How do people settle?

[xxoo]

This is what I have been looking for and never been able to find (well the reciprocated version anyway). I felt it once or twice but one of those times the guy was married with kids and I couldn't act on it.

 

Anything less than that is settling to me. So my question is: how unrealistic it is to wait for reciprocated version of this type of chemistry? Probably as unrealistic as hitting the jackpot.

 

I am realizing this so I am exploring the more realistic types of connection.

 

I don't know how unrealistic it is, but I think it is very unnecessary. The magnetic sexual tension that builds (when it does build) can be just as intense, and much longer lasting.

 

Betting on instant spark is a poor bet, imo. A spark based on something real is a better bet.

 

Did you have that instant spark with your long term crush?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't know how unrealistic it is, but I think it is very unnecessary. The magnetic sexual tension that builds (when it does build) can be just as intense, and much longer lasting.

 

Betting on instant spark is a poor bet, imo. A spark based on something real is a better bet.

 

Did you have that instant spark with your long term crush?

 

Probably not instant but within a week or 2 of interacting. Which is close to instant.

[Kate9292]

Oh, I hate weed. Is that what MJ is? LOL sorry, I had a pretty innocent upbringing and never partied or took drugs up until recently.

 

I seldom get wasted, and do not take drugs every year. Not something that is cool to do all the time.

 

I was a pot head when younger, and it made me horny. NOW? Well, YEARS later I tried it again.... After ten years without it.

 

It just gave me anxiety straight away and did my head in.

 

Never again:lmao:

 

I knew if I got horny anyways, that the dude I was in a LTR with woulnt "feel like" pleasing me anyways, so...

 

Well, there are 2 kinds of weed: sativa and indica. Both work differently. Sounds like you had some sativa. I use it and found that you need to kinda clear your mind before you hit it because for me it strenghtens whatever sensation was already there. Your source could also be not very high quality. I only use medical MJ, I have a prescription for it. I wouldn't trust some weed from you don't know who.

 

And sorry to hear about that dude. That was exactly what I was talking about when I thought about no settling.

[xxoo]

Probably not instant but within a week or 2 of interacting. Which is close to instant.

 

But it isn't instant, which proves that it doesn't need to be instant to be incredibly powerful. My spark with my guy happened in the first few weeks, but wasn't instant--but it's lasted longer than any instant spark I've experienced (which usually faded once I got to know him better, instead of growing).

 

Now think about the kind of interactions you had. They weren't OLD dates, right? It was more natural interaction.

 

I think that's how you need to meet your guy. You need to get out there and interact with people, including single men, naturally. It's not going to happen alone in your apt, and it's unlikely to happen through OLD.

[Leigh 87]

Well, there are 2 kinds of weed: sativa and indica. Both work differently. Sounds like you had some sativa. I use it and found that you need to kinda clear your mind before you hit it because for me it strenghtens whatever sensation was already there. Your source could also be not very high quality. I only use medical MJ, I have a prescription for it. I wouldn't trust some weed from you don't know who.

 

And sorry to hear about that dude. That was exactly what I was talking about when I thought about no settling.

 

 

 

I consider weed to be a dangerous drug when not handled properly.

 

In the past, I have felt very euphoric on it. Just, after years of not touching it, I tried again last year sometime; I immediately wanted to pass out. I felt sick.

I lost all sensation of feelings. I couldn't feel love towards my boyfriend.

 

It was awful.

 

And yes, settling.

 

The thing is, Andrew and I were best friends. Neither of us had EVER been that comfortable around another human being.

We laughed at and with each other. To this day, neither of us have laughed so much with anyone else, and we both miss it. It sucks.

We had everything, but the ONE key thing lacking; he did not have tat ROMANTIC fire in his heart for me.

He LOVED me deeply; he was not, however, IN love with me... Where the women consumes the man, where he actually has URGES to please her sexually because it serves a purpos to HIMSELF.

Where the guy is compelled to put fouth the effort with nice romantic gestures. A massage, maing me my fave dinner, flowers....

 

At the time, it didn' feel like settling until it clicked; guys who are madly in love do not sleep with hookers or go online to talk to girls on dating websites.

 

We both believe in signs, and we both fel a VERY weird vibe and VER peculiar voice in our head, that told us we had to be together.

It is freaky, we both felt it.

Neither of us thought we would go online dating in a million years. Yet we did, out of the blue one Friday night.

I believe it was due to his mother passing just before we met. He had an ex he travelled with who looked after him initially; once she left and got too busy with her masters, I was planted in front of him.

I am extremely caring and empathetic. The perfect woman to take care of him when he needed it the most.

 

We honestly had a very happy life together in spite of his occasional hooker habit and talking to girls online towards the end.

...........................................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

The reason some people would have settled with a comfortable, happy live in relationship like we had? With loads of laughs every day?

 

Because they want a family, they want a partner who they like a lot.

 

Andrew nor I wanted to settle down particulaly, we wanted to travel the world an we did not want children.

 

He had not motivation to give up ever being with another women again, just to have me by his side his entire life. Caring for him.

 

He didn't want the family. He aint the type to "need a gf".

[Johnson1]

I just did not want to be with the current guy who is amazing to me, because I feel NO urge to be WITH him.

 

WHY be with a guy because HE is crazy about me?

 

It's great that you say you're not picky. Okay, so maybe you're not as high maintenance as I thought, which is good because that's what guys like, but your above statement confounds me.

 

What is it about the dude that amazes you, but doesn't turn you on? Don't the two kinda go hand in hand? Why did you start going with him if you're not physically attracted to him?

 

I couldn't do that. For me the physical chemistry has to be there at the outset.

[Divasu]

I lost all sensation of feelings. I couldn't feel love towards my boyfriend.

 

It was awful.

 

And yes, settling.

 

We honestly had a very happy life together in spite of his occasional hooker habit and talking to girls online towards the end.

...........................................................

 

I'm sure a big part of the "loss" of feelings was because your ex engaged in sex with prostitutes while with you.

 

Staying with him would have been the epitome of the word "settling".

Do you know how incredibly damaging that must have been to your self-esteem? Good thing you are no longer with him.

[Leigh 87]

It's great that you say you're not picky. Okay, so maybe you're not as high maintenance as I thought, which is good because that's what guys like, but your above statement confounds me.

 

What is it about the dude that amazes you, but doesn't turn you on? Don't the two kinda go hand in hand? Why did you start going with him if you're not physically attracted to him?

 

I couldn't do that. For me the physical chemistry has to be there at the outset.

 

 

Like Eternal Sunshine, I wanted to feel chemistry with a guy within the first week ish of talking.

 

However, once I found a guy who was head over heals for me and was such a good man who I LOVED to be around?

 

I wanted to give things a try, even though I much prefer to feel that excitment about the men I am dating.

 

I am picky when it comes to morals, but I am not picky with looks, their job and what sort of personality they have.

 

As long as they treat me like a princess, the spark is there and we have that red hot passion early on for one another, all I ask is that he is educated enough to use basic grammar correctly, he has a stable job, and he can travel with me and does not want kids.

 

Could not give a rats ass what he looks like, as long as I feel the spark and that big chemistry that excites you from the start.

 

I have nice teeth and prefer it on a guy, but it is by NO MEANS something I need.

 

If I want the spark with a very decent guy with good morals, I realise I will have to lower my standards for all other areas, since this spark is of utmost importance to me.

[Leigh 87]

I'm sure a big part of the "loss" of feelings was because your ex engaged in sex with prostitutes while with you.

 

Staying with him would have been the epitome of the word "settling".

Do you know how incredibly damaging that must have been to your self-esteem? Good thing you are no longer with him.

 

 

I see a nice therapist now...

 

And I have not tolerated bad behaviour since:lmao:

 

In his case, I "settled" because we were very loved up, for the most part, and had a loving life together, and we crack each other up every day like no one else can.

 

To avoid setting, then, I think it is wise to get to know a guy well before getting carried away; knowing their values and true character is key.

 

Then you can walk away sooner rather than ... never ( I was dumped...)

 

Even if I get that spark ad hot chemistry again, I will avoid "settling" by NOT getting too carried away, since I also need to ascertain whether or not he is a worthy partner.

 

Getting all googly eyed is fun, but it is awful to let THAT be the sole determining factor that makes you want to push forward.. , Without first approving that he is of good, solid character and values...

[Phoe]

Now that I think of it..

 

That ONE man who I have ever had a spark with?

 

 

It took over 10 years for it to grow. From a friendship as kids. I slowly fell for him, and once I knew I was done for, seeing him in person made my entire body, mind and soul, go completely haywire.

[melodymatters]

I'm admitting right away that I browsed this thread more than read every single post as is my usual pattern.

 

Basically, it's pretty simple for me : If I am not mentally and physically attracted to a man, I am settling.

 

If he has some traits or negatives ( Not a high enough education, not the perfect age, income) and I am STILL totally physically and mentally into the guy, then I am accepting that he is human and no one is perfect and I am NOT settling.

 

And, it goes without saying, he must be a man of character who loves me with all his heart and soul and would give his life for me, as I for him.

[Imported]

You should be like....'Should I stay or should I go?'

 

Flip a coin. Heads stay. Tails go.

 

You'll be like.....'Damn it! It's heads! And I wasn't really feeling it!! '

 

But the coins don't lie.

[Leigh 87]

Probably not instant but within a week or 2 of interacting. Which is close to instant.

 

 

 

 

By the end of date on, after I have talked to him for hours, if there is chemistry, I feel like kissing him.

 

With guy 1; it took a whole night together to feel more and more intense, it was not INSTANT on first site, but happened after a day together, when he left I realised I was crazy for him.

 

guy 2: it took a day and night of kissing with a bit of hesitation, for the OMG I cannot stop kissing this guy factor to come in.

 

guy 3: he had me at hello, we seemed to spark over the phone via pictures and talking for a week.

When we met; we instantly hugged, got into his car, and made out. It was extremely intense, and the most hard and fast chemistry I have ever developed.

 

ALL these guys I was happy to kiss after date one.

 

Some chemistry was slightly more intense than others at an earlier time frame, however; ALL THREE GUYS would have lit my fire within a month or two in the same way, even though guy 3 was the most intense spark.

 

ALthough I gave my long term ex, Andrew, a week or more to feel hot and heavy towards him and I did after about 3 weeks or so.

 

I did not get that whole " I want to jump your bones" feeling for him until a month at least.

 

I am fairly certain I was legit in love with him, so....

............................................................

 

 

 

If it was not for his hookers and his cheating with other girls online, I would not have felt that I was settling at all, since I was very hot and heavy for him, albeit NOT RIGHT AWAY upon meeting him!

 

However, I have decided that, since him, I prefer the instant giddy excitement I get from saying goodbye to my date after date ONE, and then my heart racing whenever he texts.

[lino]

I searched for stats on single men Vs single women in Melbourne and Sydney and didn't find anything which says there are definitely more single women in either city. Do you want to provide your supposed sources?

 

I think this is just a case of being extremely picky and over estimating your appeal.

 

I have female friends and many female relatives in both cities and they don't have trouble meeting single guys. Some of them jump from guy to guy like it means nothing

 

You're just insanely picky, nothing more.

[lino]

Also, the main reason Aussie women are heavily approached overseas, especially in Europe, is because they're seen as an easy root.

 

The locals in these countries know their reputation and try to get some action while Australian women are on holidays in their country.

[Jason8886]

I've browsed the thread so my apologies if I repeat what someone else has said. I think people "settle" in one of two ways or sometimes one after the other.

 

Firstly, people settle in meh relationships because there is not a significant reason to leave. They may be happy or they may be unhappy, but they have a relationship and there is no catalyst to leave or look for something better so they settle into the relationship. This is a characteristic on my parents generation. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. It can lead to bitter relationships down the track as people feel trapped, becoming resentful. I call this settling into the relationship.

 

The second way is where the relationship and life ticks along and milestones progress. You date for a while, get engaged and then married etc. I have a number of friends who are like this they have been together for sometime and just move through life together. It's not really planned it just happens. I call this one settling into life (as a couple).

 

These are just my thoughts from what I've seen and experienced.

 

I have to admit the settling into a relationship freaked me out when I found myself in a relationship that I was not that happy in but had no reason to leave. I found myself considering just accepting my situation and settling into life together. Luckily fate saw to it that the relationship ended, because I realised how unhappy and bitter I would have become. I now look for more fulfilling relationships, although I must admit it can be difficult to find.

[Titania22]

I searched for stats on single men Vs single women in Melbourne and Sydney and didn't find anything which says there are definitely more single women in either city. Do you want to provide your supposed sources?

 

I think this is just a case of being extremely picky and over estimating your appeal.

 

I have female friends and many female relatives in both cities and they don't have trouble meeting single guys. Some of them jump from guy to guy like it means nothing

 

You're just insanely picky, nothing more.

 

It's not a study but here is a report that was in our newspaper a few months ago A man glut for young women

[Eternal Sunshine]

I searched for stats on single men Vs single women in Melbourne and Sydney and didn't find anything which says there are definitely more single women in either city. Do you want to provide your supposed sources?

 

I think this is just a case of being extremely picky and over estimating your appeal.

 

I have female friends and many female relatives in both cities and they don't have trouble meeting single guys. Some of them jump from guy to guy like it means nothing

 

You're just insanely picky, nothing more.

 

I'm posting from my phone now but I will be happy to provide you multiple sources in a few hours

[Eternal Sunshine]

Also, the main reason Aussie women are heavily approached overseas, especially in Europe, is because they're seen as an easy root.

 

The locals in these countries know their reputation and try to get some action while Australian women are on holidays in their country.

 

Except that I don't look any different than an American woman. How would they know that I'm holidaying? Yet number of cold approaches is much higher.

[Iguanna]

When we are young we think that we will make a difference, we will differ from our parents cause we are stronger, we are better, we are smarter. Well this illusion comes to an end some day when you see that you have settled to something or someone you are not 100% happy with but you can't do otherwise. People settle with everything every day, we hate our bosses but smile to them, we are not that satisfied with our friends but we need them so we settle, we would prefer our lover to have been a little more.... or less .... (put your own adjective here...) but we can't change him/her and we are not in the mood to find another one etc etc. Our whole life is about settlement, and in my opinion it's because we are social creatures and we try to obey to rules of the society. It's because we don't want to make some people sad or betray them or offend them, that's why we choose to settle than change what we don't like.

 

I'm 32 and I have come to the conclusion that nobody can be totally 100% happy in his life cause happiness is not a state of mind but it's moments and you can't pursue these moments with certainty, you can only hope for them to come. I have also come to the conclusion that you can't change others, only yourself. We can choose: either we don't settle and possibly be alone in our lives or we settle in some things and we have people around us who settle as well. The big question is, can I bear to be alone? This is the secret about settlement.

[Leigh 87]

When we are young we think that we will make a difference, we will differ from our parents cause we are stronger, we are better, we are smarter. Well this illusion comes to an end some day when you see that you have settled to something or someone you are not 100% happy with but you can't do otherwise. People settle with everything every day, we hate our bosses but smile to them, we are not that satisfied with our friends but we need them so we settle, we would prefer our lover to have been a little more.... or less .... (put your own adjective here...) but we can't change him/her and we are not in the mood to find another one etc etc. Our whole life is about settlement, and in my opinion it's because we are social creatures and we try to obey to rules of the society. It's because we don't want to make some people sad or betray them or offend them, that's why we choose to settle than change what we don't like.

 

I'm 32 and I have come to the conclusion that nobody can be totally 100% happy in his life cause happiness is not a state of mind but it's moments and you can't pursue these moments with certainty, you can only hope for them to come. I have also come to the conclusion that you can't change others, only yourself. We can choose: either we don't settle and possibly be alone in our lives or we settle in some things and we have people around us who settle as well. The big question is, can I bear to be alone? This is the secret about settlement.

 

 

 

 

I am pretty happy in my own life.

 

I am not settling with any of my friends, and I Have not settled for any of the guys I Have dated besides my long term ex...

 

I feel a spark with enough guys and I have passion for them, so I am pretty confident that I will find a guy and that neither him nor I will feel that we are settling at all.

 

When ou are really in love, you are just happy; couples I know who are truly in love and crazy for each other do not feel like they settled at all.

 

They stop wanting their dream girl; a girl they fall head over heals for BECOMES that perfect girl.

 

I Have seem it enough to have good faith...

[Iguanna]

Settlement is not a bad thing in my opinion. It shows that you are mature enough to realize that nothing can be totally perfect and accept this fact as an adult. It shows that you love someone enough as to make sacrifices for him/her. I have learnt not to get angry with compromises but proud that I do them and make someone happy, as they do for me sometimes. It's just being social creatures.

[man_in_the_box]

Àgreed, the word 'settle' has got a huge negative stigma by being associated with putting up with situations or people that are not even adequate enough to provide happiness.

[Leigh 87]

Settlement is not a bad thing in my opinion. It shows that you are mature enough to realize that nothing can be totally perfect and accept this fact as an adult. It shows that you love someone enough as to make sacrifices for him/her. I have learnt not to get angry with compromises but proud that I do them and make someone happy, as they do for me sometimes. It's just being social creatures.

 

 

An example,

 

I have nice teeth and I would prefe a guy who also has straight teeth.

 

This is a preference; when I fall madly in love with a guy, all those "preferences" go out the window.

 

To me, I do not consider it settling if you are very much in love with a person.

 

It is not settling when you are totally in love.

 

Everyone I know who is totally in love with their partner feels the same way...

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think eternal sunshine and leigh87 would make a great couple if they were that were inclined ;-)

 

Sure, I always wanted to try some girl on girl action