How do you handle reconciliation if the affair resulted in a child? (long story)

[Raena]

This came up in another thread that I had started and I wanted to explore it a little bit more here.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not currently in this situation... if any of you have read my other threads you are probably aware of that. This thread is really more of a place to explore the thoughts and feelings that happen when this situation occurs and/or discuss what I went through.

 

My background situation on this is as follows: (This was 7 years ago)

My ex cheated on me when I was 8 months pregnant with our child. He just one day left our house and didn't come home. He wouldn't answer his phone and I had no idea where he was. 2 weeks went by and I still didn't know. I finally went to one of his friends house and asked if he knew what was going on. That's when I found out about the other woman.

 

For the next 2 months, he stayed away from home mostly but a couple of times he did come by. He was living with her, but he told me he was staying with friends and that he just needed some time to get his head on straight before the baby was born. Meanwhile, I was stranded with no way to pay the bills. I couldn't feed myself, couldn't eat even when I did try. One of the times he did come home, he kissed me and I ended up getting sick with pneumonia from it. I was losing weight instead of gaining and my doctor was worried so she put me on bedrest.

 

It turns out... the girl he was cheating on me with was also sick, was taking antibiotics and didn't know that they counteract birth control. Long story short, she ended up pregnant. When it was all said and done, I found out that she had gotten pregnant the first night he left me to be with her.

 

The day before our son was to be born, he showed up back and home and said he wanted to be there for his birth. (at this point, I wasn't aware that she was pregnant) He stayed for about 3 months and then left me again not long after I found out about her pregnancy.

 

Not long after that I moved back home to be near my parents (several states away)

 

A year goes by and he and I decide to reconcile.

 

As part of the reconciliation, we addressed the issue of the fact that she had had a baby that was his. He told me not to worry about it, that she had told him that she wanted nothing to do with him, that she had gotten married and her husband put his name on the birth certificate. This was part of the reason why I did finally relent and let him come stay with us. I made it very clear to him that I did not want to raise her child and that if he thought there would ever be a moment in time where he would want to do so, then he shouldn't be with me. I was adamant about it. Please make sure you are very sure of what you want because I don't want to have to have this conversation again. I told him I knew the child would one day want to know him and I was ok with that. That was his cross to bear. He made it very clear that he was not going to be a part of the child's life, that she wasn't going to allow it and that it was for the best if he didn't. I wouldn't have reconciled with him if that had not been the case.

 

3 years later, she divorced her husband and tried to go on welfare. Part of the divorce and welfare process forced her to find the father of her child and get child support. She at first tried to make her ex-husband pay support, but he wasn't having any of it. Then she came after my ex. Not only did she want him to pay support but she wanted to share custody and send the toddler here... several states away... for 6 months out of the year. You see... she was pregnant again and couldn't afford to take care of either child. Her new babies daddy was in prison for some offense... I'm not sure what it was.

 

So.... there I was being asked to take care of the child for 6 months out of the year. My ex worked nights which meant that I would really be the one taking care of him. (He looks like a real sweetheart and I kind of wanted to help him out) BUT... I didn't want to be left alone taking care of two kids every night.

 

So I pondered it for a few weeks and then I finally had to tell him no... that I just couldn't do it. Our son was a handful at the time and I just couldn't see myself taking care of 2 kids alone while he was at work all the time. On top of that, I still felt like I shouldn't have been asked to do so. I spent a lot of time researching it on the internet and read many stories of how people in the same situation let their feelings go about how the child was created and accepted the child into their home. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Maybe I was selfish, I don't know... mostly it just didn't seem right of him to put me in that position since I had made it very clear to him during our reconciliation that I wanted to avoid that situation altogether.

 

None of this matters now really because he cheated on me again and we are in the process of splitting up for good. This time there will be no reconciliation. He did however throw this in my face... as if I was the one to blame for why he didn't get to know his child. He did exactly what I was afraid of... blamed me for it. In our case, the child was several states away so it wasn't just a matter of him going to spend some time with him without me. It was either I allow the child to come live with us or not at all. We couldn't afford for my ex to fly down there on a regular basis to spend time with him either.

 

However... I'd like to hear all of your thoughts on this type of situation. Not just my situation... but this situation in general. How do other people handle this in reconciliation? What are your stories about this?

[whatatangledweb]

I would have done the same thing . I know a child is innocent but I would have resented how he/she came about and that would be unfair to the child. If he had wanted to have a relationship with the child I would have left. Your boyfriend made his choice and he is responsible for it. He can not blame you for something you were very clear about before you got back together.

[Artie Lang]

wow Raena, this guy is a real doozy.

 

let me get this straight, he's blaming you for not having a relationship with this OC? what a d1ckhead.

 

let me tell you something..... if he was so interested in having said relationship with this child, he would've had the balls to tell you that- as a man he'd take care of his responsibilities(including taking an active role in this childs life) regardless of the outcome of your relationship. he's being a d0uchebag coward right now because he doesn't want to admit what a loser he really is.

Edited November 11, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Raena]

Artie... now do you see why I never married him? I would have been stupid to do so and now I'm glad I didn't. It really makes this process of splitting up that much easier.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wouldn't have gotten back together with him after the way he left you abd for the reason he did.

 

He left you stranded he up until the birth and the three months after.

 

Having a child should be a joyous time. He really threw a whole bunch of added, stress heartbreak etc. plus he robbed you of that specialness by impregnating another woman freaking simultaneously.

 

I think I would've had to take up drinking in order to reconcile with him, which would've screwed up his sobriety so it wouldn't have worked anyhow.

 

I feel my husbands actions (I found out he was cheating at 8 months pregnant too) ruined so much of that time for me. It even made it tough to bond with my daughter because of the psychological impact. Another child would've completely done-in ANY hope at all.

 

That would completely shadow any future we "could've" had. I would never be able to look at him the same.

 

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time.

 

Of course he blames you. That's what people who don't take any responsibility do: they blame everyone and everything but themselves.

[Raena]

You know? The more I write about the craziness that I have had to deal with in this relationship, the more clarity I get.

 

I'm beginning to feel this HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.

 

I now know that I did everything possible to make things work with him. I gave him every chance possible.

 

I've carried around this guilt for years.

 

I tried to end it with him several times and he just kept coming back and I just kept taking him back because I still loved him. The more I did it, the worse it got.

 

NOW I can finally walk away and know without a doubt that I will NEVER be with him again. And it makes me feel good!

 

Right now I don't care if I spend the rest of my life alone... at least it won't be with him. He will NEVER cheat on me again. I'm done.

 

I knew I had to get to this point or walking away was pointless.

[Spark1111]

Oh Raena...you've been through the ringer with this mysoginist.....

 

He doesn't respect women nor fatherhood....and somehow today, this is now all your fault the messes he has created.

 

I could not deal with an OC as it would be a constant reminder of his infidelity and would guarantee the continued contact with a damaged unstable nut job OW.

 

I'm strong, but not that strong and my resentment of this innocent child would be so unfair to the child. So in the interest of doing no harm....I would walk away....

 

Not today, nor tomorrow, but in the years to come I promise you will wake up one day with all this dysfunction behind you and feel freedom, peace and relief to have the drama gone.

 

She's a drug-addict and he's a recovering alcoholic, yes?

 

These are two very damaged people and I would work very hard to have them stay the hell away from MY child which should NOT be too hard to do based on his track record.

 

Ditch these Sunday dinners until further notice....please. I can almost guarantee you there will be no payment of alimony or child support or frequent visitation NO MATTER what the court decrees.

 

get away. Get healthy. Focus on you and a strong future for you and your son.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah seriously. Don't do Sunday dinners with him.

It's just his way of keeping a foot in the foot with you.

He wants home but doesn't want it.

 

If you really want something to do make me a pie and mail it to me, okay?

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah seriously. Don't do Sunday dinners with him.

It's just his way of keeping a foot in the foot with you.

He wants home but doesn't want it.

 

If you really want something to do make me a pie and mail it to me, okay?

 

He isn't your son going off to college. He has no reason to do Sunday dinners with you guys. It could also be a way for him to avoid some guilt. Like he's not "totally" abandoning you. "He's a family guy."

 

Actually, ironically, Peter Griffin actually IS more of a "Family Guy" than this guy.

 

I know we can get really blinded by how kind they are. Like because they were so great in the beginning etc. they are good people at the core, they just need to realize their mistakes etc. but when they don't realize them, uh-oh.

[Raena]

Update:

Just so you know... I didn't do the Sunday dinners... I did take the advice I got here on this topic and avoided it. He did come for Christmas and that was good for our son but the whole time he was here in my house I was full of anxiety. I couldn't wait for him to leave.

 

He did actually go spend time with the child he created in this affair. His skanky hobo OW made sure to post about it where I'd see it. I'm glad he finally got off his behind and decided to be a man... but... he still isn't spending time with that child either.

 

He hasn't spent much time with our child either. This past weekend was his first weekend with him in 6 months and he screwed it up. He left my child alone with his girlfriend while he went to work all day Saturday and all day Sunday. I made sure to tell him that he can forget about having him come spend the night there again and I'll be heading to the court house to file for custody as soon as I can.

[dreamingoftigers]

Update:

Just so you know... I didn't do the Sunday dinners... I did take the advice I got here on this topic and avoided it. He did come for Christmas and that was good for our son but the whole time he was here in my house I was full of anxiety. I couldn't wait for him to leave.

 

He did actually go spend time with the child he created in this affair. His skanky hobo OW made sure to post about it where I'd see it. I'm glad he finally got off his behind and decided to be a man... but... he still isn't spending time with that child either.

 

He hasn't spent much time with our child either. This past weekend was his first weekend with him in 6 months and he screwed it up. He left my child alone with his girlfriend while he went to work all day Saturday and all day Sunday. I made sure to tell him that he can forget about having him come spend the night there again and I'll be heading to the court house to file for custody as soon as I can.

 

GOOD.

GOOD.

GOOD.

 

Honestly Raena,

 

I saw this at the beginning: he is the type of man who will notice every "slight" against him and none of his own personal responsibilities.

 

He is exactly the type who will not have anything much to do with his kids (unless he hits a major crisis which calls into question his priorities like Stage Four Tesiticular Cancer or something). He will constantly make excuses "work called me in" "girlfriend demanded something" "you made it too hard" "I was afraid because you blah blah blah......(and therefore because I was afraid I couldn't do what I was supposed to )"

 

Everyone has "stuff" and everyone gets slighted in some way in life. Until that skill set changes for him and he questions what HE is doing in virtually every given situation, he will never be able to maintain fatherhood or a long-term relationship.

 

The main thing for you isn't "what is he doing now?"

 

It's "how do I react to this behaviour that he exhibited?"

 

And it seems that you are doing that.

How do you react to an ex's pattern of behaviour with his other child? you ignore it. It has no bearing on your life whatsoever.

How do you react to your ex's moron girlfriend. You ignore it unless she is overtly going to interfere with your life. Then it becomes situation by situation.

 

How do you react when someone is stupidly dysfunctional with your precious child?

You do Everything in your power to protect your child against stupid dysfunction. It doesn't matter who he is. At this point in your life, he is simply a set of behaviours and not a person you have a whole set of evolving history with.

 

Address each behaviour as it comes. Assess the pattern and make the choices you need to make as simply as chopping up a cucumber. You don't cry about having to slice past the skin of the plant that took so many hours to grow. You chop up the bitch and have a healthy snack. That's it's function, that's what it's there for.

 

I'm not saying that you are crying etc. Just that we can get too lost for the sake of our children in trying to preserve the bond with the other parent. We get guilted by society etc into believing that we might be "making things too hard" or "presenting a bad image of their other parent to the child."

 

When often-times, we end up defending the poor parent which is just as confusing and dysfunctional for the child.

 

My husband went through an alcohol relapse where he would take off, leaving me with our daughter and not knowing his whereabouts etc. Our daughter was old enough to ask where Daddy was. I didn't say "oh Daddy's at the store. Daddy's at work. Whatever." Nor did I say "Oh Daddy is off drinking I think and he left us and I am so scared and I don't know if he'll ever be back. etc."

 

I stayed as cool as that cucumber and I said, "I don't know where Daddy is right now." And she asked if we could call him. I told her that I tried that but she could leave a message for Daddy if she wanted. She did. She was sad that she didn't know where Daddy was, when he would be home and that he didn't answer the phone for her. BUT, it was also an accurate picture. It was up to him to provide that security for us, and if he wasn't going to do that it would show his daughter how he behaves in a non-idealized way. When he realized I wasn't going to cover for him, it helped him straighten up. He had to take responsibility for his relationship with his daughter. Or he simply wouldn't have one.

 

My father was an alcoholic. My mother intervened constantly. She constantly directed him on "what to say" and "how to say it" to me. She spend more time "parenting" my father then actually parenting me. Since my father was clueless on how to parent, I was basically left without a parent at all. Sure my father could parrot a few words that my mother told him to. And my mother could, to a limited extent, cover for his drinking and otherwise being checked-out of my life.

 

I resented her more than I resent his being a checked-out alcoholic. When I realized that my Dad wasn't really being my Dad, that he was just putting on the face Mom wanted him to, it was very rejecting for me. Like he didn't care enough to be my Dad. And that both my parents were lying to me. That I wasn't worth caring about and that I didn't deserve to be told the truth. It has affected every single relationship I have had throughout my life in a very negative way.

 

Don't lie to your child about the other parent. Never cover for them. But don't provide a vast interpretation of the other parent's behaviour either like "Daddy doesn't care about you or he would be here for your birthday." Tell them you don't know why Daddy isn't there. It's the truth. You don't actually know. They can ask Daddy themselves. Daddy will give a lame excuse an they will be sad. It will suck for awhile. They will figure it out on their own. They will see that they have a ton of lame excuses instead of time spent together to look back on. And they will know that Daddy isn't trustworthy without you ever having said so. They may not have the details on why you and Daddy split up. They may not have the script, but they will know that Daddy says a lot of things that he doesn't actually mean/blames others etc. and they'll put it together.

 

Build their self-esteem. Reassure them that they are worthwhile people who deserve respect and love and honesty. Then let them watch what the other parent DOES. Not what they say. Encourage them to evaluate their friendships and relationships by how they are treated, not just what they are told.

[No Limit]

Why would someebody ever reconcile with someone who cheated, and on top of that, fathered a child and now attempts to run away from it like he's done in the past? Why would anyone give such a man a nest to hide in until woman No. 3 shows up?

 

Situations/descriptions like that go far beyond the usual facepalming I practice when visiting Loveshack. I'd probably be somewhere between tearing at my own hair or slamming my head against the door.

[Raena]

Why would someebody ever reconcile with someone who cheated, and on top of that, fathered a child and now attempts to run away from it like he's done in the past? Why would anyone give such a man a nest to hide in until woman No. 3 shows up?

 

Situations/descriptions like that go far beyond the usual facepalming I practice when visiting Loveshack. I'd probably be somewhere between tearing at my own hair or slamming my head against the door.

 

Well, let me tell you what... it doesn't happen overnight. Poor relationships like this one are built on years of practiced lies. Until you've been in those shoes, you can't POSSIBLY imagine why I would have stayed with him

 

Heck, the truth is, I don't really understand it either. The further away from it I get, the more it sounds like an absurd situation that happened to someone else, not to me.

 

I didn't just jump in full force into this situation... it happened little by little, lie by lie, promise by promise. Each situation that occurred, I made the best choice for that moment in time based on what I wanted, what I hoped would come out of it, what he said to me and this undying love for a man that seemed like no other. I couldn't believe that anyone could lie the way he could(can) and make it seem so believable. NO ONE gets it. So I really don't blame you for your snarky comments... they don't help much.... but I can see why you'd say that. I've said the same myself many times in looking back at it all.

[Raena]

Thank you DreamingofTigers... your response means a lot to me. I've already come to the conclusion that I'm not going to lie to my son. I tried to for quite a while but the day I heard him crying and yelling at me "it's your fault Daddy's gone" was the day I decided he needed to know the truth. I didn't tell him all the details, but I did make it clear to him that it was his father's choice to do what he chose to do (leave us and never call or see his child). I do pretty much what you said... when he asks why he doesn't call, I tell him I don't know that he'll have to ask him. When he asks why his father doesn't show up when he says he's going to, I tell him I don't know, that he'll have to ask him. When he cries that he misses him, I hug him, soothe his tears, tell him it's ok to cry and that he can talk to me about anything. Now that my son has had a chance to go spend the night at his father's with the girlfriend there, he sees quite clearly why his father has been ignoring him. It hurts him, but he knows now why.

 

It's a painful process... one that I was trying to avoid by reconciling with him. I wanted my son to have his father, plain and simple, it's the ONLY reason why I agreed to it. Otherwise I would have just walked away and been done with him. In retrospect, I think my son might have been better off not ever knowing him because deep down in my bones I KNEW he'd cheat again and leave and hurt his son in the process. It's also why I didn't act to toss his behind out the door when I suspected he was cheating. Part of me didn't want to face the truth because I knew what it would do to my child.

 

In the end I think we'll be ok. It won't be easy, but we'll be ok.

[No Limit]

Well, let me tell you what... it doesn't happen overnight. Poor relationships like this one are built on years of practiced lies. Until you've been in those shoes, you can't POSSIBLY imagine why I would have stayed with him

 

Heck, the truth is, I don't really understand it either. The further away from it I get, the more it sounds like an absurd situation that happened to someone else, not to me.

 

I didn't just jump in full force into this situation... it happened little by little, lie by lie, promise by promise. Each situation that occurred, I made the best choice for that moment in time based on what I wanted, what I hoped would come out of it, what he said to me and this undying love for a man that seemed like no other. I couldn't believe that anyone could lie the way he could(can) and make it seem so believable. NO ONE gets it. So I really don't blame you for your snarky comments... they don't help much.... but I can see why you'd say that. I've said the same myself many times in looking back at it all.

 

I know those things don't happen overnight. And I could bet that pretty much every single person who's done something I dare classify as irrational would have trouble explaining it.

 

Well guess I'm taking a different stance on these things simply because I lost this "innocent thinking" about a decade or too earlier than the majority of people. I know I shouldn't be expecting that everyone knows of those 'wandering mines' but with all those red flags given, I really can't help it, I'm sorry. But you wrote it yourself-- it was built up 'lie by lie'. But if you, and many other people had taken action early when the lying started, things would've been so different.

Maybe I'm just being over-attentive or over-cautious at this, but it remains my opinion nonetheless.

[road]

No BS can be faulted for wanting NC with the OC. You were up front with your WS. You did not pull a bait and switch.

[Raena]

I know those things don't happen overnight. And I could bet that pretty much every single person who's done something I dare classify as irrational would have trouble explaining it.

 

Well guess I'm taking a different stance on these things simply because I lost this "innocent thinking" about a decade or too earlier than the majority of people. I know I shouldn't be expecting that everyone knows of those 'wandering mines' but with all those red flags given, I really can't help it, I'm sorry. But you wrote it yourself-- it was built up 'lie by lie'. But if you, and many other people had taken action early when the lying started, things would've been so different.

Maybe I'm just being over-attentive or over-cautious at this, but it remains my opinion nonetheless.

 

I don't know how I missed this post, so sorry for the late reply...

 

You know, I have gone back time and again looking for that one moment when I should have seen the truth so clearly that I HAD to walk away. I see it so clearly now. I didn't see it then. I don't know how I didn't. Telling the story makes it so obvious that there was a problem from the get go. I was so wrapped up in my feelings for him that I couldn't see the truth even though it was slapping me in the face. I mean, it wasn't just there... it was in my face clear as day and I looked right at it and didn't see it. It's downright bizarre how blind I was. They say love is blind... and now I know what "they" mean by that. I was blind to the truth from the moment I met him. Believe you me, I will NEVER let that happen again.

 

It's pretty easy to sit on the outside looking in, watching the play and see the truth. It's a completely different story when you are in the play and don't see all of the pieces and the roles everyone around you is playing. It's the only analogy I can think of that even remotely explains what happened to me. I only saw one part of the story.. the one that was explained to me by the key player who lied consistently to me. He was so good at lying that I had a hard time not believing him. I've never met anyone like him before but I'm finding out by reading on here and other forums that it's not that uncommon. He was so good at manipulating me and I didn't even know it at the time. He still tries to manipulate me at times but it doesn't work too well when I don't listen. That was my mistake early on... I never should have listened to him and had I not had such strong feelings of love for him, I wouldn't have.

 

He's busy manipulating his newest victim now so he doesn't need to bother with me as much. I really wish I could get her to hear and see the truth about him but she's just like I was back in the day. She's so wrapped up in what he's saying to her, like the snake that he is, he has her mesmerized and she doesn't know it. It's frightening really how good he is at his game.

[No Limit]

It's frightening really how good he is at his game.

 

No need to flatter a cheater. Most of the time it isn't about their skill, it's about their victim's weakness.

[stillafool]

INEVER let that happen again.

 

He's busy manipulating his newest victim now so he doesn't need to bother with me as much. I really wish I could get her to hear and see the truth about him but she's just like I was back in the day. She's so wrapped up in what he's saying to her, like the snake that he is, he has her mesmerized and she doesn't know it. It's frightening really how good he is at his game.

 

But, aren't they getting married? I thought I read this a few days ago.

[Raena]

But, aren't they getting married? I thought I read this a few days ago.

 

Supposedly yes. She say's they are engaged. Doesn't make it any less true though... she's still a victim of his lies... either that or she's well aware of his capability to deceive and doesn't care.... thinks he won't do it to her.

[Raena]

No need to flatter a cheater. Most of the time it isn't about their skill, it's about their victim's weakness.

 

Umm... not sure what you mean by that. He's a skilled liar. Not sure that's a very flattering thing to say about anyone.

[Raena]

But, aren't they getting married? I thought I read this a few days ago.

 

Oh wait... I don't know which girl you are talking about... he cheated twice... he isn't marrying the first one, it's the most recent one he's supposedly engaged to. The current one is not the one he had a child with.