Contact WAS working- so what now- is there ever a time NC doesn't work?

[Wolfgirl6]

I will try my best to keep this short- I need some support and advice. Gist: if someone has lingering abandonment issues from the past and they've responded to your contact already in a positive way because no one has ever bothered to "fight" for them before, do you think it's possible there can be an exception to the NC rule? That it just doesn't work for certain personalities?

 

My boyfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We’re not super young or inexperienced- both divorced, in our early 40s, each with kids. Not the first relationship after marriage for either of us, both divorces about 3 years ago.

 

We were only together for 6 months but (and yes, I'm sure you've heard this before...) it felt more like a couple years. He started off a little faster than I was ready for, initially. But I fell in love with him, and - initiated always by him- we had discussed *eventually* getting married and a future together. He was always the one who brought these things up at first, which is important to the story. And - although none of you know me, trust me when I say that I do not take risks or lose my heart to people easily. I'm not a Pollyanna and didn't really believe in soulmates til I met him. I sense you're all advocates of NC, but my goal is to try my best to get him back, or to know that I did everything in my power to strive for that- and not have any regrets left.

 

Background: I noticed (and discussed with my therapist, etc) that from a few months into the relationship, he overreacted at a few things I did (e.g., wanting space - I need alone time). From his description of his marriage, I suspected that he was still grappling with issues from her- and although he'd worked on them a lot and it was years in the past- that it was kind of emerging with me for some reason. I brought this up with him and he discussed in therapy and they concluded that yes, he was having issues resurface that he'd not completely dealt with, and that the reason they were coming up now was because he was finally with someone safe enough (me) for him to address them. Which I was ready to hang in for.

 

But overall, things were great. I've never let my 6-year old get close to any man since my divorce, until him. After a few months, he was the one who initiated bringing our kids together and we did things as a family. He loves my daughter and has been wonderful with her. And I would never have done this had we not talked about a serious future together (again, please try to put aside the 6 months- at the risk of sounding trite, we developed a very deep relationship during that time.) He didn't seem unable to commit- it was me who was slower and more cautious – he was all in from Day 1… and it never ever slowed down. People were shocked he broke things off because he demonstrated over and over, in actions and words, how in love with me he was... Pretty much right up until the end.

 

We'd had a few discussions of things he was frustrated about- but it was like he just lost it one day after I'd been out of town (he always had a hard time with not seeing me for multiple days in a row) and decided that he couldn't deal with the (relatively small) issues. He sounded angry- and it literally came out of the blue. His initial reason for breaking up with me was that I wasn't doing enough driving and taking care of meals. We live 45 min away and he'd always told me it was no big deal that he mostly drove to me and he always was offering to figure out dinner, and I let him. So I screwed up by not being more sensitive, but admitted that and was willing to take on more of an equal share. But it didn't seem to be something to break up over. No, I am as certain as I can be that there is not someone else, btw.

 

After a week, he wanted to talk. We had a few phone conversations over a couple weeks and finally saw each other. He admitted to some long-standing stuff that obviously was contributing to his (what I now realized) deep fear around our relationship. He told me his missed me and loved me and the fact that he'd "gone dark" and was not acting emotional was his attempt at protecting himself (he's a very emotional guy- more like a girl, actually - which has its good and bad sides).

 

I gave him space to talk to his family, his friends, his therapist, all of whom had either met or heard about me for the past 6 months and questioned what the hell was wrong with him when he'd been so happy with me? He initiated conversations like "what if we tried again- should we go to counselling? How do we let go of the hurt?" etc. He mentioned again how he still saw us having a future together, how much he misses getting our kids together for dinner every Sunday night. I suggested counselling, pointed out some communication work we needed, said how I would step up on the things he was bothered by. I got my hopes up several times because of the way he was talking- but twice he told me abruptly "I can't do this". He admitted finally that he was terrified, that he couldn't "fail again" (his divorce) and that he knew his fears had much more to do with him and his past than me. That he'd ignored warning signs with his ex and almost been destroyed by that. I encouraged him to see his therapist and talk about this, and since he was maintaining contact and I felt hope, maybe once a week I'd send him an email with memories of our time together, etc. Then he'd want to see me. And he was ok with me seeing his kids again (I suggested not, but he insisted, which made me think he was serious about getting back together- otherwise, why involve the kids?) The things he was saying and doing swung back and forth, like he was fighting with himself and his past. I didn't beg or plead- but I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. In my (only a few) emails, I just quietly showed up and told him I wasn't ready to give up), and he responded. He (has abandonment issues) said no one had ever "fought for him" like that, ever. That I'd made him feel he could be more than he ever thought, etc. But he was still scared.

 

Since his relationship fears have resurfaced since I came into the picture, I feel like I’m being punished for them. He admits he will probably regret ending things with me. I’ve got enough experience to know that no one is perfect. You choose someone you love being with and are good friends with, despite their imperfections (which you decide ahead of time you can work with or accept) and then you go to work- together- to keep it good and improve it. HOW CAN HE NOT GRAB ONTO WHAT WE HAVE LIKE I’M READY TO??? Since he admits I’m so good for him….?

 

The only other clue that I have, other than him admitting he's getting in his own way, is that he told me that he has had a problem seeing me hurt- that when I've gotten down about something, he wanted to fix it so badly that he felt like he got dragged down too, and that was a place he didn't want to go- former depression, etc. Then he told me that I'm a "glass half empty" person (not true, although he did meet me during what has proven to be a challenging year personally--). I pointed out that all of us feel like that when we care about someone and that it's not unique to a relationship with ME. He agreed... But... then last week, after flip-flopping about wanting to see me twice, he called me and asked me to stop sending my "reminder" emails because they were too heart-wrenching for him, too upsetting. That he hadn't changed his mind yet, but that he might in the future. That if we're meant to be, we'll eventually end up together (god that hurts to hear-- and he didn't sound very convinced- I think he's just wary of getting my hopes up, even though he's done that repeatedly). And he finally asked for some “radio silence” (and please know that I have not been calling and texting him all the time- when we’ve talked it’s almost always because HE initiated, not me.) That he wanted to talk things over with his therapist, and we would talk mid-this past week after a week of no contact - his idea. But by Saturday (end of week) he hadn't contacted me.

 

Here's why I'm not convinced of the NC with him- because my emails and gentle contact after he called things off made him sit up and take notice. They made him cry and open up to me. He only started responding after my emails and actually seeing me again (always at his request, except the very first time). So I question whether NC is the way to go with him at all- someone who needs to feel accepted and not abandoned--? if one of his major fears is being abandoned, and he vocally appreciated me fighting for him because no one has ever done that- isn’t it possible that that’s actually what he wants to see from me again? I took a huge risk in putting forth the effort after he broke up with me, and it seemed to pay off - in fact, he said it made him waffle and do some really hard thinking- that he's still thinking. Do I stop doing what was working just because he asked for space? I’m having a very hard time with this when he validated that my effort was what was making a difference in his thinking… and he only asked for a week of space...

 

I fear that he's telling himself it's easier not to deal with these issues of his (which he associates with me) by cutting off contact. That it will be easier and somehow the issues he has will disappear if he dates someone else. If I don't contact him, he'll be able to talk himself back into it being all about me instead of him if I'm not there to remind him of who I am. Obviously, he's got stuff to work on. But I'm willing and able to do the work with him, and I love him in spite of all of it, so please don't tell me he's a lost cause or anything...

 

Since he said he'd call and didn't, and it has taken all of my strength and self-control to not text or email him, but I don't know if he is waiting for me to communicate, I’ve thought of sending him one more (non-begging!) email- and just asking: “I don’t want you to feel abandoned, but I want to respect your request for space…” Anyone had experience with this type of person? What if the thing he really wants is for me to keep showing up and not running away like everyone else has? I have too much self-respect to do this forever, but I’m willing to hang in a bit longer- I’m choosing to, not doing it because I feel like I have no choice- because he’s worth that much to me.

 

Is anyone else as confused as I am by his behavior- all these months of romance and deep emotion, sincere plans for the future, etc. that I still believe were genuine- and then this? This is the man who told me a few weeks ago as he cried, that he missed ‘his’ little girl (my daughter). Who can feel that way and do this?? And it is genuine- his feelings. How can someone feel so strongly and do this? I can’t reconcile the two. Is it possible for his fear to be SO strong that it overcomes the depth of his feelings for me?

 

And, I’ve got his stuff, which he insisted on leaving at my place months ago. Clothes, shoes, etc. He knows I have them, yet hasn’t asked for them back. I know they’re important to him. He could ask me to drop them off or send them (he has a few of my things too, which I haven’t asked for back). Why wouldn’t he ask for them if he’s done? Is this a way of keeping a foot in the door?

 

last thing: Had to put my dog to sleep suddenly yesterday. Was a horrible, horrible day. I couldn’t help it- I texted him that we were losing our dog yesterday because he loves him, too and I felt horribly alone. He responded immediately with “do you need to talk?” and I declined. It would be too weird and I was too vulnerable. I thanked him and called my BFF to come be with me instead. He continued to “check in” every several hours but used phrases like “how are you holding up?” and “I just hope that you'll be well”. He did say “just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you,” but most of the phrases made me want to cry- they were something you’d say to an acquaintance or something :-( . Each time I waited at least 30 min to a couple hours to respond and responded briefly with things like “thank you.” It was sooooooo hard not to jump all over his offer to talk and lean on him but I knew that right now, he would not be giving me what I really want and I would likely end up being sorely disappointed and more depressed than I already was.

 

Hopefully my responses and “thanks but no thanks” don’t work against me… I know NC isn’t to get them back, but yes, I’m still in that mindset while also intending to keep doing the other healthy things for myself.

 

thanks for listening, guys. Sorry it’s so long– all positive and encouraging advice and support much appreciated- (and yes, I am spending time with friends, my daughter, keeping busy as much as I can, etc. Doing ok at those...)

[Fufu]

I personally think that you need to let him think on his own.... because it seems that you are constantly there for him.

 

Doesn't matter if he has any abandonment issues, you have to let him find his own feelings and issues.

[Riou]

It's cute that you began your post with "keep this short" and finish with an essay lol. No contact even if the person has abandonment issue in my opinion,or else you are encouraging him to break up with you to prove your love everytime.

[Wolfgirl6]

thanks guys- yes, sorry, felt like I couldn't leave out important details so it turned out long. I will try my best to keep up NC, although it feels like I'm literally dying inside...

[reddragon588]

If your goal in NC is reconciliation it won't work for you. The goal of NC is to heal and move on from him. It's going to be a lot harder at first but after a short time will be much better.

[Wolfgirl6]

yes, my goal is reconciliation. I do realize that is not the goal of NC. So, I guess my question is- what do you do if your goal is reconciliation and you've (likely, if I'm objective) already said everything to the person about how you feel, they've acknowledged they're thinking about it, but they want a little time? Do you contact them if that's your goal? I'd love to, but to say any more I would just be repeating what I've already told him...

 

In the (probably rare) cases where reconciliation happens, do you think it can ONLY really happen after a period of NC with both parties having space to think, etc?

[reddragon588]

Just continue NC. After a while you will likely realize that reconciliation is not best and will begin the process of healing.

 

Even if you want to reconcile, you have to stay in NC. He needs to miss you and he needs to come back to you. But that can only happen with NC. That said, your goal should be to focus on you and improve yourself and if reconciliation happens it will happen.

[xpaperxcutx]

Stick to NC.

 

Stop making excuses for him because it will only cause you stress.

 

The problem here is him- him and his need to flip-flop.

 

Go NC because it's the only way you can detach. And I don't mean it as moving on, I just mean let him go so he can decide for himself what he wants while you focus on yourself and your own personal happiness.

 

You cannot be there for him. It will only make him feel smothered.

 

If a guy a truly loves you, you can let him go knowing that he will eventually come back to you when he's ready.

[Wolfgirl6]

Thanks guys. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It's really frickin hard (as you all know)... And depression makes it hard to motivate to get out and do stuff. But I've been here before after my divorce, so I know what I need to do- it's just hard right now, but I am trying. I'm in that place where, although I was somewhat happy before him, for the past half year all of my future visions had us being happy together, so I need to figure out how to untangle that.