How do people settle?

[Phoe]

I am curious about ladies on here that say they don't need the spark. Do you still feel excited and passionate about sex with your new partners even though there is no spark/butterflies?

 

I am naturally horny and absolutely always want sex, it's on my mind constantly (UGH lol) but my exes were not as sexual as me, so it didn't happen often, and it wasn't any good because they were very lackluster about it.

 

 

I never had sex with the one guy I had a spark with, but I imagine it would have been amazing.

 

 

Overall, I think my lack of sexual experience kind of makes me a lousy example for answering your question, lol

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am naturally horny and absolutely always want sex, it's on my mind constantly (UGH lol) but my exes were not as sexual as me, so it didn't happen often, and it wasn't any good because they were very lackluster about it.

 

 

I never had sex with the one guy I had a spark with, but I imagine it would have been amazing.

 

 

Overall, I think my lack of sexual experience kind of makes me a lousy example for answering your question, lol

 

Haha Phoe you sound like a dream girl to me

[Phoe]

Haha Phoe you sound like a dream girl to me

 

hah, it was no dream for my poor exes.

 

 

I tried to be understanding that their sex drives weren't on par with mine, but when they absolutely just didn't even TRY to make me happy I grew cold and resentful.

 

 

Those relationships never lasted long...

[ltjg45]

Heh, thanks

 

 

It's not the most enviable or rare of situations though, my buddies spend hours playing games with me on a regular basis ^_^

 

 

speaking of which..........

 

I am naturally horny and absolutely always want sex, it's on my mind constantly (UGH lol) but my exes were not as sexual as me, so it didn't happen often, and it wasn't any good because they were very lackluster about it.

 

 

I never had sex with the one guy I had a spark with, but I imagine it would have been amazing.

 

 

Overall, I think my lack of sexual experience kind of makes me a lousy example for answering your question, lol

 

Why can't you be here in Jacksonville, Phoe? I would love to have a woman like you.

 

Especially one that wouldn't mind me playing card games/video games.

 

Outside the fact that we both live on the opposite sides of this country, you sound basically perfect for me.

[irc333]

Here is my definition of spark

- get excited when they text and call

-by the first date or TWO at most, you have enough chemistry to want to kiss them

-you have sexual urges for them early on due to chemistry EVEN IF you are not a person who will ACT on them UNTIL you get to know them more...

- you feel EXCITED about seeing them

 

The last dude gave me CHILLS when we were cuddling... chills dow my spine.

 

Hm, funny that....I've been on a few dates here and there where I had those "spark/chemistry" feelings between the both of us, I get all worked up...excited to out with her again.

 

Call her for a 2nd date....and get ignored or they fall off the face of the planet.

 

Probably the bored or fickle type

 

Anyhow, from then on I learned to keep a steady head than get all caught up in the excitement right away. I stay more guarded these days until I have reason to let my guard down.

[madjac74]

Why can't you be here in Jacksonville, Phoe? I would love to have a woman like you.

 

Especially one that wouldn't mind me playing card games/video games.

 

Outside the fact that we both live on the opposite sides of this country, you sound basically perfect for me.

 

Down boy. I'm sure she isn't really that hot as her picture. Manti Te'o?

[madjac74]

Hm, funny that....I've been on a few dates here and there where I had those "spark/chemistry" feelings between the both of us, I get all worked up...excited to out with her again.

 

Call her for a 2nd date....and get ignored or they fall off the face of the planet.

 

Probably the bored or fickle type

 

Anyhow, from then on I learned to keep a steady head than get all caught up in the excitement right away. I stay more guarded these days until I have reason to let my guard down.

 

 

Do you ever think that maybe you just suck at dating? You seem to blame the women a lot but c'mon!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hm, funny that....I've been on a few dates here and there where I had those "spark/chemistry" feelings between the both of us, I get all worked up...excited to out with her again.

 

Call her for a 2nd date....and get ignored or they fall off the face of the planet.

 

Probably the bored or fickle type

 

Anyhow, from then on I learned to keep a steady head than get all caught up in the excitement right away. I stay more guarded these days until I have reason to let my guard down.

 

Correction: you felt it, she didn't. You are projecting your feelings onto her. Trust me on this: women don't feel that spark easily. When they do, they don't just walk away from it.

[madjac74]

Was that your feelings or are you just happy to see me!

[Phoe]

Down boy. I'm sure she isn't really that hot as her picture. Manti Te'o?

 

no need to be rude about it!

 

 

ltjg, sometimes it always feels like things could be better if you could just get out of the area you're stuck in. I know what you mean... gotta be some way out, for both of us.

[Leigh 87]

Hm, funny that....I've been on a few dates here and there where I had those "spark/chemistry" feelings between the both of us, I get all worked up...excited to out with her again.

 

Call her for a 2nd date....and get ignored or they fall off the face of the planet.

 

Probably the bored or fickle type

 

Anyhow, from then on I learned to keep a steady head than get all caught up in the excitement right away. I stay more guarded these days until I have reason to let my guard down.

 

 

 

 

D/w it happened to me; I thought there was an exceptional spark, and the guy dissapeared after spending an entire week with me telling me how amazing I was:lmao:

 

Just cos we feel it; they may not.

 

It happens to everyone! We feel the spark; they don't.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think anyone is legitimately saying it's BETTER to do things this way...

 

 

I think people are saying that's it's perfectly okay for things to happen this way.

 

 

For some, it would be settling, and it's unacceptable. For me, it's okay though. I don't view it as settling. I would still be happy.

 

 

Right.

 

But why bother with "learning' to enjoy sex with a person you don't instinctively want to jump?

 

I have tried and it is NO WHERE NEAR as thrilling as sex with a man you are IN LOVE with. Taking moths and months "growing" to love a guy who you only feel meh about IS NOT falling in love; t is growing to love another person.

You can grow to love pretty much anyone, if you spend enough time with them and you are both nice to each other and you enjoy each ohers company.

 

IT IS NOT falling " in love".

 

YOU NEED chemistry initially to fall in ROMANTIC love.

 

I have two sollutions to that problem, of having to have a relationship purely for stability, cuddles at night and having a "Mate". Who you like somewhat and can fulfill your dream of hving a family with, but with someone YOU ARE NOT in love ith or that sexually hot for.

 

I don;t need those above things, so:

 

I have FWB for spark/passion without a relationship.Genuine mates who happen to be attracted to me, and me them, who I can occasonally have fun with.

YES friends - they are my friends before AND after the "benefits" end and we talk about enough things of value without sex needing to be in the picture for them to want to know me.

 

As for having men with good, solid characters and good morals and values who would have a good partner but who I DO NOT have ANY desire to jump in the sack with?

 

.....................THEY ARE MY FRIENDS!

 

 

I am sure I could force myself to want sex with any average looking male friend who wants to date me and would be a fantastic partner, treat me like a princess and seems like the type to stay faithful.......

.......................But I have my hand:lmao: to satisfy my high sex drive AND I have FWB who I actually have CHEMISTRY with, to f*ck.

 

 

 

 

I love having a loving relationship, but with a man I am PASSIONATE about. NOT a "good friend" who I have to spend a lot of time with in order to be able to tolerate sex with them.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hm, funny that....I've been on a few dates here and there where I had those "spark/chemistry" feelings between the both of us, I get all worked up...excited to out with her again.

 

Call her for a 2nd date....and get ignored or they fall off the face of the planet.

 

Probably the bored or fickle type

 

Anyhow, from then on I learned to keep a steady head than get all caught up in the excitement right away. I stay more guarded these days until I have reason to let my guard down.

 

Because you are a rational person. I have had the same experience. Just because you can have a blast with someone and get all excited about them hec just because someone is AMAZING IN BED doesn't mean they have long term potential. A lot of the people harping on "spark" have had a million relationships and now it becomes very clear why; LACK OF DEPTH.

 

Successful people have temperance. You cannot do everything you feel like just because you feel like. Some thought and analysis should go into it. No one is denying they want their partners to find them appealing but "butterflies" can be fleeting and superficial and there HAS TO BE SUBSTANCE if there is to be longevity. The "spark crazy" people based on what they've posted on this board alone have gone through relationships like underwear, seem to be pretty indecisive in some regards, and go into things with their eyes wide shut. Not very prudent.

 

I really like someone and every time we Skype/interact we smile incessantly and I take witty jabs at him:cool:. I could be goo-goo ga-ga for him and although I've asked enough questions of depth to know if there is great potential for compatibility, until we meet in a few months in person and I see how he interacts with his family, people, and most of all with me, I cannot be 100% sold on this therefore I chose to keep an open, sober mind and heart. I believe it will be a success but cannot rule out the fact there is also a possibility it might not. Until it's confirmed I am not getting overly excited about it.

[Johnson1]

Nope, that's exactly what I need. I need a good, decent, faithful guy.

 

I am that way. My wife and I were together for 25 years and I never cheated. I can't say the same for her though.

[Leigh 87]

Because you are a rational person. I have had the same experience. Just because you can have a blast with someone and get all excited about them hec just because someone is AMAZING IN BED doesn't mean they have long term potential. A lot of the people harping on "spark" have had a million relationships and now it becomes very clear why; LACK OF DEPTH.

 

Successful people have temperance. You cannot do everything you feel like just because you feel like. Some thought and analysis should go into it. No one is denying they want their partners to find them appealing but "butterflies" can be fleeting and superficial and there HAS TO BE SUBSTANCE if there is to be longevity. The "spark crazy" people based on what they've posted on this board alone have gone through relationships like underwear, seem to be pretty indecisive in some regards, and go into things with their eyes wide shut. Not very prudent.

 

I really like someone and every time we Skype/interact we smile incessantly and I take witty jabs at him:cool:. I could be goo-goo ga-ga for him and although I've asked enough questions of depth to know if there is great potential for compatibility, until we meet in a few months in person and I see how he interacts with his family, people, and most of all with me, I cannot be 100% sold on this therefore I chose to keep an open, sober mind and heart. I believe it will be a success but cannot rule out the fact there is also a possibility it might not. Until it's confirmed I am not getting overly excited about it.

 

 

 

I don't go through relationships like underware. I have had two. Long term live in relationships. Through time hard times in both of our perosnal lives (at the time).

 

The rest were just dating after my recent long term ex. I wasn't ready, hence they didn't work. I tried it with 3 guys since my ex, but I was not ready to even date briefly, and the guys saw it.

 

I am not silly, I have had live in relationships, I know the work it takes, I want a man of inegrity who will be faithful and treat me well, AND I also know when a guy is into you, versus a guy who is full of sh*t.

 

I happen to believe I can feel the spark and butterlies ith a decent, respectable man, who posesses the qualities I look for.

 

I think I am going in with my eyes wide OPEN; I know the signs that a guy is into you and I KNOW it takes TIME for them to prove their strength of character.

 

I know you need to hang out with a man, without sex on the table, and see just how much he is driven to SEE you and spend TIME with you. How mch he laughs with you and shows that he just loves BEING with you for YOU, without sex on the table at all or in the imminent future.

 

I have learnt to not jump into relationships or dating.

 

How am I being unrealistic?

 

I am open to a WIDE array of men of all ethnicities, looks, backgrounds, and fields of their professions........

 

I look for depth and substance; I just realise I will have to wait a bit longer, since I want that AND the spark.

[RedRobin]

I know men are wired differently and they can feel pure horniness/sexual attraction without the spark or butterflies.

 

I am curious about ladies on here that say they don't need the spark. Do you still feel excited and passionate about sex with your new partners even though there is no spark/butterflies?

 

I can feel pure horniness/attraction without what you call 'spark' or what XXOO calls glow. I'm like a guy that way... I've considered many times simply going down the casual sex path and having short term flings or ONS... giving up on my hope of love altogether.

 

You asked if I still feel excited and passionate about sex with new partners even though there is no spark/butterflies??

 

Yes. I need actions of love and care in order to be sexually attracted to someone for more than a few weeks. The couple of times I jumped into a relationship with a guy that I had intense sexual desire for BEFORE those actions/feelings were established, my feelings for him quickly died afterward because the love and trust were not established in advance.

 

They were not happy when I dumped them... because the sex was awesome, they were developing feelings for me... or so they said. Probably BS, but who knows. Their anger is still a mystery. Maybe if I'd stuck around a little longer, they'd get around to treating me better... who knows? I wasn't about to take the chance of getting sequed into FWB or FB territory.

 

Among the men I grew to know BEFORE developing passionate sexual desire, the sex and passion feelings definitely grew. Even if the sex was a little awkward in the beginning, their care made learning fun Why am I not with them? In one case, his career simply made it impossible to have the simple, uncomplicated life I was looking for. The second, I dunno. We both had some major emotional barriers to overcome. Water under the bridge. Can't go back. In both of those cases, I felt my life enriched by the experience at least...

 

Can't say the same for the others.

 

So, that is my model now. Resist those who I have strong early sexual feelings for and consider whether they can demonstrate actions of love and care... or seek out men I'm reasonably or mildly attracted to where my feelings and passion grow for them over time.

 

I can say without exception, that the ones I had strong early sexual feelings for NEVER, not once, demonstrated actions of love and care consistently. Not once. So in my mind, I simply don't waste my time on those men or those 'feelings'.

 

I KNOW I can develop attraction towards those who treat me well consistently, and vice versa.

[Leigh 87]

Red Robyn,

 

I am at a stage in life where, I too, cannot be into a guy sexually unless he treats me well. Any slip up, and my attraction falters.

 

This has never happned to me before, but a guy is completely had over heals in love with me atm. He is the most amazing guy. Earns good money and really looked after me. He would honestly move mountains for me.

 

Yet here is the difference with HIM versus SPARK guys:

 

- he is cute enough objectively, nothing wrong with his looks, yet I do not feel like kissing him or pleasuring him OR even having sex with him

 

- I spent weeks with him most days, and still it didn't change, event though he continued to treat me like a princess

 

- the 3 other dudes that DID get my heart racing, I wanted to kiss them within a day or so of talking a lot to them!

 

- with the spark dudes, I got EXCITED about the prospect of exploring dating with them; with the first guy, the genuine, loyal and amazing partner guy - I did not get an surge of excitement when he texted.

 

I do not go for bad boy, bad guy types, so why not just get to KNOW a guy I spark with, and take things slow? I do not seem to go for the hot, out of reach unattainable "bad boys". Perhaps my choices of spark boys are safe?

 

Why not find the spark and then be sensible and not jump the gun?

 

That is what I am looking to do.

 

I do not find it hard to find that 24 our spark; whereby, within 24 hours of knowing the guy, I feel a high level of desire to be sexual with him NOT that I want to put it into practice with the next lucky guy:lmao: Not until he proves he is genuine.

[Divasu]

Right.

 

But why bother with "learning' to enjoy sex with a person you don't instinctively want to jump?

 

No one is suggesting that...

A person can't "learn to enjoy" sex with someone he/she is not attracted to.

That is not the argument here. There is always a foundation initially needed to build off of.

 

A spark is the chemistry that motivates us and people are motivated by different things. Just because their's isn't the same as yours, doesn't mean he/she is settling.

That's a very pompous view for someone to have.

 

with the spark dudes, I got EXCITED about the prospect of exploring dating with them

 

So, where are these "spark dudes" you speak so fondly of...

[Ruby Slippers]

I know what you mean about the attention from random other guys. It's fun and intoxicating at times... but maybe because I work around all men I see it for what it is... a passing fancy.

 

The guys who are good at producing that feeling you are craving just aren't cut out for relationships of any substance or duration. That's just how it is. If you seriously got to know any of them, you'd quickly see how they treat their wives and GFs. They cheat on them or neglect them. I've seen it a million times.

I don't agree with this. I've had long-term relationships with a few guys who clearly felt those swoony feelings for me and treated me very well, for anywhere from 1-3 years. I only felt the feelings in return for one of them, even though I really wanted to feel it for each of them. We had other problems (like different attitudes toward sex, his meddlesome family), so I didn't end up marrying any of those guys.

 

I also know couples where both are pretty swoony about each other, some of which have lasted for many years and are as swoony as ever, with no cheating or bad stuff. These are the magical relationships to me, the ones that make other people feel all swoony and hopeful about the promise of love, too.

 

My experience is that when you feel those feelings, and have good compatibility, life is generally a joy, just much richer and more fulfilling than life without that magical love that gives everything a glow. Guys who felt that way about me would go to just about any length to make me happy. They were sweet on me and everybody could see it.

 

Maybe because I've seen their dark side, it is infinitely easier for me to just smile, enjoy the moment, and graciously keep on walking without it affecting my feelings for my partner in the slightest. Or usually, it makes me that much more grateful for the good man I have (when I've had one... they are so rare).

When I feel adored and admired by my partner, I barely even notice other men. A clue to me that something is wrong is always when my mind starts to wander. When I'm happy and secure with a guy, that just doesn't happen.

 

Anyway, the lacking admiration and adoration was just one of the problems in my relationship with him, part of a larger pattern. We just didn't seem to speak the same love/romance language. We tried hard to learn each other's, and sometimes succeeded, but in the end the connection on that level wasn't natural enough, was too much work to sustain.

 

And by the way, I don't think those in-love feelings are the only thing that matters in a relationship. Of course you need to be compatible in practical ways, be able to communicate, adapt, have shared goals, enjoy similar activities, and so on. But all that is a lot easier and more fun when you're in love with the person and the feeling is mutual.

[xxoo]

The bottom line is that sexual attraction needs to be there. If a guy is kind and fun, but feels more like a brother more than a lover, that's a problem, and kindness alone isn't going to make the shift.

 

We are all different, and a big part of what makes the difference between brotherly and loverly feelings for me is the man's behavior. I respond to certain behaviors, in addition to kindness and all that other good stuff. And the spark hasn't disappeared, because the behaviors haven't disappeared. He still treats me like that girlfriend

 

Now, would I respond to those behaviors whether they guy was kind or not? Maybe. That's why it is important to identify the core behaviors that I'm attracted to, and find them in a good man.

 

ES, what triggers spark for you? Think about the people you've felt the most sexual desire for. What was it that made them so desirable in your eyes? What behaviors or characteristics can you pinpoint?

[Johnson1]

Red Robyn,

 

I am at a stage in life where, I too, cannot be into a guy sexually unless he treats me well. Any slip up, and my attraction falters.

 

This has never happned to me before, but a guy is completely had over heals in love with me atm. He is the most amazing guy. Earns good money and really looked after me. He would honestly move mountains for me.

 

Yet here is the difference with HIM versus SPARK guys:

 

- he is cute enough objectively, nothing wrong with his looks, yet I do not feel like kissing him or pleasuring him OR even having sex with him

 

- I spent weeks with him most days, and still it didn't change, event though he continued to treat me like a princess

 

- the 3 other dudes that DID get my heart racing, I wanted to kiss them within a day or so of talking a lot to them!

 

- with the spark dudes, I got EXCITED about the prospect of exploring dating with them; with the first guy, the genuine, loyal and amazing partner guy - I did not get an surge of excitement when he texted.

 

I do not go for bad boy, bad guy types, so why not just get to KNOW a guy I spark with, and take things slow? I do not seem to go for the hot, out of reach unattainable "bad boys". Perhaps my choices of spark boys are safe?

 

Why not find the spark and then be sensible and not jump the gun?

 

That is what I am looking to do.

 

I do not find it hard to find that 24 our spark; whereby, within 24 hours of knowing the guy, I feel a high level of desire to be sexual with him NOT that I want to put it into practice with the next lucky guy:lmao: Not until he proves he is genuine.

 

Jesus, you sound like the most high maintenance chick I've ever heard. You sound completely different on this post vs. your other post where your boyfriend made you go to bed horny and you had to finish yourself off. Here you sound frigid and picky.

 

You said this current guy you're with makes a lot of money and treats you like a princess, but you don't desire him? If that the case don't expect the relationship to last too long, unless of course he doesn't mind you not wanting to have sex with him, which is rare.

 

I wrote on another post about women desiring the guys who treat them like crap, and you proved it. The 'nice' 'loyal' guys you mentioned are getting the shaft. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Bad guys might turn you on, but they aren't going to give you the loyalty and caring you want.

Edited November 16, 2013 by Vocals5

[Eternal Sunshine]

The bottom line is that sexual attraction needs to be there. If a guy is kind and fun, but feels more like a brother more than a lover, that's a problem, and kindness alone isn't going to make the shift.

 

We are all different, and a big part of what makes the difference between brotherly and loverly feelings for me is the man's behavior. I respond to certain behaviors, in addition to kindness and all that other good stuff. And the spark hasn't disappeared, because the behaviors haven't disappeared. He still treats me like that girlfriend

 

Now, would I respond to those behaviors whether they guy was kind or not? Maybe. That's why it is important to identify the core behaviors that I'm attracted to, and find them in a good man.

 

ES, what triggers spark for you? Think about the people you've felt the most sexual desire for. What was it that made them so desirable in your eyes? What behaviors or characteristics can you pinpoint?

 

Sometimes I can't explain it. Other times I have noticed a pattern when a guy acts like he adores me. Including very romantic gestures (almost grandiose), being a passionate lover where he can't get enough of me. Some guys are able to create magical world with only us in it. The problem is, guys that act like this at the start generally are players and sweet talkers. They mean very little of it and promise things they don't deliver.

 

Good men tend to be more pragmatic and cautious and being cautious prevents me from developing those swooney feelings.

[xxoo]

Sometimes I can't explain it. Other times I have noticed a pattern when a guy acts like he adores me. Including very romantic gestures (almost grandiose), being a passionate lover where he can't get enough of me. Some guys are able to create magical world with only us in it. The problem is, guys that act like this at the start generally are players and sweet talkers. They mean very little of it and promise things they don't deliver.

 

Good men tend to be more pragmatic and cautious and being cautious prevents me from developing those swooney feelings.

 

 

Guys that act like that at the start may be a red flag, but what about a guy that starts acting like that after a month or two? You may have to give the more pragmatic men a chance to get to know you before you see that side of him. And then it's more meaningful, because it is in response to his feelings for you, not just his standard seduction technique.

[mario_C]

Getting back to people who stay in relationships forever even though they are settling, my take:

They just don't care about it.

That has to be the primary reason. They don't see a relationship as this miraculous event, this overwhelming trauma and rebirth of the heart and soul we've built it up to be (or imagine it to be in our fantasies). Almost all people get their "life partner" in high school, and they get married, have 2.4 kids and buy the house, and end up bitter bickering wage slaves the rest of their lives. It's like their careers - people are instructed by mommy+daddy that they're going to major in business or medicine or finance in high school, and they don't have the resources to argue and they don't care. They just follow their nose through life and somehow end up on top.

And this is why in middle age, men buy ugly overpriced cars and women buy romance novels by the pound. They have heart attacks, quit and open a diner in the woods, or run away with a teenager.

Moral of the story: settling is bad for your health. But it happens.

 

Another theory is they have no standards. You see some of these people when they get married, and you say wow! How do you get down on a knee and propose to her?! And why does she say Yes?!

 

So, don't take it too seriously, is what I'm trying to say....

[Weezy1973]

It's pretty easy to stay single and say you'll never settle. Honestly, if you make a choice about nearly anything, you'll be settling on something!

 

Even choosing to be in a relationship itself means you're giving up some of your freedom. Does that mean you're settling?

 

If you don't feel like cooking, but also don't want to order something in because you're low on money. What do you do? Either way you're going to settle.

 

The only way you never settle in life is by never making a choice. And honestly, there are many people that are terrified to make a choice, so they just spin their wheels, never really getting anywhere.

 

If you notice, the vast majority of the people in this thread advocating the 'never settle' mentality are also single. If you want to be in a relationship, you will definitely be settling on some things - and guess what - so will your partner!