ConfusedInOC Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 Originally posted by joodee You know, my situation is kinda weird, quite the opposite. My MM doesn't live with his wife (hasn't for several years), I get the weekends, most holidays, most nights, in fact, if I said, honey, I want you to spend all your time with me, he would probably do that in a heartbeat. But he still hans't filed for divorce...still insisting it's all financial...now I think he won't let go emotional, or whatever... I say most holidays cause he just left by himself (I dropped him off at the airport) to see his mom back east for Christmas, and I am picking him up on the 26th. He said he would call from there, but so far just e-mails....I suspect he doesn't want to tell his mom about me, and that's why he won't call, cause he will be heard on the phone... I used to call him separated, but that to me is b**l, I feel more and more like the OW. Like KMT, I have broken up with him several times, then I fall off the wagon. If he didn't spend weekends and most nights and holidays with me, I would have been gone. That would be extremely painful, I understand how bad you all must feel. Yet, even though I get alot of the "premium time", I still feel like I am getting crumbs. For what all that was worth.... Even in this situation, at what point do you tell yourself that you're worth 100% of someone's time instead of 50% or less? The OM/OW is getting 200% attention and you're getting a LOT, LOT less....
Moose Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 The OM/OW is getting 200% attention and you're getting a LOT, LOT less I think you meant the MM/MW...........
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Owl I can't imagine what it must be like for you all, knowing that you just get a portion of that person's life. LOL...at least us betrayed spouses are left in the dark about it for the most part...we know something is missing, but we are, for that period of time, unaware of the lies and dual nature of our wandering spouses. What must it be like for the OW/OM to KNOW about those lies, and still go on about your life like your relationship with this person is normal when they're with you, and act like that relationship doesn't exist when they're not? I don't know, YOU tell me, OWL, you pathetic little whiner... How do YOU go on with YOUR life knowing that YOUR spouse cheated on YOU, and knowing that YOUR spouse knows that YOU know and that YOU are willing to stay?!? That YOU only got/get a portion of YOUR W's life?! How YOU, the betrayed but knowing spouse, go on everyday is the same way we OW/OM get by. KNOWING is better than not.
ConfusedInOC Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Moose I think you meant the MM/MW........... I did, sorry. The MM/MW get's twice the attention. The OM/OW get's 50% (or less). Seems a little unfair, don't you agree? The pain and heartache caused by extra-marital affairs is not by accident. It's by design to teach people the ill-effects of engaging in such behavior.
SoleMate Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 As far as helpful hints for the weekends, I'd crank up the music and clean out my fridge/dresser/attic/basement/linen closet/or hall closet. My place would be sparkling. And I'd go and work out, and get really buff, preferably by kickboxing and weightlifting. The power moves are even better for your psyche than they are for your body. Then there are long walks up in the hills, by myself usually. Or take a neighbor's dog along. Then I'd probably get involved in some volunteer work, preferably helping people 1:1. I've worked in adult literacy and hospital programs in the past - maybe something with children next? When it's rainy, time to pull out all those shoeboxes full of photos and make them into polished albums. One can add little written blurbs about each photo and the people in it. Then surf on over to http://www.wikipedia.org and contribute to the open source encyclopedia. Browsing through flea markets - concerts, plays - getting to see all the local tourist sites that you usually skip when you live in a place. Clubs: alumni, political, social, chess, swing dancing. Lectures at a nearby university. Practice a former musical instrument, or learn a new one. Take cooking classes, photography, art, history, financial planning, or feng shui. Churches are always looking for volunteers. KMT, I've heard enough of your life to feel real sympathy with you. So I hope you don't mind me speaking to you as a friend, and letting you know that I think you deserve better. I think you deserve a man who will happily and proudly spend the weekends with you. Who will say, "I'm so glad you called, it's great to hear your voice" instead of "Why did you call when I asked you (told you?) not to?" My vision is that you will drift away from your MM, as you come to gradual realization of his flawed character, and open yourself up to finding a real man. No offense to your MM. I'm sure he has his good points or you wouldn't be interested in him. But to me, your MM is a snot-nosed little boy sneaking up to the cookie jar, cowering in fear that Mommy will come along and slap his hand for being where it shouldn't. A real man lets the whole world know who his ONE woman is. IMO. I know it's hard. And I understand the pain of loneliness, perhaps more than many.
joodee Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 No offense to your MM. I'm sure he has his good points or you wouldn't be interested in him. But to me, your MM is a snot-nosed little boy sneaking up to the cookie jar, cowering in fear that Mommy will come along and slap his hand for being where it shouldn't. A real man lets the whole world know who his ONE woman is. IMO. I know it's hard. And I understand the pain of loneliness, perhaps more than many. Solemate, were you refering to my post to this post? I was cracking up, with that line "...in fear that Mommy will come along..." Brought a little light to the situation. Yes, a real man wants the world to know who his woman is. Darn right.
immoralist Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 kmt, there comes a time in most affairs where love, lust and lunacy are not enough. The affair partners sober up, the inevitable hormonal crash occurs and the now sober lovers scratch their respective scalps and ask themselves, "What the fu#k was I thinking!?" You're not there yet, but you're getting there. The state of post-affair sobriety is heading your way. The fact that you're even thinking about ultimatums tells me that your love addiction may have peaked, and you're coming down from your long strange trip. Still, it may well be many months before you wean yourself from your MM drug. As time goes by, you'll resent your MM more and more as he persists in straddling the fence--something all MMs do so well. He'll continue to play you with great gifts, hot sex and emotional connectivity. All the while, especially when he's not with you, your doubts, regrets and frustrations will increase. These affair regrets will be felt most acutely when your MM is physically absent and over the holidays, where he enjoys the comforts of home, hearth, family and spouse, and you sit at home alternately wringing your hands and pounding the keyboard: All in a largely unsuccessful attempt to assuage the loneliness and emptiness that we all feel when we love someone who is absent all day. Happy Holidays, my friend. PM me whenever you want.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate KMT, I've heard enough of your life to feel real sympathy with you. So I hope you don't mind me speaking to you as a friend, and letting you know that I think you deserve better. I think you deserve a man who will happily and proudly spend the weekends with you. Who will say, "I'm so glad you called, it's great to hear your voice" instead of "Why did you call when I asked you (told you?) not to?" My vision is that you will drift away from your MM, as you come to gradual realization of his flawed character, and open yourself up to finding a real man. SoleMate, Thank you for your comment. I know I deserve better. I do, I really do. I also know I deserve a brand new SL 55, a new pad in Beverly Hills, and a 3 week vacation to Bali. But all of that would require too much of me right now, so I'm pretty darn content with what I've got. Ok, I should have put more detail in the "lecture" comment. MM lectured me one time, one weekend where I called him like 3 times (LATE at night, bad girl) about a little escapade we were supposed to have on Sunday evening. I don't know what I was thinking when I called, because he lectured me by saying "I told YOU I would call YOU, so why are you calling ME?" and quite frankly, he did it in a teasing way, not a real lecturing way. I just call it that to rub it in his face sometimes. Truth is, he does say he's glad to hear from me, even if we spoke only hours earlier. I am TRYING to be mad at him. It's hard.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by immoralist ...All in a largely unsuccessful attempt to assuage the loneliness and emptiness that we all feel when we love someone who is absent all day. I don't feel empty, I've got too much other stuff going on. And I'm not lonely either. I just miss him terribly when I can't see him or speak to him whenever I want - just those two damn days!
Karlise13 Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 You're choosing this loneliness, sweetie. You've chosen it because somehow, the pain must feel familiar or right to you. I know people who are cutters, who slice their own arms open because 'it's the only thing that helps me feel alive' If pain is the only feeling you trust will last, perhaps you will choose it keep 'feeling alive' We all need to feel alive. We all yearn for creative expression, for someone to tell us we're special and loved, for security and stimulation. If creative expression does not get released in via project of some sort (career, parenting, art) perhaps a completely enveloping romantic drama will fit the bill. If we don't really believe we're special, we'll take a half-assed (don't call me on weekends but you're really special to me) version. If we don't think comfort and kindness can be counted on, we'll take the pain. At least it's reliable. And if we are bored, unstimulated, stuck, in a rut, frustrated....well a difficult affair is a most excellent distraction. Hey, it's like being in your very own complete-with-all-the-scheming-and-hairpin-turn-almost-didn't-get-away-with-it Grand Epic Movie Adventure! Complete with soundtrack. I've read your posts KMT and I think you're an intelligent person. You CAN do better. I recommend reading James O Prochaska's book "Changing for Good". It's about why we fail so often when we try to change destructive behavior. It gives some good advice on how to really make positive changes.
Mr Spock Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Whatever you choose to do, don't fill the hole (physically or metaphorically) with another unavailable guy........
Owl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I don't know, YOU tell me, OWL, you pathetic little whiner... How do YOU go on with YOUR life knowing that YOUR spouse cheated on YOU, and knowing that YOUR spouse knows that YOU know and that YOU are willing to stay?!? That YOU only got/get a portion of YOUR W's life?! How YOU, the betrayed but knowing spouse, go on everyday is the same way we OW/OM get by. KNOWING is better than not. ROFLMAO...wow...told you we didn't get along!!! Sounds to me like you deserve your self-imposed misery as well. Have fun while he's at home with his wife where he belongs.
Owl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 KMT- You can dislike me all you like...in truth, that bothers me not one little bit. But think about this...YOU put yourself in the position you are in right now. The spouses who have had their SO's wander on them may have CONTRIBUTED to that happening...but they didn't make the choice to hurt themselves like this. YOU made the choice to get involved with a MM, KMT. Get angry at me if you like...but own up to the fact that YOU are the one WHINING about how you can't have him for two days...when it was your choice to get involved in this whole farce to begin with. At least I made the choice to try to SAVE a relationship...not make someone else's relationship worse because of my own need and greed... You're getting a lot of sympathy from others here...I'll leave you to wallow in that then. Enjoy!
Leaf Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 I think it is really easy for the Spouses to hate us, with every fiber of their being. I understand that. They dont care what we go through, I know if I were on that side, I wouldnt care and I would hate me. What I dont understand is why you all would stay with someone who wanted to be with someone else and the only reason they have "stopped" the other relationship is because they got caught. What keeps them home is fear. Fear of being alone in the end... they know you arent going to leave them.. Fear of public scorn, family disappointment, fear of moving.. I think that fear is a tremendous factor in all that we all go through, on both sides.
Owl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 The truth is Leaf...I am one of those spouses, and I DON'T hate YOU. Or KMT, or anyone else on this board. I DO hate the guy my wife got involved with...but I don't know you or anyone else here enough to hate you...nor have any of you done anything personally against me worse than a few unkind words. I do often wish it was possible for a lot of the OM/OW to recognize the damage that us BS's suffer from the whole affair thing...but in truth, neither the MM/MW nor the OM/OW can really see that while the affair is going on...because the glamour, excitement, etc... of the affair blinds them to everything else. You don't understand why we would stay with someone who cheated on us...and we don't understand why you would want someone who is ALREADY in a committed relationship. Somone who can NEVER be truly yours while we're still in the picture. And I don't think its just fear that keeps them home...remember, they really DID/DO love us...and did long before they met the OM/OW. You would be amazed at how quick someone's feelings can swing back to the person who showed them TRUE love by trying to work out the relationship despite the pain and hurt...the person who didn't stop loving them even when the truth DOES come out. Once the "in love" feelings of the affair are over, the excitment of being pursued by someone, etc...that long term love is usually still there. It was just hidden by the blinders that the affair put on the wandering spouse. Not always, but often enough that we do stand a fighting chance at re-building our marriages.
Leaf Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Even when they had a long-term affair? A one-night stand I can understand.. but some of these relationships have lasted for years and years.. (not sure about yours)
Owl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 My wife's affair wasn't long term...I caught them early in it. It had lasted about six weeks or so when I discovered the truth of what was going on. I can imagine that its a lot harder to deal with something that happened repeatedly, or for an extended length of time, but having not been there, I really can't speak on it.
hotgurl Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 kmt, I can understand kinda what you are going through. I am not a ow but early in my relationship with my bf we didn't spend the weekends together because I was not ready for him to meet my daughter and he could get his guy time. we talked on the phone but god it was hard. At least I had my daughter to keep me company but it's not the same. When don't you take up a hobby, take a yoga class. learn a second language paint. take a class in something you've always wanted to learn but didn't have time for. Have brunch with he gals. Here were have dance classes tango ect.. and some are for singles so you don't need a partner. Maybe you'll meet a hot new guy who totally blows you mm away while you're being incredibly sexy speaking Spanish and doing the tango
ConfusedInOC Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I don't feel empty, I've got too much other stuff going on. And I'm not lonely either. I just miss him terribly when I can't see him or speak to him whenever I want - just those two damn days! If you can't make him fall to one side of the fence or the other, why are you wasting your time with him? I don't get it. There's no possible better way of saying you're not the most important thing to me than not giving someone 100% of their time and effort. He's doing that to you. Go find a SINGLE guy that would appreciate you. And yes, I know it's easier said than done, but lick your wounds, learn from this experience and move on. You're just going to continue to bash your head against the wall complaining about those two days you don't get his attention...while he's having his cake and eating it too. Like I said, the fallout you have now is God's way of proving adultery is wrong...
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Like I said, the fallout you have now is God's way of proving adultery is wrong... Your comments about God, as far as I am concerned, will forever fall on deaf ears. Quit it.
ConfusedInOC Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Your comments about God, as far as I am concerned, will forever fall on deaf ears. Quit it. No, I won't. You're reaping what you sow right now. You might want to play it off as though God has nothing to do with it. I don't care if you are athiest or agnostic or whatever, the proof is what is happening right now. Go find a single man...lest you wish to live the rest of your life of fallacy where you're nothing more than a MM's play toy. I think it's ridculous for you to whine about not getting the time you feel you deserve with a MM. The irony is laughable at best. The punishment, just.
Leaf Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Thats pretty harsh dude, chill. Judge lest ye be judged.
ConfusedInOC Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Leaf Thats pretty harsh dude, chill. Judge lest ye be judged. Don't post if all you want is sympathy. Not all of us see things the same way.
izzybelle Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 ok....so following the line of thought that you presented.... if she's getting what she deserves for her relationship with an MM why do people get hurt in relationships that don't involve affairs? and why do people get cancer? and why do other bad things happen? never had much use for that sense of logic. and you know....that's one of those guilt things that ticks me off. my ex inlaws push it with my kids and to what end? my daughter was convinced this summer that her pets had died because she swore and god was punishing her. sorry, if i believe in god....he's a whole lot nicer than the one you believe in! and since it's KMT's thread....if the comments on god punishing her aren't going to change things....there's not much point in you trying to push that side!
Leaf Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Don't post if all you want is sympathy. Not all of us see things the same way. Sympathy has nothing to do with this. You can have your opinions, all I said was to chill a bit. Dont instigate and push people. People in here are hurting on all sides, thats why they came here.
Recommended Posts