Weekends in the life of an OW

[debs]

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Sorry but all the major holidays and the days the wifey is off and in his company will have him occupied!

 

So you will have to quit beating yourself up about it and whining and DO SOMETHING!!!!!!Either accept it or get out of it!

 

Sorry I have little if no empathy for those who chose this life style there are way to many people who want a loving caring relationship who are single in this world!

 

Seek and you shall find one for yourself! Being alone is not the end of the world. it can be an adventure of gigantic magnitude! It is all mind over matter and mind over your heart!

[KissMyTiara]

For the record, everyone, it's been the same MM since May. I have tried to break it off with him once, but I was unsuccessful. "Falling off the wagon" didn't mean that I'm with a new MM#2, just back to the same MM.

 

And for NOW, yes, it is all worth it. Every tear, every lonely night...because the time spent with him laughing and being together makes up for it 100x over. Can YOU say that about YOUR relationship?

 

Yes, perhaps I am crazy for loving a man who is married. Yes, I COULD find a single man...I have everything going for me. But my MM is what I want right now. He is who I want, right now. He gives me everything I want, right now (granted, down the road, when I want something more susbstantial (ring, house, picket fence, joint retirement accounts, I will have a huge problem if I am still in this thing). He is who makes me happier than any other, right now. I miss him on weekends the way others miss their loved ones when they are on business trips or on tour in Iraq.

 

Call me immoral, a whore, a sinner, etc., it's not going to affect me. Only his absence will.

[rtobiejr]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

 

And for NOW, yes, it is all worth it. Every tear, every lonely night...because the time spent with him laughing and being together makes up for it 100x over. Can YOU say that about YOUR relationship?

 

Yes, perhaps I am crazy for loving a man who is married. Yes, I COULD find a single man...I have everything going for me. But my MM is what I want right now. He is who I want, right now. He gives me everything I want, right now (granted, down the road, when I want something more susbstantial (ring, house, picket fence, joint retirement accounts, I will have a huge problem if I am still in this thing). He is who makes me happier than any other, right now. I miss him on weekends the way others miss their loved ones when they are on business trips or on tour in Iraq.

 

Call me immoral, a whore, a sinner, etc., it's not going to affect me. Only his absence will.

 

So if this is all true-- that you have all you want with mr. married man, why are you upset about not having him on weekends? you're happy then, no? i mean, if you could find a single man, but dont want to, that means you are happy where you are and everyone here should leave you alone...

[whichwayisup]

We all make mistakes, some worse than others, doesn't make anybody a "BAD" person! Sometimes you can't control who you fall inlove with...It's even harder when the other person is already taken.

 

She will know when the time comes she may have to walk away...Or not. In the end it is her choice, her decision and all advice should be welcomed, good and bad...It is just the personal attacks that go on is what everyone doesn't like. I know when I first came here, I had to grow a tough skin as some wrote things I didn't want to read but hey, take it with a grain of salt. It is so hard to be objective in any situation when you're in the middle of it.

 

I think my original advice was keep busy and do things that make you happy. Enjoy time on your own and be happy.

 

Happy Holidays everyone!

[immoralist]

God will judge her, not I.

 

One can only hope.

 

And kmt, have a Merry Christmas, my friend.

 

Peace.

[Leaf]

Yikes!

 

Keep your heads up girls... I know how you are feeling and only we that have been there can really ever understand. I was just with my MM.. he told me his christmas wish was to be with me... We'll see.. but there is always hope. I have found that you cant put people in boxes. EVERY Relationship is different, EVERY person is different.

 

..and before you even ask.. I slept with him... and ya know what.. it was awesome.

[Patiently waiting]

omg, you guys (and girls) are really going at it this time! I was ducking for cover after each post!

 

As for the "question" at hand.....

 

The weekends are sometimes difficult for me as well, and like kmt, I have "fallen off the wagon". But lately I just somehow have started accepting "the way it is". I know my MM is not leaving his wife, but even so I still choose to be with him when it is possible. I tried being without him and realized I was even worse off in that situation. He is a part of my life.... my mentor, my friend, my lover, and my confidante. And although he may not always be there for me in person, he is always there in spirit.

 

I have been separated from my H for nearly 6 months now and am finally starting to get myself back together from what has been the craziest year of my life. I am getting over the "need" to have a man around and focusing on myself and my children now. I do think of my MM often on the weekends, but now I do so with a smile, thinking of the good times we have together when opportunity affords itself. I do also date other guys, but not in a serious way, I am just trying to take things as they come. If the right guy comes along, that's great. If he never does, that's ok too. I think that with my busy life I would probably not be able to give enough to a relationship right now anyway.

 

My MM knows I do date, I am very open about it. However he doesn't really want to know if I am sleeping with anyone else, it's kinda a don't ask, don't tell situation. I have also resolved not to question his relationship with his wife. Knowing either way how he feels about her is just not a good idea. He did tell me he bought her some rock climbing gear for x-mas (I asked), said they were gonna start trying to do things together and since they have 3 boys, when they get old enough they will have a family activity to do (the boys are only 1 1/2 (twins) and 3 right now, so of course my heart kinda sank when he told me of this long term activity goal.....just another reminder that he has no intention of ever leaving her. I shouldn't have asked, but at least he is honest with me. He does not give me any false hope now. He says he loves me (on occasion), but I believe it is more of a "friendship love". We feel close to each other and even though we still have sex, the dynamics have changed between us. It has sorta evolved into a "friendship with benefits" relationship now. I still love him, but no longer dream of the day we will ultimately be together. I have given that dream up.

 

KMT~ I feel for you, I know you wouldn't choose to be in love with him if you weren't already.....keep your spirits up, keep doing what you need to for yourself, think about him as often as you need and want to, just do it with a smile knowing that he's thinking about you too......I know he is........

 

 

As I had mentioned in another post, I am leaving my job of 14 years to pursue personal and career advancement. It will be a good fresh start for me! My MM will still meet me for lunch as our jobs are still fairly close together, just not in the same building anymore.

 

And for x-mas I bought my kids some bikes, I'm gonna start rollerblading again now while they learn to ride. Also going to teach them to ice skate (bought them gloves and hats too!).

 

As for the weekends, I rarely see him, but that's ok now. I have made my peace with it. We are going to Vegas in April for the weekend to a convention as we did last year, I am looking forward to having a great time!

 

Tomorrow however.......I AM GOING SHOPPING!!! Gotta buy some new suits and shoes for my new job! Here I come world! Look out!

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Patiently waiting

I tried being without him and realized I was even worse off in that situation. He is a part of my life.... my mentor, my friend, my lover, and my confidante. And although he may not always be there for me in person, he is always there in spirit.

 

 

FINALLY, someone who gets it!!

 

Good luck in your new job!

[whichwayisup]

He does not give me any false hope now. He says he loves me (on occasion), but I believe it is more of a "friendship love". We feel close to each other and even though we still have sex, the dynamics have changed between us. It has sorta evolved into a "friendship with benefits" relationship now. I still love him, but no longer dream of the day we will ultimately be together. I have given that dream up.

 

That right there is a very healthy way of coping and it is wonderful that you got to this point. It is acceptance of the situation, more realistic and the fact you are busy, have other things going on, dating casually and having some fun as well, he isn't the be all end all in your life anymore...It seems you are happier now and that is good.

[Patiently waiting]

Last night my MM brought me my x-mas gift (he had been with his family in OC over the holiday). It was a DVD player. (he also got me "Wild at Heart", David Lynch film, my fav. movie of all time) Very cool! Coincidentally.....my ex bought me a DVD player too! (for the kids I am guessing). I felt so bad when my MM gave me his gift since I had already told him what my ex had given me 2 days prior. He said not to worry about it, that he would return it and get me something else. I told him that I would really love to have a digital camera since I don't have one yet. I can't wait to get it, think he may be getting it today!

 

So......even better........my MM told me last night that he hoped it was ok if he stayed the whole night! I was like "yeah"! "of course it's ok"! I asked him how he managed to work that out. Then it came to me......I said..."Oh, your wife and kids are still at your parents house, but you had to come back cause you work tomorrow (Mon)!" He smiled and said "yes, and I hope it's ok if I spend the rest of the week with you!" OMG, I am so elated!!! We are "playing" house! It's the best xmas gift ever! He goes back up this Friday to spend New Year's in OC, then brings the family home on Sunday.

 

He told me his wife loved the rock climbing gear (he did not get any for himself, said he didn't know who she would go climbing with, but it's not gonna be him). Oh, and no "affairs" on her part.....I know this for a fact. She has always been independent when it comes to activities. She used to go hiking for weeks at a time with friends before she had kids. She got him a wetsuit (he is an avid diver), and also wants to send him diving for a couple weeks in some foreign country (the name escapes me). I find it so odd that she would not want to do something WITH HIM. They are a strange duo.....

 

I also find it quite bizarre that she had no qualms about letting him come home for the week by himself, knowing that I "exist" in some fashion. I know she can't be THAT naive! Could it be that she, like me, has learned to accept their relationship for what it is? He is very responsible and attentive to his children and he rarely contacts or sees me on the weekends or after work. Either she believes him (or chooses to) that we are just friends or she just doesn't care or has given up caring as long as he stays with her for the children's sake, family appearances, and financial reasons. I don't know....but if I were in her situation, I would have come home with him just to be sure he was at home!

 

I must admit....it was wonderful to wake up with him this morning.......! We had an awesome night together, it's like being on a honeymoon! And although I know it will have to end in a few days I am enjoying our time together to the fullest extent. I made a great dinner for us last night, we drank tequila and yes, had amazing sex! Tonight.....I am trying to think of what to make for dinner! He suggested to just order pizza but I want to do better than that! He tells me I am so nice to him and how much he appreciates it, which of course just makes me want to do even more!

 

Alas, we will not be together on New Year's eve, but such is life.......

Until then, I am cherishing the time we have together this week !

 

P.S. KMT~ we should hang out!!! Thx for the good wishes in my new job !

 

P.S. Which Way Is Up~ yes, finally seeing my way out of the "fog". From what I'm told, I am recovering quite rapidly from what has been one helluva ride since May (separation from stbex H) of this year...... Thank you for your nice comments!

[Patiently waiting]

Originally posted by Squid Jigger

Easy ladies. You'll have your time with your man when his other priorities are taken care of. And don't think he's having a wonderful time with the wife and kiddies. He is thinking of you all the time. Trust me.

 

He's feeling major anxiety and guilt too. And chances are you are much more attractive and sexier than his wife too so physically it's no picnic there either.

 

Go buy yourself some nasty little panties and a bra that lets your nipples hang out and get ready for some great sex. Soon. No, I don't know when. But when he gets a chance. Baby, you know I mean it.

 

 

For some strange reason I find this extremely erotic....... I am going to Frederick's today to buy something very hot! I am one sick chick!!

[spunky1]

I've been w/my MM for almost 10 months now. Everyday I struggle with myself and tell myself that I deserve so much better and need to end things. (We started seeing each other right after my husband and I split up

because he had an OW). I, too, have heard all the "lines" (excuses) that go along with the relationship. But,

still, I find it hard to give everything up.

 

Anyways, I usually don't spend the weekends w/my MM....except for a few weekends when he was away for

business and I joined him. In fact, I didn't get to spend XMas Eve or XMas Day with him. He already

"had plans" to spend them with his in-laws (it was "for them, not her"). I did "get" New Year's Eve because he

said he had to work...we spent it at my house watching DVD's instead of going out like I wanted to. Needless to say, weekends usually suck! If I find things to do, I feel like he's constantly checking up on me.

 

Of course, he tells me he's with his W only because he doesn't want to "waste" $ on rent and would rather move in with me and give it to me. I've called him on this before and said "ok, move in", but he always had some excuse.

 

I recently found out that at least 3 different weekends when he said he was doing "stuff" around the house

that he was actually on "weekend getaways" with her! He claims it was so he could spend time w/their friends or relatives who also went and not with her. The one time he spent the night, I later discovered it was because his W went out of town to Lake Tahoe and he joined her the next morning. I straight out called him on his lying to me.

Ok, so my point being,

my weekends suck even more because I don't believe him. A friend once told me that "unhappily married men

don't go on weekend getaways with their wives". (especially when they're claiming to be trying to save money

so they can leave)

 

I kick myself in the butt over and over again.....Why do I stay??

[KissMyTiara]

When I ask my MM what he's doing on the weekend, sometimes he gives me specifics (like a Christmas party at so-and-so's on this day, a football game on this day), but the other 90% of the time he usually just comes back with the response, "oh, you know, I just have a lot of **** to do/stuff to take care of..."

 

What on earth is the "**** to do/stuff to take care of"?

 

He has a nanny.

He has a housekeeper/maid.

He has a gardener.

He has someone come to his house to wash the cars.

He has an accountant to take care of his bills/finances.

He has a bugcontrol guy.

The only thing he's missing (in terms of daily life and chores) is a personal chef - he's the primary cook in the house.

 

So, what could his "**** to do" be?! What?!

[reservoirdog1]

What do you expect? He's no doubt vague, elusive and deceptive with his wife too. Why should he be any different with you?

 

He chooses to deny his accountability to her. You're fooling yourself if you think he's going to make himself accountable to you.

[KissMyTiara]

I'm not looking for accountability, and I never ask for an explanation or press him on what he means.

 

I am asking what it is that he is doing, what are the sorts of things that involve "stuff to do" on the weekends? I am not married with 3 kids, so I don't know what the "stuff" really involves.

[Leaf]

I know what you mean KMT... I always wonder what MM is doing it sucks to know and it sucks not knowing.

[midori]

Hi all,

 

I've read through this thread and found many posts that were not helpful, and which dragged the discussion off-topic as various members debated others' motives for posting and the parameters of what constitutes helpful posting.

 

It's not an easy distinction to make, and I'm not entirely satisfied that I cut out everything that I should have, or that I left intact everything that should have remained. But I think it's much improved. My apologies to the members who took the time to respond to the unhelpful posts and labored to keep the discussion focused on its topic; many of your posts responding to the unhelpful posts have been deleted, as they are no longer relevant to the thread.

 

Folks: if you're not posting in a helpful spirit, and if you're unwilling to note the reception your advice receives, and then respond accordingly, your posts will soon become redundant and irrelevant to the discussion.

[midori]

Your post has been moved to a more relevant discussion thread, here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=382276#post382276

[KissMyTiara]

So....can anyone out there tell me what the "stuff" is?

[debs]

KMT the stuff may not necessarily be anything.

 

Did you ever think he is busy because he doesn't want to hear the wife bi**?

He maybe watching football or has obligations (family wise) and cannot get free?

He maybe taking short "vacation" from you?

 

I have been the wife in this scenario and know what the other stuff is!

And it sure wasn't not hopping in bed with me either!

 

I can see both sides of this life you have and I wouldn't for the life of me ever want to be in either shoes ever again! Thus now I am divorced!

 

But sitting posting wondering what he is doing is serving you no purpose it is just making you more angrier!

 

Only the married man has these answers and his wife.

[KissMyTiara]

Do you feel it really necessary to remind me that MM sleeps in the same bed as his W?

 

I was looking for an understanding as to what the "stuff" is that he has to do, but your response wasn't so much informative as hurtful. He needs a "vacation" from me? Yikes.

[whichwayisup]

One never really knows what goes on behind closed doors...And I mean just life in general, not meaning bedroom stuff.

 

Neighbours, friends drop by, family members, watching TV, paying bills, napping, cleaning, doing other household chores etc...Don't always assume outta sight outta mind...Just busy.

 

Hope this helps abit...

[debs]

KMT

I do not intend it to be hurtful but being in an A is hurtful due to which way is up?

Does he stay as is or does he divorce his wife, some say it doesn't happen, I am a stastick it does happen!

 

Unfortunately the realities of being in an A hurt and hurt badly!

No I do not feel your a bad person. I know most enter A due to missing something in the present relationship!

 

But when one is loving 2 don't you wonder where all the energy comes from? Yikes no thank you and I do wish you well in this with coming to terms what his other stuffs are!!!

 

As I have found I have to be #1 in someone's life, being seconds with all the baggage is hurtful enough!

 

I have been in your shoes many years ago and have been on the receiving end in the past year. Either way it hurts!

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

One never really knows what goes on behind closed doors...And I mean just life in general, not meaning bedroom stuff.

 

Neighbours, friends drop by, family members, watching TV, paying bills, napping, cleaning, doing other household chores etc...Don't always assume outta sight outta mind...Just busy.

 

Hope this helps abit...

 

 

WWIU - Thanks, but...

 

No, no, I know "life in general" creeps up...but did you see what I wrote above, about him having a nanny, a housekeeper, gardener, accountant, etc.? I know, as a single girl living the single life with a roommate, I know what that "stuff" is - for me. For me, it's laundry, paying bills, cleaning, chores, grocery shopping, etc.

 

But see, he has NONE of those responsibilities, and neither does his wife. They go to work and come home to a perfect house (meaning perfectly clean and taken care of). He's told me on numerous occasions that he rushes home from work to relieve the nanny so that he can make dinner, bathe the kids, and read to them to put them to sleep (he's in bed himself no later than 930/10). That's all he's "responsible" for - that's all THEY are responsible for. I know that they DO have neighbors over a lot, or she holds PTA meetings (or the like) at their house... Soooo, I just can't figure it out.

 

When there is something specific, a birthday party for his brother, a basketball game, a concert, supercross, whatever, he tells me about it. When it's just "stuff," it's nothing specific.

 

I guess I'm just dying of curiosity, really.

[Mr Spock]

I feel such a sense of hopelessness reading your posts KMT. I retract my original opinion of you not telling his wife. Please, do whatEVER you need to do to free yourself-and maybe I'll find the strength to do the same. All the obessing about minute details, the analyzing, the comforting we do is meaningless-it means nothing. When it all boils down to it, if they were so into us they'd leave-without cajoling. Perhaps it's PMS but Saturday and Sunday have sucked......