Pjclarke2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Hi, Does anyone have any advice?. Basically, I found out 6 weeks ago my wife was having an affair with a 52 year old married man she met at darts. She goes every week with her Dad and some friends both older then her. Found a number of messages on her Facebook account that she didn't know got saved. Chatting about sex etc etc. As you can imagine this totally shocked and devastated me!. The affair had been going on since late August, I found out at the end of September. When I confronted her she said she was unhappy and didn't feel like she could she could talk to me. This other guy who she met through darts told her the things she wanted to hear. It started off as just chatting at first. Then it got more personal, they met up at places like Mcdonalds and met for coffee a few times and they kissed a few times. She has insisted a number of times, she did not sleep with him. It did not get that far she said. I have asked her numerous times and she says no she didn't. She told her parents what went on and they never slept together. She does seem genuinely remorseful and upset over the whole thing and wishes she could take it all back. She breaks down in tears every time we talk about it. At present she is staying at her parents. She tried coming back about a month ago, but she told me she messaged this other guy a few times. So I basically kicked her back out to her mums, to get her head sorted out and decide what she wants. That was over a month ago now. She still doesn't know what she wants or whether we are going to stay together. She keeps saying she needs more time and she doesn't know who she is and she is confused. But I have spent the last 6 weeks in limbo and I have no idea whether or not I should just end it. At the moment, she just seems so cold and distant. She says its because she is ashamed of herself and doesn't know what to say. Whenever we speak its always one sided, i.e me messaging her. I still love her, I did want to try and work through it. But she doesn't seem to know what she wants. I am not sure how much longer I am prepared to wait as I am sick of being in limbo and not knowing where I stand. Basically, the whole thing has left me unsure where I want to go now. She says she has cut off all communication with this guy now. Whether or not its true I don't know. One thing I do know through the whole thing. It wasn't my fault, we had problems like all marriages. But she can never use that as an excuse. Any advice on how to get past this or try to work it out?.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Welcome to Loveshack. Frankly, I think your wife is doing the usual Wayward Spouse (WS) bullcrap of "trickle-truthing" you and still messaging etc. (very heavy on the etc.) with this other guy. I don't say that because I know your wife personally or anything, but because her behavior fits a pretty standard pattern we see on here nearly. Every. Day. She's not "confused" she has you on the backburner if her current Plan A doesn't work out. When spouses get this deep in, they don't seem to snap out of it if their betrayed spouse (BS) enables it at all. I went through this to by the way. I know it's scary and uncomfortable and highly, highly shocking and upsetting. I STRONGLY suggest you look up divorce-busters 180 whether or not you want to save the marriage to get yourself grounded again and feeling a little more like yourself instead of just some guy in her 'waiting room.' How To Prevent a Divorce ? The Last Resort Technique | Divorce Busting (And no I'm not a spammer or work for them or anything, the 180 helped me get my head back together when I was separated from my husband. A lot of people on here, when they properly employ it, do quite well.)
Author Pjclarke2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Shocking is one way to describe it. I do kind of think like you said she is hanging on a thread while she makes her mind up. But I don't know how to snap her out of it as you said. If I try anything to drastic, I think she would probably just end it. If I am honest, I am 50/50 if I want to save it. A lot of it hangs on her actions and what she does.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I was there for a long time too. You can't really wait around for them to hem and haw. Did you read the 180? They'll either start to pick up on it within a few weeks or so or they won't. My husband started shifting his behaviours within 48 hours, blowing up my phone and so forth. But he's pretty reactive. At first she'll probably just feel like there's less pressure on her, and then it will start to sink in.
Author Pjclarke2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Hi, what is 180?. Sorry I am from the UK. Do you have a link.
crederer Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I have to agree with dreamingofothers. Anytime I hear someone say "I don't know what I want, I'm confused" or anything along those lines, it usually means they know exactly what they want but they're not sure they can get it and don't wanna go double or nothing on your relationship, so they string you along in the meantime. If she was really remourseful she would have told you instead of having you have to find it. What has she done since to help the relationship? Doesn't sound like anything from your posts.
Recommended Posts