winny Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Winny, I think you misunderstand me. I'm well aware that this will happen - the purpose of me making this thread was to open a discussion about honesty in dating. I'm 42 and far from naive. Also, using chat speak makes it very hard to read. And to the other person - you derailed my thread by trying to push your traditional agenda, so anything sent your way is fair enough. If you can't debate in an adult forum and expect people to disagree with you then that's not my fault I'm afraid. Of course "lots" of guys like you, you cater to them exclusively. You're almost a caricature of a woman from years gone by. I had one relationship for most of my adult life. And any guy who expects me to be a stepford wife is going to be very disappointed XD You've also got one hell of an ego! Sorry about the chat speak. I am new here. What you are saying is not wrong, but people tend to behave in the creepiest ways possible I really have no idea why... Even outside the dating world. All we can do is protect ourselves and our feelings as much as we can. We don't have any control over what others do I hope your post helps some people to behave less creepy and be considerate of others time and feelings. 1
NJtoDC Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 You've also got one hell of an ego! Um, thank you? I have a strong sense of self and what I have shared of my personal experience is the truth.
Author ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Mammasita, it's simple - he said he wanted to see me again and we had den communicating fairly frequently for several weeks. To stop, not a single word or an explanation is rude not to mention manipulative. The purpose of my topic was to discuss honesty in dating. If you think silence is appropriate, then next time you see the doctor, will you be happy with silence while waiting for a result for several days? Silence is not an answer - it is silence.
mammasita Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Mammasita, it's simple - he said he wanted to see me again and we had den communicating fairly frequently for several weeks. To stop, not a single word or an explanation is rude not to mention manipulative. The purpose of my topic was to discuss honesty in dating. If you think silence is appropriate, then next time you see the doctor, will you be happy with silence while waiting for a result for several days? Silence is not an answer - it is silence. LOL, You're comparing apples to oranges. Silence from a doctor cannot be compared to silence from an OLD experience......at all. A doctor is a professional who gets paid to follow up with you. Did your date get paid?
Author ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I think you missed the bit where I said it was AFTER I met him in person he stopped contact. This thread was for the purpose of honesty in dating and I'd like to discuss that please.
Author ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 And NJtoDC, I find your comments about my unattractiveness and venom hypocritical in the extreme. You're very conceited. You derailed my thread. Would you stop please?
clia Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 It's entirely possible that when he said he wanted to see you again, he meant it. Then after you two parted ways he thought about it a little more and decided that he did not want to see you again. People have the right to change their mind. Or he decided to pursue one of the other women he was chatting with rather than you. (You didn't think you were the only one did, you?) It's great that you want someone to reject you to your face. However, most people really don't want that. It can create more drama. You may want to hear him say it...some people have had bad experiences with being honest like that. (For example, beign called names, begging and pleading to change their mind, etc.) After one date, it's easier to poof. Frankly, it's very normal in online dating. Like mammasita said, silence is an answer. If a man doesn't make an effort to ask you out again, you have your answer that he is not interested. It doesn't take more than that, and frankly, after one date he really doesn't owe you anything. It's a really bad idea to spend weeks talking to someone online prior to meeting. You've obviously created an idea in your head of who this guy is when the reality is that you don't know him at all. You really shouldn't be this emotionally tied to him after one date that you are getting so upset about him poofing. But all of this is entirely out of your power anyway. You can't change the game and you can't force people to act in a certain way, so saying "I will not settle for that" or "I will not play those games" really gets you nowhere. Even men who say "I will be honest with you" may decide not to reject you to your face if they decide they don't want to see you again after a date or two. It's uncomfortable and awkward for most people to do that. Is it hurtful to you? Yeah, maybe. But this guy was a stranger anyway. A month ago you didn't even know him. So who cares anyway? On to the next fish... 2
Yookie Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Mammasita, it's simple - he said he wanted to see me again and we had den communicating fairly frequently for several weeks. To stop, not a single word or an explanation is rude not to mention manipulative. The purpose of my topic was to discuss honesty in dating. If you think silence is appropriate, then next time you see the doctor, will you be happy with silence while waiting for a result for several days? Silence is not an answer - it is silence. My point is that you became emotionally attached to a guy you had never met. Then when he finally meets you and decides to fade, you're left understandably upset. Yes he was rude, yes it was inappropriate but you could have avoided feeling jaded if you hadn't wasted so much time building an online attachment that could not survive the real world. If you had met him a week ago and he faded after the first date, you would just chalk it up, and move on to the next. I do understand how your schedule can be busy but you really should avoid delaying the first meeting and if you can't, don't get emotionally invested until you have a chance to meet. This can also protect you from the guys online who are just there for the ego stroke and have no intentions of dating in the real world (some of them are already married).
FitChick Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 And what do you mean not everyone wants honesty when it comes to rejection?? You PREFER to be lied to?? I'm talking about my rejection of men. If I say, "Thank you for your interest but we are not a good match. Good luck on your search!" I will often get nastiness in return. Some men would prefer to be ignored and they will "take the hint." Others have said, "Thanks for taking the time to let me know." I have no way of knowing how someone wants to be rejected. Since you have a specific way, it behooves you to make that clear. "Honest communication" doesn't cut it. You need to say, "If you are not interested, please make that clear so I don't hold out hope" or whatever says that in your own words. Even then that is no guarantee. You can't change other people. You can only change yourself and your reactions. If things seem to be going well in the initial stages of contact and I suddenly get "radio silence," I move on. I don't analyze or waste another thought on the guy. There will always be someone else.
forgetmenot75 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Seems like he met you and he was not interested. Men disappear when they are not interested. You said you let yourself go, maybe it's time to regain your confidence before entering the dating scene again. You don't need to overthink all that has happened with him, it's pretty obvious. I know you're hurt, but you knew it before it actually happened. 1
Dark_history Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 The way the OP has responded on this thread and attacked some of the posters views, it's no wonder she didn't get a second date 1
FitChick Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I think OP should find a nutritionist to learn proper eating habits and join a gym for a month to learn how to use the equipment, then make it a habit. Maybe join a dance class, a hiking group or take tennis lessons for exercise and to meet men. Go to a high end salon for a makeover. At least a consultation for modern, flattering hairstyles and hair color, and makeup lesson. Go to Nordstrom and ask the sales assistant to help you find flattering styles. You could always find similar things at Marshalls or Ross. Men are visual creatures after all. If you look good, some of them won't care if you are a bitch. 1
Recommended Posts