Anknownymous Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 This is going to be a hell of a long story so please, please be patient because I have reached a dead end and death seems to be the only solution at this point. I had a rough childhood. I was sexually abused by 2 people at a very young age. I was a witness to mom being physically and verbally abused by my dad who was an alcoholic with major anger issues. I never felt safe anywhere at all. After a few failed relationships where I was either physically or emotionally or mentally abused, I decided that being single was the best option until I met my first husband. He was 17 years older than I was but he was so loving and caring. The only problem we had at that point was intimacy. Of course, since I was naive and stupid, I left him. Soon after that, I married again a few months after my divorce and 4 months after I got together with my husband now. At the beginning, things were so nice and magical. He was my high school crush and it felt like destiny had brought us together. He too was divorced and I took that as a sign that we were meant to be. We were both 30, he is only a few months older. He really wanted a child before he turned 30 and I wanted to give him that since his ex was not able to and since he made it seem like he was going to be the perrrrfect husband and father. This was not the case. I am a smoker and I had to quit smoking cold turkey as soon as I discovered that I was pregnant. That plus the pregnancy hormones made me crazy but his abuse was not helping at all. He would say things to me that made me feel so worthless and I would lose it. At some point, I wanted to get an abortion thinking: this man is not right for me and I should not have a baby with him. But he threatened to leave me and hate me if I do, so I didn't. All throughout the pregnancy things were getting worse and the fact that he is too attached to his mom, brother and cousin did not help at all. He would always put them first, whether it was a vacation or anything else. We also live right across from his brother and cousin while his mom lives downstairs with her grandson (from her deceased daughter). I went to therapy until 2 weeks before I gave birth, it was the only thing that kept me sane. Apart from all his broken promises, I chose to stay and wait it out. The first 2 months after I gave birth were hell. He would leave the house to go to his office (a business which he owns) just to run away from our son. Then he started arguing with me about him going to the gym. I know these seem so stupid now but at that time they felt like he was abandoning me. Anyway, we had a few big fights and I hit him on his shoulders and arms a couple of times when he messed up my wheels or when he broke things around the house. A few months ago, he was drunk and threw me across the hall and I landed on my back and couldn't walk for a few days. A while after that he went crazy and beat me up for 45 minutes straight in front of his cowardly cousin who just stood there. Please note that I am forced to spend time with this cousin on every family obligation (I can't even look him in the face!!) My son is 11 months now and my husband barely spends any time with him, or me. When he is at home, he drinks, he passes judgments on how I raise my son and he just makes me feel like crap. When we are out, his mother says passive aggressive remarks and makes me feel like crap. If I reply, I am a female dog. If I stay quiet, I am rude. If I cry, I am an embarrassment. We have been going to therapy for the past month but he thinks that I am going because I need someone to take decisions on my behalf (i.e, the therapist) and he is going to prove that I am wrong and he is right. It is worth mentioning that his ex-wife and him went to therapy and it was a total waste of time and money. Now, I am scared ****less of him, I feel angry all the time and I feel trapped with no place to go. My mom works 18 hours a day to support my brother and herself since my dad is married and does not help her at all. A part of me just wants to leave him. But I don't want my son to grow up without a father. However, I think if he kills me, his family would be on his side covering it up. He is rich and has many connections and I am just trying to grow my little company and don't have the financial resources to fight him ( I spent all the money I saved the first year of marriage). I know I make mistakes and that I have said really hurtful things but I also know that I don't deserve this kind of treatment. His family fully depends on him and they talk about me behind my back and are always on his side. I can never leave my son behind although I think he is the only reason that my husband married me to begin with. I feel so trapped and I just hope that God could take me and get this over with. If you have any advice, please share it with me. This is my last resort.
curiousGeorge2 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 The first thing to do is make sure yourself are safe. You didn't call 911 when he beat you last time? This will happen again. There is a probably a woman shelter center near where you are. Google it. If you don't have a car, call 911 right now and ask the cop to take you there.
Zahara Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 A part of me just wants to leave him. But I don't want my son to grow up without a father. . If that is your only reason to stay, I would think very carefully about what you are saying. Your son is growing up without a father. You mentioned that he barely spends any time with him. This man is NOT a positive role model for your son. In time this boy is going to mimic your partner's behavior. He's going to see that it's okay to beat a woman up for 45 minutes. Is that the father you're speaking off that you seem to think he may be missing out on? Or the one that is absent from your son's growing years? If your son's life is going to be f'd up, it isn't because he will have to grow up without a "father", but it's because he is growing up with such a father. Things aren't going to change. He will abuse you and in time abuse your son and worst of all, teach him that abuse is perfectly acceptable. Please get out of there. Please do some research if there is a local domestic abuse hotline you can call and find guidance as to your first steps to removing yourself from and protecting your child from this man. And the next time he beats you, call 911. Get in on record. You need to be proactive instead of just wishing to end your life. You need to consider the life of your child as well before you just give up. 1
Lemonitaz Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 This situation sounds very traumatic and difficult and I am sorry you are going through this. I think your priority should be to protect your child and provide the best possible life you can for him, free from abuse and craziness. If you are not sure of the best way to make this happen, I agree with the other posters that calling a domestic abuse hotline would be a great first step. They can help you sort out your thoughts and refer you to a local shelter if you need to physically remove yourself from the home. Your husband and his family do not sound like they are good people. It's unlikely that you will be able to change any of their behaviors. Therefore focusing on finding a safe, happy place for your son and yourself is really the best way out of this situation. People CAN and DO leave abusive situations and have happy lives after.
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 In most states the biological father owes child support. Go see a lawyer ASAP. Death is not your only way out. There are options & things can be fixed. Call a suicide hotline if you feel like you can' t hang on. Please, please, please don't kill yourself. Your son needs you. If you truly think you are in physical danger take your son & RUN don't walk away. I suspect your mom will take you in. How old is your bother? Can he safely provide child care while you work? Could you move in with your dad & his new wife? Can he help you in the short term financially since we are also talking about the safety of his grandchild. If none of those options work, you can always go to a shelter for battered women. You mention God in your post. Have you turned to your house of worship for guidance? Somebody there may be able to point you in a good direction. If you have the skill set to own & operate your own business, you should have the skills to get a job. Once you are more financially stable, you should feel a bit better about your independence. As for your child growing up without a father --- your EX will always be your son's father. Growing up in a different house is still way better then growing up in a household where Daddy beats the snot out of Mommy routinely. Do you really want your son to learn the lesson that it's OK to use women as punching bags?
mrs rubble Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Listen to the other posters and get out NOW...don't wait. I wish I'd left my abusive partner earlier, my son was 7 when we got out...I reckon you have a better chance of doing less damage to your son's future if you leave while he's still a baby. It is tough, but once you survive this challenge, you will impress yourself with your own strength.
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