I depend too much on my boyfriend for my happiness and self-esteem. :(

[littlesuperstar]

Here’s the problem.

 

I hope you guys will understand.

 

I think I’m depending too much on my boyfriend for my happiness and for my self-esteem.

 

Because every time I am with him, I feel like the happiest girl. I feel like the luckiest girl. But when he’s not around, I feel sad. I feel so needy of his attention. I feel that I miss him so much. My depression and mind comes into overdrive and all I think of is him. I honestly want him to feel the same way. I want me to be the reason for his happiness.

 

What’s worse is that when he’s not with me, when he’s out with his friends or family, I suffer from thinking that he’s having fun without me. That he’s happy with someone else and that I’m not even crossing his mind. I know that it is so selfish of me but sometimes I wish for him to have a miserable time without me.

 

I am sorry. I am very aware that this is very unhealthy. I know this will just push him away. I don’t want to be too clingy. But I can’t help myself. It’s killing me.

 

You know what? I wasn’t like this before. People know me to be a very cheerful girl. Yes, I have a lot of problems but I was very optimistic that whatever comes my way, I can overcome. My friends do not notice it when I’m sad because sometimes I keep my problems to myself and I only share them when I can’t help it. I was very happy. Even after I met him. Even when he started courting me. That’s when I was the happiest. But things got complicated. We fought for several times mostly because of my attitude and my negativities. I told him all my problems. I told him what’s bothering me. That I have a really low self esteem. That I don’t think I have worth.

Here’s why. I’m not sure if I should tell this but I think I have to for you guys to understand. I was sexually abused as a child. Nobody else knows that except him. My father hurt my mother and they got separated when I was 2 years old. My brother physically hurt me when I was as young as 15 years old. I’ve been emotionally hurt many times by my ex boyfriends cheating on me although I know I have been a playgirl myself before. Those are too much burden on my shoulders. It is hard for me to trust someone. I am paranoid. Sometimes I think he will cheat on me if he sees someones better. It’s eating me up inside. I want to trust him but I can’t avoid my paranoia. Really, what is wrong with me? I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I know is that, this is not me.

 

Sometimes I envy him. I am insecure because I feel like he has a life and I don't. He has a family which he can always talk to and make him happy. He has enough money to do or buy things that he wants. And I don't.

 

Sometimes when we fight, he tells me that he is sick of all our fights and me being paranoid but at the end of the day, he tells me that everything is going to be okay. That he will help me forget my horrifying past, that he will always be there for me, that he will treat me as a princess,that he will never leave me, that I have to trust him because he will never hurt me and that he loves me so much.

 

People tell me I should focus on myself. Give myself some alone time, find hobbies or go out with friends. Or simply find my happiness within me.

 

I have a lot of friends. But most of them are too busy with their own lives. I don’t want to be too desperate to call them during my time of need or only when I’m bored and I have nothing else to do.

 

I have hobbies too. I sing, play guitar, make covers on youtube. I was a member of a dance crew but I left the group because of a lot of reasons and one of them is him.

 

Sometimes I think maybe because he is not giving me the enough attention that I need, that maybe he doesn’t make me feel beautiful or he doesn’t bring out the best in me, but I don’t want to blame him. The problem is me and not him. I really love him so much. I don’t want to put our relationship at stake. I don’t want him to suffer because of me. I am in desperate need of your help. Thank you so much!

Edited November 11, 2013 by littlesuperstar

[Toddbt12y1]

Are you seeking help for your depression and past trauma? You can find the help you need, to set yourself on a path of healing. Sexual abuse is a major problem, and may now result in your depression...

 

This, and you not going out enough. You need to find a way to be more active or social. Do some of those old things, at least. You cannot give your life up, sit around, this will result in deep depression.

 

As of you being cheated on before and your current bf: Let go of the past cheaters. This guy is not those guys. He seems to care for you, and understands your issues. He could have left long ago, otherwise. He must live his life(much like you need too), and hangout independtly with his friends. This does not mean he is cheating on you.

 

Worrying would not prevent that anyway.

 

Find a new hobby to do. One that may make you happy. To occupy you, when he is out. I am sure you are on his mind from time to time. But...you've formed a co-addiction for him. That you are no longer as independent.

 

I am sure other posters can offer you more key advice on how to regain your independence.

 

Be at ease. I believe the guy cares for you and understands. But...you have to make some effort for you.

[d0nnivain]

This isn't about your BF. It's about your underlying abuse trauma. You need professional help to work through something like that. It's confidential. It's safe. It will help you address every one of the concerns outlined in your post.

 

Unfortunately until you deal with this, you will not be able to move forward & genuinely be happy.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you & hope that you can find your way back.

[littlesuperstar]

Thank you so much. What confuses me is that why haven't I experienced this kind of depression before? It's like I have buried everything from my past to the ground. It wasn't much of a big deal. I feel like it still isn't but maybe subconsciously, it is. Sorry if I can't explain myself that much. I am very confused. My problem is my self esteem is very low. I can't find my happiness within me. I think that is the reason why all of these are happening.

[Got it]

I concur with the therapy suggestion. You are codependent as well and glad that you recognize it is not healthy to have your happiness tied to one other person.

 

You need to focus on your life, your family and friends, and develop yourself. Romantic relationships should be the icing on the cake, not the cake. The happier and healthier you are, the better the relationship will be.

 

Take care of you. You need to make sure you are your number one priority.

[Els]

Sorry to hear about your past. The others are right, you need to seek professional help for your problems. That should be first priority.

 

However, that doesn't necessarily mean your bf is free of all blame, either. It is possible also that this R may be unhealthy for you and is triggering your depression/anxieties. How much attention does he give you? Does he put effort into it?

[littlesuperstar]

I can say that he gives me enough time. We are both in college and some of the classes we attend to are the same. So we see each other for like 5 days a week. A little less during the sem break. He takes me out to dinner most of the time. But whenever we are together, there's not much to talk about. But sometimes, he compliments me in some little ways. But mostly because I ask him questions that makes him do this. I expect a lot from him and whenever he doesn't meet my expectations, I get upset. I am sorry for having a lot of issues right now. I don't know where to start.

[d0nnivain]

You mentioned that your current BF is the 1st person you ever told about what happened. I suspect that saying it out loud made it more real & brought back a lot of stuff that you had kept buried for a long time. Burying stuff like that can be an effective short term coping mechanism. It got you this far. But now that it's back, you need help getting through it -- more help than you can effectively get off an internet message board.

 

 

Hang in there. Acknowledging stuff like this & reaching out for help can be some of the biggest hurdles in recovery. You are almost there. . . . now pick up the phone & call a professional to make an appointment.

[Els]

Professional help.

[littlesuperstar]

Thank you all so much for your replies. But as of now, I don't think I can afford professional help. I am still a college student, and I don't have income.

Anyway, here's another thing, I feel like I am out of his league. He says I am attractive, pretty and all that. He says every guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend but I can't convince myself to believe him. I think he is very attractive. And I think I am not. I think that there are other girls out there better for him and I am afraid that I cannot be that girl, that when he meets her, he will leave me. But I want to be that girl. I want to be with him because he makes me happy. I want to be happy when I am with him and when I am not with him.

[d0nnivain]

Most colleges have free mental health counseling. Start there.

 

 

All law enforcement agencies have referral services to low cost resources.

 

 

Leagues are BS. everybody is in the same league. If you can't see that for yourself, recognize that he - this guy that you think is so much better than you -- has good taste & proper judgment. He picked you. Therefore, there must be something that he sees even if you can't so for now just rely on his judgment until you get your self esteem back.

[todreaminblue]

the last thing i want or need when i am depressed is company......i would cherish the time alone to sort myself out.....however i do it, i do it alone, when i get paranoid i hear voices or have hallucinations.....sometimes ill flash back ....ill be somewhere else not good.....dont want a partner around me when this happens...i am 45 and have an extensive history of trauma sexual verbal and physical assault..... i can differentiate though....that trauma and who inflicted it....

 

in saying that i dont think a partner could handle em withdrawing like i have to....i am the opposite of clingy.I spend a a lot of time with my own thoughts.....

 

 

you have to let a guy have time to himself...and as far as bringing out the best in you....that best is in you and you can bring it out.....takes a bit of effort and getting out of your comfort zone.....

 

 

a sexually abusive history is hard fro nay partner to knwo what to say or do ....sometimes partners of women who have had sexual abuse need distance and you give them that just like you actually do need alone time to centre your thoughts in the present and not the past.....

 

finding an understanding partner willing to take on a woman with issues is not easy ...finding a partner who understands even harder.......so when you hav eone....that goes out sees his family and friends actually gives your life normalcy, constancy and purpose ....enjoy it.......enjoy him and enjoy times together and spent apart....you are blessed to have someone who says he will never hurt you....believe him...dont live in the past.....good luck and happy thoughts to ya......deborah

[pink_sugar]

OP, how old are you? I was this way with my bf, now husband when I was a teenager. Man, was I childish. Part of this may come with age and having your own commitments and social circle, but it's not healthy to depend on your bf for happiness. Eventually, it will get old after awhile. I am under the impression that you're pretty young, so if I were you, I would put my time and energy into things I love, hobbies, school, work etc. That way at the end of the day, you're really looking forward to seeing your bf. Life is short, enjoy yourself and surround yourself with family and friends who care about you that you can spend time with without your bf. You will look forward to your time together that much more.

 

For me, getting involved and meeting new friends and people helped me overcome the desire for my husband to fill my unhappiness void. Bottom line is do things that will make you feel great about yourself and that will boost your confidence.

[ascendotum]

Thank you all so much for your replies. But as of now, I don't think I can afford professional help. I am still a college student, and I don't have income.

Anyway, here's another thing, I feel like I am out of his league. He says I am attractive, pretty and all that. He says every guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend but I can't convince myself to believe him. I think he is very attractive. And I think I am not. I think that there are other girls out there better for him and I am afraid that I cannot be that girl, that when he meets her, he will leave me. But I want to be that girl. I want to be with him because he makes me happy. I want to be happy when I am with him and when I am not with him.

 

Ok this adds another element to your situation. I saw this scenario play out with my sisters and their friends when they would land a 'hot out of my league guy' that they really wanted yet they were not happy for the same reasons that you listed earlier. They didn't have your childhood issues to contend with either. The good thing is you seem quite self aware over your issues, though I am not sure how much you realize your actions may in fact be self fulfilling in terms of driving him away from you. Since you are on a tight budget it would be good if you could find a decent book that helps you deal with what you are going through and will outline coping strategies you could put in place. (hopefully someone here can recommend one)

 

You need to build up your self esteem to the level where you you wont feel as per your the heading on this thread. Its not going to be an overnight thing since there has been issues going back quite a few years. Getting a 'great + out of my league' bf has not helped to see you as a great catch yourself. You really need to work on yourself and not put the burden for your happiness as the responsibility of your bf because it just is unfair, and the good thing is you know it, but just don't know how to change.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I was exactly that way when I was younger. I had loving, supportive parents in a stable home and I was never abused or neglected.

 

I had the same attachment and abandonment issues. I would get so scared when my GF wasn't with me. I knew I wasn't good enough for her so I was just waiting for her to be swept up by a better guy. I would obsess over every threat, real or perceived. All my GF did was love me the best way she knew how. Couldn't ask for a better partner. It didn't stop me from being possessive. I had to keep her close to me so she wouldn't abandon me. Eventually, my emotional outbursts led to the demise of that relationship.

 

I have a mixture of Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality disorder, and Inattentive ADD. I've reason to believe that genetics play a huge role in personality disorders.

 

I suggest you do some research on things like PTSD and personality disorders, then talk to a mental health professional about it. There are specialized types of therapy to treat these disorders. A standard talk therapist probably won't get the job done in your case.