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Start asking her out on dates and courting her again.

 

Tell her you will never again bring up the affair as long as she will give you another chance.

 

Never stop paying her attention. Treat her like the other man did.

 

Make sure she knows how much you love her and how grateful you are to her for giving you a second chance.

 

Have you tried asking her to go out with you on a romantic date?

[dreamingoftigers]

Then she'll know every single time she cheats just how loving and forgiving you'll be.....

 

For extra comfort, you can bring your own welcome mat, strap it to your back and lie down facedown every time she opens her door so she can wipe her feet on you as she steps on your spine....you weren't going to be using that spine anyway.

 

Then if she goes inside to sit down, you can get on hands and knees in front of her and double your usefulness in her life as an Ottoman!

 

Then she won't have an excuse to get rid of you. No one throws away a multi-functional Ottoman!

 

That would be like throwing away a devoted husband!

 

Wait! What? She did that!?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Are you being sarcastic here, or is this your advice to the OP?

 

I am trying to give Pj an alternate point of view.

 

Forgive and forget and move on.

 

Maybe after a couple of months of the forgive-and-forget treatment she will feel guilty and come clean.

 

Or maybe Pj will be happy, anyway, and not care as long as she still will be with him.

 

Not all relationships, even where there is no cheating, have an equal or even close-to-equal power balance. Maybe Pj loves her way more than she loves him and he would be happier just having her back.

 

It seems no one ever recommends this approach and most of these threads end up in divorce with self-respect intact. Maybe Pj doesn't care so much about self-respect and would be happy with less self-respect and more wife.

 

Anyway, if it's not going well after a few months after Pj gives the forgive-and-forget method a try, he can always call it off and go hard-nosed on her again. He's already been in limbo six weeks and still is not ready to give up, so this method might be better for him.

 

As it is, Pj is miserable and wants his wife back really, really bad (you kind of have to read between the lines to see how bad he wants her back). Pj, please correct me if I'm wrong.

[dreamingoftigers]

He seemed a little ambivalent when he said 50/50 in the other thread.

[Spark1111]

I am trying to give Pj an alternate point of view.

 

Forgive and forget and move on.

 

Maybe after a couple of months of the forgive-and-forget treatment she will feel guilty and come clean.

 

Or maybe Pj will be happy, anyway, and not care as long as she still will be with him.

 

Not all relationships, even where there is no cheating, have an equal or even close-to-equal power balance. Maybe Pj loves her way more than she loves him and he would be happier just having her back.

 

It seems no one ever recommends this approach and most of these threads end up in divorce with self-respect intact. Maybe Pj doesn't care so much about self-respect and would be happy with less self-respect and more wife.

 

Anyway, if it's not going well after a few months after Pj gives the forgive-and-forget method a try, he can always call it off and go hard-nosed on her again. He's already been in limbo six weeks and still is not ready to give up, so this method might be better for him.

 

As it is, Pj is miserable and wants his wife back really, really bad (you kind of have to read between the lines to see how bad he wants her back). Pj, please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Mickey...we have three women here telling him a woman in love with her spouse, who is truly remorseful.....does not ACT the way his wife is acting.

 

She does not even call or message him. He initiates ALL communication and once a week dinner chats.

 

She KNOWS he still cares, but her actions shout SHE DOESN'T. She is not fighting for anything...except pity for her self-proclaimed remorse.

 

She wants it all to go back to the way it was pre-affair to save face with her friends and family.

 

Rather than OWN her actions, and being pro-active to reconcile, she claims confusion and could not be more distant. She's not even in counseling.

[Snowflower]

I am trying to give Pj an alternate point of view.

 

Forgive and forget and move on.

 

Maybe after a couple of months of the forgive-and-forget treatment she will feel guilty and come clean.

 

Or maybe Pj will be happy, anyway, and not care as long as she still will be with him.

 

Not all relationships, even where there is no cheating, have an equal or even close-to-equal power balance. Maybe Pj loves her way more than she loves him and he would be happier just having her back.

 

It seems no one ever recommends this approach and most of these threads end up in divorce with self-respect intact. Maybe Pj doesn't care so much about self-respect and would be happy with less self-respect and more wife.

 

Anyway, if it's not going well after a few months after Pj gives the forgive-and-forget method a try, he can always call it off and go hard-nosed on her again. He's already been in limbo six weeks and still is not ready to give up, so this method might be better for him.

 

As it is, Pj is miserable and wants his wife back really, really bad (you kind of have to read between the lines to see how bad he wants her back). Pj, please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

You bring up an interesting POV. However, people don't love those whom they don't respect. There would be no way she would start respecting PJ if he just did the forgive and forget way of resolving this.

 

She already has no respect for him just by the way she has treated him with her cheating and then barely talking to him. No, the handwriting is on the wall here with her actions or rather, inaction.

[Snowflower]

Mickey...we have three women here telling him a woman in love with her spouse, who is truly remorseful.....does not ACT the way his wife is acting.

 

She does not even call or message him. He initiates ALL communication and once a week dinner chats.

 

She KNOWS he still cares, but her actions shout SHE DOESN'T. She is not fighting for anything...except pity for her self-proclaimed remorse.

 

She wants it all to go back to the way it was pre-affair to save face with her friends and family.

 

Rather than OWN her actions, and being pro-active to reconcile, she claims confusion and could not be more distant. She's not even in counseling.

 

Once a woman is done with her marriage, she is done. This woman sounds like she is done. Why she hasn't filed for divorce or made other definitive steps toward moving forward, I don't know.

 

PJ, what do you think?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

He seemed a little ambivalent when he said 50/50 in the other thread.

 

Shocking is one way to describe it. I do kind of think like you said she is hanging on a thread while she makes her mind up. But I don't know how to snap her out of it as you said. If I try anything to drastic, I think she would probably just end it.

 

If I am honest, I am 50/50 if I want to save it. A lot of it hangs on her actions and what she does.

 

 

I didn't see this before. But it makes no difference if he said 50/50, I don't really believe him. If a guy is posting here on how to save his marriage after being treated the way Pj has been, no way is he "50/50," he really is desperate to save it and would take her back immediately if only she would give him a chance. In other words, many if not betrayed spouses who post here.

 

Also, Pj, that's OK, you have to live with it, not us.

 

Pj, the others are right about some info you seem to be in the dark about, namely, she is still in contact with him, she had sex with him and didn't just meet up to "kiss" in McDonald's, she still is having sex with him, and probably he won't leave his wife for her, otherwise she would be all in for him and also probably he is stringing her along, telling her he can't leave his wife because his wife threatened suicide, or is sick, has cancer, his kids have cancer, or some other reason, and that he will leave her soon to be with your wife, and that is why your wife still is hanging on. Meanwhile, your wife won't cut you loose until other man commits to her, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush or something like that. Look at some other threads here and see how this all works. You and your wife are not unique. Your wife is lying to you about the other man in order to keep you available as a backup plan.

 

That said, the fact that he won't leave his wife for your wife probably works in your favor.

 

Everybody seems to try the hard-nosed approach and make her apologize and give up the other man cold turkey, maybe in your case you could offer her forgiveness and forget the whole thing and you would be happier that way and maybe a couple months in you will get what you need from your wife as far as apology and truth.

[dreamingoftigers]

Once a woman is done with her marriage, she is done. This woman sounds like she is done. Why she hasn't filed for divorce or made other definitive steps toward moving forward, I don't know.

 

PJ, what do you think?

 

Sounds to make like she's cake eating.

 

If the married guy blew her off, she'd prob be back with pj next week if he would take her. But I don't even like sharing drinks with another person.

 

Spark and I have been there, and we both didn't divorce. Spark booted her guy right away. Mine sat down abd ate his cake for awhile until I booted him.

 

Both cane back.

Honestly, it just about the only success I've seen is the quicker the spouse 180s that tends to determine success.

 

Anyone remember bryanP? He 180ed right away and his wife was screwing her best friends husband. She practically crawled and begged by the end of it. But of course, he was having none of that.

 

Look at peaksandvalleys. Her husband might even have a CHILD by the OW. But she 180ed right away and trying to push for forgiveness in marital counseling etc etc etc. blah.

 

People who chest don't believe the consequences are coming or that there spouse will leave until they do.

 

They its all "oh my God, what? How could you do this to me? Please come back."