Girlfriend broke up. What do i do now? (long reading)

[Crushed88]

Hi all. I've been on this forum the last couple of weeks and i must say i've gotten a lot of insight reading these forums.

 

So nearly a month ago my ex girlfriend of 4 years and 9 months broke up with me. She is now 22 (21 when she broke up), i am 25 It was quite a chock. I think the breakup lasted a little over an hour, where I was in denial, did the usual crying, begging and pleading, promising that i could change for the better.

 

Change to the guy she fell in love with. She said it was too late. She didn't love me any more and she didn't have any feelings for me. I told her i loved her many times through the breakup. She didn't say it back. I asked her if there was anyone else, she said no. I asked if i could invite her out sometime soon and she said yes. I told her i would fight for her and prove to her how much i love and respect her.She said she would sleep at her (girl) friends appartment and she adviced me to go see one of my friends.

 

So what lead up to this. Well last year I applied to study musical science at the university. You have to audition to get in. I didn't get in. My second priority was studying math at the university. I got in, and was excited to start a new life, meeting new people etc. Although, I didn't really go well with the people in my class, to stuff we would have to learn was extreemely abstract and boring to me. I didn't know that to do. It frustrated me like hell, that i would have to go through with this until i found an alternative.

 

I couldn't figure out what else to do. I have always had low self-esteem, and throughout the first couple of years of me and my ex's relationship there was a lot of jealousy. Whenever i wasn't with her i feared that i would loose her. Our relationship started with us having an affair. She had a boyfriend, and we hooked up. We were together four times for four months until i finally revealed my feelings for her. A week later she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me, and the rest was history. Throughout our relationship, I learned that she had cheated on her ex with a couple of guys, some of them just kissing, two of them going all the way.

 

She said her ex didn't give her enough attention, and couldn't get away from his pc playing wow. So she found me instead. This information about her past didn't exactly make me feel calm. Hence my jealousy lasted a couple of years into our relationship. I started working seriously on it and i got better. I was no longer afraid of losing her. I was able to give her space, letting her do the things she wanted to do almost without any struggle. We moved in together a little over two years ago.

 

So the last year my self esteem has dropped to zero! Haven't been able to figure out what i should be doing with my life, studying something that really doesn't have my interest at all, i didn't have that many people to socialize with has been extreemely stressfull, and it felt like i had inferiority complexes. I have been trying to work on it but it didn't do anything. I didn't feel like I could accomplish anything. However my exams went all well. My girlfriend on the other hand, loves what she studies (chemistry). This summer she got in to studying music science. This literally took away the last of my breath. She started a couple of months ago, and has had great times. I decided that i should see a psychologist to get better and to help me figure out what to do. I had an appointment with him 13 days before the breakup.

 

As said i have been unsupportive because of all of the frustrations in my head.

It's hard coming home after litterally been tortured with informations that you don't care about remembering or understanding at all, but feel obligated to, and have to lisn't to what your girlfriend have learned through the day. When she tells about what she has learned she is very technical and detailed, and my head just couldn't handle more of such information on such days. I would cind of ignore her, tell her i had a bad day, and couldn't handle the information she was giving me.

 

She insisted on keeping telling me because thats how she gets to understand what she has learned.

When she got into musical science i couldn't feel happy for her. I broke down completely. We were still talking, but i would get angry from time to time saying some stupid things. Eventually it reached our sex life. For the last 1½ month of our relationship we didn't have sex. I just did not have the energy. Also I felt like I lost the attraction to her.

 

She broke up with me on Sunday the 13th October. The Friday before was a living hell. At first we had planned these things. We had until noon to ourselves and we agreed that we would have a good time with each other (and be intimate) as she was going away for the weekend with the people from musical science. I was really looking forward to it. But then she found out she had some stuff to do in the morning. I had to hand in an assignment as well, so we just ended up having breakfast together. I was in a really bad mood, and she felt that I was. Then she went of to school. I had gotten a temporary job and had to work.

 

When she came back from school I was doing the dishes. She didn't start helping out so I got annoyed and told her to help out instead of just being lazy and help out because i was busy cause I had to go to work. We got into a fight and she said (she has said this some times before) that this wasn't what she wanted to come home to. I told her that I know, and I didn't want that either, but she would have to deal with the mood swings I was having for the period, and said things would get better as I was now seeing a psychologist.

 

I ended up finding out I misunderstood when i was supposed to meet at work, and then was very I late. It ended with me packing my backpack and storming out the door, smacking it. Completely devastated, and no selfesteem. I was so angry with myself, because why couldn't I just for once do something right. I ended up being late for work and they had already put in a substitute to take my shift. My ex wrote me that she was sorry. I wrote her that i was sorry too. I went home and went directly to bed. My ex was with some school mates baking a cake for the trip she was going on, and later she got home to get her bags.

 

She got into the bedroom sat on the bed and cuddled my back, when i was lying there. I was completely frozen. I couldn't do anything. I kind of had a mental block. The said she was sorry about what she said earlier. I said I was the one to apologize, and didn't handle things really well. I tried not to cry as I didn't want to make her guilty of leaving for her trip. So i didn't cry. I just lied there feeling completely empty. All I wanted was to tell her that I love her with all my heart, kiss her goodbye and tell her that I hoped she would have an amazing trip. But I was mentally blocked.

She kissed me goodbye on the cheek and then left.

 

I didn't contact her for the weekend as I didn't want to bug her.

Again all this was Friday. The following Sunday was the day she broke up with me. I came home from my sisters birthday completely wet because of rainy weather and there she was sitting on the couch telling me that we shouldn't go out any more. That it was over. Her feelings towards me was gone, and that she didn't love me any more. She said we could see each other the following day, and that she would go on a trip home to her parents for the week.

 

I went to my old best friend, talked it all through. The next day i texted my ex asking if we could see each other. She asked if I thought it was a good idea. "Sure", I said. We went for a walk in the park nearby. She told me she felt good, kind of relieved. When we got back to the apartment I started crying, apologized for crying, and she told me she thought I handled it really well. She told me to figure out if wanted to keep our apartment or if I wanted to move. I said I'd think about it.

We said our goodbyes i hugged her and kissed her goodbye on her forehead. (I usually kiss her on the forehead, when I want to give a sweet kiss).

 

I was devastated and heartbroken. But I didn't initiate any contact, as I didn't see it doing anything good. It was Monday she left for her parents and the following Saturday night she came by to pick up some stuff. We agreed talking about some stuff, but she would not change her mind. She wouldn't let me see her crying as it would give me fake hope of getting back together. I told her i felt awful.

 

She told me that she thought i had treated her extremely bad for the past 6 months. I told her i was sorry she felt that way, and that i knew i hadn't been the best boyfriend. She told me she thought I should move away to one of my friends as she thought it would do me good. Then she said, "we had a great relationship but now I have to leave. She was tired of my stress. Like really exhausted. I followed her out hugged her, told her that I love her. She didn't say it back. Again I was devastated.

 

The following Monday (one week after the breakup) I discovered she had brought some stuff with her that made me very suspicious (her intimate shaver). I was so suspicious to the point where i couldn't control myself any more, so I signed in to her Facebook account (yeah really stupid and immature I know).

Here I learned that the same day she have had sex with she knew from musical science. That information almost killed me. She was the only girl i have ever been intimate with and now she had been intimate with a total of 5. I called up my parents to calm down. couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. I decided that i wanted her the hell out of the apartment immediately.

The next day she wrote me about some stuff (an apartment application we had that she could take over). I called her was angry and told her to come and pick up her **** otherwise I would throw it out.

 

She came by with her best friend. I asked her what to **** she was doing. She said she tried to move on. I told her she didn't care at all about my feelings, she knew how I felt and yet she did this to me. She said of course she thought of my feelings. Didn't believe her. I pushed her up against the wall scared her, but quickly stopped myself and told to to pack up her **** and get out.

 

She hesitated saying that she wanted half the deposit back first and said her name was still on the lease so legally she didn't have to move anything. I smacked my hand against the door telling her to get going. She and her friend then started packing her things. Her parents came by to pick it up. By the end of the day I hugged them all told I would truly miss them and that I loved them. I hugged my ex but wasn't really shure why. She told me it was the only right thing to do.

I deleted her on facebook that day and haven't seen her since.

 

Now it's been almost three weeks. We have mailed a little because we still have some stuff to take care of. Her name has to come off the lease, and we have to sign for it. I found some left over stuff of hers and she got some mail.

 

She mailed me yesterday saying she got the paper for the new lease, and asked if she should sign it scan and mail it to me, or if I wanted to meet up and do it.

 

I want to meet up and do it, but i really don't know how to handle it. She was my first girlfriend. The first and only person i have been intimate with, and the love of my life for 4 years and 9 months. The truth is I miss her like hell. I see my own mistakes now. Of course she didn't admit any of her mistakes the last time I saw her. She told me in a mail that she was truly sorry about everything, and I told her that if I could just believe her everything would be much easier.

 

I don't know what to think about her hooking up just one week after the breakup. Heck i don't even know if they hooked up the day she broke up with me. I've read a lot about rebound relationships but i don't know about this. Is she just trying to get me out of her system? Or is there really something about this guy. I know she have had thoughts of leaving me in the summer (she told me so) but convinced herself that she would stick on with me.

 

Actually all I want to do is have one last good memory with her. Maybe take her for a cop of coffee, get the last things done and then go NC. But I don't want to do anything that would push her closer to that guy (maybe it's to late).

 

After all we have had some amazing time together and I really want to end things the best way. But I can't help not feeling betrayed fooled and disrespected. She gets to have all the fun after the breakup and i'm the one who ends up suffering. Although I feel like she is the one that should be suffering. She left me at the point of my life where I needed her the most.

 

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Edited November 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Crushed88]

Okay, so she came by a couple of days ago. She brought a friend because she couldn't handle being alone with me. He waited in the entrance the whole time (about 40 minutes).

She asked me how I was and I told her that I've been worse but also definitely been better. I asked her how she was. She told me she felt awful. Every day she felt awful. That she didn't know who she was any more and that she felt empty inside.

 

She said it with a really sad face and a couple of tears went down her chin. I was kind of surprised that she felt this way. I told her that I know her. That i know she is very afraid of being alone (she dumped her ex boyfriend and got with me the same day, so she hasn't been alone in over 5,5 years since she was 16). So in a way I understood. She said that she seeks safety with other men.

I told her I didn't see her the same way any more. And that I saw everything differently now. And then I apologized for the way I have been acting towards her for the past half year. I said I was truly sorry.

 

 

I told her I didn't know who I was any more either. But that I knew who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the guy I was a couple of years ago but with better self-esteem. That my focus now was getting a job and finding musicians to play with. She smiled at me. She said she misses who I was.

I told her I was becoming suspicious that she may have cheated on me on her trip before she broke up with me. She said that she never cheated on may. That she respected me too much to do that that. I told her my worst nightmare had come true. That I lost her in the arms of another man. She said that I didn't. That she isn't dating anyone right now, and I could ask her friend if I didn't trust her.

 

She said that her biggest nightmare (losing me) had come true as well. We talked a little while. I made her laugh telling her an anecdote from something I tried a couple of weeks ago.

I gave her some tea back in an orange jar. She asked if I wanted to keep the jar, and I told her she could take it cause it matches her T-shirt. A T-shirt that meant very much to her, and that she got from me. That made her cry.

 

We signed the lease, and I asked if there was anything more we needed to do or talk about. I felt I was nearly done and so did she. I had a red bow in my pocket that I got from her when I graduated high school four years ago. When she gave it to me back then she had it on her little finger, and it was a symbol that I had her.

 

 

So I asked her to sit on the couch which she agreed on (she didn't know what i was about to do). I then sat next to her, took her hand and told that I never thought this would be the way I would put anything on her finger. (I tried tried hard not to cry). Then I put the bow back on her little finger. We both cried an held hands for about one minute. She looked at me and asked if we should hug. I said all right, and we hugged for about one minute as well both crying. She told me that she forgive me. I said I couldn't forgive her yet, but maybe someday I could.

 

Then we said our final good bye. She said she would like to have coffee with me sometime but not any time soon. I said that she would have to initiate it. That I wouldn't contact her any more. We hugged again for a little while and she kissed me on my forehead. I kissed her back on her forehead. We hugged again and told each other that we would miss each other. I told her to be strong and to believe in herself. I knew was going to with myself.

She went out the door with her friend, smiling to me and I smiled to her as well. We told each other to take care.

Edited November 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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